02x13 - Time to Eat/Cleanin' House

[bunniefuu]

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom.
[laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

♪ ♪

This is my show!

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

[Patrick laughs]

Go, go, go.

My, oh, my, this is
a tight race, folks.

Which of these two paint colors
will dry first?

Will it be Beige the Brisk Blur

or Turbo Throttle Tan?

I'm betting all
my green on beige.

This excitement is sure
making me hungry.

[chomping]

Oh-h*, it's so good.

- [gasps]

[both snoring]

- Psst, uh, Patrick,

I'm not sure watching paint dry
is, uh, quality entertainment.

- Oh, out of snacks already.

I can't watch
this race without snacks.

Give me one sec, folks.

[groans woozily]

Aah! Snacks?

Oh, snacks?

Snacks?

Here, snacky, snacky.

Hmm.

Barnacles.

There are no snacks
in my room at this time.

- Aah!
[buzzer blares]

- Time?
[gasps]

Time closet.

There's gotta be all sorts of
snacks throughout all of time.

- Ooh, a time travelogue
food show.

Now this'll be
quality entertainment.

- ♪ Bonjour ♪

♪ My name is Patrick
[chomps]

♪ I eat a lot of food ♪

♪ Fresh or not
or scalding hot ♪

♪ I'm always in the mood ♪

♪ I'll fly around the globe ♪

♪ To chew new things to chew ♪

♪ Through time and space,
I feed my face ♪

♪ That's right, folks ♪

♪ It's time to eat ♪

♪ Some food ♪

- Our first exotic food
location from a far-off time

is our kitchen
from two days ago.

[grunts]

Say, Past Patrick,

how's about you give me
a little taste of that?

- No. No, you get your own,
you Patrick.

- I'll give you


- Deal.

- Patrick, that's a lot
of money to just give away.

Think of our show's budget.

- Oh, I didn't
give anything away.

Time travel, remember?
[chuckles]

Oh, that guy's a real sucker.

Coming up next
on "Time to Eat"...

- Ah, 18th-century France,

the land of my ancestors.

All: We want cake.

We want cake.

- Sacre bleu, you are really
in a pickle this time, Marie.

- Ooh, très chic.

- Holy Spumoni!

Now that's what I call a cake.

I'm sure no one would mind

if I sneak a little taste.

[bell dings]
[chomping]

all: Cake! Cake! Cake!

- Fine.
If I give you a slice,

will you all go away
and leave me in opulent peace?

[crowd clamoring]

Let them eat cake.

All: Huh?

- Uh, hey.

You got any dessert
to wash down all this cake?

Huh?
[slurping]

- [gasps]

I am le offended.

All: We are le offended.

You promised us cake.

- Okay. Okay.

Don't get your potato sacks
in a twist.

- Oh, don't worry,
Mr. Queen, ma'am.

It's just cake.

Nothing to lose your head over.

- Yeah.

[snickers]
[blade shinging]

- Well, adios, muchacho.

All right, Squidina,
let's get going.

- [groans]

I am double le offended.

- You're watching
"Time to Eat."

- In the far-off future,

Captain Quasar fights
his worst foe yet...

[rumbles]
An empty tum-tum.

- Reheat popcorn.

[alarm beeping]
Clock? Gadzooks!

I'm just trying to make lunch,
not do rocket surgery.

Pat-Tron, use
your advanced robo-brain

to figure this machine out.

- Yes, sir.

Beep bo bo beep.

[grunting]

- Why do I even bother?

Aah!

- Our next tasty destination
is the future.

Chef Quasar, tell us all
about the food of the future.

[echoing]
Ture, ture, ture.

- [blithering]

Machine's operational.

- Ah, finally.

Mm-hmm.

Doesn't that look mouthwatering?

- That's future food?

That's not gonna fill me up.

- Au contraire.

A drop of water leads to...

a meal fit for a space fleet!

[chuckles]
Ain't that just spiff...

[screams]
[horn blares]

- What'd you say
about space feet?

- Great Scott, Patrick Star.

It's dangerous to consume that
many dehydrated feast pellets.

- It is?
Oh, what do I do?

What do I do?

- Quick, wash it down
with this water.

- Oh, good idea.

- No!

- [sighs]

[rumbling]
[gags]

Wow, I'm actually full for once.

- Oh, I knew we should
have ordered takeout.

- That's a waste
of space dollars.

Let's just get
the food outta that guy.

Both: Whoa.

- Hey, my food.

- [groans weakly]

- Squidina, I'm so hungry.

There's nothing left of me
but skin and even more skin.

- Don't worry, big bro,
I'm sure there'll be

something delicious
at the next destination.

No time to waste.

- "Time to Eat."

[bells ringing festively]

- Brr.

It's c-c-cold here.

- That reminds me
of my favorite cold foods.

Cold ice cream, cold cuts,

cold pizza
from the back of the fridge.

- Hello there.

Welcome to the snowbound
Donner party.

Are you hungry?

'Cause we sure are.

- Donner?

- Oh, must be
old fancy talk for dinner.

Uh, excohse moi.

Me want Donner puh-lease.

- Oh, we'd love
to have you for dinner.

[laughs]

George made an excellent stew.

- Howdy.

- Quiet, George.

[snickers]

- Stew?

- Nope, nope, nope, nopedy nope.

- Oh, come on.

I'd die for some Donner.

- Yes, you would.

- Hey.

- "T-t-t-time to Eat."

- Phew. Safe at last.

- [screeches]
- Aah!

- Relatively speaking.

- Oh, I haven't had
a meal in so long.

Minutes even.

I need something big.

[rumbling, hooting]

[hunters clamoring]

[lively music]

Oh boy.

Fast food.

- [gasps]
Patrick. Stop!

That's a woolly clammoth.

- [hooting]

- Out of my way, Meanderthals.

[grunts]
Yah!

- Patrick, no.

- [shouting]

[dramatic western music]

[grunts]

Now you're a sandwich.

- Stop, Patrick.

These beautiful animals
were hunted to extinction.

How could you eat
an endangered species?

- You're right, sis.

How could I?

Without any mustard.
- [screams]

- [laughs maniacally]

- [trumpets]

- [panting feverishly]

- [wincing]

- [whimpering]

[mournful music]

- [sobs]

No. I can't eat him.

He's so doggone cute.

[crying]
I'm sorry, big guy.

I'm sorry.

- Aww.

[all yelling]
- [growls]

- Hey, hey, hey, all right.

That's enough.

You're all hungry, right?

Well, I know a place

that's throwing
a very fancy dinner party.

[together]
Eh?

[odd electronic music]

♪ ♪

[together]
Oh boy, delivery.

- Ooh, alfresco.

- [trumpets]
- Well, it looks like

our friend, the woolly clammoth,

will live on.

- Huh?
This episode won't, though.

We're almost out of time.

So long, woolly clammoth.
[sniffles]

- We won't forget you.

- [cries, trumpets sadly]

[growls]

- Well, folks, thanks
for watching "Time to Eat."

We couldn't do it
without viewers like you.

[applause]

Now back to the real show.

- Oy.

- Welcome back, paint heads.

[gasps]

The audience,

they're all woolly clammoths?

What is happening?

- Well, if I had
to guess, Patrick,

I'd say by saving
the woolly clammoth

in the past, we caused
the woolly clammoth population

in the present to explode.

[audience boos]

- Okay, enough
with the sciency talk.

- Yeah, we expect
quality entertainment.

[all booing]

- Squidina, look.

They love the show so much,
they're giving us free food.

Finally.

It really is time to eat.

[chomping]

- [vocalizing]

[vacuum whirring]

[humming]

[light cheerful music]

♪ ♪

Good, clean television.

Hmm? Ha ha.

Yah.

Nyah. Nyah.

- [chomping]

- Nyah.

- Hey, I was eating that.

- Sorry, honey,
I just get carried away

when I'm cleaning.

[phone rings]
both: Ooh.

- Hello?

- Bunny.
- Oh, hi, Mom.

- Enough chitchat.

The town worm-hog
has passed away.

- [gasps] Sally Minilla?

No.

- Yeah, a real shame.

Anyway, she left
her inheritance to you,

her whole pigsty.

You'll have to come here
to claim it.

- I'll be there right away.

Oh, I'm so sad about Sally.

But, hey, free pigsty.

All right, everyone.

I am going to Klopnod
for a week to clean...

I mean, claim my inheritance.

And all of you will be
in charge of the house

while I'm gone.

- Bye, Mom.

Oh, back so soon?

- All righty then.
Toodle-oo.

- Mom!

What's for dinner?

- She's gone
for a week, remember?

- With mom away,

we're all gonna have
to pull our weight around here.

- You got it, Dad.

[chomping]

- That means cleaning up
your candy wrappers.

- But they usually
just disappear.

Like magic.

- Ooh, kind of like
my wet towels after I shower.

- Oh.
- Hey.

Ha.

[grim accordion music]

♪ ♪

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

[phone ringing]
Oh, hold on.

I've got another call.

Hello?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay, bye now.

Anyone know somebody named Mom?

- Yeah?

- She says
she's coming back home.

- Home? We gotta get
the place clean

before Bunny gets back.

- I ain't doing any...

[dolphin whistles]
Cleanin'.

- We'll start
with your filthy mouth, Dad.

- [gags]

- We need to split up.

Get those embalming fluids
flowing, mummy.

Mommy's coming home.

I'll take the kitchen.

Patrick, clean your room.

Dad'll take the bathroom.

And GrandPat will
clean the basement.

- I ain't... all right, already.

[grumbling]

Ugh.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Those idiots don't know
the first thing about cleaning.

[vacuum whooshing]

Huh?

[yells]

Oh, she's gonna blow.

- Ha ha.
- [gasps]

Hey there, little fella.

- [chuckles]

Get back here,
you filthy funnel.

[light playful music]

- Oh boy, this kitchen
is worse than I thought.

Time to get ultra-absorbent!

- Bobs away.

[gurgling]

[thickly]
Tastes like leftovers.

- The leftovers!

Last but not least,
let's clean out the old food.

[dramatic music]

- [roars]
- [grunts]

Hey, I'm the executive producer.

I do the yelling around here.

Now get to work.

- [whimpering]

- Cleanin' time.

[flies buzzing]

- [grumbling]

Mm-mm.

[grunts]

[bright music]

♪ ♪

[groans]

- Hey, Tinkle.

Hmm.

Bunny normally cleans you,
but let me give it a try.

- [growls]

- Aah!

Mm.

Time for plan B.

- Pshh, I bet my room is fine.

How bad could it be?

[creaking]

[stench sizzles]

[mysterious music]

Barnacles.

There's too much trash!

- [pants creepily]

Why don't you give it all to me?

I just love dirty laundry.

- You want my trash?

- Oh, yes.

- Trash that I, Patrick Star,

star of "The Patrick Show,"
have thrown out?

- Yes.

I love Patrick Star.

- Huh.
Never heard of me.

Here you go.
- Oh.

I will keep this
forever and ever.

[grunting]

[moans]

[angelic vocalizations]

- [sniffs] Ah,
the pine scent of success.

- Blurgh.

[crashing]

[both scream]

- [snickers]
- [exclaims]

You can twist,
but you can't hide,

you wicked wind.

- [giggles]

- Aah!

[door creaks]

- Hello, Tinkle.

- Huh?

- Mama's here.

Time for plan B.

B for Bunny.

- [growls]
- Oh.

Don't tell me I shaved
my legs for nothing?

- [laughing]

- [blathering]

- [yips]

[snarls]

[laughs]

[blows landing]

Wow, what
a helpful little demon.

A clean toilet is
a happy toilet.

- [snickers]

- Time for plan C.

C as in catch
that helpful little demon!

- [giggles evilly]

- Giddyap, GrandPat.
- [yells]

- One last piece.

And goodbye, garbage.

- I'm taking this to my grave,
where I sleep.

[doorbell chimes]

- Oh, must be that pizza
I don't remember ordering.

- [cackles]
- After that filthy brat.

- Get back here,
you nasty, nasty boy.

- [gasps] Hey, I want to play.

- [laughs]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

[all grunt]

- [laughs]

[all scream]

- [groans]

- [gasps]

- [laughs]
- [groans]

- No. No. Stay away.

This is my Patrick trash stash.

Mine.
- Whoo!

That tickles.

Do it again.

[frenetic music]

♪ ♪

- This is horrible!

My butt really itches.

- That's no itch.

- Huh?
- That's Mom's garbage stick.

- Hey, the magical candy wand.

- Yeah, use it to clean up
that dust devil.

- Mama taught me how.

Hey, dusty.

- [wails]

[gagging]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Hey, we defeated
the trash twister.

- And we still have time
to clean up

before Mom gets home.

[horn honks]

- Thanks
for the bumpy ride, taxi man.

- Mom!

She's real.

- But the house is
messier than before!

- Quick, let's just sweep
it all under the rag.

- [humming]

- [panting]

[tense music]

- [grunting]

♪ ♪

- [groans]

- I'm back!

All: Welcome home.

[cheerful music]

- Oh, I was hoping you'd leave
something for me to tidy up.

Oh, look at the carpet!

I'll just fix that.
[laughs]

all: No, no, no, no, no!

♪ ♪

- I just love
my fabulous, filthy family.