04x08 - Jimmy Kimmel & Nick Cannon

[bunniefuu]

Hello. Hi there. Hi. Hello.

Hey. Hello. Hell

yeah. Hello. The new

edition Mr. Telephone Man Somebody

playin' on my line Run as fast as you can

And I bet the cap of my phone From out to

man Because I can't prime dine and laugh

again Know who it is Telephone

gangsters, these pranksters Don't click

over the drank gangsters, love Who is

this?Who is this?I don't know, man I'mma

beat your a*s Playin' them games for I

know y'all makin' the names It's racin'

us all I'mma catch ya after work 'cause

I'm tracin' the cop And then with Star 69

and call out

Hello. HelloHi. Yes,

hello. Hey, how are you?How are you?Good.

Yeah, it's from Mercedes for sale. All

right, yeah. It's the C OK that you're

referring to, right?Yeah. We, I mean, we

have a lot of cars and a lot of listings.

We were just trying to see what specific

listing you were referring to. OhhOh,

so you're a dealer?Yeah, something like

that. How can you get this price for

CLK?Oh, well, I mean, over the phone, we

don't really like to talk about how we

get the cars. Just let us know, you know,

the CLK is the one that you're interested

in, you know, and if we we have one

sitting here, and if this one goes, you

know, I have some guys that can go get

another one before the night's up. But

how can, how can I know this car has been

accident or?No, no, it's not been an

accident. It's totally legit. Whatever

you need. I mean, no humans have been

k*lled in this car or nothing like that.

Probably not. I mean, like, we just, it's

it's all legit. How can I buy the car

without seeing it?We know you gonna like

it. You gonna take this car.

Telling you, money. We We got your

info. We gonna bring the white CLK to

you. You gonna like it. It's gonna be

cool. It's gonna pop off. We gonna

exchange our goods. You know, make sure

ain't no cops, no like that around, and

we gonna get it done, all right?And how

how much it will be. It ain't like,

Playboy. Look, I got you, my dude. This

is all you ain't got to worry about. No,

like, whatever you got, you

know, that's what we'll work with. We got

you. You know, it's my word from one

black man to another. You know what I'm

saying?All right. Word is born, yo,

you don't have my money, though. You

don't have it in cash, right?Yeah. We're

going to bring that to you. Brand new



blood on the seats and all that, but we

can wash that off when we get there. You

know, I would like to see the car, right?

OK, OKLook, look, I got whatever car you

need. I got the white CLK right here. You

want to see it?When you coming out, B?

When you coming out?About another two

weeks. Two weeks?I can bring this to you

right now. You're not serious, right?

I'm dead serious. yo-yo, what up?What up?

What up?Yo, hold up, hold up. My

man a little hostile right now. Who this?

Yeah, we coming to get you. Who this?Who

this?We coming to get your assOh, you

don't got my dude rod up. Who is man?I'm

on my way. All right then. Talk to you

later. All right, you pass the test.

Ohh Yeah. We gonna get you the white C

OK. All right. And we'll give it to you

for $12,000 and we gonna get some get

your wife some new All right.

All right. Hey, check this out. Let me

get your address, cell phone number,

and credit card number. Oh,

no, okay. It's all right. Okay, thanks so

much. Hey, wait, wait, waitWhat's your

name again?

Hello?HelloHi, can I help you?

Hi, who am I speaking to?My name is

Leslie Wilson. Who's this?Leslie, name's

Burcham. Good to meet you. Yes. Got a

couple of gals, twin gals, seven years

old. Looking to get them doing some

gymnastics. Have they done gymnastics

before?Yeah, we had them in the

Special Olympics program for a couple of

years. They're conjoined.

You said they're conjoined?I did say

conjoined, yeah. Right, but you know what?

I I don't think that, I don't think

gymnastics is a good idea.

Well, they're perfectly coordinated. I

understand, but you might not want to do

that for social reasons for children like

that. But Leslie, they got to join the

real world at a certain point. There's,

you know. This is true. What we can do is

we can do private lessons. I'll tell you,

the gals are like ninjas. And listen, I

appreciate you being sensitive and

everything, but I like to get them out

around the normies, as we call them, you

know what I mean?Normies. Regular kids.

Yeah. But I don't know if that's

something that would be, you know,

appropriate at this point in time unless

I see them. I'll tell you right now,

they're better than any seven-year-old

I've ever seen. They mopped up at the

Special Olympics. Sir, I trust your

judgment. I trust your opinion. But I

would need to see that myself personally.

It sounds like you're discriminating

against them. No, no, no, I'm not at all.

Why don't I just bring them down like

they're any other girls is what I'm

saying. Put them in with the rest of the

normies. Why don't you bring them down?

And then that way I can make an

assessment, let you know whether or not

it would be a good idea to do that. I

just say let's bring them down and get

them joined up in the class because of

the situation. I would need to see it

first. That's what I'm telling you. And

what about black kids?You handle black

kids or do you have to segregate them too?

Any child from any ethnic background, any

religious background. Sounds to me like

you're being closed-minded. Nope, not at

all. There's a little something called

the Americans with Disabilities Act. You

heard of that?Yeah, I've heard of that.

Well, I hate to shut you down. No, I

don't want you to to think that at all.

We do birthday parties with handicaps.

We've even had employees have worked here

with handicaps. All right. You got a ramp

up to the pommel horse. A ramp. I'm just

saying you're that handicapable friendly.

You should have a ramp going everywhere.

Could you give me your phone number?Yeah,

go ahead.



Leslie, you got kids of your own?Yes, I

do. Really. Yeah,



adopt your kids, Leslie?You don't. Let's

stay focused on one thing. I'm sorry. You

just you didn't strike me as a

heterosexual, you know, with the the

gymnastics and Leslie and everything.





OK, I got it. What'd you say your name

once again?Straight guy Burcham. I never

met a guy taught tumbling that. Didn't

like to partake in a little wang every

once in a while. Okay, Mr. Brigham, I got

your number. We will call you back, and

we will speak to you about possibly

bringing them down for an assessment,

okay?All right. Hey, can you put your

husband on the line?Okay, bye-bye.

This is Jennifer. How can I help you?

Hello. I'd like to go to the menu,

please. To who?I would like to have the

menu read to me. What

do you need?We're coming in. OK, my

family. There's only four of us, but we

have allergies that I want to make sure

is not on the menu. What are you?OK, tell

me what it is. OK, lard.

Lard. LARD. See.

Lard. OK, we use oil.

Sugar. Yeah, use sugar. Refined

sugar. HuhFlour.

Yeah, we use flour. Rice. The

proteins in black beans. The proteins

in red beans. Tomatoes.

Yes, we use tomatoes. Lettuce. Sour

cream. Yes.

Caffeine.

Yes. Salt. Salt. Yes.

Corn-based items we're allergic to. Yes.

Animal products. I

don't know about the animal products, but

everything else. Yeah, we use all that.

Meat. Meat. Yes.

What kind of meat?Also jalapeno.

Yes. Onions we cannot eat. Huh

We cannot eat onions or tomatillo.

You can't. You can't eat those. We

cannot. Tomatillo and onions. We cannot

eat. Well, you can't eat Mexican food

then. Listen. Peppers. Huh

Peppers. You can't eat Mexican food. We

have all that. Spices.

Uh-huhColoring. What?

Sodas we cannot drink. No.

Decaffeinated coffee. Dairy.

Dairy. Cheese. Any kind of cheese we

cannot eat and be not near. OK,

you can only eat. Tell me what you can

eat.

Let me go through a few more of the

allergies. Cereals, beer, alcohol. We

cannot have alcohol because my daughter

has an allergic reaction to alcohol. OK,

what can you eat?We cannot eat

anything having. I don't want to know

what you can't. I want to know what you

can. And I'll tell you if we have it.

OK. Water, ice. We have water

here. Ice. We have water and ice.

Okay. We'll make a reservation for

four, 8:00. Cheap Douglas. For four for



We'll have it for you. Gracias.

De nada.

Customer service, can I help you?I'm

sorry, what service?Uh, this is the main

switchboard. How would you like me to

connect your call?Oh, I'm sorry, I must

have dialed the wrong number. Who you're

calling for?I don't know, it's one of

those second cut lines. Are you them?I

can transferDid you call the the psychic

or for the terror card?

Uh.. I think it was the card. Okay, I

transferred it to the the reader. Can you

hold, please?Sure. First call is free.

Okay. Okay, please hold.

Oh. I'm the same guy. I feel safe with

that.

Yeah, Willy, can I help you?I'm sorry?

I said this Willy, can I help you?You

want to get written?Yeah. Yeah. Where are

you calling from?Uh, Florida.

OK. Let me see here. You're a southern

boy. Yep. You're a southern guy. See,

I knew that. I knew that.

What else?Your name start with a C.

With a C?Yeah. No. I mean

a B. Nope. Uh, a

G. No. Uh,

your name start with a W. No.

Uh.. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I see it now. Let

me turn over this card. Your name start

with a P. A B?A P.

A P, no. Uh.. an A?

No. A D?

Well, that's okay. We only got 15 letters

left. Your name Dave?No. Uh..

Well, let me help you out. My name is .

Oh, oh, I was looking at the wrong card.

That's-- Oh, okay. Yeah. All right,

uh, let's see what you want to know

about. Uh, I don't know, the future.

You want to know about your love life?

Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah. Well,

you're gonna meet a really good . You're

gonna meet a good . When you get off

work, you want a good to bring you a 40.

Ain't that what you want?Well, I don't

know. I mean, I never referred to a woman

I was with as a . Just right around the

corner, let me turn over this card.

yeah, yeah, you got yourself a a

piece of a*s just around the corner.

It's a good thing this thing is free

because I had to pay for thisThat'd be

pretty upset. Hey, don't be talking this.

Who the hell you talking about?Don't be

messing, talking this kind of trash. I

ain't playing around. Talking kind of

trash. You're the one talking trash. I

mean, I call up. I could be a

Bible belt. What if I was a God-fearing

person listening to the way you talk?I

just turn over a card. You're gonna have

to shine hubcap the rest of your life.

Well, that's OK. You turn over any cards

you want because it's all a bunch of

nonsense. I'm glad. I'm glad I

spoke with you because, you know, I was

actually starting to believe some of

these commercials.

If you don't call, you play with your

card. If you don't call with you, you're

gonna shine hook at the rest of yourlife.

Good afternoon. Thank you for calling

reservations. This is Alyssa. How may I

assist you with your booking today?How

you doing, Alyssa?What's the best suite

you got?The best suite we have?

Absolutely. We do have

ourPremier Central Park. You suite

available. How many square feet is that

suite?Because I'm being entertaining a

lot of women and I need some room to

move, if you know what I'm saying, honey.

Hey, now breaking it down.

Yeah, this suite is 820

square feet. Okey dokey. Fine. Now

look here. This is the truth, honey. So

you know what that means?You got to tell

the truth too. What I do. Is

I'm doing a little thing. It's called

Rhymes for Rooms. I bust a little rhyme.

You give me a room. I'm trying to raise

some money, save the babies. And we're

doing a tour of the hotel suites. We're

trying to get underprivileged kids, you

know, give them some luxury. You know, I

bring them in, give them some champagne,

bring some in or whatever. Say, look, you

know, this is a lifestyle you can have if

you play your cards right. You know what

I'm saying?So let me just bust a little

rhyme, give you a taste of what I'mabout.

OK.

Dude, you want a hot cat?Come on

in. When I'm hungry, I

eat at the mandolin. The tooth,

the tooth, the tooth out in your grill.

You know, something like that there.

That was good. So I'm going to need to

get that suite. What's the what's the

nightly rating?$2,600. Let me ask

you something. Would this impress a woman

of your stature?It's a very

nice suite. It's, you know, you do see

Central Park from there. I'm not sure.

OK, let's do a little role play. Hey,

baby, I'm opening the door. Hey, close

your eyes. Unless you got your eyes

closed. Open them up. Yes, it's

very. Do your thing, though. Tell me what

it's like. Well, how would you react when

you see the suite you're trying to book

me?Open your eyes. You

like it?Look, look, lookYou like it?It's

very nice. It's very nice. Yeah. You

see all them little rose petals on the

floor, girl. Look. Champagne.

Somebody got some panty drawers in the

box. It's a gift for you. You know, I

want to do it up. But look here. I'm

going to need you to call me on this

room. Can you do that, honey dip?

Unfortunately not. Maybe. Let me just

bust another rhyme. Maybe this'll do it.

I need the flowers in the drawers. I

want the flowers all. When I open the

door, better be flowers on the floor.

When I look on the wall, better flowers

in the hall. When I look on the bed, can

be flowers on my head. Shove up the bam.

What you think, Alyssa?That was that was

interesting. Alyssa. Yes. Alyssa.

Alyssa, Alyssa, Aly-- Go!

Okay, sir, I'm gonna go. Go, go, go! Bust

your rhyme, two, three, hit it!

Hit it, girl. You got $500.

Hello. This is the pet cemetery.

Mm-hmmWhat's your name?Jerry. Hello,

Jerry. I'm interested in your

services. Okay. For my

little Larry. Cat or dog?

Neither. When I was born,

I was one of three boys. It was

me, my brother Charlie

and our brother Larry, who was born

dead. Uh-huhMy

mother put him in the jar and we kept him

around with us. So you had him cremated?

Nah, she had him in the liquid. And

so he could look at us and we could look

at him. Uh-huhWe'd take him

everywhere with us. Vacations,

Coney Island. It was just like a

brother, even though he's in a jar in a

fetus. Right. So in other

words, I'm looking to get him

buried. Well, if it's if it's a

human fetus, you've got to take it to a

human cemetery. They want to charge

me $4000. 4000?That's

right. And I want him to

be surrounded by beautiful

dogs and cats and

hamsters. And rabbits

and all sorts of things

like bunnies and

ferrets and snakes.

Well, I have to check with the cemetery

association to see if I could put a human

fetus in with animals. My brother was

gentle. He never heard a fly.

He just floated around. Yeah, without a

care in the world. Well, there were tough

times. He was always there for me. Right.

And I want to give him something back.

Right. But not

$4000 worth. No. But he was a beautiful

brother. Sometimes we put him up

on a window sill and we put tea

bags in there to make sun tea. Uh-huh

And he just float in the tea. He

loved it. Why don't my brother Charlie

put him in the fish tank just to see what

what happened?Well,

the floating there ain't nothing going to

happen. I wish we'd talk to you first,

because that is what happened. We had to

pick colored gravel out of him for a

week. Yeah. He might have been

president if he hadn't lived his whole

life in a jar. Well, you never know, huh

It's a sad story. Never know. He's

sleeping right now. But I'm going to tell

him about you, OK?And I'm going to

mail him to you. And he looks like a

little Angel floating in there.

A disgusting little Angel. Well, I'll

tell you what. You keep a hold of Larry

till I get back with you. OK. So I'm

going to shave him and mail him to you.

Well, don't mail him to me until I get

permission. OK. I'll just shave him then.

All right. I love you. Bye. Bye.