04x03 - Dane Cook & Chamillionaire

[bunniefuu]

Hello. Hi there. Hi. Hello.

Hey. Hello. Hell yeah.

Hey, how you doing there?Hello.

The new edition Mr. Telephone Man

Somebody playin' on my line Run as fast

as you can And I've been the cop of my

phone from out to man 'Cause I hand pine

dine and laugh again Know who it is

Telephone gangsters, pranksters Don't

click over the drank yankers, love Who is

this?Who is this?I don't know, man I'mma

beat your a*s Playin' them games for I

know y'all makin' the names disgracing us

all But I'mma catch ya after work 'cause

I'm tracing the cop And then we star 69

and call outHow the f*ck you gonna say

you ain't more with me?Crank

Yankers!

Hello?Yes, is this, uh, are

you the manager of Chamillionaire?Yeah.

Ohh I just, uh, you know, I

had some business to discuss with

Chamillionaire. OK, hold on one moment.

Who is this?My name is Sandy. How are you?

Who?Sandy. I

represent another artist who

has a beef with your your stage name.

My artist is known as

Kabillionaire, and he's been

Kabillionaire for 14

months. Man, are you serious?Who is this,

man?My name is Sandy or

Sanford Brillman. And

I represent Kabillionaire. You

can't be serious, man. You mean to tell

me you got an artist that got the name

Kabillionaire. That sound like mine, and

he had his name for 14 months.

Kabillionaire. You know how long I've

been Kabillionaire?For a long time,

homie. Well, okay, that's not what

Kabillionaire thinks. So what are you

doing?You calling me?Are you calling me

to sue me?Let me say this, I don't like

to use the word sue. I like to use

the word settlement. What label are y'all

signed to?We're signed to a

label out of La Crosse, WI.

You're his manager. Do you have a lawyer?

He has a lawyer. But I'm

trying to make this go away very quickly

without a law. That's the best way to

make it go away. What do you want me to

do, man?How about you do a guest shot on

his new album?That way, there's no

pressure. He just asked me to do a

feature on his album. Listen, why don't

we talk about a possible name change?How

about. No, I'm not. I'm not.

Chamillionaire. Why?Why not Kirichgai Air?

Why not Kirichgai

Air?I'm asking you to be a reasonable

man. Where are you from?You from

Wisconsin?No, I'm from Los Angeles, where

every manager's from. I also

represent 90 Cent, who's

also in a lawsuit right now. He said

he represent 90 Cent, man. Come on.

Listen, why don't you change your name to

Cotillionaire or Kajillionaire?Then

you'll be bigger than my guy. Hey, I'm

not changing my name, homie. It's not

happening, man. Casharlene

Tiltonaire. I'll be. I'll be glad to

listen to his demo or whatever you got.

You know what I mean?Now we're talking,

OK?'Cause I don't want you to be a

hater or whatever. Have you heard my

records before?You know, it's not my

favorite type of music, I'm gonna be

honest with you. I haven't even heard my

client's records, but I know how great

they are. He said he hasn't even heard

his client's records. Okay, hey, man,

it's been nice chatting with you, man,

but I'm fine. Let me talk to your

business manager about the the guest

shot. Yeah, okay, hold on, hold on. All

right. Hello?He

agreed to have a guest shot on on his

next, on his next album. All right,

well, I'm gonna put you on as publisher.

We gotta go, hold on.

Hello?Hi. I represent

Kabillionaire. His name's been stolen.

We'll just call you back at another time.

Tell it to the Ka-judge. No, no, no, I'm

hanging up.

Complete cosmetic surgery. Hello.

HelloThis is cosmetic surgery. Yes. Well,

I I don't need to make an appointment.

You know why?Why

Because I'm good looking. I'm

good looking. Pretty little nose.

pretty little eyes. A really perfect

chin. A really nice body. My hair

is really cool. I look good. With the

new human collagen injections to plump up

wrinkles... Hello?Hello Can I help you?

Yes, I do not need to make an

appointment. Okay, and what do I need to

do for you then?Ohh I don't need to make

an appointment because I'm good looking.

I'm good looking. I'm really handsome.

Beautiful little nose. Pretty little

eyes. My cheeks are really cool. My

body's really nice. My feet also too.

I'm good looking. I think that

made my whole day. All good. Gracias.

Stay on the line. No.

Okay. Could you do it for one more person?

Sure. Okay, hold on.

Bueno. Hello. Hello Yes, my

name is Chip Douglas and I do not have to

make an appointment today. Do I have

to make an appointment today?No, no

plastic surgery. Do you know why?

Because I'm good looking. I'm

good looking. Pretty little nose.

Pretty little eyes. My chin is really

perfect. My shoulders are so too. My hair

is really nice. So are my feet.

I'm good looking. Please start over.

Hello. HelloYes. Is

this plastic surgery?Yes. Uh, yes

Yes. My name is Chip Douglas.

OK. And and I do not need an appointment.

You know why?WhyBecause I'm

good looking. I'm good looking.

Pretty little nose, pretty little eyes.

My ears are really cool. My neck is

perfect too. So is my chin. Because

I'm good looking. I'm good looking.

OK. You don't need appointment. Bye. Bye.

OK.

Good morning, . This is Ray. What's up,

Ray?This is Maverick from Delta Fu?

Yes. Listen, bro, I just wanted to get

this out of the way. I got some bad

advice from you, bro. How's that?Pound

for pound, you said that the wolf cichlid

would kick the Oscar's assWolf cichlid is

definitely a mean, aggressive fish. Yes,

sir. Well, anyway, bro, you cost me 50

bucks because my my wolf cichlid got its

a*s handed to it by Pucci's

Oscar. By what?My my

friend in in the fraternity, Pucci, he

had an Oscar and that thing kicked my

cichlid's assAin't my fault. And dude, I

went like a laughing stop because

everyone was. Cracking up at me. It ain't

my fault at all, man. You told me the

wolf's sickly, bro. Yeah, and it

is. You know what?They're all aggressive.

But that don't mean just because you got

a badass fish that he's going to be able

to whoop everybody else. But dude, I

starved it for three days. It was hungry

and the Oscar, everyone was cheering,

dude. But I got a bunch of customers in

the store now. And excuse me, one of the

gentlemen. This is Bush league, bro.

Good afternoon. All I ask is that you do

the currency of not hanging up on me,

bro. I'm sorry. Ask anyone who's

ever hung up on me before and they will

tell you it is the biggest mistake they

ever made. Excuse me?The

deeks hung up on me before. One.

The SAEs hung up on me before. One.

Did you just call a second ago?Hell yeah,

bro. Can you hang on for one second?Hell

yeah. This is Ray. Hey,

Ray. What's up, bro?It's Maverick. Hey,

Maverick. Can I ask you a question?Sure.

I think amateur hour is over, dude.

Let's make some cash on this. I need

you to be my wingman. I can't. I can't

have nothing to do with it, for one. You

know. But, dude, it's totally legal. You

know, I know. I just. I can't.

There's just too many individuals out

there who would not like to hear that I'm

out there fighting fish. But bro, money

is no object, bro. I got, I got wealthy

alumni that can support us. I know that

there's probably plenty of places on the

website. They're probably gonna tell you

this is my price fish. This is a picture

of it. You know, this is what I did to

get him ready for it. You know, I kept

him isolated. Maybe, Maybe they fed him

some crazy like steroids. I don't know.

That's like Delta Fu, bro. We need those

fish to fight for us because, dude, my

house, Delta Fu, we're like the the wolf

thickly, bro. We don't let up. Whether

it's Sayu, Deek, the

Fiji house, FAE, we'll kick the a*s

Bro, what's the craziest thing you ever

seen one fish do to another fish?Rip his

jaw off. Hell yeah. Then what happened?

Well, then he just got a deformed face.

You didn't eat him whole?No, I haven't

seen anything get eaten whole before. You

know, like I said, I had a big red devil

in the store. Wolf sickly clamped down on

the red devil's face. He couldn't open

his mouth to fight back. He just sat

there and shook him for like 5 minutes.

That's off the hook, bro. You know. But

bro, we're having a blowout sl*t fest

tonight. What?Do you want to come by the

house?No, I don't. I gotta work late

tonight. And like I said, I don't want to

have anything to do with it. Just give me

one. Hell yeah, Delta Foo. Man,

stop wasting my time, OK?I gotta go.

Travel Nice. This is Shawna. How can I

help you?Hi, I'm interested in getting a

driver in a limousine for my

boss who's going to be in town and who is

a very high profile celebrity. And I just

had a few questions I wanted to ask you.

OK, I can't say who it is because he's

very, very private. But

he's a lively guy and he

loves action and he loves driving

fast. And he would really need your most

aggressive driver. I mean, I can't say

who it is, but let's just say he's one of

show business's Top g*n. You

understand what I'm saying?Yes. Well,

what we can do is book the limo and then

on the reservation note that he would

like the most aggressive driver and for

whomever took this job. It would

be a mission impossible. Do you

understand what I'm saying?OK, so

I wouldn't even know what. I mean, we

have A and it could be risky business,

but I can't say who it is. OK. Do you

know who it is?Not really.

Any love in the back of the limo to have

a c*ck or two?

OK. Do you know who it is?

Nope. He's no outsider. Now, there

were a couple people in the outsider.

That's right. Who are they?Can you think?

And they were talking about one of the

guys today on the news. Yes.

But that's not helping me, Mama. Oh, this

is a lot of fun now for me trying to

trying to get some information through

your very, very dense head. So let's see

if we can figure this out. We've got a

lot of clues here, and I hope the

weather's nice so it doesn't rain, man.

Oh. No. Do you know

yet?Tom Cruise.

That's right. It's Tom

Cruise. What I'm looking for is

somebody with some action, somebody with

a little bit of zest, some zeal, some

zip, zip, zip, driving him to and fro.

Sometimes he likes to pull over, jump out

and just hug his fans and wrestle them to

the ground and squash them and jump right

back in the car and tear off. So these

are the sorts of things we're looking

for, OK?You know it would be great if

the song Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins was

blasting through the radio as he drives

just to get him pumped up and crazy. OK,

Danger Zone on the radio. Exactly.

No eye contact with Mr. Cruz whatsoever.

OK, no eye contact

whatsoever. Any other

requests?And he may have a friend with

him as well. He may he may bring one of

his friends. And I can't say who the

friends are either. But let

me just say that if they're driving

around on the weekend, it's going to be

some Saturday night fever. Now, when you

say Saturday night fever, of course the

only person comes to mind is John

Travolta for me. Actually, it's the

lady who played his mom in that movie,

but I can't give out her name.

And he may bring his beautiful bride

Katie with him for a ride and their

imaginary baby. Don't worry about a car

seat, though. The baby travels in a

hermetically sealed tube, so they will

just strap the tube in and it should be

fine. OK. It's been so

wonderful talking to you. And on behalf

of Tom Cruise Industries. Right on, baby.

Thank you so much. You're welcome. Keep

cruising. You too. Take care. You. Bye.

Bye.

Hello, is this Mr. Nelson?It is. This is

the concierge downstairs. Mr. Nelson, how

are you?I have a slight problem with your

room. Your room was used

for a how do you say a sting operation.

They left several hidden cameras in

your room. They need to come to a

disconnect and remove the cameras.

So what now?Well, for your troubles, I

would like to send you a muffin basket if

that is OK. A muffin basket. We

we have a we have a cranberry muffin, a

blueberry banana, walnut.

And a corn muffin. Yeah, I could care

less about the muffins. When are they

going to disconnect the cameras?This

evening between

would I have 11:00 PM and 3:00 AM?

I will be sleeping. I don't want to be

disturbed. They're very quiet. They will

come in, they will remove the cameras and

that's I can have them leave the the

muffins. When they come at that point,

forget the muffins. This is a

blueberry. I recommend the blueberry. I

don't care about the muffins. So just to

get this straight, we're saying an

assorted basket. The the banana walnut. I

do not care about the baskets. I care

about the invasion of my privacy and I

don't want to be disturbed any further.

You can change them to cupcakes. I don't

want food. I I I've dealt with your types

before. Name your price. How?How can you

repay me for the invasion of my privacy

for the my stay at your hotel?That's

already happened. That's in the past.

This is between you and I. But you can

take a pillow if you like. But do you

hear what you're saying?You're saying

that you've had spy cameras on me over

the past three days in my hotel, and it's

all OK because you want to give me a

pillow?All right, you've got me. Take

both pillows. But you owe me. I owe

you. You want me to take pillows because

you've had spy cameras in my room?These

are very nice pillows. I don't care

about your pillows. OK, I get it. You're

taking advantage of my generosity. That's

all right. That's all right. Are you

insane?I'm taking advantage of your

generosity and you've been spying on me

for three days with hidden cameras. This

is not easy for me. Well, how do you

think I feel?Exactly.

ExactlyNow this. I

I just can't talk about this anymore. I

have a reception to go to. When will you

be at the reception?I'll be at the

reception at at 5:00, but I'm not staying

for more than an hour. OK, so perhaps

within that hour that you're at the

reception, I can bring the muffins up at

that point. I don't want the muffins.

Quit talking about muffins. I don't want

any muffins. You can fill the pillows

with the muffins and take the pillows. I

do not care about the muffins. I do not

care about the pillows. I care about the

invasion of my privacy. I care about

being disturbed while I'm supposed to be

staying here at the hotel. I fear that

you are angry and I do not understand

why. You are just

unbelievable. There's a bran muffins.

There's a bran muffin. If I could not

care less about your muffins than the

pillows.

Hi. I need some help. What's wrong, Sir?

My black lab Beastmaster. I took him for

a walk and he must have sat in a in a

hive of ticks. He's got

ticks all over his chest,

his paws, his. I don't know. I don't

knowHe's just. I don't know what to do.

What should I do with this dog?There's

ticks. They're on his assThey're

everywhere. You're going to have to call.

I tried spraying him with Raid. And I

don't know if that's good, but he then he

licked it and he started spinning in a in

a circle. And hold on one second.

Beast. Beastmaster. No, I'm sorry. I'm

sorry. He's just he's he's getting a

little nutty. He bit. He bit at me. He

nipped at my knees. Yeah, he's probably

going crazy. Well, you know, he's covered

in ticks and I now have ticks on me too.

I just noticed I have a tick on my nipple

I have a tick on my waist. I don't to do.

A friend of mine just called. He said I

should put him in a bath with a honey. I

don't know if that works. Hold on one

second. Oh, please. Hello.

HelloI was. Who is this now?

My name is Ken. Hey, this is Jack Larson

Junior. I'm calling with my dog,

Beastmaster. He's a black lab. He's

covered. Ken. He is covered. He's.

He is covered in ticks and I don't know

what to do. A friend of mine. No,

these are about the size of a dime or so.

They're all. And The thing is, they're

all over his his assI don't know what to

do. What should I do with the dog?Well,

you obviously hold off for one second.

Beasty. Beast. Beast. Sit down. It's OK,

baby. It's OK, baby. I'm sorry,

Ken. I tried dipping him. A friend of

mine told me to put lettuce in the tub

and dip him in the lettuce and let him

roll in the lettuce. But he snapped and

he bit my neck. He bit my bit my eye.

No, I know because he's freaking out over

here, Ken. He's freaking the hell out.

Yeah, well, you need to get them to a

vet. What can I do right now?Should I

knock them out?Should I just wallop them

and and put them out for now?No, I

certainly wouldn't do that. I would just

keep them confined in the bathroom until

you can get them to a vet and get them

there. Can you guys, can somebody there

come and help me or or or send somebody

to help me like here?No, we don't have

anyone that can do that. We only we have.

You can bring them here in the morning

even though he's snap at me and biting my

jaw. Well, there's nothing we can do for

you. You'd have to dust something.

Somebody said rub an ice cream sandwich

on his back. I didn't even know. what

that means. What does that mean?I have no

idea. Should I get him drunk?I really

don't know, but I think it's beyond

drunk. Oh, damn it, Ken, come on!