03x07 - Bob Odenkirk & Adam Carolla

[bunniefuu]

Hey, yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS.

Tonight on Crank Yankees, Wanda Sykes,

Kevin Nealon, Jimmy Kimmel, Fred

Stoller, Adam Carolla, Jim

Florentine and Jordan Rubin as the

nemesis. Crazy. I'll show you crazy.

Come one, come all 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want and they'll

never know if you're deranged or

what. But it doesn't really matter. No,

it doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll

all be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others. Maybe even your mother

wants to join the Crank Yankers tonight.

Crank Yankers!

Hello. HelloIs this Camille?Yes.

Oh, the charm lady. The etiquette lady.

Who's speaking, please?This is Gladys

Murphy. Camille. Girl, I need some

charm real f*cking fast, boy.

Hook me up, girl. Do I know you?No.

A friend of mine gave me your number. She

said she saw you on TV and and you know

all that sh*t all that good etiquette sh*t

And I need some of that. Girl, I got a

date tonight with this rich, this big old

rich, successful c*ck suckerAnd I I got

to impress him. I can't let this one get

away. You say excuse me. Oh, OK. That's

the first thing, right?When something you

don't talk over people, right?I know that

sh*t right?

Do you want to pay my fees?Of course.

I don't want, you know, ain't nothing for

free. And once I once I get this, get

this rich mother girl. I can pay you all

day. Excuse me. I I don't use that kind

of language. All right. I knew that. My

bad. My bad. So I got. I got to let this

dude know I'm a classy b*tch baby. Hold

on. Hold on. Hold on. I recognize that

you're in need. But I'm I'm

also a professional who works with

corporate clients. OK, well, you know,

OK, give me, just give me a couple tips.

Just give me a couple things. And then so

I can tell you what?What's that?

Gotta clean up your language. What?You

mean like what?Don't don't say ain't and

and double negatives and sh*t like that.

Because I have to set up all the time.

I'm always saying sh*t like, you know,

yeah, but you're talking to me and I

don't teach. I don't teach that kind of

thing, right?So I got to stop all that

shitYou just did it. You did

it again. What?I said ain't. No, you say.

Oh, shitOK, OKThat's not a proper word.

That's not a proper word. That's tip #1.

And #2, when you call someone, you have

to give your name and tell why you're

calling. OK, so I should've. And

#3, you don't just keep talking. Are you

on drugs?No, girl. Well, you

have. I I smoke weed, but I I don't have

nothing right now. Uh-huhI am, you know.

All right. Well, OK. So should I should I

offer him some weed when I see him

tonight?Get him high, then f*ck him and

take his money. Thank you. Thank you. But

I think I have to go now. Bye. Bye. Oh,

don't. Come on, Camille. I need.

Thank you for calling Bob Blue Theatre

Company. This is Soterios. How can I help

you?Hi, Soterios. I'm calling about

lining up some tickets to see your play.

Which day did you want to come?I'd like

to come next week. OK.

I'm coming with a group. OK, 23

tickets. Oh, OK. I'm

coming with my OCD support group. How

long is the play?About an hour and a

half, two hours-ish. That's an even

number. Is there any way they can make it

like 119 minutes or 121 minutes?

I I know it sounds crazy and and but

we're with the OCD group. Obsessive

compulsive disorder. I I figured that.

Excuse me, that would be we don't, as you

can imagine, get out much. OK, now let's

just talk about the characters in the

play. Are there's none named Colin, are

there?No. OK, because that would send us

to the roof. OK. And what about every

time a character says no, we've got a guy

that stands up and spins around?No,

I'm sure no is mentioned in the play

every now and then. And he could spin in

the aisle. Yes, he could.

OK, Now, is it a problem that Bruce

screams astronaut when he ever sees a man

with a crew cut?If it. It turns out that

it will disrupt the rest of the

performance. The house manager might ask

him to leave, right?RightOh, I

understand. OK. Is it possible that the

group can watch the actors wash their

feet after the play?No. OK.

Because the group will bring a tub if

necessary. It's like a little wash tub.

No, that won't be necessary. They'll wash

their feet when they get home. OK, All

right. And then. And then one last thing.

At the end of the play, they can't bow at

the end because George will freak out and

throw a shoe at the stage. That's an

onstanding tradition that we have at not

only this theater, but every theater that

the characters do and dean eat about at

the end of the play. OK, maybe they could

just sit at the end. No, that they cannot

do. Or do a frog stand. No, I apologize.

No. OK, All right, great. And what is

your name again?Saterios. Would you be

able to change that to Neil?I will not

change my name. What if?What if we threw

an extra 20 bucks in?No, I won't.



won't change my name. OK. OK

God, you're very, you've been very

helpful. Well, thank you. Nepalopitis.

No. OK. Starting off with us. Do

you take Discover?No, we don't. We only

take Visa and MasterCard. Oh,

I'm sorry then. Well, thank you for your

help anyway. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Hello movies. Ah, this is the Movie

Renter. Yeah?I'm

trying to figure out the name of a movie.

Okay. Uh, do you know what it's about?

A Lady and a Man. And

it's a love story.

She's got dark hair. I have

no idea what it would be called. This

lady, this fella, they live in an

apartment. I don't know what town.

But he comes over to her

apartment and they start taking off

their clothes and making love

to each other. Then this black fella

comes in. And he starts

making love to her in the behind. And

then they goes on to another thing.

She's sitting at the table with her

girlfriend and they start making love to

one another with a vegetable.

No, that doesn't...

Little kids in this film,

they come into contact with an alien.

The alien rides over from the bicycle.

No idea what that would be called. The

government captures the alien

and they ride off in the sky flying on a

bicycle. You mean E.T.?

Yeah, that's the one. And then the black

fella makes love to the

alien in a spaceship.

Okay. What's it called again?

E.T.?How do you spell that?

E.T.?Hold on. Start again.

This is Drew. Yeah, hi. I was in the

store last week and clerics, people were

harassing me, making me feel like I was

stealing and I wasn't. OK, well, what's

your name, Sir?Leon, what exactly was the

situation?I mean, it's why were you

feeling harassed?Maybe because I'm black.

They think we all steal. Like what

was said to you or done to you?I'm a

large man of color, very large.

Intimidating, but I'm a puppy dog, you

know, I'm just, I have the cornrows and

but if a white guy's big, he's a jock, a

guy that goes to Hooters, he's a good old

frat boy. Me, it's menacing, you

know, walking around, I was doing my

boombox,

you know, but I'm not hurting anyone and

and they're just on my tail like, you

know, like mice with cheese. I mean, how

did they look at you?I don't understand.

They follow me so closely. Are you going

to buy that?One said. We know you're

kind. Do you know what this person looked

like that supposedly said this to you?Can

you feel how I feel, by the way?Are you

black?No, I'm not. But can you empathize?

Yes, I can empathize. Definitely. Have

you ever got a shoving match?I probably

got the biggest ears in the world you've

ever seen. If somebody says something to

me like that, I would have been upset and

I would have gone to a manager. So you

have an affinity for what I'm saying. I

feel you. What did the manager look like?

He's a white guy. White guy?Mm-hmmOkay,

did he have blonde hair?I'm trying to

think. I was just fixated on the

whiteness. You were fixated

on the whiteness?Yeah, 'cause it's sort

of new to me. So are you discriminating

against Caucasians?Yeah, but I don't-- I

kind of take offense to that. But we have

a kinship 'cause of the big ears. You're

different. We?No, I don't feel that

that's appropriate. I got a right to be

hostile. If you're gonna be hostile, I

don't. I don't feel as if I need to deal

with you. At least I'm not a big-eared,

white, hunky freak.

Peace Rescue Mission. Mike speaking. How

can I help you?Mike. Yes, howdy

do. Name's Birch. I'm probably heard the

name. Made quite a few

medium to large donations to the

mission over the years and OK,

I'm. Could use a little help.

OK, I'm looking for some bums to come

by the house and help me set up for

Christmas. What I'm looking for

basically is a sort of your able bodied

bum, not your sort of dried up algae bum.

OK, I'm looking for bums that don't have

a lengthly criminal history.

OK, so fairly clean records. Hey, I don't

mind if they did a little shoplifting or

beat their old lady. I'm talking more

putting a shiv in a white guy, that kind

of crime. Let me transfer you to someone

else and they can help you, OK?Can I talk

to one of the hobos?No. What

about a vagrant?I can't allow that.

Not on this phone. Yeah. You have any

drifters or transients there?Let me

transfer you to Chaplain Tony. How about

junkies or runaways?Chaplain Tony.

Chaplain Tony. Yeah. Do you guys rent

bums?Employers come down

here and they, you know, they pick people

up and stuff. So if you want to come down

here, you know, you can come down and if

somebody wants to come and help you, I'm

sure that could probably be arranged. You

guys. So how you guys fix for drifters?

Pretty good crap. Yeah. Yeah, we got

quite a few here. Quite a few drifters.

How about hobos?Yeah. Yeah, we're full

every night. At least 100 boxcar

Johnnies. Yeah. Well, you know, I

me and my wife going out

bum shopping tomorrow, but I just don't

want to k*ll the whole day out looking at

bums. I'd rather narrow it down, do an

advance. She likes to bum shop on the

Internet, but I told her I'm old

fashioned. I like to thump them in

person. You know what I mean?Yeah, Shin.

See how they're doing?Yeah. I'll say. Let

me tell you something. I've been burned a

few times. Wi-Fi. You're on the Internet.

You find a couple of good bums. You have

them come by the house. You see them in

real life. Next thing you know, one of

them's on top of your daughter. The other

one's gotten into your liquor cabinet. I

don't need that to happen again.

Yeah. Is there a bum deposit I got to

leave or?No, Sir, there isn't. All right,

well, just chain them together and I'll

drag them behind the van. OK. All right.

Merry Christmas and a happy chanukah. See

you later. Thanks for calling. Thank you.

Extra, extra. Read all about it. Covalent

bonding with hydroxylide metals at high

temperature related to proton density.

Editorial. Hi, is this...

Yeah. This is Ed. Ed?Is this

Scientific American?Yes, it is.

Yeah, I made a volcano. Yay!

What about it?Yeah, I made a volcano with

baking soda. Will you publish my

findings?What?Will you

publish my findings?No.

Why?

Editorial. Hi, is this?Yes, it is.

My name is Bobby Fletcher. You've talked

to my cousin Ed before. He called about a

volcano. Yes, Sir. And I think

you were pretty rude to him because he's

pretty upset about it. I don't know what

happened. Uh, he was yelling into the

phone. Did you say something mean to him?

No, Sir. This is a highly complex.

Scientific magazine. A volcano with

baking soda is is a very simple high

school project. It's not a simple high

school project. I mean, I just did one

last week myself. I'm out of high school.

He added vinegar to it. I mean, it was a

lot more complex. What?This is a

relatively elementary type of science

project. So you're telling me this

couldn't be in your magazine?No, of

course not. It's a bunch of nerds that

read your magazine anyway. Sir. Perhaps

you can try something else, but no, our

magazine is simply not interested. I

don't understand the problem. We do, we

do articles on quantum physics and high

school, high school level experiments.

I'm sorry, this is a high school level

experiment. It may be in your high school

it was. Sir, no, I'm sorry. You

don't understand how it looks. I mean,

just tell them you will, you know, humor

them.

No, Sir,

please. You got to see how we built it.

You hurt the kids feelings. You know what

I mean?I'm sorry, but I can't help that.

Can I just put him on the phone and could

you just tell him that this isn't your

kind of magazine to do that?Please don't

do that. Let me just. He's right here.

Just just pretend to like it, OK?Sir,

don't do that. He's all upset. Here he

is. Sir.

Hi, Ed. You didn't like my

volcano?I haven't even seen your volcano,

Ed. But you said you wouldn't put it in

your magazine. Why?

I think it's very nice, and I think maybe

your hometown newspaper really should

publish it. No, I work really, really

hard on it. Why won't you at least look

at it?I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ed. It's

really not my business to do this. It's

the best thing I ever made. Yes, Ed,

I'm hearing you. I thought I finally did

something like a big boy. I'll see what I

can do, Ed. You ever taste lava?Not

really, Ed. The lava tastes like sour,

too. Can you put that in the magazine?

It's simply-- it's simply not acceptable

for a magazine, all right?Ah

Uh Uh

Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh

Yay.

Hello. Yes, I'm looking for Lois Lane.

This is she. Well, well, well

We meet at last. I was hoping you might

be able to track down a mutual friend of

ours. What's your name?My

name?Ha! My name is not what's important.

I'm looking for an acquaintance of yours.

Has a cape?An S on his chest?Ring any

bells, Lois?Or ring a ding ding?You're

trying to do what?I'm trying to catch the

Man of Steel, and Man of Steel he

is. He's been causing quite a ruckus at

the League of Extraordinary

Evil Men. I don't know what you're

talking about, do you?Lois, I have it

under good authority that Superman has

been sleeping over at your house and

possibly going to the boneyard with you.

I think you're off your rocker. Did you

or did you not spend last night with the

Man of Steel?You can trust me.

You will be rewarded handsomely by the

organization. What organization are you

talking about?Oh, you know, it's your

standard evil organization dedicated to

the overthrow of goodness, death to

Superman, k*ll all the Jews, blah, blah,

blah. Point being-- I think you're crazy.

Crazy. I'll show you crazy.

Yeah?Please stop hiding him.

Yeah. I've found your weakness, Lois.

You care. And that will be your

undoing. Who are you?Your clever

attempts to entrap me are doomed to

failure. I am the one, the only true

nemesis, and I will not rest my

pernicious powers until that caped clown

has paid the ultimate price for his

meddlesome do-goodery. Go away. Don't

waste your loyalty on him. He's a total

slutDon't kid yourself. He's been tearing

up a*s all over town. I know a man named

General Zod who you should be set up

with, Lois.

So you're on birth control, right?

Oh, .

Hold on. I gotta out. Umm