03x21 - Best-of Special 1

[bunniefuu]

Hey, yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS's.

Tonight on Crank Gankers, Wanda Sykes,

Tracy Morgan, Jimmy Kimmel,

Sarah Silverman, Jim Florentine.

Adam Corolla and Tony Barbieri as

Niles Standard.

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers!

Hello. HelloIs this Camille?Yes.

Oh, the charm lady. The etiquette lady.

Who's speaking, please?This is Gladys

Murphy. Camille. Girl, I need some charm

real f*cking fast, boy. Hook me

up, girl. Do I know you?No. A friend of

mine gave me your number. She said she

saw you on TV and and you know all that

sh*t all that good etiquette shitAnd I

need some of that. Girl, I got a date

tonight with this rich, this big old

rich, successful c*ck suckerAnd I I got

to impress him. I can't let this one get

away. You say excuse me. Oh, OK. That's

the first thing, right?When something you

don't talk over people, right?I know that

sh*t right?

Do you want to pay my fees?Of course.

I don't want, you know, ain't nothing for

free. And once I once I get this, get

this rich mother girl. I can pay you all

day. Excuse me. I I don't use that kind

of language. All right. I knew that. My

bad. My bad. So I got. I got to let

this dude know I'm a classy b*tch baby.

Hold on. Hold on. OK. I recognize that

you're in need. But I'm. I'm

also a professional who works with

corporate clients. OK, well, you know,

OK, give me, just give me a couple tips.

Just give me a couple things. And

then what?What's that?

Gotta clean up your language. What?You

mean like what?Don't don't say ain't and

and and double negatives and sh*t like

that. Because I have to put that up all

the time. I'm always saying sh*t like,

you know, yeah, but you're talking to me

and I don't teach. I don't teach that

kind of thing, right. So I got to stop

all that shitYou didn't get it.

You did it again. What?I said ain't. No,

you say. Oh, OK, OKThat's

not a proper word. That's not a proper

word. And #2, when you call someone, you

have to give your name and tell why

you're calling. OK, so I should just

stop. And #3. You don't just keep

talking. Are you on drugs?No,

girl. Well, you act like it. I I smoke

weed, but I I don't have nothing right

now. I am, you know. All right. Well,

OK. So should I should I offer him some

weed when I see him tonight?Get him high,

then f*ck him and take his money.

Thank you. Thank you. But I think I have

to go now. Bye. Bye. Oh, don't. Come on,

Camille. I need.

Thank you for calling. speaking. Yes, my

name is Spoon Love, and I'm I'm seeking

reservations for me and my wife tonight

at your restaurant. And what's your first

name?Spoon Spoon. OK.

We had our first date at your restaurant.

Oh, that's so sweet. Yeah, this is our

five year anniversary. I have a like a

special request. Is that possible?Sure.

Could you put a bottle of Chantel on ice

in the bathroom?In the bathroom?Yeah,

like put some ice in the sink in the

bathroom. OK. Please hold. Just give me

one second. OK.

Hi, this is Eric. How can I help you?Yes,

we just made some arrangements. Oh, which

is maybe some rose petals in the

bathroom. Rose petals in the bathroom.

Yeah, this is our five year anniversary.

I don't think that's going to work for

us. Doing any. Doing

anything in the bathroom is not going to

work for us. Well, your bathroom is

the 1st place me and my wife may love.

She rocks spoon world. Woo. Make your

head blow off. Well, unfortunately,

we stunk up the bathroom that night.

Yeah, that aroma was in the air. Smelled

like grown sex. That's great.

Glad to hear it. That's not going to

happen here tonight. Have you ever made

love to a woman in that those bathrooms?

Frankly, that's that's none of your

business. That's neither. That's neither

here nor there. Well, let me tell you

something, man. It was pure glory when I

cracked them cheeks. We could be happy to

take a dinner reservation for you. We're

not going to make any kind of special

arrangements in our restrooms. Could you

just do me one favor?What's that?Why

don't you have a guy take a crap in the

stall next to us while we do it?Sir, your

your reservation is for. Could you just

make sure like the toilets are clean in

case like one of my ba*ls fall in?Sir.

Yeah. Last name Spoon. Party of two,



want to do it in the bathroom. I'm not

the least been interested in in in

continuing this conversation on that

level. Any special requests taking

place in my restrooms is just completely

inappropriate. All right, then what if I

just your a*s in the coat room?Absolutely

not. That is the end of this

conversation. Good night.

Hello, driver's training. Hello, is it

driving school?Yes, it is. I'm

looking to learn how to drive. What?

Do you have your permit?No, I don't

have nothing. Don't have nothing. My

wife used to drive me around. Uh-huhBut

she passed away. I see. Now I'm

looking to learn how to drive

myself. I'll tell you what I do. I

start all my students with seven

and a half hours. Seven and a half hours?

That's correct. That's a long drive.

Well, Well we won't do that all in one

day. 'Cause I have to go to the bathroom

about every 20 minutes or so. Yeah.

So we'll have to pull over if we're going

to go 7 1/2 hours. Yeah. Uh,

yeah, I think probably. Can you drive me

around where I want to

go?No. You would have to learn how to

drive. I need to go to my

grandson's house. No, no

And also you could drive me to my

friend's house. We play

poker at the gas station. I don't

carry people around. Can you give me a

car?Well, I wouldn't give you a car, but

you could use mine while we were working

on it. Okay. You're a married

lady. Well, probably

that isn't important, is it?You're

available, 'cause I'm looking-- Okay,

listen now. I I need to go now.

You sound like a beautiful girl. I

appreciate that, but thank you so much.

Wait, Tommy, you gotta pick me up. Oh,

well, we're not going today. Let me tell

you what I wanna do. I'm gonna get my

permit tomorrow. Okay, you get your

permit tomorrow. You know why I want you

to drive me over there tomorrow?

No, I'm not gonna do that. I'm all hands,

too. No, you'll have to get your permit

on your own. What I like to do is while

I'm driving. I'm going to hang up now.

Listen, listenI can't hear you, darling.

Yes, you can hear me. I'm hiding here.

Listen, you don't start the nasty talk,

okay?You get off this phone and you stay

off of it. You hear me?I'm looking my

wife. You can hear me on my head. Get off

of the phone and stay off of it. My wife

passed away. Thank you very much. And I'm

looking for driving lessons and

sex.

Yay!

Thanks for coming. How may I help you?Hi.

I'm looking for maternity clothes,

um, that do not make me look

like I'm wearing a tablecloth with a hole

in it, you know?Okay. I was just

wondering what kind of stuff you carry.

I'm really looking for something that

would be as slimming as possible.

Okay. I want to be able to look skinny at

eight months, you know. Skinny at eight

months?Well, what do you have that is the

most flattering stuff?We have a good

variety, but I mean, you want something

that gonna make you look small at eight

months. I mean, that's... impossible to

do 'cause you're showing at eight months

old. Uh, yeah, I know, but I just-- I'm

starving myself just trying to...

You know, I mean, I'm glad I'm pregnant.

I want to have a baby, but I don't know

why it has to make me look like a cow,

you know?All right, God. Do you have--

like, what designers do you carry?We have

the Poplin shark, the Budd-Now shark,

the, um.. Ugh

The Moleskine shark.

Okay, and that's basically it.

I don't know. I think I'm just gonna get

an ab*rtion. Okay. All

right. Thanks for helping me make up my

mind. Okay. Bye-bye. Okay.

Extra, extra, read all about it. Covalent

bonding of hydro-alkalide metals with

high temperature related to proton

density.

Editorial. Hi, is this... Yeah.

This is Ed. Ed?Is this

Scientific American?Yes, it is.

Yeah, I made a volcano. Yay!

What about it?Yeah, I made a volcano with

baking soda. Will you publish my

findings?What?Will you

publish my findings?No.

Why?

Editorial. Hi, is this?Yes, it is.

My name is Bobby Fletcher. You've talked

to my cousin Ed before. He called about a

volcano. Yes, Sir. And I think

you were pretty rude to him because he's

pretty upset about it. I don't know what

happened. He was yelling into the phone.

Did you say something mean to him?No,

Sir. This is a highly complex.

Scientific magazine. A volcano with

baking soda is is a very simple high

school project. It's not a simple high

school project. I mean, I just did one

last week myself. I'm out of high school.

He added vinegar to it. I mean, it was a

lot more complex. What?This is a

relatively elementary type of type of

science project. So you're telling me

this couldn't be in your magazine?No, of

course not. It's a bunch of nerds that

read your magazine anyway. Sir. Perhaps

you can try something else, but no, our

magazine is simply not interested. I

don't understand the problem. We do, we

do articles on quantum physics and high

school, high school level experiments.

I'm sorry, this is a high school level

experiment. It may be in your high school

it was. Sir, no, I'm sorry.

You don't understand how it looks. I

mean, just tell them you will, you know,

humor them.

No, Sir,

please. You got to see how we built it.

You hurt the kids feelings. You know what

I mean?I'm sorry, but I can't help that.

Can I just put him on the phone and could

you just tell him that this isn't your

kind of magazine to do that?Please don't

do that. Let me just. He's right here.

Just just pretend to like it, OK?

The kids are all upset. Don't do that.

He's all upset. Here he is. Sir.

Hi, Ed. You didn't like my

volcano?I haven't even seen your volcano,

Ed. But you said you wouldn't put it in

your magazine. Why?

I think it's very nice, and I think maybe

your hometown newspaper really should

publish it. No, I work really, really

hard on it. Why won't you at least look

at it?I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ed. It's

really not my business to do this. It's

the best thing I ever made. Yes, Ed,

I'm hearing you. I thought I finally did

something like a big boy. I'll see what I

can do, Ed. You ever taste lava?Not

really, Ed. The lava tastes like sour,

too. Can you put that in the magazine?

It's simply-- it's simply not acceptable

for a magazine, all right?

Ah

Uh Uh

Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh

Yay.

Hi. You guys sell mattresses?Yes, we do.

Fantastic. I have a little bit of a

sleeping disorder. Oh, yeah. A lot of bad

memories. You know, when you close your

eyes, they all come back. You ever been

to Nam?No. In country?No.

How old a man are you, Jim?I'm 40 years

old. k*lled a lot younger than you. A

lot of men over there. OK, Yeah.

Funny to you. Not funny to me.

Not when I wake up in the middle of the

night covered with sweat, right?Throwing

punches in the wind. Nice.

Yeah, nice for you. But not

nice for me. My wife wakes up and I'm

holding a crochet needle over her head.

About ready to put her out of her misery.

Not nice then, Jimbo. No. Maybe she gets

separate beds. Tried that.

No good. Cut me off. Interesting.

Man, can't go. But so long

without some boontang. You know what I'm

saying?Oh, I know that. Back when I was

in country, we used to get that around

every corner. Couple of bucks.

Little sucky Effie. Nice. Nice

Nice for you, but not nice for the

Vietnamese wh*re I knocked up. Things

happen. Things happen for you, but not

for the I k*lled over there. What's

happening for them?They're decomposing.

That's what's happening to them.

Interesting. Interesting for you.

Not interesting for the brothers I left

behind. No, that's sad.

Sad for you. Sad for all of

us. Sad for all of us. I think you got

me on that one. All right, So what do you

guys got?California King over there?Got

it all. You got them motorized beds?

Sure. What's the how many pounds can that

lift?Because my, like I said, my wife,

she ain't no flyweight. Good. 300 pounds.



All right, then we have to think of

something else. She has a disability, you

know. OK. It's a thyroid disorder.

Interesting. Interesting for you.

Not interesting for the team of doctors

who've been trying to solve that fat

riddle for over 20 years.

HmmFor you. But not for me. No.

When I'm going downstairs, you know what

I'm saying?That's scary. Yeah. Scary

for you. Not for me. Scary for me. Oh,

wait a minute. Yeah. You turn that one

around on me, buddy. You got it. Caught

me off guard. I like the cut of your jib,

buddy. Yeah. YeahCome on down. I'll buy

you a beer. Let's go out. You seem like

good people. I am good people. Good

people for you. That's right. I'll be the

guy who's pulling up in the Ford F-250

with the gods. Guts and g*ns bumper

sticker. Loving it. Got the Uncle Henry a

hygge horn. Tilt some cold ones.

Finish you off with a reach around. No

way now. Good for you. I don't think

so. Well, good for me. That's right. Not

good for the carpet. No way.

Hello. Yes, I'm calling you about to have

the paper. Which ad?The receptionist. And

your phone number?563--



ahead.



And your number?

Please. Your phone

number, ma'am. And your name?Dina. And I

need your phone number, please.





called about the receptionist's job. I

called about the receptionist. All right.

And when?When is your availability?When

could you start?What is the name of your

company?It's BBBBBBB

Enterprises. I'm sorry, I couldn't

understand you. This is Dina. This is

Dina. And you're calling about the

receptionist job. Receptionist job.

Your name is Dina. Dina. All right. And I

need a phone number, please.

And your name is Dina. Correct.

And you're calling about the receptionist

job. Correct. And what is the name of

your company?It's

Enterprises. Can I hear you say thank you

for calling Enterprises?

It's a real person. I mean, it was weird

time. I kept receiving my name and

number. I had no idea what the you're

calling. Why did you do that?Hello.

HelloAnd what is your name, love?Yeah,

my name's Tom. Hello, Tom.

What can I do for you today?Well, I want

to know the problem. I'm sorry. I want to

know where the problem is. And you're

interested in the job?Not in time.

You called about the receptionist job.

What's your phone number?Yes, you called

me. What's your phone number?702?You call

my house again. I'm going to call the

police.

No police.

No police. I can't have a police. Listen

to me, Tom. Listen to me. Well, all

right. What?Let's talk. Let's talk

Turkey. Let's talk salary. What's

the name of your company?The name of the

company is Enterprises.

Now what's enterprises?

Not so much more.

We make stock tickers. And what's the

address of

your company?

We

are located on

Maryland

Parkway. I'm gonna hang up.