03x12 - Drew Carey & Jeff Goldblum

[bunniefuu]

Hey yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS's.

Tonight on Crank Gankers. Jim Florentine,

Fred Stoller, Jimmy Kimmel, Seth

McFarland, Kevin Kimball. Reed

Agnew and Tracy Morgan as

Spoon in Love. Do you do you sell

roast beef curtains

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and I'll

never know if you're deranged.

But it doesn't really matter No, it

doesn't really matter

'Cause we'll all be doubled over with

laughter at the expense of others Maybe

even your mother wants to join the Crank

Yeagers tonight Crank Yeagers!

I'll call anonymous. I'm Ed, and I'm an

alcoholic. Yes, sir. Yay!

Is this AA?It is. Yay!

AA! What can I do for you, Ed?

I need help. OK. Yay!

Yay! This is AA! Yay!

Step one, right?You put your left foot

in. Yay! I believe that's the

hokey-pokey, Ed. Step two. You

take your left foot out. This is

definitely the Hokey Pokey. I got sippy

drinks. I hid them under the bed.

Step 5. Folding the eggs.

Folding the eggs. Tastes

great. You go.

Tastes great. Oh, the old

commercial. Yeah. Tastes great.

There you go. Come on, you go, lady.

Tastes great. Less filling. Tastes great!

Less filling. Tastes great! Less filling.

I said tastes great! Less filling. Less

filling. Tastes great.

What's your poison, lady?Well, as long as

it had alcohol in it, I didn't care. Did

you ever kiss a man?

I don't remember a lot of the things I

did when I was drunk. Do you think you

kissed a man?I don't think so.

Yes, you did. Did you kiss

a man?Yes, I did.

h*m* h*m* h*m*

h*m* All

right, here we go. I'm an alcoholic.

Yep. But I'm not a h*m*

Good. Did he taste great or

was he less filling?Ah

Got another line going at it. I'm gonna

have to run. No, don't go. But take care

of yourself. I'm making my pants

sometimes.

Hello. Yes, hi. I

want to get some information. I got a few

questions. My wife wants me to be more

involved and find some stuff out for her.

And she's busy. She wants me to get

breastfeeding information. Oh, OK.

Is it true a woman's breasts get larger

when they breastfeed?And how much larger?

This happens with all women, whether they

breastfeed or not, because the breasts

prepare themselves for breastfeeding.

What's the part of the breasts where the

milk comes out of?Well, there's sinuses

and ducts inside the breasts. Sinuses

and ducts?Yes. Doesn't sound like fun.

Excuse me?Where does it come out?And then

it comes out through openings in the

nippleOh, yeah. Nipple

So Rudy, has your wife had the baby or is

she due to have the baby or?n*pples

I don't quite understand your question.

Do the n*pples get harder when the baby

sucks more?No. The

baby's latching onto the breast tissue,

not the nippleNipple

So they're actually taking the part where

the areola is. The n*pples

Yeah, and the baby has to open his mouth

wide. take it in because the the ducts

are underneath. NipplesNo.

All right, there's no, there's no wife. I

just wanted to hear some free stuff about

nipplesYou're a prank call. No,

I'm lonely. Sorry. Well, maybe if you go

out and find yourself a woman. Nipple

Okay, you have a nice day. I have to go

now. Thank you.

Now that's good, titty

Thank you for calling Georgia Square

Mall. A great stopping place. Hello,

this mall. Uh-huhI want

to make a complaint. OK,

this morning. I was walking in

the mall. Uh-huh

Minding my own business

with my wife and a few of

her friends, who I don't care for.

Uh-huhAnd these young punks

come walking by and

they bump us.

OK. We back where you got

so far, 'cause I forgot where I was.

You were walking in the mall this

morning with your wife and some of her

friends and my friends that I don't

care for, that you don't care for. And

some young kids bumped you

and one of them was a color

kid who was wearing the hat.

The other one was also a

color kid and he was wearing

those portable speakers attached to his

ears. OK. Tell me what you

got that I don't remember. I'm an old

man. You got bumped and...

Who did?The kids in the mall. And what

they look like?One was wearing a hat and

one was wearing ear... head...

headphones. And what else did you

miss?And they

were, um, black kids. They were

college kids. I'm not sure what

color though. OK. Now,

I'm laying on the ground with my wife.

Okay. I get knocked over,

and my wife gets knocked over,

and her friends get knocked over, but

I could care less about them to hell with

them. Well, I'm I'm really

sorry. Are you writing this down?I'm

trying to file a complaint here. Okay.

But it's time for my shift to be over,

so... I'm laying on the

ground with my wife and a

Vietnamese lady comes over to

us and she starts helping

us. Nice lady.

And I start, I start

looking up her skirt and she

gets mad at me even though she's

standing over me and she

smacks me one across my face.

She smacks you. She hit me

hard. I'm really about to get off. I

have everything. But tell me what you

got, because I lost my place when you

asked me the question. You were laying

down on the ground and you looked up the

woman's skirt and she smacked you. That's

right. She smacked me so hard my

dentist came out. I want to know

if anybody turned in any teeth today.

No, Sir. OK.

What's your name, darling?Christy.

Christy, you've been very helpful to me.

All right. I'm glad. And the next time I

come into that mall, I want to meet

you. OK. And we can Make Love.

Probably not. And could you tell the

manager of the mall to quit letting curly

kids and Vietnamese in there?No,

Sir. Well, just mention it if you would.

OK. Thank you, darling. OK.

OK, then. Good night. Bye.

Jake Steiner. Yes. Hi. Do you take

reservations?We don't need them,

but if you'd like to make them, you can.

That would be wonderful. My name is Jeff

Emmerich. I'd like to make a reservation

for two at 8:00. OK. That's right. Two at



thinking. Isn't that a little

presumptuous?No. Let me let you in on a

little secret. OK. Presumption creates

certainty. Does that make sense?Yes,

#2. I'd like to have a table next to a

window. OK. Do you have windows?We do.

Fantastic. We're halfway there. OK, Step

three, I will pre-order so that the food

is ready when I arrive with my date. OK.

Preparation is the key to relaxation and

to the foundation of success. What's your

name?Kayla. Kayla. What have you learned

so far?That you need to be presumptuous

and know what you're doing ahead of time.

We're already halfway there. There are

three keys to my having a good time at

your establishment. Confidence.

Self-reliance and positive thinking. We

don't say don't, and we can't say can't.

Six months ago I couldn't afford to eat

there, but I found a system that has made

me rich beyond my wildest dreams. Are you

familiar with the triangle of totality?

No. Need and ability are the

cornerstones. At the peak is opportunity.

And inside the triangle, do you know what

there is?No. No, noWrong.

That's way wrong. Anyway, about the

table. OK, the table. Yes. Oh, I'm

sorry. I couldn't hear what you said

there. I was distracted by another sound.

Do you know what it was?No. It was the

sound of your vast inner potential

struggling to get out.

OK. You see, now you're talking now with

what I call your outer voice. Forget your

outer voice. Forget your inner voice too.

You want to listen to the third voice, or

as I like to call it, me.

I'm listening. A lot of Mater D's I speak

to tell me the same thing. We don't have

a table for that time. And I tell them

this, it's not too late to change that.

Well, we do have a table. I tell you

what, let's start this conversation over.

Only this time, when you pick up the

phone, remember that only you are in

control of your own destiny. You are

untapped energy. You are a successful

person. Or at least you could be.

Are you still there?I'm still here. Good.

Let's do a visualization exercise. close

your.

Jake Benner. Yes, you just hung up on

me, and that's good. You are in control

of your own destiny.

Hello?I read your ad in your class

about us. Oh, you sound perfect.

Where are you from?Uh, Hawaii.

Oh, aloha. Would you

like a Hawaiian punch?Oh, yeah, I like

that. In the face?Yeah.

I'd like to light you on fire. Would that

be okay?Yeah. Yeah

You're very weak-minded. That's what I

like about you. Oh, yeah. Thank you very

much. You're very dumb, aren't you?

Be honest. Yeah. What's your

IQ?IQ. Can you spell

IQ?What does it mean, like

you?You know what you remind me of?A

melon that had everything scooped out of

the inside. Yeah, what's your phone

number?You called it, didn't you?All

right, okay. Do you have a

girlfriend?No, I'm looking

for a girlfriend. You're gonna have to

find somebody very dumb. I like the

white, like, blonde

hair, like you. Yeah, that's good. How's

your hair, is blonde?No, I'm I'm a boy. I

think you're a girl. You have to have a

brain to think. Can you spell the word

brain?I'll spot you the B.

B-R-I-A-M.

Oh, ohh no. Okay, I'm down.

Think with your Brian. Brian.

Brian isn't here. All right.

And they say what?HuhAn

idiot says what?What

Hello?Yes, good afternoon. My

name is Yvonne Barney. I'm calling the

reference to the ad in the paper this

afternoon about telemarketed wanted.

Oh, great, great. Do you have any

telemarketing experience?No, I

have customer service experience. OK,

that's good. That's a good start. What we

do here is a little bit different though.

Our angle is that we sort of prey on the

sympathies of our customers. We will have

our telemarketers speak in a stutter or

some other. Device that makes them

feel sorry for us so that they buy more

products. No, you play the game. You have

to play a game. I understand. Can you do

a stutter for me?Yeah.

Good, good, goodThat was great. OK, let's

do a quick role play. I'm going to be the

customer and you're going to give me a

sales pitch, but you're going to do it

with a stutter. All right, Yvonne, you're

trying to sell me Bibles. Bibles.

OK, ready. I'll start. Hello. Who's this?

Yes.

My name is

Miss Barney, and I'm calling from

the God Creation Bible Company.

Do you believe in God?Of

course there is a God.

Why would God give you a stutter?

Well, God had different things

for different people, and I guess. My

God, Yvonne, you're a natural. Let's

get a little more advanced now. Can you

give me a sickly whisper?Sort of

like you've just had a tracheotomy?

Hello. Listen, lady,

whatever you're selling, I don't need it.

Sir, it's just give me a chance. I know I

have. Hate the bills and everything I

have. I'm selling the Bibles. Do you

believe in God?Bibles?I hate

the Bible. I am 100% Buddhist.

It has to be a

supreme, supreme

being somewhere

or or neither one of us will be

here. Well, I hate the Bible,

but you do have such a sad, sickly

voice, you sort of convinced me. How much

is that piece of crap Bible?

The Bible, the



to tell you, that was phenomenal. The way

you stuck with it when the guy didn't

want to buy the Bible and you totally

brought him around. That's just what

we're looking for. Uh huhOK, Yvonne,

one last thing. We'd like for you to try

doing the voice of someone who's just had

extreme head trauma. Very sad,

slow voice. Just just just short of a

vegetable, basically. OK,

my name is Ivar

Bonnie

and I'm trying to sell you a

Bible. A really, really

good Bible.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yvonne,

you're the Michael Jordan of Slow

Stuttering Halfwits. We'll be in touch

and I'll call you back in a few days, OK?

OKBye. Thou

shalt face

my

wrath.

How can I help you?Yes, I'm a

singer-songwriter, OK?And I'm writing a

song about Peaches, and I just needed

some information about Peaches. OK,

I just want to know, do Peaches grow on

trees or are they like an animal?

They grow on trees. Wow.

Are your Peaches waxed?No. Are they

fuzzy?No. They're really good.

Fresh and sweet. I like when the

Peaches fresh and sweet. Yeah. My name is

Spoon Love from up above from What

about nasty Peaches?Nasty Peaches?

We ain't got no nasty Peaches. Oh, man.

Are your. Oh, wait a minute. So let me

ask you a question. Do you do you

sell roast beef curtainsRoast

beef curtainYeah. What about?

Hold on, hold on. Where is roast beef

curtainWhat?Roast beef curtain

I don't think we sell anything like that.

Do you eat Peaches?Yeah, I love to eat

Peaches too. Yeah, that's good.

It's a really good fruit. Sweet in the

middle, right?RightYou're you're a Peach

baby. I like to taste your nectar.

Excuse me, can my banana get with your

Peaches?

You're gonna have to come in the store

and see. Can I ask you, do they have like

badonkadonk butter?I'm not

sure what this has to do with you. Want

to know stuff about Peaches?So put it

this way. Do you work the bag and the

meat?No, I don't work in the meat

department. You want to talk to somebody

in the meat department?Do you have titty

fruits?No.

What about eggplants?Uh-huhWhat about

sperm plants?All right, I'm gonna hang up

now. Do you work?Do you have?Do you guys

have vag*na berries?Bye. Yeehaw.