08x02 - k*lling the Messenger

[bunniefuu]

♪ Puking on the run ♪

♪ He swears that everyone ♪

♪ Is just a lousy, no-good boozer ♪

♪ Another welfare loser ♪

♪ Alas, his wife is just a big fat wh*re ♪

♪ And his son is rotten to the core ♪

♪ Oh, why do they all stay together ♪

♪ On Kevin Spencer ♪

[punk rock music]

Hi friends, did you
know that if you come down

to Bi Polar Sammy's Used
Cars for a test drive

right now, you'll be able to meet

famous national football
superstar, Dixon Kuntz!

Yes, another Canadian athletic hero

that we recruited from the United States.

I love it here in Canada,

it's almost as big as Russia

and less important than Ireland.

Holy frig, you're a worst actor

than you were a quarterback.

Uh, do you wanna buy one of our

quality used vehicles, sir?

[scoffs] Pass.

[laughs] Get it boy?

He's a football player and I said "Pass".

It's a great deal, they
have mechanics on site.

I bring my car here to get fixed everyday.

I said forget it.

See you in the loser's circle, joke boy.

[car hood slams]

[screaming]

Well, at least he's
convincing when he's in pain.

Hey let's catch this bus downtown.

[bus engine roars]

Yee-haw!

[upbeat music]

Don't know why your old lady's

gotta have these weird European cheeses.

Who's ever heard of Gorgonzola?

Sounds like a social disease.

[scoffs] 36 year combined
experience, what a scam.

So they hire three dozen morons

and technically they're
still telling the truth.

[enchanting music]

Hello, sir, I hope
you're feeling cheesy.

I need a pound of Gorgonzola cheese.

Oh, I'm afraid I can't do that sir.

What, why don't you got it?

What kind of f*cking cheese shop is this?

Oh, we do have Gorgonzola sir.

Oh, so what's the big frigging issue?

I'm afraid I can't help you

because you're our one millionth customer!

You're the winner of our

International Idolatry Be a Judge contest!

[horn blowing]

[groans] Everything's
a pissing contest.

Gorgonzola cheese already.

What's this guy's malfunction, boy?

Narrator: Kevin told the old man

that the cheesiest thing he'd ever seen

was the recent popularity of contests

celebrating the art of populist mimicry.

Kevin said he thought
humanity was being farmed,

and that the compliant disengaged bullshit

dog and pony shows were nothing more than

suffocating flaws for
ditch-dwelling bum scratchers.

Yeah, like that stupid
International Idolatry show.

What kind of f*cking sh*t is that?

Uh-oh, it sounds like
you're already a good critic.

Sir, we're telling you
that you've won a chance

to be on television.

[horn blowing]

Wow, I won a contest again.

Jeez, I sure got a shitty life

for a guy with such good luck.

Announcer: Okay fellas,

give it up for your last dancer, Shanelle.

Remember boys, Shanelle is available

for an extra special performance
in the Champagne Room.

Don't forget to bring a bib!

[upbeat music]

[person groaning]
[person laughing]

Thank goodness, now we
finally got a few minutes

private-like, boy, has it occurred to you

that it ain't normal for a kid your age

to be stuck in a strip
club watching your parents

spiraling down the shitter?

Narrator: Kevin told Allan

that he never entertained any illusions

and he represented a broader demographic.

We gotta think about the
future, you know what I mean?

How we gonna feather the
old nest in the event

things don't go the way we planned?

I met a guy and he's got very sweet offer

I'd like for you to consider.

Lenny Bruce, Jimi
Hendrix, John Belushi.

What's the one thing that destroyed them?

Drugs, what if I told
you that in the 1950s

the government developed a program,

a program to subdue
all counterculture art?

Hey Kevin, does that
sound great or what?

Who do you think
sold heroin to Hendrix?

Who made sure Lenny Bruce
had smack when he needed it?

I'm giving it was you fellas.

Affirmative, the
government identifies people

who produce counterculture
art and literature.

Then our undercover operatives move,

providing them regular fixes,
whatever drug they need.

Rock stars, writers, and
especially comedians,

whatever their needs.

We're a preemptive force,
we don't k*ll artists.

We simply help them destroy themselves,

with their own habits.

They call us The Firemen
because we extinguish dissent,

and based on a nucleotide profile

we did before you were born,

we think it's a job at which you'd excel.

C'mon Kevin, be a Fireman.

Everyone's into poison these days.

Narrator: Kevin said
he didn't give a sh*t

about their stupid job.

Kevin, wait no!

Narrator: Then he reminded Allan

who was calling the shots.

If the sh*t was about to come down,

he'd be the one to say how.

Then he told fascist shill

where he could stick his
part-time government job.

Okay, kid, it's your funeral.

Here, have a few gallons of
cough syrup before you go.

And here's my number, if you want more.

Narrator: Kevin thanked
the nice federal agent

for being such a good
sport about the whole deal.

Hey, what's that chick
doing going down on you?

This is supposed to be a
strip club not a wh*re house.

I think it's called touch-dancing.

And I think it's called prostitution,

I can't believe it's legal.

Now, go burn your bra someplace else.

Jesus, even when I was making pornos

I tried to use a condom.

Ain't ya afraid of getting infected?

[giggles] I already pretty
much got every disease.

I was talking to the stripper.

[liquid spilling]

We tried to get unionized before,

but for some reason the
bikers don't like it.

Yeah, don't go trying
to unionize the strippers,

the bikers will f*cking k*ll us.

I don't know what you're
so pissed off about anyway,

I got your cheese for you didn't I?

[funky upbeat music]

[door knocking]

How are you today, madam?

Like it's any of your f*cking business.

I'm a lawyer for the bikers.

Lawyer, ah, sh*t!

It would've been better
if they'd sent a b*mb.

This is a non-interference order

prohibiting you from actively
organizing the workers

on any property owned by the bikers,

or any of their respective
business interest,

as well, there's a clause in here about--

[door slam] Ow, my f*cking ba*ls!

Jeez, I wonder what I should do.

Hey, look at some of this
sh*t they've been sending me

for being on that
International Idolatry contest.

[groans] Will you get off that already?

[teeth gnashing]

It's one of them
new camera phones, see?

Now I can talk on the
cellphone and take pictures

at the same time.

[camera clicks]

What the hell good is that?

It's for taking pictures
of other people's credit cards

while pretending you're on the phone.

[camera clicks]

Hey, that is a good cellphone!

Then I use the card numbers right away

to make free long-distance calls.

Hello, is this China, but f*ck off.

That's some good
taking, that phone there.

Yeah, now who's the stupid one?

[groaning] Still you,
now if you'll excuse me,

I gotta go organize the picket line.

Ah, Christ.

[funky upbeat music]
[car engine roars]

You still here?

Jesus, what the hell do sex workers

got to be so angry about, wish I was one.

[group booing]

f*ck yous then.

Why don't you stop embarrassing me

in front of the neighborhood like this?

Yeah, I want one ticket to
see Shauna's laughing clam

and her t*ts too.

I think you'll find the caliber

of the talent has gone down a bit.

[door slams]

Thanks for coming to the show, sir.

[coughing]

We apologize for our labor disputes.

But I assure you that--

[clears throat]

We assure you management

will ensure the shows
continue as scheduled.

Oh, all right fellas, it's showtime.

Let's hear it for your next stripper,

the homeless woman we
found at the bus shelter.

♪ Play with me ♪

Holy sh*t, I've heard
about scab labor before

but not real scabs.

Coming up later, see
our next amateur stripper.

Yes, Mrs. McNaughton
will take off her clothes

and fold them immaculately.

[group booing]
[Percy screaming]

[head slams] You'll see.

You'll all see when I'm a big TV star.

Later tonight on News Hits,

should the government privatize essentials

like liquor and rolling papers?

Our reporters find out.

And now, back to the brain-dead
chum you call entertainment.

[laughing] I'm your
host, Dicky Smithians

back for the second half

of International Idolatry Talent

Impersonating Contest of Mimicry.

I thought your
performance was very, shaky.

[audience laughs]

Yes, with a panel of bitchy judges

and five computer nerds spanning the net

so it looks like thousands.

We've taken legions of
vaguely educated dimwits

and asked them to give their all

to be ridiculed on world-wide television.

[audience cheering]

And what did you think
of my singing, Mr. Spencer?

Yes [laughs] let's ask our
raw cattiest judge, Percy.

She's f*cking terrible.

I heard better sounds coming
out of arse in bed last night,

and I've been eating cheese. [laughing]

So whatcha doing later?

You know, after we toss
you from the contest?

Oh, I've looked into other options.

[screaming]

Ah, since when is
it original to be mean?

f*ck off, I'm a big deal now, get it?

Look out that window.

Now that I'm on TV, I'm a big star.

Whole front yard's covered with reporters.

[sirens wailing]

Yeah, that's right, I'm a big celebrity.

Everybody, kiss my a*s now.

Actually, we're here
to find out how it feels

to be the bum who destroyed the career

of one of the greatest football
players in league history.

Ah, for frigs sake,
he wasn't that sh*t hot.

Besides, it's time we got sports stadiums

back for what they were
meant for, firing squad.

[crowd booing]

[door slams]
Holy sh*t, lock the backdoor!

Hey, what's going on out there?

Hey, some arsehole's dumping
manure on our front lawn.

[electric sizzling]

And now it looks like they cut the power.

I'm not blind for f*ck's sake.

Look, it ain't no big deal.

Remember we had that
blackout a few years back?

Wasn't so bad.

Seems I remember we even
got kind of romantic.

Ah, frig!

Oh sure, it was great.

Except you went upstairs
and brushed your teeth

with hemorrhoid cream and
slicked your hair with a**l lube.

Yeah, well then I'll
see you tomorrow night

when I'm judging the
big finals on live TV.

[funky upbeat music]

[burping]

Jeez, I can't help but feeling like

there's something I was
supposed to do today.

Unfortunately because
our favorite judge, Percy

didn't show up, we've replaced him

with a member of some 70's rock band.

We were called The Octagons,

we were almost as big as Octavian.

Nobody cares, really.

Frig, that's right.

I was supposed to be judging
that TV sh*t, I totally forgot!

That's what I get for staying
up all night sending pictures

to some woman with my new camera phone.

[phone dials]

[camera clicks]

Maybe I can still get
there in time, c'mon boy.

[upbeat music]

Wait, [giggling] I'm just
being told we've connected live

by a satellite to Mr.
Spencer's home. [laughing]

Anastasia, where's your husband?

Oh, I don't know where
the lousy bum is. [gasping]

Did you try the community center?

Sometimes he puts on a
trench coat and goes to watch

the [gasping] women playing ringette.

We're all hoping he
turns up, Mrs. Spencer.

Now, here's our first singer
Gene from The Maritime

singing "Like a Virgin",
which seems unlikely.

Actually, tonight I'll be
singing my own composition.

[clears throat]

♪ There was a time ♪

♪ When I felt a love ♪

♪ So deep ♪

♪ That I felt I-- ♪

[drums smashing]

Frig!

[drums smashing]

I'm here, I made it.

Hey, who's the old prick in my seat?

Percy Spencer, but you
disappeared! [gasping]

We've already replaced you.

Replace, you can't
replace me, you need me!

Sorry Percy, but much like
the superstars we discover

on our show, you're
thoroughly replaceable.

But don't worry, [laughing]

we still got on-air opportunities for you.

Replaceable, boy?

Hear what that jerk said?

"Even you're replaceable"?

Narrator: Kevin said it was impossible

to stay the hand of time,

and that some day they'd both be worm food

just like everybody else.

It was time for him

to use some common sense, that's for sure.

So he told Allan they should
go to the occult store

and purchase some supernatural charm,

to conjure up a curse.

[glass shattering]

[gulping]

Hey, you're the arsehole

who broke our star quarterback's hand!

You're not getting the whole story.

He was coming on to me.

Yeah, and your wife's been organizing

the strippers into a union.

Well so, she's allowed
to have her own life.

Look, you'll understand when
I tell you the whole story.

[burping]

[glass cups clicking]

So all the sh*t going on in this town,

no strippers, no football,
that's your wife's fault?

Yeah, she organized the strippers

and then made me go out for cheese

so I'd break the football guy's hand.

sh*t, why'd I even marry her,
that's what I wanna know.

Love sucks, don't it?

[lighter strikes]

Yeah, I used to love her.

Guess I was impressed by
all them cesarean scars.

I didn't know whether at
times she could burp, orgasm,

and smoke a Montecristo
all at the same time.

And then there's the
sweet way her bronchitis

makes her throat whistle in her sleep.

That's nice Percy, but we gotta go.

There was a time we had sex so hard

it turned the clapper
on the hose on and off.

We're gonna pay for our beers now.

Yeah, never thought
it would get this bad.

But I guess this day comes
in every relationship.

I have to hire someone to k*ll the wife.

Don't suppose you guys are
free for a few hours, are you?

[upbeat music]

Narrator: After all of
Allan's paranoid rhetoric,

Kevin started seeing signs
foreshadowing something big.

Even the liquor store seemed
to be offering bizarre clues.

[monkeys screeching]

Welcome to Madame
Shaballah's Fortune-Telling,

Sexual Curios and Business College.

Narrator: Kevin asked
the old lady if she knew

how to make a curse.

Eh, hoodoo-voodoo for you-do, I do!

Narrator: Kevin told the witch doctor

he needed a real sweet curse

because he needed to
get back at some people.

You are in identity flux.

This is a vial of quantum antitoxin.

Whenever you feel in danger,

shatter the bottle, and the
torrential super-streams

of the furies shall unleash
their terrible justice.

[calm dramatic music]

Narrator: Kevin thanked the
old lady for the cool drugs.

Here's my number in case you need more.

I work for the government.

[rock music]

Jesus, do you gotta
do that in the kitchen?

Pipes is frozen upstairs.

[screeching]

How come you're not out striking

with all your wh*re friends?

I got tired of organizing.

Oh, so I guess you're
done with that then?

Yeah, I got a hard enough
time organizing a dump.

Hey, I got good news for you too.

I called that football
guy, and he says he's sorry

for the way people have been treating ya.

He's gonna say so on
the news and everything.

Great, I--

Ah, for f*ck's sake.

Hey, what's up your arse?

I thought you'd be happy.

I am, except now you've gone

and done all this nice sh*t
for me, I feel all guilty.

What for?

'Cause I was so mad at you,

I hired a couple of guys to k*ll you.

[g*n sh**ting]
[glass shattering]

Oh, sh*t!

Hit the deck, baby!

Biker: Time to take your medicine!

I'm real sorry, I didn't
know I'd stop hating you.

Percy, this is the
worst you've ever done.

I swear I'll make it up to you, ma.

I'll go down on you and everything.

You better buy a snorkel

'cause you's gonna be down there awhile.

[g*n sh**ting]

[door bangs]

Guys, guys listen, I
don't want my wife k*lled.

That check I gave you was no good anyhow.

What?

You screwed us over?

Well then we'll just
have to k*ll you Spencer

for ruining the town's football team.

Oh, hang on there
fellas, you outta line.

[soft bright music]

That's right, I'm Dixon
Kuntz, famous quarterback.

[gasping] Dixon Kuntz!
[gasping] Dixon Kuntz!

Listen guys, I was coming over here

to tell Percy something,
but I'm gonna tell you too.

Sports is just supposed to be fun.

I'm ashamed of the way y'all community

has treated the Spencer's.

Yeah.

Do you ever shut up?

No.

Percy, you made a mistake
just like any one of us.

I did it on purpose, stupid.

That's it!
[glass shattering]

So before you start judging Percy,

try looking at yourselves.

Look how small and
insignificant your lives must be

for you to place this
much importance on a game.

He's right, we're nothing.

That's right, losers.

Don't be losers, fellas.

Be a winner,

like me.

Yeah, and hey I know something

that will make us famous real quick too.

Really?

[upbeat music]

Jeez, he sure was a nice
guy saving our arses like that.

Too bad he died, speaking of which,

really, I was way out of line

putting that contract out on you.

Well, you know the old saying,

"You always k*ll the one you love."

Who the f*ck said that?

Ah, shut up, let's watch
a little "Idolatry Show."

Hey Kevin, you're blocking the TV.

Yeah you make a better
door than a window numbnuts,

get out of the way.

[glass shattering]

What the?

This sucks, change the channel.

I can't, little son of a b*tch

must have painted it on the screen.

Well, then put in a movie.

Christ, why do you always gotta be

such a dumb son of a--

[upbeat rock music]