03x06 - Wanda Sykes & Kevin Nealon

[bunniefuu]

Hey, yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS's.

Tonight on Crank Anchors, David Alan

Grier, Seth MacFarlane, Kevin

Kimmel, Jonathan Kimmel,

Adam Carolla, and Jimmy

Kimmel as Terrence Cathedral.

Ooh, bring the black guys.

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged.

But it doesn't really matter No, it

doesn't really matter

'Cause we'll all be doubled over with

laughter At the expense of others, maybe

even your mother Won't you join the Crank

Yankers tonight?Crank Yankers!

Investigations, Jack. Hey, how you doing?

Uh, my name is Landanius Trufel.

Okay. I was... Playing semi pro

ball a few years back and I believe I

may have a little baby out there. I

may be a baby's daddy. Do you know how to

research that kind of thing?Yes, we do.

How much information do you have on it?

Well, I'll tell you what, I got my

schedule. From the games. And I know

pretty much where I was. I was kind of

well known. The truth. They used to call

me the truth. Yeah, man, I know. Yeah,

you do, right?They do. They say the

truth. The troop is on the field, baby.

The truth don't lie, you know. How you

doing these days?Oh, I'm still truthful.

Yeah. Let me ask you a few

questions. Yeah, go ahead on. All right.

What's the deal with her full name?Do you

know it?I know the girl name was Lawanda.

I know it was Lawanda with two L's

because she had a tattoo. Right above a

tittyIf you don't know her last name,

it's not a chance Finder. If I know a

nickname, would that help?But you're

talking about actual legwork, and it gets

kind of expensive kind of quick. Well,

that's cool, 'cause you know what?I got a

plan man. Maybe we can do something like

a barter thing. You work for me. I can

work for you like I can I can say you

know do some commercial celebrity

endorsement. I write tunes, jingles and

whatnot. So you know I can just bust some

rhymes and and cut some some things you

know like for now what's the what's your

what's your full company name

Investigation. Let me just bust a rhyme

you know let you you know because like

you could we could do some radio spots

something you know a rap hip hop

it's coming around the corner.

Jack all up on the grill.

Who coming around the

corner?

And that's for free. That's that's worth

several dozen dollars, you

know?To do my radio spots. I'm

not going to do any commercials, so I got

to have cash. Well, you know, like I

said, you know, I've done my dirt, man.

You just remembered all that good old.

Oh, man.

I'm trying to do right. Find my kids. I

can't help you. You know, if it was local

here, I might want to do something with

you. I do. There is one. There is one

girl that her name was short stack. She

was a little girl, a little m*dget girl

in ATL. But you don't know. You don't

know a girl named short stack. Call a

Bigfoot. Well, Lester, I need to get back

to this ball game. All right, then. Love

you, man. All right,

then. See you. YMCA.

YMC. This is John. May I help you,

please?Yes. Hi. Oh, excellent. This is

the YMCA. Yes, Sir. My name is d*ck

Rogers. I've done some hard living and

I'm ready to turn my life around. And I

was told that the YMCA could help me out.

We What kind of help do you need, Sir?You

know, I'm realizing now there's more to

life than booze. And I was told that the

YMCA can help me get started. I'm looking

to go straight. You know, we do not have

any type of rehab programs. I'm trying to

change my ways, you know?Just the other

night, me and the boys passed an Oriental

walking down the street and after giving

him a foot sandwich for 5 minutes or so,

I just stopped. My heart's just not in

anymore. I'm ready to go clean. But at

this point, you're looking for actually a

rehab program, if I'm not mistaken then.

Well, listen, the problem is I was, I was

born with a cold heart, you know, I tell

you, it's it's it's a condition. You

know, I tried to, I tried to k*ll a guy

at the bowling alley for bowling at the

same time as me. I used to get all soused

up and wind up staying all night till

midnight, knocking over trash cans,

trampling gardens, stealing pies off of

window sills. And I and I don't want to

be that person anymore. That's not me

anymore. Well, what I would do is I would

get a hold of some of those community

groups because they're the kind that can

use. Well, listen, I mean, I've been

around the block 100 times. You know, I

don't need the soft soap treatment here.

I don't need the rinky-dink here. I mean,

I don't think anybody's trying to

rinky-dink you, but I would imagine you

want to get pointed in the correct

direction. The last guy who tried to help

me go straight, cracked wise, a real

know-it-all, you know, saying the only

thing he knows now is what a dirt pillow

feels like. Yeah, well, that's that's

what I was suggesting because we don't

have any program like that here. Listen,

I feel like I'm swimming upstream here,

pal. Old Johnny's ready to take the

plunge. And I told you how you can go

about doing it. Listen, if you turn me

away, if you turn me away, I swear to

God, I'll go straight back to the Dames

and the hooch. Well, look, you have to

make those decisions. I can't make those

decisions for you. You're making that

decision for me right now by giving me

the old hilly dilly. No, no, I don't give

decisions to anybody, Sir. You make up

your own mind. You can't put that on

anybody else. You're a real Jack dandy,

you know that?Yeah. Well, you're the one

that's gonna make the decision, not me.

God, what I do for a bottle of old crow

right now and a painted up $2.00 floozy.

That's up to you. I've filled a lot of

bellies with lead. I don't want Saint

Peter giving my name the old icksnay.

Well, I've already given you the advice

that I'll give you, and I'm not going to

change that. You gave me doodly squat.

But you make up your own mind. You have

to do the things you need to do. That's

why I'm on the phone with you and you're

giving me the old Ding Dang. Then go on

and fix it in the correct in the correct

way. OK. If the diggity Dang had a clang,

I'd sing giggity, sing. And one more

thing. You have high speed Internet

access to ESL?No. You know, I met a lot

of pepper squatters on my day, but you

take the crumb cake, pal. That's fine.

You have a good evening. Listen,

bluebirds fly, but you're dropping bird

seed, pal. You are dropping bird seed.

But good luck to you, Sir. Goodbye. I

don't want to be a palooka anymore.

ohh

Employment. Hello.

HelloI just saw a

newspaper. You need to hire

find a house getter?Yes, I do. Oh,

you do?Do I... May I speak to

who or who is going to hire people?

I do the hiring and the firing. Yeah.

Now, do you understand what the job is?

Uh, I don't know. You... What do

you want me to do?You would be my

manservant. What?You'd be

doing what I want you to do. Yeah.

When I want you to do it. Yeah. Chop,

chop. Chop, chop. Yeah. Can you

catch a Frisbee in your mouth?

What's your name?My name's Kevin, and

I'll ask the questions. Do I

terrify you?Yeah, I'm afraid that if you

terrify me, I will tit for tat.

You said titI think that you talk.

I talk to the kid. Child.

Yes, I'm 10 years old. Jay, I can tell

you like it. Yes, I'm a millionaire. Oh,

you do?Yeah. Yes, ma'am.

Oh. You will call me Emperor

Kevin. Emperor Kevin, yeah.

And you are my lowly sl*ve.

You need to learn. You need to learn from

me. Can you hold on?I'll put my

father on the phone. Okay.

Hello?Hello This is

Kevin's father. Yes, Yes sir.

Well, you would be Kevin's sl*ve. Yeah,

you change your voice. Kevin, I'm going

to put my son back on the phone. Hello.

HelloSo when

can you start?I guess. I don't know

where you are housed. Listen, Mr.

Miyagi, I'll ask the

questions. Do you have any

idea what's happening right now?Me. Yeah,

I do. No. You just make a. Yes. You make

a fun. A 10 year old is screwing with

you. Yeah, that's got to be

humiliating. You're going to make a great

puppet. Good talking to you,

hot pants. Goodbye. I'm hanging up.

Tiny secret Chinese food ninja.

He'll chop you in the face.

Tiny Chinese not included.

Good afternoon, Reach Fiat Meadowbrook.

This is Jan. May I help you?Jan, I have a

special singing phonogram for you. My

name is Sunny Tanning, and one of the

residents at your establishment purchased

this for you to show their appreciation

for the work you do. Oh, Lord.

Ohh OK. How much

fun are you having?A lot of

fun. Pick it up two notches, and now

we're having a ton of fun. OK.

Here's the song. Jan, you're the

one and only girl that makes me full of

glee and joy. You are the best in the

world. It's true. OK,

thank you. Well, that's not the end of

it. Oh. Oh,

here we go. Your food is so

nice and warm. Much better than the

college dorm. Your smiles are brand new

and like a Christmas toy.

OK, here we go. It's been eight

years since my wife passed. I'm hoping

that I'll die real fast. I need a friend

to share my pain and to rub me

on the shoulders. Oh, they're

fun. You having fun?I am. It's

funny. You're good. Oh, come on. I don't

believe you.

Here we go. Okay, oh, there's more?

Every time you change my pen You are

reminded I'm a man So let's get this

affair going tonight

Oh my God. I might look like an

olden fogey But I've got a foot-long

hoagie And I think you'd like to take a

biteSee what you're

chewing on. Oh,

OK. I like to be

asphyxiated. Any

Any idea?No. I like to have

my p*nis graded.

No?Oh, my god. And if you like it from

behind, I can do it downwind.

Oh, lordy mercy. Do

any of the older fellows have bed sores

and a foot-long hoagie?I mean, maybe

that's... Oh, my God, how funny.

Now tell me who sent it. It was Jeff.

Jeff who?Jeff Richardson. Who's

that?Is this the Springdale

nursing home?No. Oh, mother.

All right. OK, well, thank you. Thank

you.

Who's this?Yeah. Name's

Burcham. I'm a bounty hunter. Oh, hi.

How are you?Good. Looking for some work.

How'd you hear about me?Oh, you know, I

got my ear to the ground. You

got any perps you need brought in?Well, I

just gave some away to a guy the other

day. Yeah. What's his name?Adam.

Adam. What is he, Jewish?

Yeah, he is. You want a baker's dozen of

bagels?You send a Jew out. You want a

perp back?You sent a God-fearing

Christian out. That's just who I am,

ma'am. Nothing against the Jews, but I

don't like them. Didn't see a lot of

them in Nam. Right. Well, I have a

Mexican I've been trying to find. You and

everybody else. Where's this cat?

I don't know for sure. That was a stupid

question, wasn't it?Yeah. He's supposed

to have the purest cocaine on the street.

That's a perp I'd like to take down. You

want him dead or alive?Well,

I be honest. Believe

me, I've been around the block enough to

make it look like he started it. You know

how the wiggle works. No, I don't,

because I'm not a tiny person. I'll take

his a*s right down, right down to

Chinatown. What's the bond for on this

guy?20,000. Look out.

Just a moment. I got a call coming in.

Hang on. 20 grand. All right, buys a hell

of a lot of tequila and huaraches. All

right, I'll hang on. I may catch him

while I'm on hold. Sir.

Mm-hmmWhen I put you on

hold, here's this bounty hunter calling

me that I haven't heard from for months.

What's his name?Lenny.

Lenny. That guy's a p*ssy

Do you know him?I know Lenny's work.

Soft hand. Lenny ain't good for nothing.

No, he's not. He can't even pick up the

Sunday newspaper. He couldn't find a pair

of culottes for her. You

understand?Yeah. You got guys working for

you named Lenny and Adam. No wonder no

one's coming back. What kind of p*ssy

Parents named their kid Adam anyway. He

does a pretty good job. Most of the time.

Adam does. Adam couldn't find his if he

was squatting on a mirror. No, that's not

true. He's pretty tough. Hell of a lot

tougher than that. Nam. Let's take guys

like Adam. Chew him up. Make boot Polish

out of him. Oh yeah. What's your phone

number?



Tell you that Lenny's on my last nerve

too. 792. Had

a custom Harley Zippo. Lent it

to him to light a Tiparello. That was six

years ago. You know him from way

back?Hell yeah. Lenny and I go back.

Really. You kidding?Eat at

Denny's Lenny. Cheap bastardDo

you know his wife?I don't know why I'm

opening up to you this way, but I I had,

I had my time with Lenny's wife. Sir,

can you see the rest of your phone number?

Because I got to go by the sky. All

right. I'm sorry. I was with her long

before Lenny was, and I don't think Lenny

ever lets me forget it. Can't let go.

She's tight, though. I'll tell you what.

What's the rest of your phone number?OK,



to seats since she's been with Lenny, but

I'll tell you, she was one fine piece of

a*s when I was with her. I'm

gonna hang up on you if you don't give me

your phone number.



pulled a three-way with her with Lenny.

Oh yeah, she went that way. Quit telling

me that stuff. I don't want to hear it.

Are you gonna give her a phone number?

Alas, if we're gonna work together, you

got to know the truth. No. So

Lenny has a erectile difficulties. I'll

try 702.

Hello. Yeah, you saw your movies already.

Do you like the adult movies?

When you get up our age, I think it's

just something to k*ll the time and get

you in the mood. So what you do is

you and your wife sit down and you enjoy

adult videos together. Occasionally,

yeah. You got to kick it up a notch, as

Emeril says, right?Yeah, right. Do you

like any of the wild?Do you like to get

wild a little bit sometimes?Sometimes,

yeah. Every once in a while you like to

mix it up?No, not really. While she's

gone. No, I've got some. I've been. I've

bought some DVDs. Here's what I'd like

you to do. Yeah, not for every day, for

every month. What I would like you to do

is come by here and try some of these

videos out. See if you like them. For

$50.00, I'm not really worried about it.

Oh, you just come by. You sit here. It's

no problem. You sit in the living room.

Watch your You can watch your videos and

I'll just go about my I'll cook you some

eggs or something like that. We'll

drink mimosas. The reason I'm going to be

out running around everything tomorrow

anyway, I got some crews out working a

different job. Tomorrow morning. I want

you to come by the house about 7:30 in

the morning. Bring your crew. Bring the

whole crew. We're going to watch

pornographic videos. I'm going to make

crunch. I'm not doing all that. Do you

like waffles?

I got crews start tomorrow morning at



happy to buy the videos from you. I got

three different crews working. I mean, I

mean, some of them his husband will have

to you, some of them just two black guys

working. Oh, that's cool. Bring the black

guys. Yes. You know, I don't have time

for all that, but I'd be happy to buy the

movies. I've got to build your own

omelette station in my home. Don't worry

about it. Just I would like you to put on

a pair of cutoff shorts and maybe some

topsiders with no socks tomorrow. Come

by here. Forget the cruise. You and I

will watch this thing together. We'll go

through all the videos. We'll have a

marathon. We'll have a marathon of

videos. Now, do you want to sell the

movies or not?I do want to sell the

movies. OK. I also want to be your

friend. OK. So we're going to have to try

to topromise. I cannot be there at 7:30

tomorrow morning. What time can you be

here?At 9:00. OK. I want you to be here

at 9:00, but plan to spend the day. I'm

not. I just got to tell you, I'm not

planning on spending the day. We're going

to be quite a team like Batman and Robin.

We're not going to be no team. Do you?Do

you want to sell the movies tomorrow or

not?I do want to sell the movies

tomorrow, and I want to sell them to you.

Do you have a big truck?Yeah, I got a, I

got a, you know, a Santa Fe. OK, good. Is

there a mattress in the back?No. Hmm

OK. We use blankets. OK. So you call me

at 8:30 in the morning. How do you like

your eggs?I just don't want any eggs. I

tell you, I'm just coming back about a

mood. Butter or margarine?I didn't tell

you, I don't want anything. I'm gonna be

busy. Because personally, I like

margarine better when I smear it all over

myself. You know what I'm saying?Okay.

Stop and pick up some muffins on the way

over. Okay. I'll see you

tomorrow. Yeah, okay. Goodbye.

This show is now

completely over. Time for you to start

getting sober. We all know that you're as

high as a kite. Hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, stop sleeping. Hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, stop sleeping. Hey, you

dirty bum. Get

off of that

couch.

Ohh