03x14 - Tracy Morgan & Jimmy Kimmel

[bunniefuu]

Hey yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS's.

Tonight on Crank Gankers, Jonathan

Kimmel, Tracy Morgan, Lisa

Kushel, Jimmy Kimmel,

Bob Odenkirk. Tony Barbieri

and Adam Corolla. No babies in the

back door. God knows I've

tried.

Come one, come all 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers!

Thank you for calling CY Industries. For

English, say or press 1.

Please say your name now so our operator

can further assist you. Alan

Brooks. I'm sorry,

I couldn't understand. Please say your

name again more clearly.

Alan Brooks.

I'm sorry, I'm still having trouble. If

you are speaking with marbles in your

mouth, please remove them and state your

name again. Allen

Brooks. Thank you, Talon

Hooks. Brooks. If you are calling

about our wanted, press 1. If you're

calling about our job sifting through

excrement, press 2. If you are calling

to enroll in our daycare program, press



I would like to. I'm applying for the job

when the labor is wanted. Oh, the labor

is wanted. OK, well, this is excrement

filtering. So this

is excrement filtering, but I know you

have to go back through the menu and

press the right buttons. I'll put you

right through. Thank you. I appreciate

that. No problem. Thank you for

calling CY Industries. For English, say

or press one. For Mandarin Chinese,

say or press 2.

If you have reached this recording in

error, say or press oops.

Oops. Thank you for

calling CY Industries. For English, press



sorry, I couldn't understand. Please

press the number again.

If you are calling about our wanted,

press 1. If you are calling about eating

diapers, press 2.

You have reached eating diapers. Eating

diapers. Hi, Hi how can I help you?Yes,

I think that your system is kind of

messed because I pressed one for the help

wanted and it's talking about eating

diapers. No, the help wanted is one, but

this is, you must have pressed three

because this is eating diapers. I'll

put you right through. I'm sorry, Sir.

No, no, noMy mistake. Thank you. Thank

you for calling CY Industries. For

ancient Mesopotamian, press 1. For a

Southern accent, press 2.

Oops. Oops.

Thank you for calling CY Industries. For

English, press 1. For the language of

clicks and pops used by the Ubuntu

Pygmies, press 2.

Curtis Bonding. Is this the bondsman?This

is Curtis Bonding. OK, my name is Spooney

Love. And I was wondering,

would it be all right for me to drop by

and drop off a deposit?Because I'm going

to a party tonight and I know I'm going

to get arrested. We don't do that. We

don't. We don't do stuff like that. I'm

going to go out. I don't know what's

going to happen. Yeah. I drink a lot.

I get very belligerent. Yeah. Just call

us. Call. Call a bonding company. We

don't. We don't take deposits like that.

Got a bag of money. And I do want you to

hook me up, man. No, I don't take

people's money like that. If you're in

jail, then we'll we'll arrange to get you

out. Hey, hey, you know, do the right

thing here, baby. Do the right thing

here, baby. Yeah. Don't treat me like

this. Well, I treat everybody like this.

Well, I got 1 foot in the man's jail

already and the other one is on a banana

peel. Just call me. If you're laying

there, just call me somebody. Somebody

come down and pay you. You know what?You

probably saw me on TV. I

was on cops season 135 and six. Oh,

I see a lot of them. I see guys, my

clients on them all the time. You you

won't be the first one. So could you do

me a favour?What's that?Could you at

least come out and feed my cats?

I can't do none of that. Come on, hook a

brother up, man. Stop playing. You can't.

One name is Buffy. One name is Buffy. One

name is Snowball. Yeah, well, I'm sorry

about Snowball and Puffy. I'm sorry

about that. Why punish the cats?Just just

call. Why?Why are you punishing the cats?

I'm not a cat watcher. All right, listen,

I just need you to do me one favor. You

tell the cops you planted a bag of weed

on me. Not me. Could I ask you a

question?Yeah. How much bail

for the average of soap charge?You won't

have a bail. You have to see a judge. How

about public side of me?You won't have a

bar. What's wrong with me tearing up a

little assThat's on you. What's your

name?Bill. Bill, why don't you come out

with me tonight?You

count the money. You count the money

while we driving over to get the assI

ain't destitute for

money like that, man. Hey. I turn

b*tches out. I'm spoon love from

up above. So I'm going to bring the two

cats with me. We going to come pick you

up. We going to go over. We going to go

over Susie's house. I got another call I

got. I got. Hey, Bill. Bill, Bill, Bill,

Bill, Bill. I got to go. How much bill

for getting a BJ from a transsexual?I

have no idea. How much for your

wife?

Booney Love was found guilty of four

counts of wiggling his tongue through his

fingers at an undercover female officer.

Yes. Hi. Who am I speaking to?Clint.

Oh, Clint, good. You're just the man I'm

looking for. I am calling from

Anonymous News. We

are a company that people call about

their co-workers. They have something to

tell you that they're a little, it's a

little too awkward to talk to you about.

OK. They wanted you

to know that they're having a little

problem with your breath. My breath.

Yeah. OK. They said all

of a sudden in the last couple weeks,

it's almost like you've never used a

toothbrush. Are you serious?Yeah.

They also say that there's a lot of times

a day where they look over and you're

holding your crotch. What?Yeah,

OK. No, not

at all. OK, well, because

I was thinking maybe that's where the

smell was coming from too. I what is a

what?Yeah, I have

never heard of that. This is crazy. Yeah,

that that's why they call us. You

apparently aren't shy about digging

around in your nose. OK. Is there a

complaint?That that you would like to

maybe register with me about one of them

because we do offer that as a free

service. They're all good. I've never

heard this before. OK. So you have

nothing bad to say about any of them?No.

And actually that was another one of

their complaints. They said that you let

people walk all over you. OK.

I feel I'm a pretty hard guy. I

mean, maybe that's why your hand's

constantly in your crotch. No, no, no,

no, not like that. Oh, you didn't mean it

that way. No. OK. Are you somewhere where

you could kind of breathe into your hand

or or lick your finger and smell it?

No, I'm good right now. I don't want to

do that right now. OK, so if you smell

the receiver right now, it doesn't smell

like assWhat?

This is not right. OK, All right.

So listen, I'm going to one

of our services is that I will call you

back in three weeks and find out if

you've fixed any of these problems. Yeah,

you can do that. OK. And then OK, I will

call you back in three weeks. OK. All

right. Toodle poopy breath. Bye.

in the paper?The personal assistant?What

nationality are you?

Italian. Are you in the mafia?

No. What are you doing in your life?

Right now, nothing. Do you know how to

make poached eggs with raisins?

No, I don't. I'll show you if you seem

like you got potential. Okay.

Are you a good washer?

Washing of what?Washing me

to my body. Ah, no, not at all.

I don't have experience in that area. I

need you to take my wife ballroom dancing

twice a week and pretend to be me.

OK. What do you want to do with your life?

Because I can teach you things. Like what

kind of things?Like about life and about

how to go about it. Excuse me.

And about your health. OK. I

never been at a doctor in my life. I'm



hard life. I've made love to thousands of

women. Okay. And we didn't

use protection in them days. You know

what we did?What'd you do?We prayed to

the Lord Jesus that he wouldn't bring us

a baby. What do you

want to be when you get older?Your

personal assistant. That's a good answer.

I like that. And I need you to

rub my belly after I eat. How

much you paying me?It's $50.00 an

hour. OK. When do you want me to

come?I want you to come to my house

tonight at midnight. OK. I would like you

to bring me a box of Cheerios,

large size. I'd like you to bring me a

bowl. I'd like you to bring me a

spoon. And I would like you to bring me

the largest container of raisins that you

can muster. OK.

I would also like you to bring me a black

lady. What about your wife?She don't

care. Listen, you don't worry about that.

That's why I send you out dancing. OK.

And don't wear a shirt. Don't wear a

shirt. That's right. Get

over here right now, because I'm going to

work you like an animal. Oh, that's not

good. All right, then. What's

your name again?You could just call me

Master. Goodbye.

Thank you for calling. This is how may I

help you?Hi, this is Rob Teppert from the

Bureau of Monuments. Uh huhHello.

HelloHow are you?Good. I'm

calling to notify you and I'm going to

call each of the business owners on

Garden St. about a monument that's going

up in about a month and a half. Oh, it's

a 12 foot. High statue

to commemorate the recent military

victory in Iraq. It's about four feet

wide by 5 feet long. It's donated from

the US Army. It's actually confiscated

from Baghdad. And the statue

is S*ddam Hussein with a salute. And at

the base it says the great leader. But

that's in Arabic. OK, yeah. Some people

may think erecting a statue of him is

wrong, but you're not. You're not

in that camp, I suppose. I mean, you

know, I'm not really that political of a

person, so it doesn't really bother me.

So I'm going to say S*ddam Hussein, OK,

and proud to

have him in.

I mean, I wouldn't even say all. I

wouldn't say that at all. I'd just say

that I'm kind of, I could go either way

and it's like, doesn't really affect me.

Doesn't mind S*ddam Hussein

and his

crimes against.

No, I'm not saying that either. Well,

that that's the main issue I think

most people take with him. But if you're

empathetic towards towards

suffering of

populace, I wouldn't

say that either. I mean, I'm not saying

these things. You're writing it down.

Kurdish m*ssacre.

What are you talking about?OK

with No, I'm not. I'm not OK with. I

don't even know who you are. OK, so.

Hello. Bonjour! This is

Etienne, the front desk concierge,

calling from the front desk. Yes. Is this

Miss Robinson?It is. I hate to disturb

you. We are having a slight problem in

the hotel. One of the guests

in the adjoining room, he has

lost his pet. He sees a,

how you say, a ferret?Oui?You

know of what I speak?Yes. There's a

concern that perhapsThe animal

has become inside the air

vents. I'm doing a presentation soon. I'm

speaking to a group and I'm getting

ready. So what do you want me to do?I

understand. This will only take a moment.

As there's an air vent in the bathroom,

if you can just to peer

in there to see if there's any clue, if

you hear any scratching sounds in there.

Okay. Where's the vent?In my bedroom?This

will make for a good story for the

presentation. Where is the vent?Can the

phone reach into the bathroom or no?Yeah,

I'm in the bathroom. OK. There's no vent

in here except on the ceiling, and

there's nothing-- I don't see anything.

This is-- just listen for a moment to

see if we hear any scratching sounds.

OK.

Silent. Uh Can you

make like a kissy sound?He says he

responds to like a kissing sound.

His name is Sunshine, please. Okay, I

will call you if I hear anything. Madam,

please, this will only take a moment.

Please, only a moment of your time. This

is a beloved pet. I have done this. I

don't know what else I can do. Call out

Sunshine, will you please call out

Sunshine?Bye, Sunshine. Once more.

Sunshine. Nothing. Nothing

Just get to the bottom line. What are you

talking about?This is not a ferret, it is

not a ferret, it is a rat. It's a rat,

okay?Is there one in my room?We believe

that your room was the passageway that

your room may be infested with rodents.

Oh, that's wonderful. OK, so what do you

want me to do now?I will just recommend

that you close your luggage and you wear

socks when you walk around the room

because they bite. If you give me 10

minutes to get dressed, you can come in

the room. But I'm not ready yet and I'm

under pressure. Mrs. Robinson. Yes. Are

you trying to seduce me?Would you let me

get ready, please, and get some clothing

on?I will be there a medium hour to help

you.

Poo-poo-pa-pew, Mrs. Robinson.

Ohh

Hello. HelloWhat's your name?

Katie. Got a niece named Katie. I was

just calling about the babysitting

position. And can I ask a question

about it?Is it like a long term, short

term, just for one day, for a week or a

month?This is a long term job

opportunity. I'll explain my

situation. My name is Burcham.

I'm out during the day. My wife

is a stay-at-home mom, but she

can't get out of bed because

she's morbidly obese.

So it's important to have somebody around

the house take care of the kids, seeing

as how mom can't. Sure.

And that's where you come in, Katie.

Uh-huhYou have any experience with kids?

Yes, I do. I was an experienced

babysitter. You are my babysit family.

Yes. And family friends. You

have kids of your own?No, I do not. All

right. I'm 19 years old. 19.

All right. All right

Too young to have kids. Yep.

Smart. Very responsible. Yes,

I try to be. Well, you got to use that

birth control. Yep. Yep

You IUD Norplant. What do you use?Well,

that's none of your business, really.

Well, I'm making it my business. Well, I

I would rather not answer. And if it's if

it's depending on the job, then I won't

take it. You use the sponge, huhNo.

Pull out. I'm not.

Pull out. That's yes. I hope you

please forget my phone number. You back

door. You back door gal. No babies in the

back door. I'll tell you that. God knows

I've tried. I'm going to report you to

the police, you disgusting. Hey, how

dare you, ma'am.