03x16 - Adam Carolla & David Alan Grier

[bunniefuu]

Hey, yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS's.

Tonight on Crank Gankers, David Allen

Grier, Jimmy Kimmel,

Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel

again, Hank Azaria.

And Jason Schwartzman as Gemini.

The Lord is our shepherd and Satan is our

pilot.

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter No, it

doesn't really matter 'Cause we'll all be

doubled over with laughter At the

expense of others, maybe even your mother

Won't you join the Crank Yankers tonight?

Crank Yankers!

Hello. HelloMay I speak to Miss Simpson?

This is her. How you doing?My name is

Landelius Truefell. I'm calling

for the Truth Almost Celebrity Golf

Tournament. And I got some money for you.

OK. I do.

Let me tell you what we're trying to do.

I'm I'm organizing a golf tournament.

It's to raise money for the babies. We're

trying to do something for the kids. Now,

what I've been told by my lawyer is that

because I can't afford to pay the real

Jessica Simpson, but I can use your name,

which is legal, and this cash money, then

I can raise this money for these children

and we'll all be good. Does that sound

like something you'd like to do?

Do you play golf at all?I don't. Are you

blonde?No. I don't even care. Cause a lot

of other people going to be there. We got

so far. We got Eddie Murphy. Eddie. You

know Eddie Murphy?Yeah. Well, this Eddie

Murphy's a plumber, but same deal. He's

going to be there. Plumber from New

Jersey. We got the Olsen twins. Jack and

Bart Olsen. That's nice. You know, we got

Andy DickThe real Andy DickHe's going to

be mixing daiquiris. Did you ever watch

the show The Justice episode?I did. Yeah.

Boy, that's a beautiful girl there.

Man, let me ask you something. You think

them t*tties real?I have no idea. You

think them t*tties are

real. Do you think them t*tties are real?

Because I'm saying they are. And if they

are, man oh man, I know.

But back to the tournament though. What

we trying to do is raise some money for

the babies and. You know, I'm

really going to have to stop you here

because I just, I don't know. I don't

know about this. I'm sorry. I have never

heard of you. You never heard of me. I

haven't. This is the third year that we

doing the golf because we had, we had a

we had a Tri-City hit because what I did

is I made, I made a rap song for the

Urban Stations, you know, and the tune

was called Little White ba*ls. It's like

come play with my little white ba*ls.

Come play with my little white ba*ls. Hit

them, knock them. That put I'm in the

hole. Little white ball.

Little white ball. So, you know, it's

kind of humorous, but it's got some

weight because, like I said, we're doing

this for the babies. I really don't think

so. Thank you. Well, you've been so

sweet. I'm just, can I bust a rhyme for

Jesse?You know, because you got me on all

these hits. Hey, Jesse.

Are them t*tties real?Hey,

Jesse. Are them t*tties

There's a girl chim chim. There's a girl

chim chim. I see him. There's a girl chim

chim. Big, fat, juicy, old t*tties

That's just something on my butt for you.

Look here, girl. I'll see you when I see

you. This has been the truth. Coming at

you, baby. All right, then. Bye.

Hello. I'm calling 'cause of your ad in

the newspaper. What is your name?

Sherry. Sherry. This is a

reality show. Yes, it's called Meet the

Browns. Are you familiar with Whitney

Houston and Bobby Brown?Yeah.

You, as the winner of our

contest, would become the Browns,

Bobby and Whitney sl*ve.

Yeah, OK. And they're unstable.

They're crazy. They'll poke you with

things. They'll force you into situations

you don't want to be forced into. They

may have you pick up drugs for them. We

don't know. We're hoping for all sorts of

crazy things. If the prize is

significant, sure, why not?Can you take

a punch?Yeah, yeah, without a doubt.

OK, very good. Whitney is desperate for

approval. She loves to be complimented.

She loves to be taken care of. Oh,

actually, I can give. I can give up

plenty of that, girl. Actually, you.

Let's pretend I just was able to put my

shoes on. I'm Whitney. What do you say?

Oh, Whitney, you did such a great job. I

could have did that for you, but you did

an excellent job. That's good. I love it.

OK, let's pretend Whitney just brushed

your teeth successfully. What do you say?

Whitney, a fabulous job. Your teeth look

like veneers. Oh, they're. Oh, Whitney.

Let's pretend Whitney made a particularly

large bowel movement that she's proud of.

What do you say?Whitney, how did you make

that move?What did you eat?Oh,

Whitney, that was fantastic. Do

it again. Share it with Bobby. I

tell you what, I'm uplifted. I didn't

even make a bowel movement right now. And

I'm hearing this. I'm going crazy. Are

you a married woman?No, single. Are you

bisexual by any chance?No, I'm not.

HmmWhy?I need

to see. Well, we don't know what their

demands are going to be, and sometimes

they get a little wild and I don't want

to see you get whipped. I really don't.

At night, you will be protected. We will

have the door locked because we do not

want Bobby impregnating you.

Have you ever used cocaine or any drugs?

No, I don't do that. OK, you will have

to. Bobby's a little

crazy. He's a little wild. He likes to

watch his full mastiffs. Attack the

sl*ves sometimes while Whitney rubs cocoa

butter on him. So we do have a

code phrase. You just say Houston, we

have a problem and our team rushes in

and our team will take them down with

tranquilizers or whatever need be,

depending upon the situation. But I

really think you're perfect for this.

What's the prize money?The prize money

is $5000, so it's going to be wonderful.

Why don't you make it 10?Right now it's

at 5. Okay. I look

so forward to meeting you and ordering

you around. Okay, thank you.

Goodbye.

Hello?Hi, my name's Hadassah. I'm calling

for Nancy. Lost, um, a wallet.

Is it, uh, brown with kind of a hunter

green flap on it?A hunter green, like a

clasp that's green?Yeah. Yeah.

Oh boy. Does it have any of my ID in it?

It would have my ID in it. What's What's

your last name?It would be Richmond.

Yeah, Yeah Nancy Richmond.

Oh my God, did you find this?Are you

serious?Honest to God. What's What's your

weight?Uh,

I can't believe you found this. It's 120?

Well, it says 120, but it's definitely

not, if I can tell by your face, it looks

more like 135. Well, then that would

probably be mine.

Well, all I have to go on here is a

license that says Nancy Richmond brown

wallet with a green clasp. I mean, that's

all that you have in common with this

wallet. I

don't know. I think I'm just going to

keep it. The wallet?

I don't know. Spell Nancy Richmond.

Well...

Yeah, okay. That's what I thought. I

think I'll hold on to it. Well, it's...

Because at this point, it's like

sentimental value to me, so... Well,

my... this is what I don't understand. My

wallet's become sentimental value for you?

Yes. Why would that be if it's my wallet?

Because I found it two months ago,

Nancy. Uh-huhAnd ever

since, I've spent every day with it. And

if it was yours, maybe you didn't even

deserve it in the first place.

You clearly didn't love that wallet.

Well, I mean, the person who stole my

wallet. Hearing your voice talking to you

now, it ran away. What ran

away?Wally. I'm sorry, excuse

me?I call it Wally. Yeah,

I don't know if you're a scam artist or

what you're trying to pull, but I'm gonna

turn your number over to the police, so.

The police can't make that wallet love

you, Nancy. No, I think you're trying to

pull something that's... That's not

right. I think you are. I think you

are, Nancy. Look

into your baby's eyes. See that

love. That's what I feel when I

look at Wally. Then maybe you should

keep Wally if it makes you feel that

comfortable. And obviously you have some

kind of psycho problem, so. Thank you.

Yeah. Thank you. Bye.

Nancy, thank you. I needed that.

Wally... It's

okay, Wally.

Mama! Uh

May I help you?Is there motel?Yes,

it is. I want to rent one of your rooms

from you. OK, for what night?

All night, but in January.

OK, the rate for each night would

be 7995 plus

tax. And what kind of tax on that?



about $45.00 here.





OK, I never stayed in a motel before.

I see. I normally stay with

my grandson, but I can't stay with

him because he's got his g*y boyfriend

staying over. I see. And I don't want to

stay in there because I don't want

anything to happen. I see. What's your

name, darling?All

right, you sound like a nice lady. I'm

going to come down there and stay with

you. Okay, sure. Do you

have the movies on the TV there?

We have one premium channel, which is an

HBO channel. Do you have the movies

with the people making love to each other?

We don't have any pornographical sites.

You don't have the channels with the the

black fellas making love to the white

ladies?Uh, no, we don't.

How much is that?We don't have any

channels like that, Sir. I meant to get a

black fella to make love to a white lady.

I wouldn't know. I'm going to bring

a bag with my clothes in it. Uh,

but I'm going to bring my toothbrush.

OK, Sir, now I need your name. My name's

Elma. OK. ELME.

Hold

on. I got to have a coffin fit.

Ah, OK. And your last name?Let me give

him my middle name first. Oh, we don't

exactly need your middle name. OK, but

I'm proud of it. Oh, sure. It's my

grandfather's name. My

middle name's Mcnoodle.

I see

MCN Oodle.

My last name is Higgins. Like the

old ball player, right?

Lumpy Higgins. I see.

Hit 345 in 1927 with

one arm. Interesting. Can I have your

credit card number, please?Yes. I

don't have a credit card, though. Oh,

well, I have an AARP card for you.

Let me read you the numbers. No. Hello,

Sir.



toilets in the room?'Cause I gotta take a

crap. Okay. All right. I'll

see you then, sweet nuggets.

Hello. Hello, Warren.

Yes. Yes, Warren, this is Crazy

Yitzek. You called me about plasma

TV. OK, uh, how

much?Yeah, 50 inch

plasma TV. Warren, I am insane. I

give you want to pay 200. I make you pay.

You know what?You pay 100. I like you. So

what can I pick you up?You tell me I'm

here. I'm crazy. Birds are scratching at

my eyes. Where are you located at?

I am down in Yonkers. I'm bonkers in

Yonkers. Where are you located in Yonkers?

Come on down. I'm in your. I live under

bridge. I'm like the three Billy Goat

Gruff. Like the troll. I'm crazy. Say a

password. Central Ave. You know it.

Central Ave. But I am everywhere. I

am crazy. I have mental problems. I am

talking to my sofa right now. I see.

I see. OK. You understand this?OK, So

what about tomorrow?I have three baby

crocodiles. You take care of them. I

throw in plasma TV for free.

That's OK. You keep the crocodile.

Mr. McCall, So what's the best time to

call you tomorrow?The best time to call

me is between the hours of seven and

lips. I'm crazy. That did not

make any sense. Tomorrow's no good. How

about yesterday?I sell you Thai wh*re

and 10 kittens. Thai wh*re

No credit, no money, no problem. You pay

with sand, but you must take crocodiles.

I am adamant on this. I like to look at

pictures of myself from behind. You like

to look at pictures of yourself from

behind. I give you bossy speakers. If you

wax my back, chase away my demons.

I give you cocaine and snowblower.

Bite your scrotum for a nickel. I'm

nuts. Yeah, buddy, I can't believe that.

Oh, man, I'm king of plasmas. You be

my queen. We have ceremony. We have

coronation. We invite the president. I

have speakers, ice cream cones and p*nis

cream all together in package.

I ain't nobody's queen there, buddy. CD

changer. I have babies. I have

ladies. I have movies about how

to make my cousin scream.

Instructional video about how to make my

cousin move out. Scream. Wonderful film.

All right, I'm gonna. I'm gonna call you

back, OK?You call me back. I call you

back. We all dance and sing and scream.

We're crazy. I'm king of plasmas. I love

you. All right.

I just saw the TV to myself. You can't

have it. I'm nuts.

This is Johnny. How can I help you?

Light force blowing my

mind. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm calling about

my band's instant. I'm calling to check

up on it. Make sure everything's cool.

Make sure we got the space to rock. OK,

what can I do for you?Isn't that enough?

I'm coming to rock. OK, so you're just

wondering, like, if you're in a computer

and exactly. I want to make sure that

there's a cold cut plate there with no

olive loaf that we got the

Hennessy and three boxes of

contraceptive sponges. I think that

there's some miscommunication here

because I'm not sure exactly what you're

asking from me. We are coming in to

play music in your store, apparently.

Oh, really?An in-store. When's this

supposed to be happening?They're telling

me late April, but it's not. Don't worry

that it's not full on electronic rock.

It's just going to be a couple of

Ibanez's and some drop detuning and some

cool beer. OK, OK, we sort of sound like

early Creed meets puddle and mud meets

middle Creed. OK, sure. Emo

death, Christian country rock. OK, 'cause

nobody's discussed. I'm the store

manager, actually. Nobody's discussed any

of this with me. If we're not there, you

are going to have an emo Christian riot

on your hands. Well, I certainly hope

that that doesn't happen. The devil's

blood will be spilled. OK, That is a

problem. That would be a huge problem.

This is tricky. What are you doing next

weekend?Maybe I could fly out here in my

jet and we could talk about this. Do you

have a boyfriend?I do. Yeah. What does he

do?Is he a rock star?No, he's not a rock

star. Can he sing?Yeah, he can.

Then why isn't he a rock star?I don't

know. Because he can't sing. OK, listen

up here. I have a store that I have to

run now, so I'm a

small riot. And if we

don't get new couch with sick and

sponges, love is gonna be a bloody

tame 'cause I love you. I know you

got a boyfriend who sings to you, but

you'll be all over me.

After you hear our sound.

Wow. That was really super

impressive. I know. I knowIt's

not. It's not a wonder that you're a rock

star. I rock too hard sometimes. The

Lord is our shepherd and Satan is our

pilot. Wow.

I'm going down in flames. Are we all

finished up here?My daddy was a

Presbyterian minister.

Sometimes the look in my eyes is

sinister. Have you been drinking?

A little. OK, I have to

go now. Don't get too attached.

OK. I leave a lot of broken hearts. I

will really, you know, I'll try not to do

that. All right. OK. It was

nice talking to you. What?I said it was

nice talking to you. It was nice talking

to you. OK. I love you. Bye.

Fire, dragon

Come back, you love me I got a fire

in my eye Yeah, a fire, a fire, a

fire A fire, a fire, a fire I

praise God, I thank the devil for

love I've jammered night

Yeah! A fire! A fire! A fire!

A fire! A fire! A fire! I

praise God! I thank the devil for love...

I'm Jabber Knight!