07x06 - The Heroic Spencers

[bunniefuu]

[bubbles popping]

[playful music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Not this crap again.

[upbeat music]

Sweet suffering hell, this
line's slower than the boy.

f*ck' Toad's gonna
be open in 15 minutes.

If I ain't there for first call,

my streak's gonna be broken.

[Hawaiian music]

Come on, f*ck.

He's right f*ck, come on, f*ck, f*ck.

That is quite enough.

Your manners are deplorable,

not to mention an extremely poor example

of behavior in front of your child.

Don't be surprised if he
grows up with a potty mouth

and a temper.

Yeah that's a real huge
concern for us right now.

Read the weekly police blotter, lady,

the boy's got his own special section.

[laughing]

Is there a problem?

As a matter of fact.

Let me handle this.

I need to start getting drunk, now,

but I can't until I's
got my checks cashed.

It would be unfair to
the rest of our customers

to allow you to bypass them in line.

Fine, you want plan B,
the Spencers can accommodate.

On three, and a one,
and a two, and a three.

[screaming]

[belching]

[silverware scraping]

You're not going to win.

Just stop it, all right.

Your turn is coming very soon.

Stop it!

Stop it!

Fine!

[exhaling]

Come with me.

Give me the checks.

Say please and call me sir,

that's proper customer service.

Please give me the checks, sir.

That's more like it [laughing].

f*cking guy done just what I told him,

you see that?

And I only had to ask him once.

You see that?

Did you see what I just done?

f*ck' p*ssy.

If I was him I'da told
me to go f*ck myself.

That's probably why
you don't have a job, sir.

No, I don't have a job because
jobs is for f*ck' losers.

He's right, why work when
you can get money for free?

Pride?

Self respect?

Sense of accomplishment?

Hm, I've never heard it
put quite like that before.

Gee Ma, maybe we should consider
the benefits of employment.

Yeah, or we's can
just tell this a sponge

to shut up and give us our God damn money.

I gotta go with the old
lady on this one, p*ssy,

so step to it.

Just a moment.

[laughing]

Narrator: Kevin told his dad,

he didn't think they were
supposed to smoke in here.

Yeah, you're probably not
supposed to do this either.

[crashing]

[laughing]

That looked fun!

[glass shattering]

He ain't gonna be back
for a minute, you wanna?

f*ck yeah, let's trash this place!

[rock music]

[screaming]

[laughing]

[g*n firing]

That, good people, was a warning shot.

If you all do as you're told,

it will be the last
time I pull the trigger.

Anyone tries anything funny,

I'll k*ll ya!

Move out.

[woman yelping]

How dare you?

I'm elderly.

I should be allowed to do what I want,

and take as much time doing
it as I want to, damn it.

That's the problem with
you young people today,

you got no respect.

Can I sh**t her, please?

No.

[sighing]

Saw the alarm activated.

Wrap it up.

Bring the van, we're coming out.

[breathing heavily]

Well, that about does it, I guess.

Unless either of yous two
can think of something else

to f*ck up and break?

Uh, nope, I'm good.

Boy?

[blood gushing]

Yous bleeding from your ear again.

[squishing]

I wonder what causes that.

You should go see a doctor.

Yeah like them f*ck'
a-holes know anything.

I'll just do what I always do

and plug my ears with toilet paper.

I just don't think it's normal

to keep bleeding all the time.

Narrator: Kevin told his
mom not to worry so much.

That it was just the old man's head,

and it ain't like he ever used
it that much to begin with.

[laughing]

I sure don't.

Come on, let's go see what
that mother f*ck's doing

with getting our money.

There he is.

Hey quit f*ck' the dog and get my money.

Can't you see we're
being robbed, you imbecile?

What's that word mean?

Narrator: Kevin told his old man

that it was another
word for moron or idiot.

That's not good, right?

f*ck you, give me my money.

I don't have your money, they do.

The ones with the g*ns and masks,

the men robbing the bank.

They have your money.

Will you all just shut up?

Sons of b*tches are gonna
make me lose my drinking record.

Not if we stop 'em.

Uh oh boy.

You'd better step in on this one.

No one wants them dead more than me.

But you still a juvenile,
and the last thing you need

is to be in a foster home with parents

who give a rat's a*s about your welfare.

Narrator: Kevin reminded his parents

that they were outnumbered four to two,

and that the robbers had g*ns,

and they were both fat and out of shape,

and probably couldn't hold their own

in a fair fight to begin with.

So f*ck' what?

I'd rather be dead than gaze upon

the misery of my life with sober eyes.

Damn jackals ain't going nowhere.

And don't thinks I's gonna
forget you callin' me fat.

We'll come back to that.

That's time, let's go, let's go.

Let's do it!

[grunting]

[fists thumping]

It'll be a cold day in hell

before four heavily armed men

stand between me and getting hammered.

Amen.

You other ear is bleeding now.

So, that's just fightin' blood injury,

not internal chronic head injury blood.

Oh, there goes the other one.

[blood dripping]

f*ck it, it's gotta
stop sooner or later.

My head's only so God damn big,

can't hold that much blood.

That makes sense.

Come on, let's get our money.

[country music]

[gulping]

No!

Looks like the streaks
over, Percy, sorry.

Well, now what?

Narrator: Kevin told his parents

that he couldn't remember
what he was going to say.

Eh, probably woulda been
stupid and pointless anyway.

Set us up, Marty.

Oh that's right.

I forgot it was payday.

What's the point?

I'll never break the record now.

You and me both know I
ain't got enough years left

in my liver to do it.

What you ought to do, Percy,

is get yourself one of them new livers.

They can do that?

Oh f*ck, yeah.

They just take yours out
and stick a new one in.

Yeah I think it's like
day surgery or something.

I don't know, that sounds expensive.

Money's no object when
it comes to my alcoholism.

Narrator: Kevin told his parents

that as a matter of fact,
money was a pretty big object,

since they didn't nearly have enough

to pay for expensive surgery.

Set me up, Marty.

Hey, I'm talking to you, you
freckle faced son of a b*tch.

[spitting]

That's it, yous a dead mean.

Oh, right, I sometimes forget, still.

It ain't right to disrespect the bird.

You'd better k*ll him.

Narrator: "Okay," said Kevin.

[thudding]

There's got to be
a way, come on, think,

we're smart people.

Ma: I got nothing.

Narrator: Kevin said,
"Ditto" then he said, "an*s"

because he thought the word was
funny and it made him laugh.

[laughing]

Yous think maybe we ain't
as smart as we thinks we am?

Nah.

Me neither.

Narrator: Kevin said,
"Maybe they should do

"what the other guys
did and rob the bank."

And, "an*s".

Okay, I'll go get the g*ns.

Just hang on a blessed God damn minute

and use your bleeding head.

Just listen to me.

I'm trying to but
yous talking too fast.

I don't know what the f*ck yous on about,

and the blood in my ears
is starting to clot,

so it's hard to hear.

We prevented a bank
robbery today, right?

That means we should get a reward.

And with the reward
money, I can get a new liver.

And then, boy howdy,

if you think I got a drinking
problem now, just you wait.

Just you wait.

Just, just, I'll be in the shitter

putting toilet paper in my ears.

Okay boy listen, and listen close.

I loves ya father.

But there ain't no way
we's letting him blow

all that money just trying
to save his stupid life.

If we get that money,

you need to k*ll him, and
then we'll split the dough.

Narrator: As near
as Kevin could figure,

the easiest thing to do

was to agree with his mother's plan

so she would think he was on her side.

Mostly because he'd been
toying with the idea

of whacking the old man anyway.

And because he figured
splitting the cash two ways

meant more coin for him.

Here's to a perfect plan, boy.

Hey what are yous two celebrating?

Kevin told the old man that he and mom

were celebrating their plan to k*ll him

and steal his share of the reward money.

Holy f*ck, your head don't work right.

You don't tell the guy
yous gonna double cross

that yous gonna double cross him.

I mean sweet blessed Jesus,

let's just go to the f*ck' bank.

Stupid no good son of a b*tch kid.

That marijuana we confiscated.

Oh yeah, you're probably right.

And pull over black guys
in nice cars for no reason.

Oh f*ck, cops, let's get out of here.

Calm down a-hole!

For once we didn't do nothin'.

Right.

Just force of habit, I guess.

Let's go get our money.

Hey, Spencer, you fat useless drunk.

f*ck you, I didn't
do nothin' this time.

For your information,
we's the one that stopped

the bank robbery, and we're
here to collect our reward.

So if you would so kindly move,

I'd be much obliged.

I'd also be much less likely
to kick your f*cking stones

up around your ears,
and tear you a new one.

It's a crime scene, lady.

You can't go in there!

Then tell the f*ck' bank manager

that we's out here.

And we want what's God damn owed us.

First off, I'm not your errand boy.

And secondly.

Shut up you f*ck' tool.

Look Ma, there he is.

Is there a problem?

Uh, no sir.

Here's what we're going to do.

We want reward money.

We stopped that f*ck' robbery,

so you have to pay us.

Cough it up.

Give us money.

Money, we want money.

Ma: We's heroes.

Don't you f*ck' look away.

Cheap c*cksucker.

Don't you disrespect my fat wife.

I ain't need you to fight my battles.

What you need is Weight Watchers

and half a f*ck' brain,
I was on your side.

Yeah, like yous the
picture of f*ck' health?

I'm healthier than you.

f*ck that!

f*ck you.

Maybe you would if you could get it up.

Maybe I don't want to get it up.

Maybe you can't.

Maybe you should shut your mouth.

Maybe you should try
and f*ck' make me.

Don't think I won't.

Bring it on!

[fists whacking]

Do they do this a lot, kid?

Narrator: Kevin said, "an*s."

Man, that's one messed up family.

Think we should stop them?

You say I ain't fat, or
I'll bust the f*ck thing.

Never!

Oh yeah, you're probably right.

Maybe we'll get lucky and
they'll k*ll each other.

Narrator: Kevin told his parents

that they needed to accept the fact

that they were both
fat losers and move on.

Then he told them they were cheap, stupid,

good for nothing assholes

for blowing any slim chance they had

at collecting the reward money.

Sit down, idiot, we ain't never cared

one way or the other what yous think.

So don't go figuring we's gonna start now.

Narrator: an*s.

Well we gotta figure something out.

I need that f*ck' liver.

We ain't spending no money
on a new f*ck' liver for you

until yous figure out why your stupid head

keeps bleeding all the time.

Maybe it's just so full of smart ideas

it's startin' to crack.

[laughing]

Even I can't keep a
straight face at that one.

I'm just saying, there ain't no point

in buying you a new liver,

if yous just gonna die
'cause your head's broke.

Fix that and maybe I'll think about it.

Fine, I'll go to the doctor.

Come on boy, yous driving.

Narrator: Kevin wanted
to know why he had to drive

since Percy was sober.

Sure, right now I am,

but not by the time we get there.

Give her, Percy, give her.

f*ck he's good.

Your generation could learn
a thing or two from him, boy.

Woo!

[glass shattering]

That's it, there go the ears.

We better hurry, Kevin.

Have fun, losers.

Now Annie, how's about you
get yourself all dolled up

and see if you can sweet talk your way

into that reward money.

[beeping]

[honking]

f*ck you, my ear's bleeding.

f*ck, may as well make
yourself comfortable, boy.

Looks like this is gonna take a while.

Announcer: Doctor
Forrest, dial 118 please.

Doctor Forrest, please dial 1-1-8.

[snoring]

[laughing]

Good one, boy.

See the way my boy f*cked
them people around?

He's a p*stol, that kid.

A real firecracker.

So any who, step it the
f*ck up, a-hole, so help me.

[screaming]

[screaming]

[funky music]

[tires screeching]

Boy those bank robbers,

they sure did a number on this place, huh?

They wrecked all your nice stuff.

Hm, you know, I was
out there the whole time,

and I don't remember any
of them coming in here.

Oh yeah, a couple of them come in

looking for money and what not.

Strange that they left you,

and your husband, and your son in here,

because, well, they took
everyone else hostage.

So it seems odd to me
that if they were in here

that they left you alone.

That's because we hid
and they never seen us.

Where?

It's a 10 by 12 room with one desk in it

pushed up against the wall.

With all due respect,

neither you nor your husband are petite.

Where did you hide?

Well, you see, we're
a family of wizards.

And we can turn invisible.

Really, that's quite something.

I'll tell you what.

If you turn invisible for me right now,

I'll give you the reward money.

Fine, I can't do it
if you're staring at me.

Yous gotta close your eyes.

Okay.

[lighter flicking]

[coughing]

So here I is, all invisible.

So give me the money.

Here's what we're going to do.

I'm not going to press charges

because you stopped the robbery.

The reward money you might've gotten

is going to be used to fix my office.

And you are going to find another bank

to deal with in the future because,

you are officially banned from this one.

So, I don't get nothin'?

Not a thing.

Well that's a fine
f*ck' how do you do.

I come all the way down here.

I don't want to leave empty handed.

I'll do ya for 20 bucks.

No.



No.

Well then, how much will you give me?

Nothing.

Deal.

What a f*ck' day.

Hey, Marty, jug me, tab it.

Where's the old man?

Narrator: Kevin told his mom that

the last time he'd seen him,

he was unconscious on
the floor of the hospital

bleeding from the ears.

Well he'll call if he needs us.

Hey f*ck face, give
me my wallet and watch.

I thought you was in the hospital.

I checked myself out
as soon as I found out

the place ain't licensed.

They say what's wrong with your head?

Yeah, apparently I've somehow have

been getting small amounts
of battery acid in my ears.

What, how?

I don't know.

I stopped listening.

f*ck' college boy doctors
think they're so smart.

Well you can't just
keep sticking toilet paper

in your ears and hoping it goes away.

Listen, if it's good
enough for the Pope,

it's good enough for me.

The Pope don't bleed from his ears.

Fine, then I was thinking
of a zombie or something,

whatever, is we drinking or what?

Well I is.

How about you boy?

Narrator: Kevin mumbled
something really low.

What?

Narrator: Kevin said
it again even quieter.

Then when Percy told him he
couldn't hear what he said,

Kevin offered him som Q-tips,

and told him he should clean out his ears.

Okay thanks.

Thank God yous always around
carrying that box of Q-tips.

[sizzling]

Ow, ow, oh that stings.

[glugging]

[laughing]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Old Man: People like
that should be k*lled.