03x19 - Bob Odenkirk & Tracy Morgan

[bunniefuu]

Hey, yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS.

Tonight on Crank Gankers. Lisa

Kushel, Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah

Silverman, Tony Barbieri.

Kevin Nealon, Ludacris, and Cleo

Escobedo as our angry midgetAre you

aware that little people have normal

genitals?

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers Come on, come

on, you can say what you want And they'll

never know if you're derangedOh,

what?But it doesn't really matter No, it

doesn't really matter 'Cause we'll all be

doubled over with laughter At the

expense of others, maybe even your mother

Won't you join the Crank Yankers tonight?

Crank Yankers!

Hi, this is. Hi, you're in charge of the

mall, Santa. No,

I'm not. But what's the problem?I had a

little bit of a of an uncomfortable

situation. I went to take a picture with

Santa like I do every year and it's

always a really good time and.

You know, I was talking to him and he

asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and

I asked him if he wanted me to play

with his toy sack and I got no reaction

at all. His lap was as flat as Kansas.

OK, so I don't understand what you're

saying. Well, I'm a dancer, so

normally if I do things like that, I

get, you know, a reaction. I mean, I'm

incredibly hot and normally I'll get some

sort of a a response. I even said, do you

want to see my beard?And there was just

nothing N about his pole. And normally

I'll get a North Pole and eggnog. And OK,

I don't want to hear any more of this at

all. Possibly you think they're hotter

than you are. I'm sorry. That is

disgusting. I don't want to hear it. And

the Santa should not have responded to

you in any way, shape or form. Well,

Santa Claus did the correct thing. Then

you should probably talk to the 30 other

Santas that I've dealt with in the past.

We want Santa to be completely clean.

He did the right thing. You were way out

of line in what you did to him. He didn't

totally not respond, by the way. He was.

He was like, oh, your shoes are beautiful

and they totally go with your purse. And

I was like, dude, OK, we're not doing a

sexual orientation test of our Santa. I

can guarantee you that he smelled

like perfume. I don't know what to say to

you. Is a hetero Santa too much to ask

for?As I said, we do not do sexual

orientation tests of our Santa closets.

We don't care. They are not

supposed to be anything.

They are Santa Claus. If you have a

problem with them not responding to you,

that's your problem. You're not going to

let them wear chaps and a leather vest,

are you?You know, this

conversation's over. Goodbye. Merry

Fishmas. Oh, here comes Santa Claus.

Here comes Santa Claus. Santa Claus

is coming.

Hello?Hi, is Sandra there?Who's

calling?My name is Terrence Catheter.

How can I help you?I am the assistant to

Miss Deborah Messing. Okay. What sort of

readings do you do?I do a past

life regression reading. Ooh, is that

painful?Sometimes it is. It is. And what

sort of things do they come back as?

Everyone is different. Could you make

sure Debra's is something great, like a

queen or something like that?Well, if

that's what I say for her, then that's

what I will tell her. Oh, because it

could be really bad. Maybe we shouldn't

even do that part. Because if she's a

peasant or like a minority or

something like that, I mean, it could be,

oh, it could be bad for me. Yeah, because

she's sensitive. She's very sensitive and

she can sometimes get angry at me. Which

I like to avoid her anger and her wrath.

OK. OKNo problem. Let me tell you a

couple of things about Deborah, because I

really would like this to go. No, I don't

want you to tell me anything about her.

Really?She is pregnant. I will tell you

that, because-- You're not supposed to

tell me that. Deborah just lost her

beloved dog, Buttermilk. Do not tell me

anything about her. Karen, such cheating.

I'm going to pick up everything that's

going on in her life around her. But what

I would love is some sort of a message

from Buttermilk like,

I love you, I miss you. If she

has a pitcher of Buttermilk. Woof, woof,

that sort of thing. Do you have a picture?

And we have pictures of the dog alive and

dead as well. I'm not sure which ones you

would want. Okay, both. Very good.

Now could you tell also, Deborah, that

you see an Oscar in her future?I, you

know, she is, you know, very, very

popular and she will get an award. So

don't worry about that. So popular and we

would love for her to get. She has so

many awards out there. She's not

interested in any of them. She's

interested in OSCAR and the

Blockbuster award she'd love to get also.

But that's what she wants and that's what

I want her to have. She's going through

mood swings and craziness, and she's been

angry and violent and lactating and

milking and popping and all those things

that go on with that. I want everything

to workout. I'd love a message from her

dead dog, Buttermilk, something

inspirational, like go get him, go get

him, Debra, something like that. But in

dog talk, OK, don't. Whatever I'm going

to pick up, that's what I'm going to tell

her. We would love to be able to contact

some dead celebrities, Debra, just.

absolutely idolized

Liberace. So we would-- Really?We would

love to contact him too, and and maybe

have him play piano. No problem.

Thank you so much. You are so

wonderful, and I really-- Thank you, and

so are you. I'm looking forward to

meeting you. Yes, and I'll rub your feet

and everything. Thank you. Okay. Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

Hello?Hi, Trent. This is Hadassah

Guberman. Oh, okay. Okay, this is

for Teen Steam Magazine. It's a

section in the magazine where the readers

can get to know America's new hotties.

Oh, really?Yeah. All right.

OK. You ready?Sure. What's your favorite

fruit?Pineapple.

OK, I'm going to put banana. If you

could be any animal. These are teenagers.

If you could be any animal, what would it

be?A dog. Or what about a

pot-bellied pig?I love those. I'm going

to put pot-bellied pig. OK. No, I'm a

dog. OK. If you met Jessica

Simpson and Nick Lachey, would you

die?Don't answer that. I know you would.

Never mind. OK. No, we've already. We've

already met them. No, that's they're just

normal people that don't even say

that. That is not true. Um

You're changing all my answers. Well, I'm

because it's also like my job to kind of

punch it up, you know, to work within the

context of a teen magazine. What kind

of music do you like?R&B.

I'm going to put down fusion jazz just to

give it some pizzazz. I have no idea what

that is. Well, it's OK. OKDo you think

Ashton Kutcher is too young for Demi

Moore?No. OK, I'm going to put that you

think Ashton's too kissable to be tied up

now. Don't put that I said he's too

kissable. That would come off as sounding

rather odd on my part. I'll just

know it. I'll put both and then we'll

just figure it out later. Do you have a

nickname?No, Trent, because it's an

unusual enough first name that that's

kind of what I've always gone by. I don't

know. That's kind of a stupid nickname.

How about the moose?Yeah, but I'm a

quarterback, so. Oh, so that's right.

You're quarter the size of the big guys.

Well, I wouldn't say that, but great. So

you like bananas, jazz, fusion. You think

Ashton is totally kissable?Got

it. I think that I have everything that I

need. You've been amazing. No problem.

Thanks, Moose. All right, bye.

Hello. HelloThis is Niles

Standish. In answer to that ad,

I know it's a day early, but I'd like to

get some information if I could. Uh,

the house sitter. What's your name?

Richard. Hello, Richard.

Can I call you DickYeah, go ahead.

Everybody else does. Because I'll tell

you something. I want a d*ck in my house

now. Have you had experience living in a

home before?No, but it's right down

my alley, basically. Yes, it is. It is.

Now you'll have complete access to the

pool, the moat, the bowling alley, the

spa and sauna, the Cobra room, the

ice cream shop, Lollipop Land. As well

as the hyena estate, as well as the

spankery sounds glorious. What do you

feel about wearing a uniform?I

wear a uniform now. It's a French maid's

uniform. I don't think I'd want to wear a

French maid's uniform, though. It's

perfect for buggery and cornholery. Yeah,

cornholery. Yeah, I betcha. What about a

little cr*cker Jack sailor outfit?I'm a

Jack of all trades. I can probably do

whatever you want. Are you a narcotics

user?I used to be, but I'm not anymore.

What sort of things did you dabble in?

Cocaine. Heroin.

Ecstasy. Uh, so far you're the

perfect applicant. What else have you got?

I have some damnable little children who

live a few doors down. If their

ba*ls should come into the yard, you must

not return it. It is of utmost

import that they not get their ball back.

I'd go along with that too, the little

b*stards yes. But if those

same said little b*stards will

agree to rub your calves, they get the

ball back. I think we could work that out

also. Can you use a firearm?

Oh, I don't think I want to do that. Have

you ever operated a Cobra launcher?Uh,

no. I mean, it is just to scare them.

If the neighbor kids come over the hedge,

let me hear you say get the hell out of

here or I'll skin you alive. I'll be the

kid and you say get the hell out of here,

skin me alive. Little role-playing. Are

you ready?Mr. Mr. My ball has

fallen into your yard. Can I get it?

No, get the hell out of here. Or

what?Or I'll throw you in the moat.

No, the line was or I'll skin you alive.

See, you're not sticking to script.

Already you're going off script and I

love it. Now, is 75 an hour going to work

for you?I don't think so. I think I need

more now after you tell me everything you

need. Let me tell you something, $75 is

the most I've ever paid for a DickIt is.

Well, you've been dealing with the wrong

d*ck then. This is super d*ck that you're

talking to now. I don't think I could do

it for $75.00 an hour. But Super

d*ck I need you. 78. I'll go



I think we have a deal. I'm sending a car

to pick you up, Super DickI can't wait

for some Super DickOh, wonderful.

Thank you. Ta.

Hello. Hey, I was calling in

reference to the ad in the newspaper.

Personal assistant. Oh, right. Oh, that's

great. That's great. And your name is

Ricky Wright. OK, What?What

What are you able to do for me?I can. I

can type file. Really. How many words can

you type?Maybe like 40 per

minute. Wow. WowThat's great. OK, OKDo

you take dictation?No, I can learn.

Wow. OK, OK

OK. All right. What kind of cleaning

experience do you have?I worked there at

a hotel. Wow.

Shuttle driver and wow.

Great, great. And you cook?

Yes. Wow.

WowWow

OK. And what do you like to cook?I have a

variety of things. I like to experiment

here and there with different pastas.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow,

wow, wow, wowAre you easily impressed

at all?Easily impressed.

Not too easily. Oh,

I got a I got a gym in my home here and I

need the equipment kind of, you know,

maintained. Yeah, I like

exercise equipment. Yeah. How much you

bench?I need probably like

maybe two or some change.

This guy, that is me. I can't even

get. I can't get 150 up. Wow.

Now what about electrical equipment?You

good with that?Can you fix the clock on

my VCR?Don't tell me you can. Oh

yeah, that's wow.

This got EPA certification for heating

the air. You ever work with a

TiVo?Uh, no. Oh

So you're in the EPA?Yes. I just

got a universal certification. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Oh, I just cut my finger. I just cut

my finger. Do you know what mom spells

upside down?Wow.

Yes. Wow. You got it. What do you say to

wow?Mom.

Wow. Give me a wow. WowWow

All right. Wow. Wow you later.

All right.

All rightWow. WowHello.

HelloMay I speak to Benjamin Manor,

please?This is Jim. What's going on, man?

I need to know what kind of services

y'all offer, man. I need somebody that

really specializes in whole tossing. You

feel me?Yeah, I got you. No,

no, it's a serious matter, though. It's a

serious matter. Believe me, I know. The

reason why I started laughing is because

I can remember doing that for years. And

when someone first told me about that, I

didn't really understand it. But now I

do. I got six in the bed right now. They

sleep. They they done been here for three

days. I cannot get these holes out my

house and I'm suffocating in holes, man.

It's that many. I'm suffocating in they

they steal my stuff. You know what I'm

saying?On the way out, trying to take a

piece of me with them, man, we

can get together as soon as possible. I'm

telling you, I got six of them in my

house right now. It's like it's more an

emergency situation. I

mean, I can be there this afternoon to

take care of that. That's not a problem.

One of them need to at least, like, come

get these girls out my my bed to clean my

sheets, man. They they stiff from man

starts. You know what I'm saying?Yeah, it

is. Hey, man, tell me something. How far

do you think you could toss one?Well, the

name of the game is not to toss them. The

name of the game is to ease them out on

their own will. Let me tell you

something. These girls are tricky, dog.

They climb back in trying to look like

somebody else. Well, you know, first of

all, man, you you really don't need to be

bringing them to your crib. I'll be very

honest with you. I found one in the

attic, dog. Can you believe that?I

believe it. That b*tch was up there for

two weeks. Two weeks. You

got it going on.

You laughing. But I'm serious. I found

one in my dryer, dog. And I got a

small a*s dryer. She was folded up

in that one. Yeah, man, you got to be

like. The Orkin man, you know what I'm

saying?Like come crawling around as they

like roaches. As soon as I turn on the

light, they scatter.

I should have like deli tickets outside

my damn my my bedroom.

You can start to make money. Oh, damn it.

I got one coming through the window right

now, man. How fast can you get over here,

though?Give me your number and address.

I'll get over there as soon as possible.

I'm dying to see this. I just hope that

these girls look good. Oh, damn, she

just. She just fell three stories.

Hold up, man. I got to call to-- oh,

damn. Damn. You know what?I'm going to

call you right back. All right. OK.

Golf course. Yes, uh, I have a complaint.

Okay. I was at your course the other day,

and one of your people told me I should

go play miniature golf. You...

I don't quite understand what you mean,

ma'am. I'm a I'm a little person, you

see. OK. And just very,

very, very disturbing. Yeah. Was it a

male or a female?It was a male, of

course. Uh-huhHe asked me what my

handicap was in a very, very

condescending way, and I'm very upset. I

don't blame you. I I know who it

was. Do you tell normal people to go play

giant golf?Of course not, because there's

absolutely no excuse for that kind of.

Attitude, let alone rudeness. He really,

really spoke down to me. Yeah, that's

terrible. And he told me to take my

little ba*ls and go elsewhere. No, that's

crazy. I am telling you that if

I were you, I would call. OK, What is

your name, Sir?My name is DickMy name is

James Dixon. I mean, I stood behind the

counter for 20 minutes before anyone saw

me. What?He said they didn't know they

had lawn jockeys on golf courses. I mean,

that's crazy. That's.

There's absolutely no excuse for that.

I'm a tiny man. I have a tiny heart

smaller than a baby. Medically, it's

called half a baby heart. I cannot take

this aggravation. Jimmy, I worked in the

motion picture business with many, many,

many, many, many small people. I know

what you're saying, and I'm telling you,

there's no excuse for it. Are you aware

that little people have normal genitals?

Of course. Of course. Yes, I

just $1.00. He said Oompa Loompa. Where's

Willy Wonka?That's crazy. I,

you know, I'm really, I'm really

shocked and aghast because there is no

excuse for that attitude. He said his

baby could beat me up. I just. I no, I

am. I'm going to leave a note for Lori

for her to expect your call. As much as I

can apologize for someone else, I do.

Great DickUh-huhBye. Bye. Bye.

Thanks, Moose. Super d*ck I

need you. Wow!

Thanks, Moose. Super d*ck I

need you. Wow!

Thanks, Moose. Super d*ck I

need you. Wow!

Thanks, Moose. Super d*ck I

need you.

Wow!