05x13 - Kevin, the Musical

[bunniefuu]

[water bubbling]

[truck beeping]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

[water hissing]
[shrieking]

[water splashing]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[screaming]

[giggling]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[door banging]
[giggling]

[lively rock music]

Listen, friend, we didn't come

in here looking for trouble.

Stupid, stupid goofs.

He's right, we're lovers, not fighters.

All I'm saying is you guys think you're

so cool with your c*ck
and, oh, look at me,

I make porno's just 'cause I'm fat.

Whose f*cking round is it?

[fist thudding]

Knock it off, Percy!

[fist thudding]

Kiss my a*s, you ugly McBastard.

You're cut off!

No!

[somber eerie music]

[cats ]

♪ What will I do ♪

♪ Without a drink in hand ♪

♪ How will I continue being
a fat, alcoholic man ♪

♪ Now that I've been banned ♪

♪ Now that I've been banned ♪

♪ Maybe I should just give up the booze ♪

[buildings crashing loudly]

Who are you?

I'm your friend, Percy.

The only friend you've got left.

♪ I'm your friend, I'm your pal ♪

♪ I've been with you for a while ♪

♪ Drinking through the thick and thin ♪

♪ I'm your chum when you're glum ♪

♪ The amigo of your tum ♪

♪ Oh, I'm the one with the magic touch ♪

♪ Oh, when you think that
you can't drink anymore ♪

♪ I step up and shut you up ♪

♪ And tell your brain to give 'er ♪

♪ Hello, please to meet you ♪

♪ I'm half dead, cirrhotic liver ♪

[bouncy upbeat music]

[feet tapping]

Can you lend me some money?

No.

Then what good is you?

♪ What good is me I turn
your bile into urine ♪

♪ And don't forget the fecal matter ♪

♪ So you can ♪

[sultry bouncy music]

♪ Let out my booze, ♪

♪ and have at 'er ♪

♪ oooooh yeah. ♪

But I've been banned
from every bar in town.

I don't know if I'll ever
be able to drink again.

Listen closely Percy,
you've got 48 hours

to find a new bar, or I'm closing up shop.

[thudding]

So, I don't need no
f*cking liver to live.

Yes you do.

No I don't.

Yes you do.

No

Actually Mr. Spencer, you
do need your liver to live.

Oh



[explosions]

♪ Even though I've been banned I ♪

♪ can't give up the booze. ♪

[truck running]

♪ In these quiet moments
sitting here alone, ♪

♪ I am left to wonder,
where it all went wrong. ♪

♪ I used to dream of a happy life ♪

♪ filled with joy and bliss with ♪

♪ a man I love by my side ♪

♪ and a daily kiss ♪

♪ Not this, not this, not this ♪

♪ Instead I've got an idiot son, ♪

♪ And a fat husband that is worse. ♪

♪ So is it any wonder that I come home ♪

♪ With my panties in my purse, ♪

♪ maybe it ain't to late. ♪

[sad music]

[Percy] - Honey I'm home
where the f*cking beers at?

What f*ck?

Hey Percy I was just thinking

maybe we should go on a
date, like we used to.

We ain't never been on no date,

you was just supposed to be a one off

don't f*ck ask me how all this happened.

You don't appreciate me.

I'd appreciate you getting me

another beer since you's up.

Go to hell.

This is hell baby.

I'm leaving you.

Fine, but since you
gotta pass the fridge

on your way out be a pal
and toss me a cool one.

[thuds]

Owwwwwwww.

[Narrator] -Kevin had been watching people

in the park, and drinking cooking sherry

for six straight hours,
when something occurred

to him, as far as families went, his was

pretty much a sh*t pile of a mess.

And the more he thought about it

the more he thought he'd be better

off living somewhere else.

[upbeat music]

Well have you picked one?

It's like trying to decide what

you want off a Chinese menu.

Can we see number 17 again?

Of course.

[button clicking]

[screaming]

What do you think honey?

Jeez, usually she doesn't
let me help decorate.

Oh you.

Yeah you know I've got a good

feeling about number 17 too.

We'll take it.

Oh perfect,

number 47, number 47,

I'm sorry young man

but you're far too young to adopt anyone.

Not to mention you smell
like a tavern washroom.

[Narrator] - Kevin explained to the lady,

that he didn't want a kid of his own,

but that he wanted to be adopted,

and that he'd wet his pants when

he'd passed out from the drinking.

Are you an orphan?

[Narrator] - Kevin told
the woman that he was.

Whatever, take a bath, lose the hat

and learn to smile,
someone's likely desperate

enough to adopt you, likely a farmer

looking for free labor
butt hat's your problem.

[chanting]

Step right up and join the line

for little spit polish

out with the old, in with the new

don't wanna miss a big finish.

We're going to make a brand new you

[chanting]

Put you faith in us young man

if you sell it, they will buy

and if you will be the apple

of a stellar couple's eye

We're going to make a brand new you,

[chanting]

[Desk Clerk] Put him on the belt.

[ominous music]

[Narrator] - Kevin was confused,

he kinda figured he'd be
the first one adopted.

Since as near as he could tell, he was way

cooler than all the other as*h*le kids.

He asked the kid next to
him where they were going.

The orphanage, it's a
cold and terrible place

oh how I long for the day I get chosen.

To have a home and a
family to call my own.

♪ Oh how I wish that ♪

♪ people could see ♪

♪ Just how much kindness and love ♪

♪ I could make a difference ♪

♪ To a family. ♪

[Narrator] - Kevin didn't
much care for singing.

Jesus H my feet are f*cking k*lling me.

What?

Move it along lady, I don't
abide vagrants on my beat.

I ain't no vagrant, I'm
just resting my fricking feet.

Yeah yeah, everyone's got
a story, just keep moving.

Here there and everywhere,

it don't matter if I'm

here or there,

it don't matter one single bit.

Here there and everywhere,

I'm always knee deep in the sh*t,

my life has been just one big spit

and I've had enough,
I've had enough of it.

[honking]

What now?

Are you working tonight?

Come again, jag-off?

I was inquiring, what I mean is

this neighborhood is often frequented

by professional ladies, I
assumed you were one of them.

A thousand bucks for the night.

So what do you do besides wh*res?

[laughing]

I thought I told you,
you was banned, Spencer.

Listen, Marty, I want to apologize

for the way I acted the other night

I was out of f*cking line, so I got you

this stuff you know so I was hoping you'd

let me back in you know
so's I you know could drink.

I dunno Spencer guy like you give

a place like this a bad name.

The old me Marty, not no more, you

and me go back some, so how's

about giving me a second chance?

Well, all right I
suppose this one time.

All right Marty you
ain't gonna regret this.

[blows landing]

Aw come on Marty I
was just goofing around.

Banned again forever!

Penny for your thoughts my dear.

Add it to the f*cking grand.

But of course.

So what's your story
anyways, you's ain't

the best looking guy I've ever had

but you ain't no f*cking troll neither,

and you's rich, I mean,
now that you's had a go

at me I can understand you want more,

or why'd you pick me in the first place.

I don't know what to tell you,

other than from the moment
my eyes fell upon you

on that street corner, my heart

has belonged to you.

Hey don't think cause you sweet talk me

you ain't gotta make good with the dough.

Of course I wouldn't
dream of it, now if

you'll excuse me I'm
afraid I must micturate.

What?

Micturate

What?
[whispering]

Oh, where's I's come from we usually

just say we gotta go take a piss.

Splendid, though I
really must excuse myself.

[farts]

[crickets chirping]

[farts]

[farts]

Oh that's just perfect, guard,

guard I sh*t my pants again, stupid CTs.

That one.

His name is Kevin, I know I'm not

supposed to play favorites
he's a little angel.

You're no son of mine you little

b*stard I hope you rot in hell.

[chewing]

Why don't you save your f*cking legs

and bring me a few this time?

Will you please excuse us?

Shall I bring the-?

No.

What the f*ck.

Anastasia, I realize old habits

are often the most difficult to break,

but now that I have
graciously given you entrance

into a world that would normally be

far beyond your reach, there are certain

aspects of behavior
that need to be adopted.

Listen up b*ll s*ck, you can dress me up

you can take me to the f*cking opera,

hell I don't rightly give a flying f*ck

what you's do, but I got
a few rules of my own.

And rule number one is,
I like's to have a few,

you get that rule, and
we's gonna get along

just fine, you try to
cut me off and I'm gone.

Perhaps I was foolish to
think this could ever work

that I could ever tame
a wild one like you.

Tame me, up yours as*h*le, I ain't no

f*cking animal and I ain't
your f*cking property.

This here's business jag-off, you

pay me to bang you, as
long as you keep me happy

I ain't got no beef with that, but just

so's you know, I pretty much gotta

be loaded all the time, so how's about

you call that maid back in here,

and tell her to bring me a f*cking case.

No.

Me drunk or no me at
all, your choice dink.

[crashing]

Oh Jesus help me, to get drunk again.

Hello Percy.

Jesus is my liver?

Of course not moron, but I am your god.

I been trying to get drunk honest,

but the other inmates cut me off

cause I ain't got nothing to pay 'em with.

Of I'm sure you've got something.

♪ Tit for tat, and this for that ♪

♪ You could barter your fat a*s. ♪

♪ - Not my a*s ♪

♪ - Yes your a*s, use your head good man ♪

♪ You must put your mind to it ♪

♪ You could trade your flesh, oh Percy, ♪

♪ Booze in exchange for sodomy. ♪

♪ - I can't ♪

♪ - You must. ♪

♪ - I won't. ♪

♪ - You will or else you'll die. ♪

♪ - I think I'm going to die. ♪

Jesus whoever thought I'd
miss my old f*cking life.

[Narrator] - Therefore despite the wishes

of the court we have no choice to

release you due to this
technical error in law.

You and the boy's okay Anne,

but Percy ain't welcome.

We's a package deal Marty,

we's a family.

I don't know.

I got six grand from
banging some rich b*stard.

Welcome back Spencer's.

♪ - We're the Spencer's, ♪

♪ Ey you, how do ya do,
pleased to meet you ♪

♪ we're the Spencer's ♪

♪ We like to drink, we like to fight ♪

♪ - I can f*ck all f*cking night, ♪

♪ - She's right. ♪

♪ - Together, we're the Spencer's ♪

♪ - As husbands go he's kinda slow, ♪

♪ - like you'd f*cking now. ♪

♪ - Everywhere but in the sac. ♪

♪ - I go quick because I get thick, ♪

♪ just looking at you naked. ♪

♪ - Up yours ♪

♪ - f*ck you ♪

♪ - Kiss my a*s. ♪

♪ - You wish. ♪

♪ - Together. ♪

♪ - Together. ♪

♪ - Together, we're the Spencer's. ♪

The end my feathered a*s, big f*cking

Song and dance episode
and the f*cking bird

Don't even get a line that's bullshit

I'll show you a song and dance,

Draw some m*therf*cking tap shoes on me.

♪ Farmer Browny had a dog
and bingo was his name-o. ♪

♪ And on his farm he had, ahhh. ♪

You're all banned, f*ck off.

♪ Kevin Spencer, somethings
wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer, his head
don't work it never did ♪

[Percy] - Jesus is my liver?

♪ Kevin Spencer, you'd
better not cross his path. ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer, he's a ♪

♪ chain smoking, alcoholic sociopath. ♪

♪ Sociopath. ♪