03x22 - Best-of Special 2

[bunniefuu]

Hey yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS.

Tonight on Crank Yankers. Ludacris,

Adam Corolla, Jimmy Kimmel,

Sarah Silverman, Bob Odenkirk.

And Jim Florentine at Special Ed.

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. Because we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others. Maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers!

Hello, Kevin. What up?This is Chris, boy.

What up, bro?The hell going on?No, man,

I'm good, man. I ain't complaining about

nothing. That's what's up, man. I got a

serious question to ask you, man, because

I've been thinking about after this

album, what I'm going to do, man. I think

I need to take things in a whole new

direction. OK. Whole new direction, man.

I think I want to change my damn name,

man. Are you serious?Hell yeah. I know

it's going to sound crazy. I think I want

to change my name to Peanut Head. So it

wouldn't be Ludacris and then Peanut or

Peanut Head, AKA Ludacris. No, just

peanut head. Oh, I I I got to

digest it. What is your music changing?

No, I mean the music, the whole thing,

man. Cause it's just like P head for

short. People could call me P head or

peanut, right?Let me ask you a question.

I mean, if the album, is it going to

explain the change?Like the single you

got a record that explains the change.

It's going to explain the change. The

whole damn album is like, it could be

some more words that rhyme with peanut,

all of that. Because it's like

Tupac changed his name to Makaveli. Why

can't I change my name to peanut head?But

you can't. But you can't see this. I'm

not against it. You know, it's like

when Redman did. I'm not against it at

all. First thing I got to do is punk that

planners b*tch in a top hat. So I'm the

only peanut head on the block like that

type shitThat's what I'm talking about

because I'm real serious about this sh*t

man. And I know you you stand behind me

when I call you. That's why. That's why

I'm glad that you behind me on this. It's

like Ludacris is fun. You know what I'm

saying?But at the end of the day, it's

just like a silly little a*s joke. Peanut

head. That's a name you can respect.

Peanut head is a name you can respect

over Ludacris. Hell yeah. Smooth as

peanut butter, dude. Smooth as f*cking

peanut butter, Kev. OK, I

want to change my style and wear like top

hat, like the monocle, all of that stuff.

The little eye glass thing. And from now

on, I'm calling my people by nut names,

man. You got that pistachio?What?Man, we

got to hurry up before Master P becomes

Master Peanut, dog. Right. All right,

man, I'm excited about this. We'll talk

about it soon, man. OK. We cool.

Well, I'm hungry than I'm dead, Louise

And I know that I don't have to say

pleaseRed on

the bottom Red on the top One more

thing I need some jelly

with you Who's this?Beth.

Name's Burcham. I'm a bounty hunter.

Oh, hi, how are you?Good, looking for

some work. How'd you hear about me?Oh,

you know, I got my ear to the ground.

You got any perps you need brought in?

Well, I just gave some away to a guy the

other day. Yeah. What's his name?

Adam. Adam.

What is he, Jewish?Yeah, he is.

You want a baker's dozen of bagels, you

send a Jew out. You want a perp back, you

send a God-fearing Christian out.

That's just who I am, ma'am. Nothing

against the Jews, but I don't like them.

Didn't see a lot of them in Nam. Right.

Well, I have a Mexican I've been trying

to find. You and everybody else. Where's

this cat?I don't know for sure.

That was a stupid question, wasn't it?

Yeah. He's supposed to have the purest

cocaine on the street. You want him dead

or alive?Well, I...

Be honest. Believe me, I've been around

the block enough to make it look like he

started it. You know how the wiggle

works. No, I don't, because I'm not a

tiny person. I'll take his a*s right

down, right down to Chinatown. What's the

bond for on this guy?20,000. Look

out. Just a moment. I got a call coming

in. Hang on. 20 grand. All right, buys a

hell of a lot of tequila and huaraches.

All right, I'll hang on. I may catch him

while I'm on hold.

Sir. When I put you on

hold, here's this bounty hunter call me

that I haven't heard from for a month.

What's his name?Uh, Lenny, um,

Lenny. That guy's a pussyDo

you know him?I know Lenny's work.

Soft hand Lenny. Ain't good for nothing.

No, he's not. He can't even pick up the

Sunday newspaper. He couldn't find a pair

of culottes for a fat . You

understand?Yeah. You got guys working for

you named Lenny and Adam. No wonder no

one's coming back. What kind of p*ssy

parents named their kid Adam anyway?He

does a pretty good job most the time.

Adam does. Adam couldn't find his if he

was squatting on a mirror. No, that's not

true. He's pretty tough. Hell of a lot

tougher than Nam. Let's take guys like

Adam, chew them up, make boot Polish out

of them. Oh yeah. What's your phone

number?



Say that Lenny's on my last nerve too.



Custom Harley Zippo. Lent it to him to

light a Tiperello. That was six years

ago. You know him from way back?

Hell yeah. Lenny and I go back.

Really. You kidding?Eat at

Denny's Lenny. Cheap b*stard

You know his wife?I don't know why I'm

opening up to you this way, but I I had.

I had my time with Lenny's wife, Sir.

All right. I'm

sorry. I was with her long before Lenny

was, and I don't think Lenny ever lets me

forget it. Can't let go. She's

tight, though. I'll tell you what. What's

the rest of your phone number?OK,



to seed since she's been with Lenny, but

I'll tell you, she was one fine piece of

a*s when I was with her. You know what?

I'm gonna hang up on you if you don't

give me your phone number. 702. Once

pulled a three-way with her with Lenny.

Oh, yeah. Quit telling me that

stuff I don't want to hear. Are you going

to give me the phone number?Lenny has

erectile difficulties. Are you gonna give

me the phone number?Goodbye. Give methat.

Hello. I'm calling because of your ad in

the newspaper. What is your name?

Sherry. Sherry, this is a

reality show. Yes, it's called Meet the

Browns. Are you familiar with Whitney

Houston and Bobby Brown?Yeah. You,

as the winner of our contest, would

become the Browns, Bobby and

Whitney's sl*ve. Yeah,

OK. And they're unstable. They're

crazy. They'll poke you with things.

They'll force you into situations you

don't want to be forced into. They may

have you pick up drugs for them. We don't

know. We're hoping for all sorts of crazy

things. If the prize is significant.

Sure. Why not?Can you take a punch?

Yeah. YeahWithout a doubt. OK,

very good. Whitney is desperate for

approval. She loves to be complimented.

She loves to be taken care of. Oh, I can.

I can give. I can give her plenty of

that. Girl, that's for you. Let's pretend

I just was able to put my shoes on. I'm

Whitney. What do you say?Oh, Whitney, you

did such a great job. I could have did

that for you, but you did an excellent

job. That's good. I love it. OK, let's

pretend Whitney just brushed her teeth

successfully. What do you say?Whitney, a

fabulous job. Your teeth look like

veneers. Oh, they're. Oh, Whitney.

Let's pretend Whitney made a particularly

large bowel movement that she's proud of.

What do you say?Whitney, how did you make

that move?What did you eat?Oh,

Whitney, that was fantastic. I tell you

what, I'm uplifted. I didn't even make a

bowel movement right now. And I'm hearing

this. I'm going crazy. Are you a married

woman?No, single. Are you bisexual by

any chance?No, I'm not. Hmm

Why?I need to see. Well, we don't know

what their demands are going to be, and

sometimes they get a little wild. And I

don't want to see you get whipped. I

really don't. At night, you will be

protected. We will have the door locked

because we do not want Bobby impregnating

you. Have you ever used cocaine or any

drugs?No, I don't do that. OK, you

will have to. Bobby's a

little crazy. He's a little wild. He

likes to watch his bullmastiffs

attack the sl*ves sometimes while Whitney

rubs cocoa butter on him. So.

We do have a code phrase. You just say

Houston, we have a problem and our team

rushes in and our team will take them

down with tranquilizers or whatever need

be, depending upon the situation. I

really think you're perfect for this.

What's the prize money?The prize money

is $5000, so it's going to be wonderful.

Why don't you make it 10?Right now it's

at five. OK. I look

so forward to meeting you and ordering

you a round. OK. Thank you. Goodbye.

Catering Charles, may I help you?Hi,

Charles. Um, is there anyone I could talk

to just about some cooking questions?I'm

a little bit lost. Okay, you

can talk to me. I might be able to

help. Oh, ohh gosh, thank you. I'm...

I've been telling my boyfriend that I can

cook and I'm supposed to cook for him

tonight. And I'm just a little lost with

some things. Oh, rock and roll.

OK, we're going to work this out. Tell me

what you're going to tell me what you

want to do. Thank you so much. I just

want to be able to make a simple dish,

like something. What's the sexiest meat?

You know, meat's not anything really.

What what's going on here is the sauce

that you put on the meat. That's really

what makes it happen. I just, this is an

important night. This is the night I'm

going to lose my a**l virginity.

Whoa, oh, oh, okay, whoa. Slow down. Ohh

Look, look, lookUm, you know what?I'm

going to be really serious here now. I'm

curious for a minute. Cooking is a really

involved thing. So is a**l

Yeah, um.. So what food do you

think goes good with as-sex?With

what?With tookas-sex.

You know what?I'm

African American. Yeah. And a lot

of that stuff. Oh, you don't do that.

Well, it's, yeah, it's not culturally

in my thing. I'm Jewish

and I just want to get my bum filled. You

know, that's like the first

instinct. But

I thought that you like African

Americans. You're supposed to like

booties and back that thing up

and... Oh, that's probably something

on television. You grew up in a no a**l

zone. I think, yeah, I think I can

honestly say that. I've had

relationships with white women, so now I

do know about it. How would you compare

sex with a white woman and sex with a

black woman?

Hmm I guess in terms of what we're

talking about right now,White

women, they like to be

spanked. Yeah, well, that's true. And

I've actually had a

sexual relationship with a white woman

where that was actually the case. Well,

what about brisket?Yeah, and that's what

I'm saying. If you put brisket, you need

to put it in the oven and you

need to bake it.

And we cook them at about 350 degrees.

Listen, listen, listenThis is getting

boring. I'm gonna go to the market and

buy a chicken, bend over, and just pray

for mercy. Okay. Sayonara.

Uh-huh, nice talking to you.

Hi, is this the Oregon Museum?Yes, it is.

Hi, my name is Drew.

I'm a substitute teacher at Beaverton.

This is my first week

and there's a

scheduled.

Field trip. And I'm supposed to pick a

place because the place we're going is

closed. What do you guys got?

I mean, how much time can I waste there?

Like 4 hours?Is that?Yeah, that's

doable. What?What age group are the kids?

They're from all different classes. I'm

supposed to be in charge of this thing.

These kids are these are rich

brats. They're not going to care about

like, oh, people worked in made

looms, right?Oh, look over

here. That's a coal mine. You know,

they don't care. You know, we've got a

technology hall that's pretty cool with a

big computer lab, lots of computers and

stuff. So that that can keep kids busy.

Any hot girls that work there?Matter of

personal opinion, I guess. Point me in

the right direction. Any naked women in

the caves or something?You got caves. No,

we got nothing like that. Well,

that's science. How about this?

Science. Areolas.

The science of areolas.

How does a woman turn a hamburger into

breast milk?Science. Please play with the

t*ts and find out. Hands on.

The only teachers over here.

Here is a woman's sex organs.

Show us how it works. Please

wear a rubber. I'm sure. See if there's

things there like that. The 15 year olds

would be more entertained, I think. You

and I are the same wavelength, dude.

All right, well, I'll probably bring

these brats down there.

Can they bring lunch?Yeah, they can bring

lunch. Can I bring?Can I bring a liquid

lunch?Depends what the

liquid is, I guess. Oh, martinis and a

tumblr. Do you like them dry, my friends?

Yeah, I'm more of a dry guy myself. Me

too. There's one girl in my class. I have

a I have a countdown going to her 18th

birthday, man. Don't tell anybody I said

that. I got to keep this job for at least

three more weeks. That makes sense.

Technology hall is supposed to be

wonderful. What's in there specifically?A

specific thing?They got

dildosI know, but

you know. Yeah. That shot

him up. Sorry.

SorryAll right. High five. High five on

the phone. I'm holding one up for you.

All right. I got it. I got it. Whatever.

I mean, but I'm like, because that

could get us in trouble. But I

don't care. It's not my school. It's

Ben Franklin's.

His name is on it. Sue him.

Trying to sue a dead guy. Good luck.

All right, man. You sound pretty cool.

We'll have a good time. All right. All's

cool. All's well. Thank you so much. Sure

thing. I'm going to score big with this

one. Well, it was fun talking to you.

Dude, thank you. All

right. Step right up, ladies and

gentlemen. Only $5 for a picture with

this hideous abomination of nature.

Pharmacy, this is. Do

you have cough syrup?Which kind of cough

syrup?The kind

that makes you sleepy.

There's a lot of those out there. It just

depends on what you're looking for. Yeah,

my mom calls it.

Sleepy

Kool-Aid. Oh ohh no.

I love cough

syrup. What kind of

cough syrup do you want?The happy

kind. Who is

this?This is

Ed. Ed who?

I don't have an Ed in our computer.

Umm

Ed?Umm

What's your phone number?

Ed?

Hello?

Hello

Hmm

Hello?And?

What an incredible dream I was having.

Yay!