03x20 - Dane Cook & Kevin Nealon

[bunniefuu]

Hey, yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS.

Tonight on Crank Anchors, Jimmy

Kimmel, Sarah Silverman,

Kevin Nealy, Tony Barmieri,

David Alan Grier, and Jim

Florentine at Special Ed. Frosty

has magic poop.

Come one, come all, because we're having

a ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged.

Oh, what?But it doesn't really matter

No, it doesn't really matter 'Cause we'll

all be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others Maybe even your mother

Won't you join the Crank Yankers tonight?

Crank Yankers!

Yay!

Oakland Tree Farm. Is this the Christmas

tree place?Yes, it is. I need

to talk to Derek or Steve.

Um, we don't have a Derek or Steve here.

What's the big idea?Well, what happened

under my tree?Your tree?

Somebody carved their names Derek

plus Steve and put a big heart around it

in my Christmas tree. Really?

Yeah, really. I want to know who's

responsible down there for

giving me a g*y tree. I

don't know, Sir. I'm sorry. I

bought what I thought was a beautiful

tree. Where's it at?

It's right in the middle of the trunk.

Really. It says something, man. I don't

know what it means, but it says butt

buddies and I'm #4

and then ever. I don't know what that

means. I really don't know what Derek

received, though. I'm an 85 year old

man. It's gonna be my last

Christmas. Now I got to celebrate with a

h*m* tree. Well, you could put like

an ornament or something over it. Put an

ornament over it. I don't even think

of Christmas. I think of two men with

their shirts off kissing each other with

tongue. Imagine that.

Is it really noticeable?What are you

talking about?This thing's practically

skipping around my my living room here.

But you didn't see it before?No,

I didn't see it until I clipped it. I

like to clip the tree beautiful,

make it all clean and nice,

and I decorate it. I'll cover it

with tinsel and popcorn. Yeah, and

grapes. And then I saw

Derek and Steve. So some g*y people

wrote on your tree. Maybe some g*y

lumberjacks cut it down. I don't know.

All I know is I wound up with a g*y tree.

I don't know what to tell you. I don't

even know any dereks or thieves that live

around here that would have gone on our

property and wrote on the tree. They're

probably making love in the woods.

They're making love in the woods. I want

you to find a heterosexual tree and

bring it to my house and get this g*y

tree out of here and ship it up to

wherever the hell back it came from.

OK, well, let me take your name and your

phone number. Who are you talking about

there?Put them on the phone. OK,

well, put him on the phone. I want to

talk to the manager. Hi, this

fell. I'm having a fairy Christmas

here. What kind of sicko is the owner of

this place?Goodbye.

What do you mean goodbye?

Can I help you?Hi, I hope so.

My name is Hadassah Guberman and I'm

looking to hire a Santa to come into

my kindergarten class that I help out

with. OK, I want the Santa to

come in and say h* h* h* and then take

off his beard and say merry

reality.

OK, I just. I want the kids to know that

there is no Santa Claus. I see.

You know, even if it makes them cry, I

think it's really for the best. And I

would love us, Santa, to come in and just

take off the suit, take off the beard,

and just cry, act ashamed,

apologize to the kids for living a lie.

And we'll have juice and cookies after,

you know, and it will be like, here's a

human being. OK, so really what you need

is you need a you need an actor. You you

don't. You don't need a Santa then. Well,

there's no such thing as Santa. But yes,

one of your actors who plays Santa. And

is that a school?It's a private school

for homeschooled children. I see.

OK, this is OK with all the parents. Oh,

yeah. I've taught at many, many, many,

many, many, many, many different schools

in many different states. Unfortunately,

I believe it's important no matter what

the parents think or what lies. They

tell their kids. These children are

awfully small, right?They're four and

five. Wow. We did this with the

Easter Bunny and this was last April and

most of them are fully fine

now. Uh-huhWe

actually sacrificed a rabbit and we all

prepared it. We all helped make all the

preparations and the oven and the

cleaning and the skinning of it,

and it ends up being really, really

amazing. But you're not going to do that

to Santa, are you?It's going

to cost you more than 150.

Besides, there'll be enough meat on there

to last you a long time.

Oh, God, you are bad.

I'm too much, huhWell, listen, why don't

you, why don't you give me a call and and

then we'll line this up for you.

Absolutely. Let's ruin Christmas. I'll

call you Monday. All right. Bye. Bye.

Hello. This is Niles Standish calling. Is

this Mr. Levroni?Yes. Wonderful.

Now you're in town for the big Mr.

Olympia competition. Yes. YesYes, Sir.

All right. Here's what's what. I'm a very

wealthy philanthropist, and I'm looking

to hire some bodybuilders for an event

I'll be staging later on this season. OK.

It's our annual Christmas Gala and I need

a dozen or so stout bodybuilders

to help me create my vision.

What's your vision?What I want to do to

celebrate Christmas this year is to

harness a sleigh with muscle bound

reindeers. Really.

Now you're saying pulling a sleigh?

Pulling a Christmas sleigh. A traditional

Niles Standish Christmas. OK,

all right now. You'll be harnessed about

the chest. What is your chest

circumference?



With my type of a physique, I'm more like

a sexy bodybuilder. You know,

I have the flowing lines and the movement

and the tiny waist, you know, and the

broad shoulders, you know. Sounds like

somebody is vying for the Rudolph role.

And I don't mind. I absolutely love your

conference. I want the starring role

because I'm a star, Mr. Levroni.

Are you familiar with the standard

Christmas carols?Oh, absolutely. I sing

very well. Hit me with a little Jingle

Bells, please. Here you go.

Jingle bells, Jingle bells,

Jingle all the way.

Oh, what fun it is to ride in

A1 horse open sleigh.

There you go. You have the voice of a St.

Yes. A St. Bernard. Now listen.

I love it. Will you be able to sing that

well with a bit in your mouth?With a what?

Yeah, I'm giving you a little too much

info. Let's talk dollars now. Let's talk

dollars and cents. All right, talk to me.

Talk to me. Twenty-five grand.

Twenty-five grand?Yes. Do you know who I

am?I have 30 first-place victories

from Spain, Italy, Germany, France,

Russel, Czechoslovakia, England, Holland,

Poland, Finland, Italy, all over the

world. Hold on. I have to pick myself up

off the floor. Let me tell you something.

There are going to be perks beyond money.

I almost forgot the best part, the

traditional milking of the reindeers.

I'm going to be dressed as Santa Claus,

high on my sleigh, sitting on a bag of.

Boys, you and my other muscle men

reindeer are going to pull me through the

woods. I'll grab my toy sack

and we'll have the most joyous Noel we've

ever had.



contract here at the men that they back.

Now for 25K, may I ride you bareback

No. All right, we'll work out all the

specifics. Merry Christmas, Kevin Livoni.

Merry Christmas. And all you muscle men.

Merry Christmas from Niall Standish.

Thank you. Hello, my

here.

Yes, I'm having a Christmas party,

December 19th, and I'm looking for

Christmas carolers. What's the name of

your group?The of Choir Boys.

How does that work now?Do they show up

for an hour or whatever?What is that?

Well, usually if we are giving a full

concert. OK, let's take it down a notch.

You don't have to yell. I'm sorry. I

don't. I don't respond well with

aggression. So how many songs would you

guys do?Well, we just let me

count the ones that we have, which are

acapella one. All right. All rightLet's

bring it down a little bit. What?Let's

just bring the tone of voice down a

little bit. And there's no need to get

uncivilized about this. No, I'm counting.

You are on edge. I I just, I just

want to wait for you to calm down. You

let me know when you're ready to start.

Well, obviously your phone has a very

high volume level, but I'll count now. Is

this a good level?Let's take it down just

a little bit, a little bit less than

that. We could do 15 songs

unaccompanied. All right. You don't need

to get defensive now. No, I I'm adding up

my. So you're doing, you're doing it

right now. You're getting defensive. Are

you in anger management?Who are you?My

name is Bert Wallace. And what company do

you run?The AFCO buttons. You're

pressing buttons. All right. We need a

Christmas cheer, not Christmas rage. I've

never spoken to anybody like you before.

All right, now there you go again. It is

an average of two minutes a song. The



really think my ear is bleeding. I mean,

you need to just take it down a little

bit and then you can tell me what songs

that the choir sings and then we'll line

you guys up for the evening. Silent

night. Hello, Mr. Condescending tone.

Silent night. You know what passive

aggressive means, my friend?I don't think

you know what a normal conversation is.

OK, your superiority complex is so

charming. Well, I need an address. I need

a time. We'll get to all that. Just take

a deep breath. Oh, hyperventilated, but

keep taking deep breaths. Did you have a

traumatic childhood?Is that the problem?

Let's funnel the energy into a positive

direction, can we?I'm as positive as I

can be, but you're very negative. Well,

you're a very unpleasant man. I'm sorry.

Please don't take that tone with me. I'm

speaking in a normal tone. All right, let

me call you back. And you'll be at the

same number. I will be at the same

number. OK, take it. Take it easy.

Take it easy. Do you put all this rage

into the into those poor choir boys?Well,

we have a wonderful. Wonderful working

relationship. I have it with everybody.

You're the first person who's spoken like

this. Well, I'm the first person that's

honest with you. I've done fine all my

life. No need to get snippy. No, I'm not

getting snippy. What was the name of the

company, please?Avco Buttons.

You don't have to make fun of the name.

It's Buttons. But you already made fun of

my childhood by saying it was traumatic.

Can we say goodbye without screaming at

each other?Goodbye.

You're a real Ebenezia Scrooge. I got to

tell you. Talk soon.

Circle, this is Nikki. How can I help you?

Hey, my name is Landelius Trufel.

I'm trying to get my Christmas CD in the

store by holiday time. Now, who do I talk

to about that?Yeah, that's our

distributor. They handle everything that

we sell in the store. You'd have to go

through them because, you know, it's kind

of like, it's kind of like a special

interest CD because, you know, I am a

former ball player. I played semi-pro

ball a while back. They called me the

truth. You know, the truth, the truth is

in the end zone. You know, that's what

they used to say. And what I kind of done

is to get the. Kids for the babies, you

know, get them interested in Christmas

and to give them a little message, you

know, and like, like I do like my own

version of 12 Days of Christmas, you

know, on the first day of Christmas, my

true love gave to me some.

On the second day of Christmas, my true

love. Hey, excuse me. Yeah, I'm really

sorry, but I have. On the second day of

Christmas, my true love gave to me. She

gave me booty butt and she gave me some.

Excuse me, I have to-- On the third day

of Christmas, my true love gave to me

three fingers and a and a play with her

t*tties as you gave me some .

I'm sorry. On the fourth day of

Christmas, my true love gave to me four

jobs, three fingers, and a play with her

t*tties and you gave me some .

Are you done?I just wanted to finish,

'cause I'm only on day four. I'm

actually, I have to help other customers,

so I really have to go. You need to call

our decision. Okay. On the fifth day of

Christmas, my true love gave to me five

tr*nny hoes. Four

dropped three fingers, and her played

with her t*tties and she gave me some .

Are you done?I was trying to come up, you

know, can you let me borrow $500?

Uh, no. Do you want to use some

carolers this year?Because I could come

in the store and say, you knowNo, I think

that's OK. Straight up, you know,

straight up. Do you want to sing some

more?Well, let me just skip to day 12,

because that's the, you knowOK, go ahead.

On the 12th day of Christmas,

my true love gave to me



jobs, 11 Cleveland

steamers, 10.

Dirty Sanchez nine

hot corals, eight tr*nny

hoes, uh, seven

sloppy seconds, six

golden showers, five...

sideways in

her assFour nipple rings, three , two

knuckle busts, and some...

What do you think?I really, really have

to go. I'm sorry. I have to help

customers. Bye.

Hello. Well, Merry Christmas to ally'all.

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true

love gave to me. Jobs,













she gave me some

Hi, this is Ed. Who's this?This is .

Do you have reindeers?Do we have

reindeers?Yeah. No. What do you mean

no?Because I love

reindeers. Yay. Yeah.

Frosty the reindeer is my favorite. All

right. Yeah. I want to be friends with

Frosty. Oh, you think he would like

me?Sure. Yay.

Me and Frosty are going to be friends.

All right. That's great news. How high do

the reindeers fly that you have there?

I've never seen any of them flying. Yeah.

How do you think they get the presents to

people's houses?Well, it takes a lot of

imagination. Yeah. Frosty's going to fly

me to Grandma's house. Oh, that's

nice of you to remember Grandma. Yeah. I

got her some teeth. Oh. Yeah.

And some, uh, diapers. What's she

doing in diapers?Uh, because she wets the

bed. Oh. Yeah, and she poops the

bed. She can't control it. But I told

my mom I want to do that too. And she

said, no, you're too old for that. I

said, but grandma's older than me. Why

can't I poop and pee to bed?Right.

In the winter time, I make doody

snowballs and I throw them at people. Oh,

my. That's not very nice. No, it's

fun. Poop gets all over everyone. Yay.

That's terrible. No, it's fun. Everybody

laughs. Except the one that got

hit. Frosty has magic poop.

Oh, my. It flies like a thousand and

thousands of miles. I'll be darned.

Does Frosty eat poop like a doggy does?

Yeah. Yay! Frosty eats

poop. I got somebody knocking at the

door. I've got to go. Yay!

Frosty eats poop.

Okay, goodbye.

Yay! Yay!

God bless us, everyone. On

the 12th day of Christmas, my true love

gave to me 12 jobs,