01x09 - Jimmy Kimmel & Adam Carolla

[bunniefuu]

Doesn't really matter. No, it doesn't

really matter. 'Cause we'll all be

doubled over with laughter at the expense

of others. Maybe even your mother wants

to join the Crank Yankers tonight. Crank

Yankers!

in collector's gunnery?Y'all got the

beanie baby?What?Beanie

baby?What about beanie baby?You have them?

You carry them?We don't want them. Well,

common law looking to buy them, not to

sell them. I don't want them, don't

have them, and I'm not interested in

them. Common law looking to buy them from

you. Not from selling them from you.

You're not buying them for me because I

don't have them. Yep. OK. Carmelo know

how this work and he got money. He could

grease the right wheels. Well, I

honey, I wish you a lot of luck. I'm not

interested in this call. You have a nice

day. Goodbye. OK, then. Bye. Bye. What

about Barbie doll?What do you have?

Carmelo don't have nothing. He looking to

buy some Christmas Barbie doll. Which

ones are you interested in?Well, some of

the beautiful Barbie. OK, honey, there's

a million Barbie dolls. If you tell me

what type you want, I may have them. OK,

Dan, what about them Malibu?Karl Malone

member, his sister used to have a Malibu

Barbie, and Karl Malone used to look at

that Malibu Barbie and go, what the heck?

Look at this here, this little Barbie

doll. Are you locally?Yep, this little

Barbie. Are you a local man?OK, hold on.

Could I ask you one thing about here?

Y'all got the Beanie Baby?You asked me

the same question. I told you I don't

have beanie babies. What about a beanie

Barbie?Honey, you have a nice day.

Goodbye. OK. I'm hanging up. Goodbye.

Don't hang up. I'm going home alone.

Beanie b*tch

Earl's Quality Kirk here. Hi. I'm calling

about the ad and the paper for the job.

OK. How much experience do you have?

About four or five years. Four or five

years. Yeah. And

hello. What was that?

I belched. I'm sorry. Into the phone. I

didn't mean to. I just. I

just had a soda. Sorry. So, yeah, it's

been about four or five years, actually.

OK. And I just moved into town, so I'm

looking to. OK. And who have you

worked?Before or before, I work with

Bill's auto detailing. That was out of

Savannah. OK. And so you're

just moving into the area.

Yeah, I just got here about two weeks

ago. OK, hold on just

a minute.

OK. Zero. Can I help you?Yeah. I just

talked to somebody about the job. Oh,

yes. Yeah. What's your name?Bobby

Fletcher. And how much experience do you

have?Uh, four or five years.

What's that noise?I don't know. OK.

So yes, I moved from Savannah and I'm,

you know, I'm just looking for a, you

know, some kind of work to hold me over,

you knowSo you're looking for something

short term to get you by?No. Well, I

didn't know what you guys, if you guys

were hiring part time or full time. No,

we're looking for full time. That's fine.

That's fine. OK.

All right. What else do I need to bring?I

see you don't have to take SATS. I don't

have to have an SAT. Is that what it says?

No. You can come by and fill out an

application and just have your previous

work history.

OK. OKSo you want to come by and fill out

an application?Yeah. I need the

directions to the place. I remember

passing it by, but I was, you know, when

I was driving the other night, but I was

pretty drunk, so I don't remember exactly

where it was. You were driving drunk.

Well, yeah. I mean, I had to get home.

I'm not interested in hiring you. Why is

that?One, I'm not interested in hiring.

Excuse me?The drinks and drives. Well,

you know, look, you know what happens.

What are you going to do?You know, I met

some fat chick and, you know, I'm sure

you've had a couple of fat chicks before,

right?You need to call another place. I'm

not. This isn't going to work out. Well,

why don't I just come in for an

interview, fill out an application. We'll

see where it goes from there. All right.

You're welcome to do that. What time are

you around?I'm here from 8:00 to 6:00.

Eight to six. Yeah. It was nice talking

to you, Earl. OK. Thank you, sweetie. All

right. Bye.

Hello. Hi. Is Billy in?

Uh, no, he's not. Can I take a message

from Ms. Why?Oh, you are?Oh, I can talk

to you. I'm calling from the Municipal

Waste Management Department. Uh-huhUm,

we've been getting some calls about,

and we've located a problem in your area,

particularly your apartment or home.

You're going to need to reduce the

amount of solid waste being flushed by

approximately 18%. We've detected a lot

of action coming out from your location.

Do you eat a lot of meat or a lot of husk?

No, we don't. No. OK. Our neighbors

grill out a lot over there, but we're

not. Really. OK, we're going to we're

going to look into that.

OK, well, what?What are you people eating?

Mostly.

I think my husband is so, but I want him

to hear this. All right. This

is Bailey. Hi. HiI was just

talking to your wife. I'm calling from

the Municipal Waste Management

Department. We've detected a lot of solid

waste and a lot of action, and it's just

been difficult, I think, because it's

more wide than long.

Are you big eaters?No.

Right. For instance, when you have a

snack like a Twinkie do you do you eat

the wrapper along with it?We never eat

Twinkies. Do you read in in the

restroom?No.

OK, that's helpful. Why is it paper

being thrown down the sewage or something?

HuhHow many times weekly would you say

that you BM combined?

Probably once a day for me. Yeah, I go

every morning. OK, so that's 2 *



weird, but we our motto is too many poos,

we all lose. So we're just

trying to.

You know what?She your wife told me about

the people who eat a lot of meat next

door, a lot of BBQ, and we're going to

look into that a lot. What we're trying

to do is get everybody to work together.

You've got about 14 BM's a week. Could

you get it down to 12 BM's a week?

Ma'am, that is ridiculous. I don't

know. You have to go to the bathroom when

you have to go, right?But you're crapping

way over your quota. Each house has about



I'm not doing that. And you need to come

over here and let me talk to you in

person. Billy, be quiet. This is just

unreal. I mean, we have some fun sayings.

Also, hold it in. We all win. You

know, too many poos, we all lose. And if

we can all work together. We'll pay our

utilities. And I think that's Linette,

not ours. Yeah, but and I

trust you and you're both fantastic and I

love you both. But you say you eat out

and then you come home and you pinch a

loaf, you know?Give me your phone

number. What's your phone number?One

poop. No, that's not

Linette. Listen, I'm going to call and

check this out with the mayor tomorrow,

OK?With the

mayor. You don't know the

mayor. This is the most ridiculous phone

call I have got in my life. That's why I

believe it's some kind of a joke or

something. Well, it would be a pretty

silly joke. And I think that making a

joke about the environment, about

conservation and about duty is. I think

you've already made it so good. No, I got

it on tape. Just come over here, Ma.

You've got my address. BM's are my

life. Don't be a hog. Hold the log.

Hey, fellas. Right now, let's welcome to

the main stage of sexiest senior citizen

around Helen Higgins. Come on, fellas,

give it up. Please let me put my

fingers in your apple pie.

Chief Team Overs, may I help you?Yeah. Do

you move just about anything?

Pretty close. All right, I

got a little situation here.

My wife is... She's big.

Morbidly obese. She's about 600

pounds. And she she can't

be moved on her own. I mean, she doesn't

move, and I gotta get her to the

university hospital, and... Is that

something you guys could do?Are you

serious?Unfortunately, yeah. Um,

let me call the hospital and see if we

can... Well, listen,

don't worry about them. They wanted 3500

bucks to get her there. But I mean, maybe

you can tell us the easiest way to do it.

Well, I I seen it on Jenny

Jones. What I'm going to do is just

take out the bedroom window and part of

the wall and I'm going to forklift her

out to the front lawn. And then we just

need her to get from the forklift onto

the truck and to the ambulance entrance

at the hospital. Actually, I don't think

we could because no one can ride in the

back of the trucks. Why not?Because it's

against the law. Well, who's gonna know?

We just shut the gate up. Be like, um,

smoking the Bandit or something. No one's

gonna know. I guess we could.

I I mean, I I got the forklift already.

I'll pay cash. Yeah, I rented the

forklift and my brother-in-law can drive

the thing pretty good because he works in

a warehouse and he's gonna swing around.

I mean, if we can get the forks up under

the bed. And I mean, we're going to strap

her down and OK, you know, put a tarp

over her blanket and stuff so she doesn't

get cold. You you guys got a flatbed or a

stake bed?They're just actually moving

trucks. They're they're enclosed, but you

can fork it right onto the into the

truck. Now are we going to have to flag

her or are we going to be able to close

the door?We'll be able to close the door.

All right. What do you think something

like this would cost $148, our two

hour minimum?Yeah. And you guys got some,

does that include some furniture pads and

stuff like that?Yeah, the truck's fully

equipped. All right. I'm going to sedate

her pretty good before we do this because

she's a complainer. All right. Give her a

bunch of Valium or something. Valium and

well, it's a it's Robitussin, Valium

and peppermint schnapps. And she goes

out. It's like darting a rhino.

All right. You guys got that bubble wrap?

Oh no, we we have bubble wrap, but I

don't think we should bubble wrap her.

Here's what I'm worried about. I'm

worried about maybe when she's sedated,

her arm coming off the bed, the bed

rolling into the side and us denting up

her elbow pretty good. And we can strap

her down with tie downs if you want.

Yeah. All right, we'll use. Is that extra?

No. All right, so just we'll just use tie

downs on her. Not too tight. Oh yeah, you

could ride in the back with her, you

know, just make sure she doesn't wake up.

Well, I I don't want to get back there in

case you guys stop short and I don't want

to get pinned between the the side of the

cab and the bed, you knowYou know what

it's like making love to a 600 LB woman?

No idea. Imagine humping

a tremendous bean bag.

Are you a married guy?No, noYeah,

don't, don't, don't ever, don't ever,

don't ever. 109 lbs. This b*tch weighed

when I married her.



not 110. Damn.

How'd she just let herself go like that?

You know how it is. You you blink your

eye and she's morbidly obese. What's the

doctor gonna do for her?Well, they they

got this gastro bypass surgery

where they they put like a zip tie on her

on her gut and she can't hold nothing

down. And she can eat like a couple of

children's aspirin each day. And anything

more than that, she she heaves. Damn,

that's a good idea. Yeah, you know, you

know I don't know why I'm telling you

this, but one time I I got a little

sounced and I was havin' at her. Ten

minutes into it, I realized, I'm in a

fold. You know what that's like?I mean,

you you gotta take a good hard look in

the mirror the next morning. You're in a

fold. Fourteen years of marriage, I'm

havin' a fold. Man, I

feel for you. Yeah, yeah, you've been a

big help. No problem. Don't ever get

married. Ever. I won't. All right,

pal. All right, bye.

Confucius, say. Crowded

elevator. Smell different to m*dget

Get it?

Michelle Kitchen, can I help you?Hi.

Yeah, I'm calling cause I'm trying to

help my sister arrange a big family

reunion we're doing for about 35 people.

I want to spend about $100 per person

and I'm just calling to

see if you guys could help us out. Hold

on a second. OK. What's your name?Danny.

Hold on. Yes. May I help you, Danny?Yeah,

yeahI'm trying to help my sister cater

our family reunion we're having in town.

And we are expecting about 35

people. We want to spend around $100

per person. And I think what she had in

mind is, say, some seafood

appetizers and then with a

probably a chicken entree. And I wondered

starting with the. The seafood

appetizers. What kind of stuff do you

guys do?Do you do like a squid or prawns

or. Yeah, I tell you what we have. We are

in the catering.

Excuse me. Hello. Excuse me. I'm just.

I'm sorry. Hold on. Just. I just. I

have the stomach flu. Go ahead. I'm

sorry. OK. We have all what do

you code for us now.

Hello. Yeah, go ahead. I'm listening.

OK. The best way.

Oh, God, it's coming out my nose.

Oh, I am sorry. OK,

so you're telling me about the

appetizers.

Can you talk?Yes. Yeah, I could talk. I'm

sorry. OK, we have

all. What do you?

Hello. Yeah, hold on. Can you just give

me a minute?

I'm really sorry, but I'm under a lot of

stress and my sister is driving me

nuts about this thing. OK.

I'm so sorry. OK. OKWhy don't you let her

call us and we will respect her. I know,

I knowBut you know, you know how family

is. OK. Maybe if I can get through this.

OK. We have, we are in the catering

service for many years. OK. We have

the shrimps, we have the squid, we have

salmon, we have all kinds of different

fish. You need some appetizers and then

the dinner buffet. Uh, that's great. Now

what?Do you work with a caviar?

Yes. OK. What do you do with the caviar?

We could do caviar 10 different ways.

Hello.

What the hell is that?OK,

so you're telling me about the appetizers?

Communications. Is this the cable company?

Yes, it is. What the hell kind

of programming are you putting on

these channels?We're not putting any kind

of programming on the channels. Well, I

saw something. The channels are putting

that on. I just saw something that made

me want to crap. Sir, you do not

have to talk to me like that. I saw this

program with these sick

puppet things

making calls to people. With

dirty voices and dirty talk.

OK, I thought this was a nice

program for my

grandchild to watch. But we're not the

ones that make the decision as to what's

on TV. You remember Milton Berle?

I do. That was a funny man.

He dressed up like a h*m*

He would dress up like a big h*m*

and we would laugh. We'd laugh.

Oh, and he was endowed too. That

was a man who was a well endowed man.

And these days, these fellas

with their Jay Leno talking about

the president and his perversions.

Do I need to hear that?No, I don't think

so. And you all should be ashamed of

yourselves. That's a sick thing

you put on a TV right there. TV has

gotten a little strange. I was watching

m*rder, she wrote the other day, and

Angela Lansbury showed her

private parts. No,

Angela Lansbury used to be a

beautiful young girl with a

beautiful singing voice. And oh,

she was entertaining. And now she's

showing the private parts. I can't

imagine her doing this. And let me tell

you something, honey. I love to get

together and watch some nice, wholesome.

TV with you one day and show you my

private parts. Well, I don't think

that'll happen. OK, then. OK. You

have a good night, darling. You too. OK,

good night.