07x08 - Quest

[bunniefuu]

[water bubbling]

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Not this crap again.

[eerie music]

[television crackling]

[snoring]

[g*n clicking loudly]

What's going on, Kevin?

You hear something?

Narrator: Kevin told
Allen that he had dream

and that they had to steal
a car and hit the road

as quick as they could because they needed

to go on a journey.

You sure that just
ain't the thinking part

of your head getting all
confused from the cough syrup?

Narrator: Kevin had to agree
that Allen's analysis made

a certain amount of sense.

Nevertheless, he couldn't
shake the feeling

that there was something
important he had to do.

And since he didn't have a job,

had pretty much given up on
school and, for the most part,

hated living with his
self-serving, alcoholic parents,

he couldn't really see
any reason not to go.

Once again, the goose has
been trumped by the clear

and analytic machinations of your mind.

Let us depart.

Narrator: Let us
depart, indeed, said Kevin.

But first, let us steal
all of my parent's money

and cigarettes.

How you ain't win a f*cking
Nobel Prize yet is beyond me.

[snoring]

[eerie sneaky music]

[television crackling]

[lighter clicking]

Uh-oh, now what is we gonna do?

Narrator: Kevin pretty much knew

that the old man wouldn't
let him steal his wallet

or lend him money and cigarettes

but he also knew he had a bad heart.

So Kevin figured the very best thing to do

was to frighten him so severally
that he had another stroke

and was unable to defend himself
when Kevin took his stuff.

Cruel yet funny, not
to mention, ingenious.

[dramatic music]

[intense music]

[expl*si*n booming]

[snoring]

Well, that didn't work for sh*t.

Now whatta we gonna do?

Narrator: As near
as Kevin could figure,

if the old man was so liquored
up that he didn't feel

a good-sized firecracker
exploding on his genitals,

then he likely wouldn't
hear them sneaking around

and stealing his money and cigarettes.

[snoring]

[silly music]

[television crackling]

[snoring]

It's like he's got some
sort of physic connection

to his vices.

This may be more difficult
than first envisioned.

Narrator: Kevin agreed
with his imaginary friend

that it would indeed be an onerous chore

but that they owed it to themselves

to make sure they didn't leave
the house until his father

was splayed on the floor,
heinously impaired by a stroke

and clutching his chest.

Remember kids, just because
something is difficult to do,

doesn't mean you should stop trying.

Nobody likes a quitter.

Announcer: The proceeding
message was brought to you by

The Canadian Federation of
Tobacco Growers and Distributors.

For those under 18

and not concerned whether
others think you are cool

and can make your own
decisions like an adult,

please ignore.

[snoring]

[bouncy intense music]

[camera clicking]

[dramatic music]

[snoring]

[giggling]

[terror-stricken music]

[screaming]

f*ck!

Man-beast!

Oh, my eyes, they burn!

[heart thumping loudly]

Oh, f*ck, there it goes.

Your

mother

naked.

Horrible.

Terrifying.

Oh, need doctor and

puke bucket.

Narrator: Kevin told
his dad that he would call

for help from somewhere on
the road if he remembered

or started caring.

[breathing loudly]

[funky upbeat music]
[crickets chirping]

[car engine rumbling]

So what in the name
of sweet blessed hell

is going on, boy?

Narrator: Kevin told his
imaginary friend, Allen,

that he had seen a vision
while he was sleeping

and that he now knew what
his mission on earth was.

Oh, so that's just super.

So do tell my young
rapscallion friend, do tell?

Narrator: Kevin told the bird,

all in good time, all in good time.

Because it lent an air of
mystery to their whole adventure

and because he pretty
much didn't have any clue

what he was doing or why he was going

but he didn't want the bird to know that

because then he might
think he was a moron.

Whatever, don't mean sh*t
to me one way or the other.

You see, boy, I'm a
figment of your imagination

and exist totally and entirely
in the depleted wasteland

of your head.

So that means that this
entire conversation

is of your creation, in short,

yous hear voices.

Narrator: Kevin started to laugh

because he sometimes forgot
he was mentally unbalanced

and whenever he had a
rare moment of clarity

on the issue he couldn't
help but think it was funny.

Then he laughed so hard
he lost control of the car

and drove straight off a bridge.

Which he thought was less funny.

[screaming]

[water splashing]

[dramatic music]

Save the smokes!

Save

the smokes!

[water splashing]

I told you, you should've
let me drive but no.

Narrator: Kevin wasn't real
happy about losing the car

but this was no time to
sit around and feel sorry

for himself because he
had a mission to fulfill.

[boat rumbling]

Are you okay, kid?

I saw what happened and
since I am a Good Samaritan

and genuinely concerned for
the wellbeing of my fellow man,

I figured I'd come and
see if you were all right.

[lighthearted music]

[dramatic music]

Announcer: Every year
people are k*lled by teenagers.

Don't let yourself be one of them.

Brought to you be

The Federation of Paranoid, Middle-Aged,

Fear Mongers Terrified by Youth Culture.

[water splashing]

[boat rumbling loudly]

Damn you, youth culture!

Damn you to hell!

[funky upbeat music]

Oh, for the love of Pete.

Narrator: As near
as Kevin could figure,

they were out of gas.

Mostly because the gas gauge said empty.

Well, ain't you just
a f*cking Einstein.

Jesus, how many years in
science class did it take

for you to possess such
staggering power of deduction,

oh, wise one?

Narrator: Kevin told Allen

that he didn't much think
sarcasm was doing a whole lot

in the way of helping things.

So what now?

Narrator: Kevin said not to worry

because the river was flowing
in the right direction

to take them to their destination.

Well, how in the f*ck do you know that?

Narrator: Kevin couldn't
explain except to say

that he had, had a vision

and that he just knew
they were still going

in the right direction

but that there were many
miles yet to travel.

Well, that's just grand
Columbus and just so yous know,

I ain't doing no paddling!

Narrator: As near as Kevin
could figure neither was he

since one of the best things
about rivers outside of being

a convenient place for major
corporations to dump tons

of toxic chemicals

and waste was that the
current did the work for you.

As near as Kevin figured,

as long as you are moving
in the right direction,

there wasn't much point
in not just sitting

and getting so hammered on cold medication

that he passed out.

[bottle smashing]

[gentle music]

[birds chirping]

[water splashing]

[forlorn music]

Stupid mountain goat,
thinks he's so cool.

I'll show you.

[lively music]

[tractor rumbling]

[eerie music]

Hey!

Hey, kid!

You look poor and unwashed, kid.

I don't know what you think you're doing

in this neighborhood but
you don't belong here.

Narrator: Kevin told the
man that it was a free country

and that he could go
anywhere he g*dd*mn pleased.

Damn you to hell,

you lower class
poverty-stricken miscreant.

If only there was some way
to keep people like you out!

Still thinking gated
communities aren't for you?

Think again.

[magical joyful music]

[bird chirping]

The schools are great

and I don't have to worry about
leaving my doors unlocked.

[children giggling]

[ball thudding]

[window smashing]

It's about peace of
mind and family values.

I never felt this safe when
I lived on the outside.

I don't have to worry
about my kids getting involved

with drugs and drive-by shootings

because there aren't any
dirty immigrants living here.

Just because you feel
sorry for poor people

and the coloreds doesn't mean
you have to live with them.

My mommy and daddy taught me that

and now I'm going to grow up happy!

Brought to you by the good
people at Whiteheaven Acres.

Keeping the poor and colored
people out since 1984.

Narrator: Kevin didn't
much care for the man's view

on the current class structure of society

so he figured he'd strike a
blow for poor people everywhere

and crank him a sweet one in
the knees with a boat oar.

The man collapsed quicker

than common sense at a NRA meeting.

Stupendous Kevin!

Now, let us steal his
lawnmower and ride off

and renew our progress towards.

Well, whatever the f*ck it is we're doing.

[funky bouncy music]

[man wailing]

[lawnmower rumbling]

[cars honking]

[laughing]

Go even slower, Kevin.

See if you can get them sons
of b*tches even more angry.

Narrator: Kevin sure did like the idea

of annoying the people behind him.

Even more than he already had.

So he decided to take
things one step farther

and just park the lawnmower

in the middle of the lane
right beside the bridge.

Just so none of the ignorant
b*stards could get uppity

and pass on the shoulder.

Than to make sure no
one got the bright idea

of rolling the lawnmower out of the way,

he snapped the key off in the ignition

and kicked the shifter so it
couldn't move out of park.

[shifter banging]

Even though that was probably enough,

he set the whole thing on fire anyway.

Mostly because he liked
to watch things burn.

[flames roaring]

Uh-oh, boy.

That there's an angry mob coming.

We'd best hightail it
the f*ck out of here.

Lest we feel the wrath of their anger.

[mob yelling]

[intense fast-paced music]

[train horn blaring]

[train rumbling]

[breathing loudly]

Jesus, Kevin, your breathing
is crazy heavy and erratic.

Have a smoke and calm down.

Narrator: Kevin wasn't
a licensed physician

but he was pretty sure one of
the last things you should do

if you were having trouble
breathing was to smoke.

But since that was never the kind of thing

he much cared about in the first place

and since he figured all
doctors were blowhard a-holes,

he figured that in the long run,

it made more sense to listen

to the advice of the
imaginary talking bird

that lived in his head.

Attaboy, Kevin.

Embrace your mental illness.

[footsteps thumping]

You got an extra one for
a fellow man on the road?

Narrator: Kevin hadn't
noticed the unwashed homeless man

in the corner but now that
he did, he also couldn't help

but notice the man had a bottle of wine

and Kevin sure did like the
idea of taking the edge off

of what had so far been a pretty busy day.

Have that pack of smokes,
let you have this bottle.

Deal?

[playful bouncy music]

Don't jump the g*n, boy.

I mean, sure we could be equitable

and split our resources 50/50
or we could, oh, I dunno,

k*ll him!

And take 100% of what we want.

Narrator: There was no
arguing that the upside of

Allen's plan had a greater
payout but Kevin was tired

and figured that offing the hobo

would be a whole lot of work.

So he agreed to trade
some smokes for booze.

Thanks, kid.

You're a lifesaver.

[train rumbling]

[screaming]

[wine gurgling]

What a fortuitous turn of events.

Let us pray to our Gods in thanks.

[wine gurgling]

[gentle music]

♪ It's a lovely day ♪

♪ Everything is where it should be ♪

♪ It's another day for you and me ♪

♪ As the time goes passing by ♪

♪ I know that we can get by ♪

♪ It's a lovely day ♪

♪ Everything is where it should be ♪

♪ It's another day for you and me ♪

[bottle smashing]

[train rumbling]

Oh, yeah, that's some good drugs.

Now what?

Narrator: Kevin told
his imaginary friend

that he could sense
they were getting closer

to their destination

but that there was still
many miles to travel.

Well, if that's the case,

the bird's gonna get some shut-eye.

Narrator: Kevin was pretty tired too.

He sure did like the idea
of slipping into a long,

hazy binge of semi-restless,
alcohol-induced sleep

because that was his favorite kind.

Just before he nodded off though,

he imagined Allen
passing wind so violently

that he shot off like a rocket.

[intense music]

[farting loudly]

Allen: c*cksucker!

[giggling]

[peaceful music]

[crickets chirping]

[owl hooting]

[dramatic music]

[feet thumping]

Hey, wake up!

Hey!

Jesus, you're just a kid.

Riding the rails ain't safe, son.

I'm supposed to arrest you but.

Oh, hell, I can't run in no kid.

Tell you what, get your
things and get outta here.

If anyone asks I never saw you.

You all on your own, kid?

[somber music]

Got any money?

Okay, here you go, son.

Now skedaddle and be
careful stepping down.

[thudding loudly]

[uplifting music]

He was a nice fella.

Kind of restores your faith in mankind

meeting someone like that.

Narrator: As near
as Kevin could figure,

his personality pretty much
bell curves society back down

to where it was.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

I'm just saying.

Nice guy.

[bouncy funky music]
[crickets chirping]

[shrieking]

[playful music]

[giggling]

[crickets chirping]

[giggling]

[bicycle thudding]

So what's the skinny, boy?

Is this the place?

Do you know for sure?

Narrator: Kevin told his friend, Allen,

that he was sure they
were in the right spot

and that their journey was complete.

Don't seem like much
of f*ck all is going on.

Narrator: Kevin said to be patient

and that even though he
didn't understand why,

he felt it in his bones that
something good was going

to happen and they were supposed
to be here to witness it.

[crickets chirping]

[birds tweeting]

[intense music]

[car engine rumbling]

[crickets chirping]

[birds tweeting]

Kevin, I don't wanna
be a naysayer or nothing

but it's been a couple of days and, well,

not much of anything
seems to be happening so.

I was thinking.

[dramatic music]

[stick tapping]

[old man mumbling]

[dramatic intense music]

[old man thudding loudly]

[laughing loudly]

Jesus, I should've never doubted you, boy.

[laughing]

Narrator: Kevin had to agree

because if he learned
one thing in this life,

it was that if you ever had a chance

to see an elderly blind person fall down,

then you'd haver to be crazy
plumb-crazy not to take it.

[laughing loudly]

[car engines rumbling]

[upbeat music]

[truck engine hissing]

[bus rumbling]

[brakes squeaking]

[thudding loudly]

[bouncy funky music]

[giggling]

[tires squealing]

[bus smashing]

[expl*si*n booming]

[peaceful gentle music]

[energetic rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Allen: You are on a triumph
that speaks to the whole

of mankind's capacity for
intellectual enterprise.

[water bubbling]