07x09 - One Grand Annoyance

[bunniefuu]

[water bubbling]

[bell dings]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Oh, not this crap again

Announcer: The following
episode of "Kevin Spencer"

is brought to you in Annoy-o-rama!

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specifically designed to push
you, the viewer's, buttons.

By fully utilizing this new technology

we have been able to produce
the most annoying half hour

of television ever conceived.

So sit back and just try to make it

through the whole episode
without turning the channel.

Go ahead, we dare you!

[thunder rumbling]

[rain pattering]

[family chomping]

Hey, Ma, you's gonna have

to change the slogan
on your business card.

Don't bug me, I'm eating.

[liquid slurping]

What?

Don't bug me, I'm eating.

What?

Don't bug me, I'm eating.

What?

Don't bug me, I'm eating.

What?

[Mom chomping]

I said don't bug me, I'm eating.

[rain pattering]

[tires screeching]

I thought you said,
"I'm ugly when I'm peeing."

What?

I thought you said,
"I'm ugly when I'm peeing."

What?

[motor revving]
[liquid slurping]

I thought you said,
"I'm ugly when I'm peeing."

What?

[tires squealing]

I thought you said,
"I'm ugly when I'm peeing."

Well I didn't.

Well now I know, but before I didn't.

I know.

[family chomping]

[liquid slurping]

[cat hacking]

[horn blaring]
[cat yowling]

Hey, ya Spencers!

Hey, Charlie, where's you's going?

I can't hear you.

My horn's stuck.

I can't hear you.

Your horn's stuck!

What?

My horn's stuck!

His horn's stuck!

[card flapping]

[liquid slurping]

Why is everyone screaming?

Narrator: Kevin said it was

because Charlie's horn was stuck.

[Dad coughing]
[liquid slurping]

[horn blaring]
[Dad wheezing]

[Dad coughing]
[horn blaring]

[bones cracking]

[door creaking]

[Dad laughing]

Where are you going?

Going over to The Toe!

[gears grinding]

[tires squealing]

[rain dripping]

[cat hacking]

[horn blaring]

[metal grinding]

[engine revving]

Oops!

I guess I forgot about
all the extra weight.

Is you's calling me fat?

Uh, no, no.

I would not--

I can't hear you!

[window creaking]

f*cking window's stuck, eh?

Yeah, the window's stuck.

Too much f*cking dirt in it!

It's all gummed up!

Yeah, it's all gummed
up from the too much dirty.

I bet if you just
open and close it some

all the dirt will get out.

[window creaking]

[siren wailing]

[window creaking]

f*ck this!

I'm gonna go get hammered.

[Dad screams]

[knuckles cracking]

♪ Take the time to realize ♪

♪ I'm the one you need ♪

♪ Open your eyes, yeah ♪

♪ Open your heart and see ♪

Jesus, Marty, turn
that f*cking sh*t off.

Can't.

I lost the keys to the stereo cabinet.

Narrator: Kevin suggested
that he might wanna consider

getting off his fat, useless a*s

and maybe shutting off
the power to the stereo.

Can't.

Beer coolers and washroom
lights are on the same breaker.

Ah!

That's the stuff!

What'll it be?

Draft.

Narrator: Kevin ordered the same.

[gears grinding]

I'll tell you.

There's nothing like
loosening the old joints.

Draft it is then.

You got an ID, boy?

Make it three, Marty.

Four.

Geez, Charlie, we
ain't tied one on with you

in a long time.

Well, you know, I was
kinda shy to come around

because of the last time

when Percy thought we was
having sex with each other

just because he found us naked
in the same bed together.

How many times I
gotta f*cking apologize?

There ain't enough ways to say it

to make up for all the
disappointment you've caused me.

Speaking of your disappointment,

you putting out tonight

or should I be holding some
of my drinking money back

to get a wh*re?

I mean hooker.

I mean prost*tute.

I mean a woman who'll have sex with me

in exchange for a
predetermined amount of money,

based on specific things
I would like her to do

to designated areas of my person.

That was close.

I wouldn't think you's
with someone else's honeypot.

Hey Kevin?

You got a smoke and a light?

[lighter clicks]

Thanks, so where the f*cking beer at?

Narrator: Come to think
of it, thought Kevin,

it did seem to be taking quite some time

for Marty to be getting the drinks

so Kevin decided to
throw an ashtray at Marty

so he could get his attention

and ask him just what in
the name of sweet holy hell

was going on.

[ashtray thuds]

[music skips]

Lay off with the throwing, a*s hole.

It ain't karaoke night.

What the hell's taking so long?

Yeah, Marty, I'm dying!

I'd be lying if I said

I wouldn't mind a little
beer myself, Marty.

Yeah, and I'd be lying if I said I gave

a flying, broken f*ck what
any of ya numb nut assholes

thought about anything.

The f*cking draft line's got air in it

so none of you are
getting a god damn thing

until I clear it out.

So just sit there patiently
or so help me god,

I'll f*cking k*ll every one of you!

[music skipping]

[air whooshing]

[beers clattering]

[beer glugging]
[music skipping]

You's up for a game of stick, Charlie?

Trooper, see it!

You wanna maybe put something
on it to make it interesting?

[music skips]

Um...

How's $700,000 sound?

You've got that kind of money?

Of course not.

Then let's make it $50
and you've got a deal.

[bones creaking]

[music skipping]

sh*t!

Boy, go get Mama some smokes.

Narrator: As ideas went,
Kevin didn't much like

the sounds of this one.

So he told the old lady that
if she was so damn hard up

for smokes that she
should get off her fat,

lazy a*s and get her own.

Tell you what.

If you's get me smokes I'll give ya $10,

and I promise that if you ever decide

to k*ll your daddy I'll help.



and as far as the old man is concerned,

well, you never know
when it'll come to that.

I say you take the deal.

[cat hacking]
[music skipping]

Hey, get out of here,
you mangy, bug-infested,

f*cking disgusting animal!

My money's as good as anyone else's.

I was talking to the cat.

[cat hacking]
[Annie screaming]

I didn't even see the f*cking thing.

[metal creaking]

That'll be $5.26.

One, two,

three, four, five,

[gasps] six, seven, eight,

[gasps] nine, 10, 11,







[gasps] 21, 22, 23,



well, how about that?

I don't have enough pennies.

I'll just have to give
you a loanie instead.

No problem.

Sorry, all I have are nickels and pennies.

Well, aren't we a fine pair?

It would seem.

Now let's see.

There's five, 10, 15,







[coins scraping]

Thank you.

[steps thudding]

My pleasure, ma'am.

You have a nice day.

Just a moment.

[door closes]

[singer screeching]
That's better.

Now, what can I get for you?

Narrator: Kevin asked the
man for two packs of smokes.

[chalk scratching]
[music skipping]

Uh, I'm trying to sh**t here, Percy.

Sorry.

[nails scratching]

[ba*ls clacking]

You cheating son of
a b*tch, Percy Spencer!

f*ck you, my hand slipped.

You know I hate that sound!

I ain't paying you for that game.

Well how the hell
was I supposed to know

you hate that sound?

Because I told you the
first six times you did it.

Give me the 50 bucks, Charlie.

I ain't giving you no $50.

Oh, we'll just see about that.

[nails scratching]
[Charlie screeching]

[Percy laughing]

[cat hacking]
[Charlie screeching]

[music skipping]
[horn blaring]

[Percy laughing]
[dog yelping]

[Charlie screeching]

Okay, okay, okay.

You can have the $50, Percy.

Just make it stop.

Please!

Just make it stop!

[nails scratching]

[chalkboard slams]

[music skips]

[lighter clicks]

[Annie coughing]
[dog yelping]

Get your f*cking
dog out of here, Kevin.

Narrator: Kevin said
that it wasn't his dog

and that he could rest assured

that if he ever did get a dog,

he'd make right damn sure it
was one of the big vicious kind

that you see on the news
after they maul someone.

[Annie coughing]

[Marty blowing his nose]

Well, you're the one who let him in.

So you get rid of it
or I'm cutting you off.

[Marty blowing nose]

Narrator: Kevin didn't
much cotton to the idea

of taking orders.

But since he had no booze at home

and was too young to drink
in or had been banned

from every other bar in town,

Kevin figured he might
better get rid of the dog

and quick before something
horrible like sobriety happened.

[music skipping]
[Annie coughing]

[cat hacking]

[dog yelping]
[flies buzzing]

[styrofoam scraping]

Geez, you're right, Annie.

That is an annoying sound.

[styrofoam scraping]

[flies buzzing]
[Annie coughing]

[electricity buzzing]

What the f*ck?

Looks like the power's went out, Marty.

No sh*t, ya redneck c*cksucker.

Can't we all just agree

that you should both shut the hell up

and get me another draft?

I can't.

The taps don't work without power.

Hey!

Where you going?

I still got bottled beer.

f*cked if we's paying
bottled beer prices.

I hope y'all rot in hell,

ya good for nothing sons of b*tches!

Jesus, god damn, f*cking sh*t, Christ!

Well, I'm calling it
a day and going to bed.

Narrator: Kevin pointed out to his mom

that even though they were poor alcoholics

going to bed at 2:30 in
the afternoon was pathetic,

even for them.

[jackhammer drilling]

Yeah, well, if you's find
a good reason to be awake

and not drinking, you's
come and get me out of bed.

I got that 50 bucks from Charlie.

Come on, family, let's
get a bucket of chicken

and eight bottles of really cheap wine.

[jackhammer drilling]
[sirens wailing]

[family chomping]
[flies buzzing]

[silverware scraping]

[Percy snoring]

[silverware scraping]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Percy: Um...

[water bubbling]

[bell dings]