01x10 - Dane Cook & Sarah Silverman

[bunniefuu]

Come one, come all 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want and they'll

never know if you're deranged or

what, but it doesn't really matter.

We'll all be doubled over with laughter

at the expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers!

Thank you, sir. Have a nice day.

oh

Rosie's delivery said jewelry. I'm

calling them right now. Hello. Hello

Hello there. Hi. Listen, I

got a. I got a problem.

OK. This is disgusting.

What?One of your

delivery fellas

came over here and took a

leak on my door. On my front

door. I can't believe

that. Here's what happened. This fella

comes over. Nice fella.

He drops off the package. He

leaves and then I see

something out the window. Just a few

minutes later and I look

out there and there's a puddle

and I'm like, what the hell is this here?

So I go around the front

and I look in there and I sniff it

and I'll be damned that this fella

didn't use my house like his

bathroom. I just can't believe

it. And your name again was what?Elmer.

Elmer. That's right. If you

drive by my home, it's the one with the P

all over the door.

That's how you know me. I understand. OK.

That's how everybody in my neighborhood

knows me now. Elmer, go take a

whiz on his house.

It's disgusting. Elmer, I will call you

back, OK?I watched him walk off.

What's he look like?What's that look like?

He looks like a g*y. He looks like

a g*y h*m* and

that's he was skipping when he walked off

and that's when I knew something was up.

I see this skipping like a

fig and then he

jumpy skippy flips over to his

car and then he leaked

all over my door. I'm sorry. I'm going to

take care of this problem. I would hope

so. Don't go. You don't have to. I mean,

I understand your God. Sometimes you got

to go. You got to go. I'm not saying

fire the guy. I'm saying hammer his

g*dd*mn brain to a board. Put a

nail through his g*dd*mn brain and

k*ll him. I'm going to do that. OK

then. And thanks for the phone call. OK.

And staple is g*dd*mn nuts to get it too,

my darling. OK, honey, you've been very

sweet. You have a wonderful day. You too.

Goodbye. Bye. Bye.

Good morning. A flower market. Yes.

Hello. Is this a florist?Yes. YesMy

name is Spooney Love from up above.

And I'm trying to send some flowers to a

very special someone. Is that available?

Yes. OK. OK

First of all, I want to send two dozen

black roses. We have. We can

special order black magic. Right. Right

That's what I want. I want the best for

her. When did you want them?Because we're

going to have to special order them. All

right. Forget about it. Just give me the

regular roses. Red. Yeah, give me two

dozen of those. Two dozen ready. All

right. And I want, I want, I want to

send. I want to say a little something on

the card for you. Y'all do that, right?

Yes. OK. Could you take that?I'm going to

come from the heart with this. Could you

take this down for me?Yes. Yeah. Just

just letting you know, last night was

wonderful. Got that?

Yes. OK. I never seen anyone work

that a*s like you did.

Wow, she was working it too, baby.

That's why I say women are. That's why I

say females are the eighth one of the

world, you know?OK, you got that?

I never seen anyone work that out like

you did, right?Yeah, now. And when your

sister joined in, it

fulfilled my every fantasy.

OK, tell her she screws like a champ.

OK. Let's do it again real soon.

Got that?Like tomorrow.

OK. Your love rock is spoonie love.

Spoonie. SPOONEY. Yeah. Spoonie

love. LUV. Could you

read that back?Could you read all that

back to me, please?Yeah.

Just letting you know last night was

wonderful. Slowly, slowly, slowly. Read

that again to me slowly. Just read

it. Could you read it slowly for me,

please?Just letting you

know last night was wonderful. I

never seen anyone work that a*s like you

did. When your sister joined in, it

fulfilled my every fantasy. Tell her

she screws like a tan. Let's

do it again real soon. Like tomorrow.

Your love, rocket, spoonie love. But how

did that that sound nice?That's

appropriate, right?That's appropriate.

Oh, man. OK, OKI mean, if

she, you know, So what you need?

I need her name.

Miss Schaefer. Ms.

Yeah, Miss. She was married twice.

SHAFFER. And put Miss

Lampkin down. Ms.

also.

Hello. Yes. Oh, man. Excuse

me. I'm on the toilet, yo. So

I'm trying to find some toilet paper in

here. OK. Could you just read that back

to me, that letter one more time?Real

slow. I don't feel like I have to do that

again. I've already read it to you twice.

Oh, you went. OK. Thank you. All right.

Henderson Public Library Reference Is

this a machine?No. Oh, wow.

I thought you were a machine there for a

minute. Hello. This is Jean. My name is

Jean Winterbuck. I'm new to the area. How

are you today?Fine. Who am I speaking

with?Angela. Angela. Heard a lot of great

things about you. OK,

well, let's see. Give you a little

background of myself here. I I'm in a

wheelchair. I was in a statue

accident about five or six years back,

and now I'm confined to this metal

hot rod. There's some books that I

need for people who are handicapable,

such as myself. And if we could maybe get

a list going here, you can tell me if you

have the titles. Sure. And then I could

cling, clang, clang, clang, clang down to

your local library and pick these up in a

nice little gift pack. OK, let's do it.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

All right, let me oil up my wheels here

and let's get started. Do you have a

library card yet?I do. I just got my

first library card in downtown

Moscow about four years ago. Would that

be able to be used in?We'd have to do a

little updating. I was told it was an

international library card.

You are so excited and you're making me

excited. Good. No, you really are making

me excited to want to come down there and

fetch these books. Well, you it's. I

think you'll enjoy it. Well, that sounds

delicious. Let's let's tell

me some. Yes, let's. I was going to say

that too. OK, the first

book is by the off the author

Orni Fills

FILLZFILLZ.

Yep. No, I'm sorry. FHILLZ.

Hills. I'm sorry. Fills. F

as in Frank. Yes, F as in Frank. H as in

Hills. Hills. That's an unusual

name. I know.

HILLZ. And the first one

again was you. You won. I'm

sorry. It's Peter. Peter. No, I'm sorry.

It's George. I'm looking at. I have

everything spread out in front of me

here. I always have to spread everything

out on the floor like a map, and then I

roll to each each thing that I

identify. OK. The first title is Arms of

Steel, Legs of Wheat.

Arms of Steel. Legs of

Wheat. Yes. Non-fiction. All right.

OK. Do you have another one there?Yes.

Oh, I've. I've got a bundle. I've got a

gaggle here. Let's see Ramp

romance novel Ramp to her Heart.

RAMP ramp RAMP to

her heart to her heart. It's about a it's

about a small town boy who goes to the

city. And he all the trials and

tribulations. He falls in love with a

girl who works on the 50th floor in a

building with no elevators. And he's

going to get to her.

OK, OK, OK

We have how to succeed in business

without really walking. We've got

Crawl to Me. Hang on, I'm. I'm having to

write. We also have Mr. Wobbles. OK, how

to succeed?We have Banana Day.

Yeah, because I have to handwrite

these. Oh, oh, I thought that you were

recording them and you're going to have

somebody take them down later, like a

translator of sorts. No. All right, we

have. Let me grab something to drink

here. I'm so thirsty. My apartment,

something's wrong with the heat in it.

Steam is coming out of the wall. Yes,

it's constant steam. And I'm wet and hot.

Excuse me. OK.

OKHow to succeed in business without

really walking. Yes. OK. And that

is by Beekman B EE

K3 E's, 3 E's,



That's what. That's what was sent to me

in the gift pack. OK. If the title, if

every word in the title is correct, we

generally every word is correct. Yeah,

we're generally able to get it all right.

OK. Next Johnny Noodle Eggs.

NOODLE. John. Yes.

And the legs. Johnny Noodle Legs. OK.

And he's a martial arts expert based out

of Milwaukee who actually does

this form of self-defense where you throw

your legs. Sounds strange.

Sounds odd, but it works for me. OK,

are there others?Oops. I crapped myself.

And I believe it's about dice. The dice

game I crapped. I craft myself. OK.

Any author?I'm sorry. Could you repeat

that title?I craft myself.

Yes. OK, that is correct. And do you have

an author on that?Hill is the last name.

Hill. All right. OK.

Could you just hold?I just dropped my

pipe on my lap and I am now on fire.

Oh, oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm going.

I'm going to call you right back. My

entire leg is aflame. Oh, please get

it off. Bye.

Confucius say wife will put husband in

doghouse. Soon find him in cat

house with wh*res

Like to look?Hi, I...

Recently went in there about a week ago,

week ago last Thursday, I got my

eyelashes permed. Yeah. And I got a

full bikini wax.

Yeah, yeahAnd I came

home and I had crabs on my

vag*na and my vag*na was itching to the

beat of the band. And look, my

eyelashes look amazing and I'm not going

to lie about that, but I'm upset about my

vag*na. I mean, obviously this has

happened before to both of us.

Do you remember putting crabs on anyone's

vag*na?Oh, you know what?

WhatIs it the name of the song called

Mario Mario's?Mario.

That's so funny. It wasn't. It

wasn't you. It was Mario. Yeah.

Mario. Yeah.

Because the way you describe, that's it.

Mario. Oh, he's dirty.

Oh, he's a man. She's dirty, I said. He's

dirty. She needs your eyelashes pumped,

too. Yeah, I did.

They did a very good job on that. It was

almost worth the crabs on my vag*na. Oh,

I would think you need to d*uche it.

d*uche it. Yeah. And where do you put the

actual the d*uche nozzle?OK, OK,

do do me one favor. Don't don't d*uche

it. I this is the old remedy

that my grandma used to teach us. When

women have itch down there, sometimes

you have yeast infections. Your

grandmother had crabs. No, no, no, no

This is the old remedies. Oh, okay. When

you have Ichi down there, means you have

bacteria. So, the yoga,

the yogurt you eat. Oh, yeah, yeahYeah,

you buy, you go to the grocery store, you

buy a plain small jar of yogurt.

No berries?No, No no, plain. You gotta

find a plain white one. You use Q-tip,

you put a mirror under the

floor so you can see where you put it in.

Oh yeah, I already have one there. And

then you put a

plastic piece of plastic on

your underwear so it don't leak out. You

sleep with it. Oh, wow. And then when you

go to the bathroom, you wash it and you

put another piece, new cream in

it. And it can't be frozen yogurt, right?

HuhFrozen. Froyo. Plain yogurt.

OK, right, right, right, right, right,

right, right, right, rightI can't tell

you. It would take away your itch. In a

couple of days. My vag*na is already

stopping itching just from feeling better

about it. Yeah. YeahThank you. Thank your

grandmother. I know my grandma. Let

me kind of eat. Yogurt is

#1, right?Oh, because of all the culture,

all the bacteria and cultures and yogurt.

Yeah. So it's like the battle of good and

evil in your vag*na. That's right. OK.

Thank you so much. You're welcome.

OK. Later. Later.

Later.

Hello. Is this Thomas Fuller of Atlanta,

GA?Yes, it is. Thomas, my name is

Sav McCauley, and you have just entered

the Phone Zone. Are you ready to play

America's hottest new phone game show for

cash, for prizes?I'll talk to you in 10

more minutes, $2000. Check the no

call list. That is not one of the

questions, Sir.

Hello. Hi. Is Thomas there?Thomas. Hello.

Is Thomas there?This is

him. Thomas, you've entered the phone

zone. We know you want to play. This is

Sav McCauley. This is the hottest new

game show in America. Thomas, you seemed

a little irate at first, but I know you

want to play. You call me once more at

this number, you will be fined $2000. But

you can win $2000 on the phone

zone.

Hello. Yes, I'm looking for Thomas

Fuller, please. Who?Thomas

Fuller. You got the wrong number. I'm

sorry?You have the wrong number. He only

accepts calls from people who know him.

Thank you. Was that him?Yeah.

Oh, sh*t

Adult Center, this is Roseanne. Roseanne,

this is Tony Desloge calling, your

district selectman. And let me say right

away, thank you for your vote. Well,

thank you. You're welcome. And I am

calling today, and what what I'm

calling about is this will be a... I'm so

sorry. Let me start over, okay?

Hi, this is Tony DeLoge, your district

selectman, and I want to thank you for

your vote, Roseanne. OK. All right.

What we're doing today is I'm going to

suggest some things for senior citizens

under my new platform. If you

like them, say yes. If you don't,

say no. Well, Tony, I have to tell you

that I'm not. It will be a voice vote. So

I'll go over them quickly and just say

yes if you like them or no if you don't.

OK. All right. The first thing I want to

do is get rid of crosswalks. And

the reason I want to do this is I think

it makes older people lazy.

Yes or no?No

Oh, that was the main one on my platform.

All right. What I also want to do is to

get rid of all the windows in the senior

citizen home. Yes or no?No

HmmPlease. I've

got one more. One more. OK. No

more volleyball. Well,

that one would be OK. That's it. Well,

will you please say yes?Otherwise, I

can't register. Wait a minute. I was

talking. Wait, hold on a second. OK, go

ahead and vote. Yeah. All right. One

more. I don't believe

that senior citizens should have to

qualify for driving licenses.

I don't agree with. No. That's a no.

That's a no. Please say it clearly. No.

All righty. One more.

I think there should be cruises where

senior citizens are allowed to box.

No. Thank you, Roseanne. You've

been bold and helpful.

Ohh