05x12 - Hey, Barkeep!

[bunniefuu]

[water burbling]

[truck beeping]

[all yelling]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[both screaming]

[Kevin laughing]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

[rock music]

♪ Sociopath ♪

[Kevin laughing]

[ominous music]

Well, gentlemen.



Call.

I fold.

I'll see your $100,
and raise ya 200 more.

I think you bluffing.

In fact, I'm sure of it.

Your 200 plus 200 more.

I fold.

p*ssy.

Looks like it's just
the two of us, Mr. Spencer.

That's Mr. Spencer to you.

I did say Mr. Spencer.

Percy's fine, we're all friends here,

'cept for the p*ssy.

I can hear what you're sayin'.

f*ck off, I's tryin' to think right.

Okay, I'll see your 200
and raise you 500 more.

Still think I'm bluffing?

Yes.

Well it's gonna cost you
another 500 to find out.

[speaks in foreign language]

That's a lot, I fold.

Long live the Percinator.

Whose f*ck' deal is it?

I'm tapped.

I'm gonna call it a night.

What's the matter, sissy?

Youse afraid of breakin'
your mommy's curfew?

[Percy chuckles]

You're an as*h*le, Percy Spencer,

and the only reason I don't
beat some sense into you

is because this is Sam's game,
and he's a friend of mine,

but you better hope I never run into you

outside of this room.

Thanks for all the money, shithead.

Goodnight, Thornton.

Hey, what about the [speaks
in foreign language]?

I'll see ya next time.

Ah for f*ck's sakes.

The one time in my life I get ahead,

and all you stupid good for
nothin' assholes piss off on me.

I'm afraid lady luck, she
made the decision for us.

Look at the bright side, Percy.

That's Mr. Spencer.

Mr. Spencer, you get to leave a winner.

The operative phrase,
you get to leave huh?

I can't believe youse
gonna p*ssy out too, Sam.

Come on, one more game.

Come on, youse must have
somethin' left to bet.

[plucky music]

Don't do it, Sam.

Look at this guy, huh?

Fat, stupid, drunk.

He's been running on nothin' but luck,

and you and I both know that luck

never beats the brains in the long run.

If I didn't know better,

I'd think youse was talkin' about me.

I own a bar, Mr. Spencer.

It's a little out of the way place,

but it's worth something.

I'm listening.

One game, winner take all!

I put up the bar, you put up

all of the money you won tonight,

and one of us goes home a very happy man.

Deal.

[plucky music]

Woohoo!

[crickets chirping]

[suspenseful music]

Didn't I tell you it
was your own f*ck' house?

Narrator: Now that
Kevin thought about it,

it kind of did make sense

that it was his own house he was robbing,

since as near as he could figure,

no one else in town would have had

so many pictures of
himself hanging around.

I mean, Jesus H.

Even if it wasn't your f*ck' place,

all that sh*t you stole is useless.

Face it, Kevin, youse poor

and your family don't own
nothin' worth stealin'.

Now I know the truth can
sometimes hurt, but let's face it.

You and me's got to
make a f*ck' decision.

Narrator: Kevin told
Allen he was right,

and that he understood,
and that maybe it was time

to just go ahead and destroy the universe

with his god machine.


glued to an air conditioner

ain't a f*ck' god machine, boy.

I'm talkin' about you and me
gettin' out of this place.

Makin' our own way in the world.

Narrator: Kevin wasn't
sure leaving home for good

was such a good idea.

Even though he pretty
much hated his parents

with an all consuming blind rage,

they usually had smokes and canned meat,

and Kevin was pretty sure that
given his limited skill set,

that's about as good as life
was ever going to get for him.

Skill set?

f*ck' world's full of rich people

who don't know jack sh*t about nothin'.

Oh yeah, Milli Vanilli
had a big skill set.

The cast of "Baywatch?"

Chock full of f*ck' talent.

Stephen Hawking?

Narrator: Kevin told the
bird that as far as he knew,

Stephen Hawking was a fairly bright guy.

Big bang my foul feathery f*ck' a*s.

No one called him on it

'cause he was in a f*ck'
wheelchair, that's it.

Narrator: Kevin thought, what?

All youse got to do is get a disguise

and fake being handicapped.

I mean, even if people are
pretty sure youse full of sh*t,

ain't no one gonna call you out,

just in case they's wrong.

Nobody wants to risk being the person

who makes fun of a crippled guy.

I'm a f*ck' genius.

Narrator: Kevin thought about it,

and as near as he could figure,
it was the very best plan

his imaginary friend had ever had.

Well, youse got all
your stuff packed already,

so let's you and me go find us
a disguise and a wheelchair.

You still got that thing?

Man, I'm tellin' you,

you'd better go see a real f*ck' doctor.

That homeless guy you've been goin' to

don't know sh*t.

When you gonna learn
to drink like a man?

f*ck' loser kid.

[plucky music]

[Anastasia snoring]

f*ck, it's like my whole
family can't drink no more.

Whatever will the
neighbors think of us now?

That's right, I don't care.

[phone rings]

Fatty, get up.

Hey, Annie.

[Anastasia snoring]

Big blouse, come on, f*ck.

Hey, hey, hey stretch pants.

Jesus, I gotta do everything around here.

House of f*ck, Captain c*ck speakin'.

[Percy chuckles]

What?

So, so?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'll be right over.

Son of a b*tch.

Who'd have thought owning a bar

would be such a pain in the a*s?

[dramatic music]

What bar?

You own a bar, is it open?

If youse goin' down there,
I's comin' with you.

Come on, come on, let's go!

Fine, but let's sneak out the back.

Broken head's passed
out on the lawn again.

I don't want the f*ck'
leech tagging along

and moochin' off us.

But, Percy.

He's our son!

[Anastasia laughs]

[rock music]

Youse own the Toe?

What's the address here?

What's this?

A seven.

f*ck, it's all so confusing.

We can do this, Percy.

Concentrate.

Are you Percy Spencer?

Who the f*ck wants to know?

I'm the one that called you.

Your bar's over here.

Oh, now I gets it.

[plucky music]

So we responded to the alarm,

and were here within four minutes.

Our guy caught a glimpse of
the perp trying to get away,

gave chase, and managed to
recover all the stolen items.

They called me, and I
got down here right away

to make sure no one
tried to loot the place,

or do any other damage until
the place was secure again.

I called Sam ASAP, and he told
me you were the new owner.

So, so youse like run
a f*ck' alarm company

or something?

That's right, the best in town.

That costs money, right?

Yes, a little, but when--

You're fired, f*ck off.

It really is more prudent to make sure

the company's protected
when you can't be here.

Yeah, well just between you and me,

I'm gonna be here every wakin' moment

for the rest of my f*ck' life,

not to mention bigass here.

And I pity anyone crazy enough

to get between her and the booze.

What's the matter, stupid, are ya deaf?

Get out!

You're going to regret this!

Percy: You can't regret
what you don't understand.

Good one, Percy.

I know!

Geez, I can't believe
we's own our own bar.

It's the second
greatest day of my life.

Geez Percy, what's the first?

I'm savin' that one for the day

youse get the f*ck outta my life.

Any chance of that went
right out the f*ck' window

when youse got this place.

Annie ain't goin' nowheres.

Ah well, let's get drunk.

[jaunty music]

Yeehaw!

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[plucky music]

Seems like they take
forever in there, don't it?

Ooh, that's right.

I'm just a figment of Kevin's imagination.

I sometimes forget.

Jesus H, youse an ugly son of a b*tch.

Anyone ever tell you that?

Mm, that's a nice purse you got there,

you dumb p*ssy whipped pile of sh*t.

Hey, check this out, Quasimodo.

That's my a*s.

Lookit, lookit, lookit.

Now I'm ridin' you like a mule!

Look at me, Kevin, I'm on top of an a*s!

[Allen laughing]

[Kevin giggling]

[teeth chattering]

f*ck' normals.

I hate all of them.

Are you through with
your disguise yet, boy?

Narrator: Kevin told Allen
that he'd narrowed it down

to two choices, but that
he was having a hard time

deciding which one to pick.

No thunderin'.

I got to do everything around here,

and I ain't even real.

Let me see 'em then, boy.

[pleasant music]

[plucky music]

[man chanting]

That's it!

Now create a diversion so we can

steal the f*ck' thing
and get outta here.

[expl*si*n booms]

f*ck, you've gotta learn
some moderation boy.

One of these days, you
gonna get us k*lled.

Narrator: Kevin apologized to the bird,

and told him that to make it up to him,

he was going to take him
drinking, and get him Percy drunk.

Ooh, Percy Spencer drunk?

Man, that's the best kind of drunk.

All right, let's get that wheelchair

and have at it with the f*ck' alcohol.

[expl*si*n booms]

I'm beginning to think

you ain't never gonna learn, broken head.

[machinery whirring]

Sweet.

What the hell's goin' on, Spencer?

I won the bar in a poker game.

Pretty f*ck' cool, eh?

What's with the broads and stuff?

Me and Sam had an understanding.

I had the peelers and low lifes,
and he had the lunch crowd.

And then he went middle class or higher.

Middle class people suck d*ck.

I want drunks and peelers,
my kind of people you know?

After all I've done for you,
you think I'm gonna stand by

and let you f*ck me over?

[intense music]

Don't come on my property again

until youse ready to discuss
things like a f*ck' adult.

[ominous music]

You want a w*r, Spencer?

You got it.

Good for nothin' fat drunk b*stard.

Thinks he can...

[pleasant music]

I know you're the new owner sir,

but well Sam usually pitched in

and helped out during the lunch rush.

Am I Sam?

[Anastasia laughs]

Uh, no.

Then get the f*ck outta my
face, and get back to work.

I'm trying to keep up,
but just the drinks alone!

Not to mention the kitchen

hasn't sent out any of my food orders yet.

Oh I's forgot to tell ya.

You gotta cook all the food too.

[dramatic music]

What?

There's no one in the kitchen?

I fired that prick.

[Spencer chuckles]

I can't cook, serve tables,

and mix all the drinks by myself.

You guys are going to have to work too!

Us workin', that's a good one.

Youse a real f*ck' p*stol, Mark.

I wasn't kidding.

Oh Mr. Talkback thinks he's cool.

f*ck off, you're fired.

Anastasia: f*ck off!

Hey watch this, everybody.

[plucky music]

[Anastasia laughs]

Right in the f*ck' stones.

You see that?

Classic.

Hey, where y'all f*ck' goin'?

Fine, go find someplace else.

We don't need youse as customers anyway.

Now what are we gonna do?

Get hammered and forget who we married?

Yeah, I know that.

But if we don't get some customers,

we's gonna go bankrupt.

So?

Use your head, Percy.

We's got us a f*ck' bar!

Now I don't care if we ever get rich,

but if we's can find a way to
just keep payin' the bills,

then we ain't never gonna have to pay

for another drink again,
as long as we live.

Narrator: The more
Percy thought about it,

the more he realized
that his wife was right.

But that's not the kind
of thing he'd ever admit,

so he called her a fat sh*t can instead.

I'm goin' to have a dump.

Find a way to make this work

by the time I gets back, or else.

Narrator: That left Percy

with only three hours
to solve the problem.

[pleasant music]

♪ I got somethin' baby ♪

♪ Somethin' you want ♪

♪ I got somethin' baby ♪

♪ Somethin' you need ♪

[Percy whispering]

♪ Now I got somethin' ♪

[Percy laughing]

♪ Somethin' you need ♪

[Percy whispering]

♪ Now I got somethin' ♪

♪ Somethin' you want ♪

[music twangs]

What the f*ck?

[groovy music]

Hey there, come on in!

What can I get for ya?

Narrator: Kevin
didn't much like the idea

of being the only person
drinking in a bar,

since it severely limited his options

of stiffing someone else with the tab.

Not to mention, he'd have no
one to mooch smokes off of,

so he told Marty to go screw himself

and wheeled out.

[groovy music]

[choral music]

Your dad just got
himself a drinkin' bar, boy.

Maybe leavin' home wasn't
such a good idea after all.

Come on, youse family and youse crippled.

He's gotta give you free liquor.

[groovy music]

[music twanging]

Hey, easy there friend.

Marty's gonna help ya.

First, I'll take you to the hospital,

then to my lawyers.

[people chattering]

[upbeat music]

Oh, where'd all them
people come from, Percy?

Maybe youse forgot, but
you married a f*ck' genius.

Who the f*ck's gonna serve 'em?

Youse crazy if you thinks
I'm doin' jack sh*t.

That's the beauty
of my plan, big pants.

I sell the booze for cheaper,
but you gotta serve yourself.

That way, all's I gotta
do is sit here and drink.

Make sure everyone pays their tab.

Holy Christ, Percy, it's perfect!

There's absolutely nothin'

that could ever go wrong with this plan.

Not in a million years.

Nothin', it's foolproof!

[upbeat music]

Summons, what the f*ck for?

Here, fatty read this.

Youse gettin' fined by the city

for not having no wheelchair
access to the f*ck' bar.

f*ck' gimpy hop-a-long
crooked walking stumble f*ck.

Them people's always out to get me.

Who filed this f*ck' complaint?

Oh, this is just f*ck' beautiful.

It's the boy.

Screw it, I'll fight him in court.

All's I gotta do is
prove he ain't crippled.

How you gonna do that?

I figure when I start
wailin' on the little prick,

he's gonna have no choice
but to get up and run.

Hm, beatin' up your
own son in a court of law.

That might just work.

[rock music]

Judge: Order, order!

Get up, boy.

Come on, get up!

Mr. Spencer?

Either you display proper
conduct in my courtroom,

or I will have you removed.

But he's fakin' it.

How the f*ck can he say I's
discriminating against him

'cause he's crippled if he ain't crippled?

Your honor, I'd like
to call my next witness,

Dr. William Owen.

This is the spine of a normal
child Kevin Spencer's age,

and this is Kevin's spine.

So, in your opinion, my
client meets all the criteria

for being legally considered handicapped.

Kevin hasn't eaten
any fruit or vegetables

in over five years, and sadly
when he first came to see me,

he had no idea what milk was.

So Kevin Spencer has no choice

but to be confined to a wheelchair?

Well, actually with a proper diet

and some nutritional supplements,

there's no reason he can't regain



I suggested that to him,

but he told me to go f*ck
myself with a shovel.

And did you?

No, I did not.

Well, I've heard enough.

Mr. Spencer, the law is clear

and it is simple.

Public buildings must
provide proper access

to all members of the community.

The court will grant


If you fail to comply,
the court will fine you

the sum of $2,000 a day for each day

you are in breach of this ruling.

[dramatic music]

[funk music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

Anastasia: Well?

Ain't no way that ramp's
gettin' put in in time.

Percy: It's gonna
cost me $300, f*ck that.

But we was clearing more
than that a day in profits,

even after what youse and me was drinkin'.

That ain't the point.

I promised my father on his deathbed

that no matter what
happened to me in life,

I'd never help out no one

who was physically disabled, never.

Your father ain't dead!

Oh yeah, I must've seen it

in a movie once, or dreamt about it.

Screw it, you ready?

Fire away.

[dramatic music]

[glass tinkles]

[flames crackling]

Hello insurance money.

You filled out them
f*ck' forms, right?

Got 'em right here.

What do you mean
you got 'em right here?

You were supposed to drop 'em
off at the insurance company!

I figured I'd just k*ll
two birds with one stone,

and drop them off when we's
go down to collect our money.

That way we don't have to
pay for cab fare twice.

I was savin' us, wait, c*cksucker!

[flames crackling]
[sirens wailing]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Somethin's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

Percy: Middle class people suck d*ck.

I want drunks and peelers,
my kinda people you know?

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[water burbling]