06x05 - Dogfight

[bunniefuu]

[clicking]

[chime ringing]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[ducks quacking]

Behold the glory of creation.

Immerse yourself in the cleansing waters

of God's acreage and wash your sins away.

Who among you is in want
of accepting the embrace

of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

[electric music]

[Kevin gurgling]

Welcome my child.

Oh nut, did I just k*ll myself?

No, you're drunk and
you drove your Skadoo

into the lake.

Let me guess, I was in my underpants

and I got pasties on my t*ts?

Man, I gotta quit doing that.

Perhaps, if you accepted
Christ as your savior?

I probably need about
three Christ's to fix me up.

He should f*cking see me sin.

Come, let me baptize you into the arms

of our Lord and Savior.

Maybe it's just the booze,
glue and head injury talking

but sure, what the hell.

[church music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

So, if you have the money,

I'm sure I could pull a
few strings with management

and we can close on this
little beauty today.

That sounds splendid.

I would however, like the opportunity

to test drive the vehicle to
make sure it suits the needs

of myself and my family.

Certainly, just give me
a moment to get the keys.

Get in boy.

Man, this is a sweet f*cking ride.

A bird could get used to this.

You think your mom is
gonna buy this thing?

Now if we could just take a moment,

I'll go over all the features and options

[car cranking]

It gotta cigarette lighter that works?

Ah yes.

Sweet, I ain't never driven
a fully-loaded car before.

But I've driven lots of cars fully loaded!

[laughter]

[car speeds off]

[tires screeching]

So, what do you think?

I mean, not just any car is gonna corner

that well on two wheels!

Well, the car's great and
all and it sure does drive nice

but, I'm on welfare and ain't got no money

So well, there ain't no
hope in hell I can avoid it

in the first place.

Let me get this straight.

All this was pointless?

Nope, it saved me having
to fork out bus fare for me

and the boy.

Which means I can afford another draft.

So, when you think about
it, it's a win-win.

Except for you, 'cause
you're a dumb f*cking loser

that just got suckered into
being my designated driver.

What is that?

Urine?

[sneaky laughter]

Make it a jug, Marty.

Eenie, meeny, miney

Ah, f*ck you.

Here you go, Annie.

Complements to the man
at the end of the bar.

What?

Hey, if I shows you my snapper,

will yous buy me a car?

Ha ha.

[laughter]

Geez Annie, cut it out.

If I laugh too much liable
to pull all my stitches out.

Stitches?

Did Percy stick you with a shiv again

tryna skip out on his bail?

Nah, I don't let him
get nowhere near me no more

when he's drinking.

I fell down the steps
going into the beer cellar,

sliced myself wide open and I--

Kinda lost interest
in your story, Marty.

So there ain't much
point in you finishing.

[laughing]

Stop it.

I wasn't f*cking kidding you
stupid, freckle-faced prick.

Piss off somewhere's
else, I'm tryna pick up.

Daddy, no need to know about this.

Narrator: Kevin couldn't
help but feel that he should

be ashamed of his mother for
stepping out on the old man.

Then again, since he pretty
much didn't give a mule's nuts

about his own well-fare,

he figured it would be a cold day in hell

before he gave much of a
damn about his parent's.

Even so, an angle is an angle,
so Kevin told the old lady

to leave the jug or he
was ratting her out.

Boy, the apples sure don't fall far.

Narrator: Kevin
wasn't much for metaphors

but he didn't want his mother
to think he was stupid.

So, he decided to distract
her by jamming a cork screw

in his hand.

Boy, if I had a nickel.

You's gotta quit doing that.

Take a cab home, boy.

Mama's off to get her funk on.

I'm Anastasia.

Dewayne, It's a pleasure to meet you.

Thanks for the booze.

My kid blackmailed me
out of the jug saucer,

what's the chances of you
coughing up the dough for more?

I think that can be arranged.

Marty, another pitcher
of draft for the lady.

Oh, that sounds so
f*cking sophisticated.

So, tell me a bit more about yourself.

Oh, you know, government assistance.

I like to have a few now and again.

Got an idiot kid and a
fat, useless husband.

But I don't owe them nothing.

Anyway, enough about me, what about you?

What would you like to know?

How much money you make a year

and how big's your tool?

We need to stop but we
ain't near loaded enough.

Narrator: Kevin couldn't agree more.

But since he was out of
money, he figured he needed

to come up with a plan right quick.

We're out of smokes too.

Kid's today, what are you gonna do?

So's, you got your own place or a car?

If not, a know a couple
of parks and alleys

that ain't too bad.

I'm sure we can find something.

Listen, will you excuse me for a moment?

I need to make a phone call.

Like I'd ever walk
out on a gravy train.

I mean, a date, like this.

[whistles]

Round the world, Marty.

Lemme guess, on his tab?

He'll be happy to pay for my drinks.

I know a thing or two about men, Marty.

And I can tell this guy
wouldn't mind getting his fill

at Annie's all you can eat buffet.

See you at the party at nine then.

Oh, and listen, you may
as well tell the others

to give up now.

There's no way anyone,

I mean anyone, is gonna top
the beast I'm bringing over.

Just a sec.

[farting]

Is there a duck in my
pants or did I just fart?

[laughing]

Ah sh*t.

[screaming]

Well, now what broken head?

You're the one running this
here train wreck of a life.

I mean, I like fun as much as the next guy

but I'm just a figment
of your imagination.

And remember what happened
the last time you sobered

up a couple years back?

That's right, Kevin, the memory...

Narrator: Kevin was
terrified at the thought

of a sober assessment
of his station in life.

So, he decided he better come
up with a plan right quick

before his blood alcohol level dropped

below it's standard three
times the legal limit.

Then it came to him,

Going into the beer cellar

[echoes]

[speaking French]

Narrator: Kevin thought
it was a great idea as well.

Even though he was a little
confused as to where exactly it

was that he picked up the
limited, conversational French.

[sneaky music]

[excited laughter]

[crying]

It's beautiful.

Narrator: Kevin
couldn't help but think,

on your mark, get set, go.

[upbeat music]

[drinking]

Geeze, I was kind of thinking
of some place more quiet.

I just thought we'd stop
at this party my friends

are having, it won't take
long, it will be fun.

Really.

f*ck, relax, by the looks of
things, they got booze inside

and it ain't like it'd be
the first time I torn one off

in a room full of people.

[party music]

Wait here, I'm just
gonna go find my friend.

I'll be beside the keg.

What in God's name,

is someone who looks like you doing here?

Drinking and f*cking.

So, pretty much same as you.

Only I'm way better at both of them.

Wow, who's the lucky guy?

I forget his name.

What?

Geeze, I'm just gonna f*ck
the guy, not marry him.

Oh wait, he did tell me, it's Dewayne.

Oh well if you're with
Dewayne, that's different.

I'm sure you're gonna have a night

that you'll never forget.

[laughter]

What's so funny?

Is you laughing 'cause
you guys done him too?

What's he got in the way of tackle?

[laughter]

f*cking idiots.

Oh hey look, beer, how fortunate for me.

Oh, you got some nerve.

Can't you see there's a lady?

Oh, f*ck it.

[punch]

So, you find a room or what?

Annie's got an itch what needs scratching.

Oh yeah, sure.

Yeah, I can't wait, but listen.

Before that, there's just
a couple of announcements

that I'd like to stick around for.

Well, I hope you can hear
from here 'cause I aint moving

from the keg.

Quiet, quiet.

As y'all know, it's
the end of pledge week.

This year we have eight prospects looking

to become members of the fraternity

but we only have room to
accept one new member.

Now, they all perform excellently

at the task before tonight
which means like the winner

of tonight's event will
be the one accepted

into the fraternity.

Come on.

Just let me top up, I
may not get back here for 10

or 15 minutes.

[crowd chatter]

[laughter]

Gentlemen, you are all to be commended

but like, the choice is
clear and like the winner

of this year's prospect's dog's fight is

Dewayne Chalmers.

[cheering]

Is we done here?

'cause if we are, just let
me drill back a few more

and then we can find a room
somewhere and have it off.

Are you insane?

Don't you know what's going on here?

Yeah, like I spend any time
paying attention to things.

It was all a joke.

You didn't really think I wanted

to have sex with you, did you? [laughs]

It was a contest.

Whoever brought the ugliest
skank has their date won.

And I won!

[laughing]

Well then, I guess the joke is on me.

You and all the other trolls.

But hey, hey, hey it's all in good fun.

Stay and have a few drinks
and I'll tell you what.

Just to show you there's no hard feelings,

I'll give you the bus fare to get home

and, how far is it to your trailer park?

[laughing]

Trailer park, touche.

So all of this was just to
have a laugh at the expense

of me and the other women.

No, all of this was to get
me into the coolest frat house

on campus.

And it worked, kudos to you.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I think I'll be going home

as I'm sure you can understand, I feel

neither comfortable nor wanted here.

I'd offer to walk you out
but who's kidding who, huh?

I'll never see you again.

You never know.

[suspenseful music]

If only I could read.

I think maybe we overdid it, boy.

We might better ease off some

and let the alcohol
poisoning run it's course,

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin?

Narrator: Allen tried his hardest

to get the boy's attention but it was all

to no avail because Kevin

had drank himself three
ways sideways and was so far

into the hellish pits of
intoxication that he was lost

in a mental labyrinth of paranoia.

[rock music]

And she's married too, with a kid.

Can you imagine waking
up beside that beast,

every morning?

My God,

it's like, what the hell is that?

[glass breaking] [people screaming]

[suspenseful music]

[animals growling]

Now, that's a dog fight.

The letter A, as in A for apple.

The letter A.

Apple, my assistant

will now use the word apple

in a sentence during a
dramatization of a typical scenario.

Hey baby, that's a nice apple.

Why don't you take off your
blouse and get Billu in there.

Hello, what, what?

I forgot why I called you.

[slow music]

Hey God, It's me, Percy.

Percy B. Spencer.

Listen I've been thinking about what

that creepy guy down by
the river was saying.

And you know, looking at this Bible here,

and I don't mean to criticize
or nothing but a few pictures

for us that can't read,
would help a little.

Anyway, here's the deal,
I done my share of sinning

in my time.

Mostly because well, it was fun.

And I always did kinda figure

that when I died, I'd just end up rotting

in the ground some place.

I never really bought into
the whole immortal soul,

heaven and hell stuff.

What I'm thinking is
since I'm really dying

for a few drinks and maybe having it off

with a hooker or two.

I would just, you know, I mean,

I don't wanna spend eternity in hell

because let's face it, living
with fatty is hell enough

for one lifetime.

So like, if you could give me a sign

or something just to
let me know you's real.

Anything at all?

[thunder rumbles]

Hello, God?

[magical music]

Who are you?

I am God.

So what, you's real and everything?

Of course, I created the world.

The sun and the moon, the earth.

All of it.

Yeah, well I built
that entertainment center.

That's hardly the same thing.

Yeah well, I didn't
see you making one for me.

Listen, Percy.

No, you listen, where the
hell did you get off coming

into my house and making fun of me?

Oh look at me, I'm God, I'm
way cooler than Percy Spencer

'cause I made everything.

And all he done was make a
stupid entertainment center.

Jerk.

That's blasphemy.

Now I have yet another reason
to condemn your soul to hell.

Where do you get off?

Oh f*ck I'm sorry, I got a temper.

Well that's just perfect
Percy, punch God in the head,

good thinking.

[country music]

Thanks, Marty.

You don't look so good.

Yeah, really did a number on myself.

Doctors said I'm lucky to be alive

with the amount of blood I lost.

f*cking doctor,
thinks they're so smart.

I could of told you that and
I can't even f*cking read.

Where's the f*cking justice in that?

[expl*si*n]

What the?

Hey it's Kevin, I forgot we had him.

He's on fire, eh?

We should do something.

Hey, hey boy, the fire
extinguisher's in the hallway

beside the shitter door.

He ain't gonna make
it, the smoke and pain

is making him confused.

I don't know, look at him go.

f*ck, he's pretty fat. [laughs]

The next round says he don't make it

to the fire extinguisher.

Deal.

[fire extinguisher whooshing]

I am king, next round's on you, fatty.

[laughter]

Just once, I'd like you

to not be a f*cking disappointment to me.

Give us another jug, Marty.

I can't believe you
just risked your son's life

over a chug of draft!

Well, if he didn't
want to risk his life

then he shouldn't have
set himself on fire.

It ain't like I lit the f*cking match.

I guess you're right.

Although, that gives me an idea.

Hey, Percy, give me a lighter.

You wanna go double or nothing?

[laughter]

Ten bucks thirty, don't make it.

Marty: Give help.

Deal.

Allan: Attaboy, Jimmy,
you fall off that bike,

you gotta get right back on.

Now let's see if we can't get

that blood alcohol up to a proper level.

All that pain and fear
sobered you up too much.

[dramatic music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer. ♪

[clicking]

[chime ringing]