03x05 - Jimmy Kimmel & Kevin Nealon

[bunniefuu]

Hey, yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS.

Tonight on Crank Gankers, Jimmy

Gamal, Jim Florentine.

Kevin Nealon, Tony Barbieri,

Sarah Silverman and Jim

Florentine at Special Ed Poop bloats in

space. Do you want to see it?

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yeagers

tonight?

Hello?I saw you added the paper.

You did. Uh.. Can you hold please?Yes,

sir. Okay, I'm back. Now what are you

calling about?I was wondering if you

are still hiring?Yes, we are still

hiring. Are you interested in the job?

Yes, sir. Can you hold please?Yes, sir.

Hold on.

I'm back. Yes, Sir. What were you calling

about?You must be very busy. I am

extremely busy. Yes. Can you hold, please?

Yes, Sir. Hold on.

OK, I'm back. Yes, Sir. OK. What

we're looking for is a holder. Someone to

hold, please for us. Can you

hold, please?Yes, Sir. OK, I'm

back. How many times do you think you'll

be holding?I don't know, Sir. I don't

know either. It'd be fun to find out,

though, right?Can you hold?There must be

a lot of people calling. Would you mind

holding?Actually, there's no one calling.

But can you hold?Yes, Sir.

OK, I'm back. Tell me a little about

yourself. I'm from

Philippines and I

I'm here for 15 years

already. Wonderful. Wonderful. So then

you won't mind holding?Yes. OK, hold,

please.

Who were you holding for?Sir, I don't

understand. I don't understand what's

happening either. I don't know how it's

possible that anyone would go on hold

this many times in a row. I don't care

what country they're from. Can you hold,

please?Yes, Sir. OK.

All right. Tell me about yourself. I'm

going to try my very best, Sir. You're an

excellent holder. Yes, Sir. Can you hold

babies?Yes, Sir. I have no problem

holding them. Oh, will you hold, please?

I'm sorry. I'm going to try not to put

you on hold anymore. It's just a thing

that I like to do because it makes my

friends laugh. You know, it's I got this

new phone and it's got this big red hold

button and it's just so much fun to push.

Sir, it's a lot of holding already. Would

you mind?Would you mind just one more

time holding?OK, Sir. Thank you. Hold,

please.

OK, I'm back. How many times have you

been on hold?So many times already. Well,

how many would you guess it is now?

Uh, sir, I don't know what to talk

anymore, sir. Hold your water. I'll be

right back. Hold on. Hold,

hold, holdy, hold, hold, hold, hold,

hold, hold, hold. Okay?Yes,

sir. I'd like you to hold me when you get

here. Yes, sir. Okay, I think we've

determined that you're a patient woman. I

don't want to...

I'm starting to get tired of it, too. I

really. Yeah. YeahCan you hold one second?

Yeah.

OK. I'm back. Wow. It's something that we

can just keep doing this over and over

again. I just don't know the word to

say. Hold on. Let me look it up. Hold,

please. OK. The word is

exasperated. The word you were looking

for. Exasperated. Could you put me on

hold?Yes, Sir. I'll hold.

Thank you. Who's that in the

background?It's my son,

sir. Tell him I'd like to put him on

hold. He's not in the phone, sir.

Just yell to him that I'd like to put him

on hold. Sir, I don't know if I'm going

to say it. It seems like it's funny. No,

it's not funny. It's not funny at all.

Let's tell him he wants

to put you on hold.

Perfect. Unfortunately, we filled the

job while you were holding. Yes, Sir.

Yes. But you seem very nice. In fact, I'd

go so far as to say you've got a heart of

hold. It's a lot of holding already, Sir.

I know it is a lot of holding. Yeah.

Far more than I ever anticipated. OK.

Would you mind holding for just one more

time?OK, Sir.

Wow. We could do a whole episode with

this one. What?What is this again, Sir?

You don't want to know. You want to know

the better the only you

know. Hold your horses. OK, I'm

back. Oh, he's he's upset right now,

Sir. Because. Yes. Can you ask him to

hold?I gotta go, Sir. Would you

mind holding?No, Sir. Bye. Bye, Sir.

Bye. Bye. OK, I'm back.

Can you hold, please?

Western reference. This is Bobby

Fletcher. Who is this?This is reference.

My name is Isabel. Hi, Isabel. How you

doing?Fine, thank you. Good. I was at

your library yesterday and someone threw

me out and I'm very upset. I I don't know

what you mean. You were thrown out. I was

thrown out of the library. I was trying

to start. I don't know. That's what I'm

calling about. I wasn't doing anything.

Well, Sir, they had to tell you

yesterday. And who was the person that

asked you to leave?I'm not sure. They

didn't give me a name. Oh, was it a man

or a woman?It was a man. And I

wasn't doing anything. We didn't

have a man. Hello. Yeah, we didn't have a

man on duty here last night, Mr.

Fletcher. It wasn't last night. It was

earlier in the day. I'm trying to do a

paper. I had a big exam coming up.

Well, I don't know who it was. I was the

Miller reading a book on manners and I

got thrown out.

You know, I don't understand why. OK,

well, Sir, if you'd like to come in and

speak with our branch manager about that,

but if if you are asked to leave the

library, there's the person when

identified.

We don't randomly ask people to leave the

library. There has to be some purpose for

that. There wasn't. I don't know. I was.

I was just acting. OK, well, Sir, this is

after the fact. You. I know, but I'm

just. I was just acting like I'm acting

right now. I wasn't doing anything. OK,

well, well, Sir, you know,

I was almost at the chapter on bodily

functions, you know, and they threw

me out.

Sir, I suggest you come in and speak with

somebody about that situation. What is

that going to do, though?I don't know.

Perhaps we can find out.

What are the noises that I'm hearing?I

don't know. It's not coming from my end.

OK, well, it certainly isn't coming from

here. I thought you were doing it. So

perhaps you need to come into the library

and discuss that with our branch manager,

Mr. Fletcher. That wasn't you, Burpin?

Sir, I'm going to terminate the

conversation. I saw a teenager

photocopying his nutsack. No one kicked

him out.

Hello. HelloThis is Niles Standish

calling. I'm looking for Ramar Watson.

Yes. You called about my new NBA

franchise. Yes. The Las Vegas

Showman. Yes. I need

good players, but I also need people with

large personalities who can fill an arena

with their smile. Oh, I can do that.

How tall are you?I'm 6 foot. And I weigh



favorite position?Reverse cowgirl

No, the point guard. I like the one. I

like to control the ball. I like to

control the face of the thing. I like to

control the ball as well. I like that.

When you sh**t the ball from the outside,

you snap the wrist, right?Yes. As the

showman, we will snap the wrist and that

snap will turn into jazz hands. Sort of a

Bob Fosse thing. Can you do that?Yes, I

can. Now, the new uniforms for this

franchise are going to be. Out of this

world, sort of belly tea

with a black Derby and cuffs.

The fans will eat it up.

After each basket made, our

team will cheer in unison.

Hurrah, hurrah. What fine

chaps we are. What a g*y. g*y occasion.

One more time and give me some energy,

please, Ramal. Hurrah, hurrah. We're

fine, we are with a g*y occasion.

Two points. It would be fun. It'd be fun

for the kids. Yeah. Now, as far as your

playing skills, can you take it to the

hole?Yes. I want to hear you say, I can

stuff it in the hole. I can stuff it in

the hole. Oh, say it to me again. I can

stuff it in the hole. Now, I'm not

necessarily talking about basketball, per

SE. Our motto is

in the paint, in the paint. We will kick

you in the taint. In the paint, in the

taint. We will kick you in the taint.

Hurrah with the g*y occasion. Hurrah with

the g*y occasion. Stuff it in the hole.

Stuff it in the hole. Stuff it in the

hole. Stuff it in the hole. Stuff that

damn ball in the hole, Ramar. Stuff it

in the hole. Work that rim. Work that

rim. Give me a rim jobGive

me a rim jobPut your p*nis in me.

What?Crap on my face. I

don't know about that. You are

my first Las Vegas

showman. Let me hear you say it. Las

Vegas showman. Las Vegas showman. It's

showtime, baby. It's showtime, baby.

Ta.

This. May I help you?Hi. Is this

lost and found classifieds?I can help

you. Yes. Oh, great. I would like to

place an ad, please. OK. I've lost a

gold ring. It's a heirloom gold ring.

And by heirloom, I mean a piece of

property that's passed down from

generation to generation. Right. And the

ring itself, by ring, I mean a loop

constructed of gold that's worn for

ornamental purposes. OK. And I would like

to place an ad that offers a reward

of $200. One

possible option is $250 bills,

one $20 bill, six $10 bills, two $5

bills, five $1.00 bill, 16 quarter to 10

times, whatever, whatever it is. You

know, I'm, I'm willing to pay that. You

want all that in the ad?Well, let's see.

Let's see what we got here first. OK,

what we can say is for a $200 reward for

the return of a heirloom gold ring. It'd

be heirloom. Now the ring was given

to me by my grandfather, who's the man,

the man that had sex with my grandmother,

which led to her giving birth to my

father. The man who had sex with my

mother and then abandoned us for his 19

year old secretary, which doesn't pertain

to the the ring. You want that in the ad?

No, no, give me the actual ad.

OK. It's a gold

heirloom ring. OK.

There's also a diamond. It was mined

in Africa. OK, that doesn't doesn't mean

anything. So. And it was brought up by

workers that were not paid a lot of money

and were probably sl*ves.

OK, read back what you have so far. I

have. I have no idea what you want me to

put in there. I've got a $200

reward for the return of a lost

heirloom, gold ring. Heirloom.

Heirloom. Right. Heirloom with

diamond. The diamond is attached,

right?Most of them are. It sits on the

top of the ring. Unless you have it on

upside down, then it would be on the

bottom. None of that makes a lick of

sense to me. All right, so you're saying

that I should not put any extra

information in there?No, that doesn't

matter. Can I do like a full

page ad?A full page ad would cost

you over $800. What about the front page?

Can we put it somewhere on the front page?

We don't do that on the front page of our

paper. That's reserved for news. Can we

say, all right, how about this man gets

robbed and sexually assaulted for

heirloom ring?We can't do that. I mean,

you have to have documentation. What if I

went out and got mugged or r*ped?Are we

on the same page?No, we're not. We're not

on the same page. Now, by mugged, I'm

talking about someone, you know, holding

me up at gunpoint and taking the ring.

And of course, by r*ped, I mean pants

pulled down and assaulted sexually.

You can do what you want to. I mean, you

know, that's up to you. But, you know, we

can't put that in the newspaper. Can I be

honest with you?Yes. The ring is not

mine. OK. And I've got to get it back

to my girlfriend before her husband

returns. Don't say it's lost. Say, say

it's found. OK. Not stolen.

No affair. OK. Did not.

I'm not sure about this. Did not belong

to Barbara Montgomery. No, you don't want

to put that in there. Don't put her name

in there. No. But what if he's thinking

that it's her?It doesn't

matter. I mean, we need to get to

the end of this, OK?I'm very busy right

now. Can we just hurry this up and finish

it up?I need your credit card

information. The number is





ridiculous. Excuse me?This

isn't a credit card number. Card made by

credit card. We're talking about a card

made out of plastic. I'm hanging up. This

is ridiculous. By hanging up, you mean

you're taking the phone and placing it in

the cradle?

Thanks for calling. How may I help you?

Hi, I'm looking for maternity

clothes, um, that

do not make me look like I'm wearing a

tablecloth with a hole in it, you know?

Okay. I was just wondering what kind of

stuff you carry. I'm really looking for

something that would be as slimming as

possible. Okay. I want to be able to

look skinny at eight months, you know.

Skinny at eight months?Well, what do you

have that is the most flattering stuff?We

have a good variety, but I mean, you

want something that gonna make you look

small at eight months. I mean, that's...

impossible to do 'cause you're showing at

eight months old. Uh, yeah, I know, but I

just-- I'm starving myself just trying

to... You know, I mean, I'm glad I'm

pregnant. I want to have a baby, but I

don't know why it has to make me look

like a cow, you know?All

right, God. Do you have-- like, what

designers do you carry?We have the

Poplin Sharks, the Budd-Now Sharks, the,

um.. UghThe Moleskine Sharks.

dresses. We have the long wrap dresses,

the short ones. We have the button-down

ones. Bleh.

Okay, and that's basically it.

I don't know. I think I'm just gonna get

an ab*rtion. Okay. All

right. Thanks for helping me make up my

mind. Okay. Bye-bye. Okay.

Safe Camp and Aviation Challenge. This is

Sam. How may I help you?Hi, Sam. This is

Ed. I'm going to be an astronaut. Yay!

Oh, well, that's great. Where do I sign

up?Well, we can sign you up for Safe Camp

here. Oh, yeah?All right. Can you pick me

up?I can't pick you up, but I can send

you guys some information on Space Camp.

Okay, I want to go to the moon. Yay!

I'm gonna be an astronaut. What's your

address?Uh, I got a

blue house. It's the one

right next to the other house. And

there's a mailbox.

There's a lawn. And there's a

tree. What's your mailing address?And

there's a dog. No, and the dog is

pooping. He's pooping. Yeah, right now.

Yay! Look at that poop. There's a

bird flying around. Can you

send it there?No, it wouldn't get there.

The postmaster wouldn't deliver. Well,

can't you just see with the bird and the

dog?OK, but I would need your street

address. Yeah, but the moon doesn't.

That's where I want to go. Yay! I'm going

to go to the moon. Well, congratulations,

OK?Yay!

I have to go, OK?But you got to send me

the information. But you have to give me

your mailing address. It's not just going

to deliver to a blue house with a

mailbox. Can you send it in the shuttle?

They don't have a bathroom in the

shuttle. Yes, they do. No, they don't.

They don't. You have to sit there and pee

and poop in your pants. Yay.

Hey, Sand. Yes. We have a

problem. What is the problem?Poop

floats in space. Do you want to see it?

No, I don't want to see it. Why not?It's

so gross. Does that shuttle have

snacks and snippy drinks on it?Hey, Ed.

Hey, you ever watch this TV show called

Prank Yankers?I don't like

those jokes. They just say the same thing

over and over and

over and over and

over and over and

over. And over. OK, well, Ed, thank you

for calling. OK, I gotta go. Bye-bye. And

over and over and over and over again.

Yee-haw.