07x01 - Legitimate Claims

[bunniefuu]

[bubbles popping]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work ♪

♪ It never did ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Not this crap again!

[television static]

Uh-huh?

Yeah?

Well, what's the difference?

[food crunch]

He's says the nipple clamps you want

got plastic tighteners and they break

if you twist them too much.

What's too much?

What's too much?

Depends on the nipple.

Let me talk to him.

[food crunching]

[gulp]

Let's say I want to
like half a turn past

where you don't think
you can turn it no more?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

He recommends the stainless steel one.

How much more?

How much more?

$20.

Just a second.

Well?

What do you think Percy?

It's your birthday.

They would last longer.

If the plastic ones are just going

to break in a couple months, you know

in the long run stainless
steel makes more sense.

[food chomp]

Anastasia: Can we afford them?

I'll have to juggle things a bit,

but yeah, we can make it work.

Well, I want them, but it's up to you.

We're going to go with
the stainless steel ones.

Oh, and can you throw in about five

or six feet of a**l beads?

Great!

Nope nope, that's it.

Oh, hang on.

You want anything boy?

Narrator: Kevin thought about it

and said that all things considered,

he wouldn't mind having one of those

inflatable love dolls.

Well, then I guess you better get

a f*cking job idiot!

[chuckles]

That's it!

[Percy laughing]

Well, that's it for today's to do list.

Not much else to do now but get hammered.

[liquid gulping]

[footsteps]

[bell chime tune]

Narrator: It was a long weekend.

And the whole family
was bored and hungover.

They partied so hard the night before

that even Allen was trying to rehydrate.

[refrigerator clicks]

Well I'll be a thieving little seagull

if these welfare tragedies too streaking

to fork out for a lousy carton of juice!

Some of us is drinkers
around here, you know?

I'm out of here boy!

I'm going to the other side of the planet

where it's tomorrow already
and the bars are still open.

Sayonara!

My f*cking head!

I'm never drinking again.

For the next three hours at least.

Jesus, it's like someone hit me

in the head with a hammer.

I think think that might have been me.

Sorry about that buddy.

Oh well, I...

Sorry I slashed your tires and pissed

in the window of your truck.

When did you do that?

Soon as I get off this couch!

Well, that's the liquor for you.

Well, another long weekend nothing to do.

Yeah, bet the beer stores ain't

even open today, are they?

Are they?

Are they?!

No, no, no, I don't think so!

Frick.

Well I ain't cleaning up
these breakfast dishes.

Cowboy: I don't know.

What you feel like doing?

Don't know.

Wife's asleep upstairs.

[bell chime]

Bet you I can put something in her bum

without waking her up.

Five bucks says you can't.

And I get to choose what you use.

Well that ain't fair!

You could say something impossible like

an aquarium or a fire
hydrant or something.

Hmmm.

Fire hydrant wouldn't be impossible.

Okay, you choose but I
got to agree what it is.

It's like the best idea ever!

[laughing]

How about this?

This might fit.

Not the cordless phone for f*ck's sake!

I got to talk into that thing later!

Wait, I got something.

[footsteps]

[squishing sound]

Hey, what the f*ck are you doing

with Kevin's video game?

[slow guitar chords play]

I bet him five bucks he couldn't

stick it up your a*s
without you waking up.

[glass breaking]

Geez ma, we was just
having some laughs.

Wait a second.

If you were in the
shitter, who's a*s is this?

Marty?

Christ, your ugly fat bum looks

exactly like the wife's.

[chuckles]

[Anastasia growling]

[thud]
[Percy yelling]

[doorbell]

Whoever you are, I'm
about to ruin your day!

Hello, I'm looking for Percy Spencer.

[frustrated groan]

Who wants to know?

Me.

I'm his illegitimate son.

I've spent years on lawyers

and detectives until...

Until now!

I've finally found him!

Christ, not again!

[frustrated groan]

Wait here.
[door slams shut]

Wake up as*h*le.

[footsteps running]

[Percy yelling]

Looks like another one of your

illegitimate b*stards is trying

to hump his way up the family tree again.

What?!

There's no way it's my kid!

They can't prove nothing!

I'll take him to court.

Don't tell me, tell him!

There's no way your my kid.

I'll get [mumbles]

Holy sh*t, you really
do kind of look like me!

I'm Tyrone.

Tyrone, huh?

Listen kid, I don't
know who your mother is

but I got three words for you.

I pulled out.

There's no way your...

Hey boy look at this!

It's the kid I wished
I had instead of you.

Narrator: Suddenly,
Percy had a strange feeling.

A feeling kind of like he was ready

to make a new beginning.
[money ching]

What about Kevin?

Could you just try and
think of his feelings?

Who gives a fiddler's f*ck about him?

He had his chance.

It was a good run, but it's over.

Anastasia: Hey I guess you're right!

We got a fresh start here.

Welcome to the family kid.

Hey kid.

Your father's not with you, is he?

All he ever does is surf porn

on the library computers.

And then monopolizes the
bathroom for an hour.

Lost child: Hello?

Someone help me!

I've been lost in these
shelves for three days.

Just keep talking kid!

We'll find you!

Lost Child: I had to urinate

on the reference section.

Hey!

[papers rustling]

Hey kid, your father's
not with you is he?

All he does receive porn by mail

and then monopolizes the
bathroom for an hour.

Narrator: Kevin
assured the postal clerk

that he'd merely come to see if a package

he'd ordered had arrived.

[liquid bubbling]

Anastasia: Hey boy!

Your old man and I are taking the little

b*stard on a field trip.

You want to come?

Hey, at least I asked.

Geez, the other kid is nicer than you.

[sniffS]

Hey, what's that f*cking licorice smell?

Narrator: Kevin told Anastasia that

he was staying home
because he was planning

to make his own homemade booze.

For Christ's sake.

It's like when your old man tries

to make his own beer.

Suddenly we're not
allowed to drink anything

but his crappy custom brewed swill.

With all that sh*t floating in it.

The boy says he ain't interested.

Who cares?

We've got boy version two.

And he's way better on account

of being raised by other people.

What would you like to do
with your new old man kid?

Well, I had always hoped
I'd see the sugar bush someday.

Sugar bush?

That's just a fairytale there rugrat.

[chuckles]

There ain't no such thing in real life.

Geez.

It's where they make the maple syrup,

you unpatriotic herpes sewer.

What?

Yeah, I knew that, fatty!

Our meteorologists predict not only the

coldest day of the year,
but in human history!

Under no conditions should
you leave your house.

That just means we ought to wear a hat.

Come on!

[tires screeching]

You remember when you
used to call me sugar bush?

No.

Anastasia: That's
what you used to call me.

I was your little sugar bush.

And you'd say that you loved me more.

Turn left here you ret*rd!

[tire screeching]

Is it this left or the next one?

f*ck, you're too late moron!

Geez, now you missed the turn off.

Maybe if you weren't
so busy talking about

your bush in front of
the new and improved boy.

You do sure fight a lot.

No we don't.

I left my mother because
of all the fighting.

She never let me stay out late or play any

of the video games I wanted.

Well, you won't have
that problem with us boy.

When you live with the Spencers

you can do whatever you
like whenever you like.

Hey, you got a nickname yet?

[coughs]

No.

Could we open a window?

In this weather?

Are you stunned?

You got to have a nickname.

What's yours?

[chuckles]

They call me Jesus Christ.

Now you're just trying to fool me.

[fast country tune plays]

Jesus Christ, you just drove

over my foot you fat as*h*le!

[chuckles]

See boy?

[giggles]

Okay, fun's over.

Give me some money for this twit.

I'm flat in my a*s here.

And don't forget the parking.

That ain't enough!

Okay, how about something
for the snack bar?

Can't go to the sugar bush without

eating all that shitty candy crap.

Holy f*ck!

Stop shaking the kid down.

You're being a*usive.

Sorry, reflex.

[hokey country tune]

Native Americans taught the European

settlers how to gather the sap

from the maple trees and boil it down

to produce maple syrup.

Looks like diarrhea.

[sniffs]

But smells like heaven.

[chuckles]

Good one ma!

How much sap does
it take to make candy?

Brown nose.

It takes 40 liters of sap to make

one liter of maple syrup.

Sounds like a rip off to me.

Here's something I bet you don't know.

Eastern Canada has the best
maple syrup trees in the world.

Here's something I bet you didn't know.

Maple syrup can put a real
sweet edge on spiced rum.

[gulping]

Whoa easy there!

That's a sugar hangover ma.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Let go of me!

Perhaps we should step outside, huh?

I...

I think so.

You saying you want to step outside?

Fine, I'll step outside
you son of a b*tch!

Let's step outside.

I'm stepping outside right now.

Today we use modern equipment to tap

the trees during March and April.

When the sap freezes at night

and then thaws during the day.

I've got a better way to
get the sap out of the trees.

[upbeat banjo tune]

Have at her baby!

Mrs Spencer, no!

Hey you stupid tree,
stop trying it with my wife!

[branch snaps]

Jesus, my beautiful face!

Madame, please stop
molesting the trees!

[laughs loudly]

[retching]

[chickens clucking]

Look boy, nature.

[slow jazz music]

Narrator: Kevin enjoyed researching

for new projects because he

always discovered new things.

Like the haunting imagery
of Aubrey Beardsley.

It's big boy.

I wasn't really planning on coming

back so soon, but...

If you're making absinthe, well well.

Let's drink up!

Narrator: Allen was enthusiastic

about his new discovery for reasons

that made Kevin mighty suspicious.

Come on boy!

Drink the drink of Oscar Wilde.

And millions of other brain
dead alcoholic greybeard

who weren't quite so well spoken.

Narrator: Kevin tried to remember

what his old man used to tell him.

Remember what you daddy told you boy.

Never experiment with drugs or booze.

Unless you've tried them out on someone

else first to see what it does to them.

Then if it's safe, go ahead.

And never leave your drink unattended.

I was supposed to say those two together.

You got a light?

Narrator: In another
person, this familiar

revelation might have made a boy long

for his absent father.

After all, Percy sure did seem

to like that new Tyrone kid.

But Kevin was conspicuous
for his lack of jealousy.

However, he did miss his
father for one reason.

So he could experiment with his new drink

on him when he got home.

[muffled footsteps]

Thank f*ck you're home boy.

I've been taking you for granted and sh*t.

Now give me that bottle.

Yeah, little hair of the
dog ought to warm us right up.

But you two have been drinking all day.

Don't worry Tyrone.

If there's one thing
the Spencer family knows

how to do, it's party.

Whoo-hoo!

Damn!

What the f*ck's up with the house?

Narrator: Kevin told his parents that

the record cold snap was having a pretty

rough effect on the plumbing.

[water squirting]

[liquid bubbling]

Well that's just beautiful.

I'll do something about it just

as soon as I'm good and wasted.

This booze smells kind of weird.

[water squirting]

Kevin invented it all by himself.

Drink it and be supportive already.

Can't be as bad as your home brew.

Well?

Bottoms up!

[gulping]

[groovy tune]

This stuff is fantastic.

The taste's for sh*t.

But the punch is incredible!

Yeah, it's like being
drunk on amphetamines.

Here, add some of the maple sugar sh*t.

I can't remember where I put it.

But who f*cking cares?

Hello?

Sugar bush?

I just wanted [mumbles].

I'm going to screw the syrup out of...

By the time I get through with you f*ck

you're going to have to live in the woods.

What?

Wrong Number?

f*ck.

Where's the phone book?

[elephant trumpet]

Narrator: Kevin noticed
the effect absinthe

had on his parents.

As they started to become as forgetful

as Alzheimer's victims, and
worse a noxiously unusual

compost smell followed
everywhere in their wake.

[sniffs]

Still, they sure seemed to be having fun.

[knocking]

Who the f*ck are you good looking?

I'm Tyrone's mother.

How can you not remember a woman

you shared a night of love with?

But, but, but you're hot.

f*ck, I wish I could remember tearing

one off with you.

f*cking stupid brain.

Why can't I remember that night

with this hottie?

Stupid idiot, ret*rd f*cking brain!

I wish I didn't remember.

That night of desperation and drunkenness.

You were just some ugly pig

I met through the newspapers.

When the f*ck was this?

f*ck, it ain't no big g*dd*mn deal.

I was just answering women's newspaper

ads behind your back.

You're a f*cking dead man.

Hey, I was trying
to support our family.

It's time you knew ma.

I was a Canadian gigolo.

Hey baby.

You the one who was looking

for eight inches of c*ck?

I said I need someone
with eight inch caulking.

For my trim.

Did you just say eight
inches of c*ck for...

I said trim you as*h*le!

Now have sex with me and get out!

Sounds great.

So tell me more sh*t I don't remember.

Did I do you from behind or what?

Mom please!

Get me out of here!

You can't take my boy!

I'll take you to court!

I'll sue you for custody!

Percy, don't be in such a f*cking hurry

on the custody thing here.

Say all the sh*t you want.

No court in the world will give

you the family allowance checks.

Well f*ck that then.

Off you go kid.

You're dead to me now.

Well that proves on thing.

Kids suck everywhere you go.

Hey boy, let's try more of that

pig swill you threw together.

I like it better than prison hooch.

Yeah boy, you made this stuff

and you ain't even had any yet.

[gulping]

Chug a lug!

Chug a lug!

Chug a lug!

Narrator: Kevin couldn't help

buckling to the peer pressure

and bad example set by his addict parents.

He decided to try the absinthe just once.

I knew it!

Wait for me, wait for me!

This jet ain't lifting
off without old Allen.

Narrator: When Kevin finally came down

on a frozen beach in the west end,

he had only one thought.

He wanted more right away.

[waves crashing]

Why does frostbite have
to hurt so f*cking much?

Stop taking my sh*t you little b*stard.

You only got frostbite.

I got hypothermia.

Hey boy, come drag your
mama to the bathtub

so we can shave off some skin grafts.

[small expl*si*n]

[doorbell rings]

[chuckling and giggling]

[scratching]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work ♪

♪ It never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Anastasia: Possibly
even Jack the ripper!

[maniacal laughing]