05x11 - Drunken Welfare Man vs. Vernon

[bunniefuu]

[water burbling]

[truck beeping]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His brain don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[both screaming]

[Kevin giggling]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[Kevin giggling]

Percy: How much farther?

Anastasia: Its around here some place.

Remind me again how the f*ck it was

I got conned into this?

I lied, I told you I was
taking you to a peeler bar.

We're going to a peeler bar?

All right!

Lord, give me strength.

I lied 'cause I knew you'd never come

if you knew where we was really going.

Which is?

Uh-uh, no f*cking way is
I lettin' nobody stick me

with no f*ck' needle.

But they gives us 20 bucks every time.

That's a pack of smokes
and a jug of draft, baby.

Baby?

Good for nothing coward.

What?

What the f*ck took you so long?

I thought you was
afraid of getting needles.

Not half as afraid as I am

of running out of booze and smokes.

Amen to that!

Well, I'm out of cash.

Join the f*cking club.

Well, what is we gonna do now Percy?

I don't know about you
but I'm gonna find another

f*cking blood bank.

[upbeat music]

[plucky music]

Wow, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston,

as I live and breathe.

Just wait until the other
nurses hear about this.

What's a Brad Pitt?

The opposite of you,
roll up your sleeve.

Percy, I think she's making fun of you.

Yeah right.

What's this?

Percy: A Band-Aid.

When was the last time you gave blood?

About an hour ago.

Come back in a couple
of weeks, Einstein.

You too, Miss America.

Can we still have juice and cookies?

Knock yourself out.

[both scarfing]

What the f*ck we's gonna do now Percy?

[Percy chewing]

Jesus H tubby, does
I look like a rich man

with f*ck' money-making ideas?

Use your g*dd*mn skull.

If I knew how to get money,

would I be f*ck' standing here with you?

Don't you raise your
f*ck' voice at me!

You ain't the boss of me.

When we's got married, you
promised to provide for me.

When we's got married, I was loaded

and I thought you were someone else.

Tough sh*t!

Youse got me, so start providing.

[suspenseful music]

Excuse me, but other people

would like some cookies as well.

Oh, so now I gotta start
providing for you too?

Is that how it is?

Well, I've got news for you mister.

I got news for all of you
so listen the f*ck up.

[table creaking]

[glass tinkles]

[Percy yells]

[Anastasia laughing]

[blood gushing]

Not so fast, stupid blood.

My head's f*ck'
bleeding, you can have it.

Give me money.

I'd love to, but we're fully stocked

on blood type stupid, come again.

That's it!

How much youse pay for AB negative?

It's the rarest type,

so we are willing to pay a little extra.

How much extra?

$3 a pint.

Oh, that's f*cking sweet.

I don't get it.

That's 'cause all
your head blood is in a

f*cking cookie tin you dumb twat.

Follow me.

Oh surprise, surprise,
Allen got sh*t again.

You always imagine me having sh*t hands.

Narrator: Kevin told the
bird to shut up and play,

since as sad as it was,

this was as close to
being a winner as he was

ever going to be in life.

[suspenseful music]

Hi Kevin!

Hello son.

Oh f*ck!

Relax boy, we just want your blood.

[intense music]

This ain't over, boy!

I created you!

Your blood's half mine!

And you owe me a new pair of pants.

What the hell's that supposed to mean?

I'm not used to running this
much and I pissed my pants.

Boy, that was close!

What the hell you think
that was all about anyways?

Narrator: Kevin told the bird

that he didn't have a clue,
but as near as he could figure,

if it meant his parents
were being nice to him,

then it couldn't be good.

Your blood.

That's what they said.

I heard it clear as day.

Your blood!

Maybe they're vampires.

Narrator: Kevin told the bird

that his parents weren't
vampires, just stupid.

You think maybe
they're stupid vampires?

Narrator: As near
as Kevin could figure,

he'd done enough thinking for one day,

and since the inside of a garbage truck

kind of reminded him of his bedroom,

Kevin hammered back a whole bottle

of prescription cough
syrup and went to sleep.

[video game beeping]

[pee tinkling]

We gotta find the boy.

Jesus, is you pissing
in the hallway again?

Yeah, I mean no.

We gotta toilet upstairs.

A lot of good upstairs does me,

you need a new purse.

You useless f*cking animal.

Not now, we'll deal with that later.

Right now we gotta find the boy,

so we can drain the blood out of him.

Jeez when you put it like that,

well, it sounds kinda wrong.

Oh so now youse gonna chicken out?

Nah, I'll get over it,

but how we gonna find the boy?

He could be anywheres.

I know just the guy.

As a matter of fact, he's
gonna be here any minute.

[doorbell dings]

Come on in.

[western music]

Whoa!

[body thuds]

I'm sorry if my entrance startled you.

My footing grew precarious on condition

of some water on the
floor of your entranceway.

Guess you don't need
a new purse after all.

Who is you?

My name is Vernon Shalabois,

I'm a bounty hunter of
sorts, a friend to those in--

[Vernon farts]

I beg your pardon.

I see from your expression
that your husband

failed to forewarn you

of my strickening gastrointestinal malady.

That means he farts a lot.

Oh, think that makes you cool, do ya?

Well, check this out.

[Anastasia farts]

Touche!

Say, pray tell me what dark forces

led you to contact me?

I understand your son,
a mere boy, is missing.

Narrator: Percy knew better

than to tell the man that he and fatty

wanted the boy back so
they could steal his blood,

so he decided to lie to him
and told the bounty hunter

that Kevin suffered from mental illness

and had wandered away from home,

and that if they didn't get him back soon,

he would probably die

because he didn't take
his medication with him.

That poor lad, cast adrift
in this heartless world

a victim of his own genetic deficiencies.

Unable to even find the
means to help himself.

Oh, I'll help you out people.

Yes indeed.

Old Vernon will surely--

[Vernon farts]

Oh, he is good.

[Percy laughs]

First things first,

we must enlist the aid of
our friends in the media.

We need a picture of your son.

The quicker the word gets out,

the sooner we can return
this innocent lamb

into the warm folds of his mother's arms.

Narrator: Percy told the man

the only picture they had,

was the one the neighborhood
watch people had put

up on all the telephone
poles in the neighborhood.

Oh, well we'll just
cut off all this stuff

about his out of the ordinary activities.

Boys will be boys, I guess.

Oh yeah, you just keep believing that.

So, how long you
figure this is gonna take?

'Cause me and elastic pants over here

gotta figure out some stop gap measures

so we can keep drinking.

I shall endeavor to return
your son by week's end.

Well then have at her, you
funny talking son of a b*tch.

[Vernon farts]

[truck beeping]

Allen: Well, that was a f*ck' treat.

[upbeat music]

Narrator: Kevin told the bird

to be thankful he was imaginary,

because things smelled a
whole lot worse in real life.

Ooh yeah, I count my lucky stars

each and every f*ck' day.

So what the hell are we gonna do now?

[engine rumbles]

[metal clanks]

That's the last of it, eh?

Cash is in here, and remember,

you didn't see nothing,
and we was never here.

So what, that was some kind of ride eh?

From the carnival?

Broken I guess.

What, a loop di loop, sizzler,

some kind of rolly coaster?

It was called the mangler.

And let's just say it
lived up to its name.

You don't need to know no more eh?

Take the cash and beat it,

and make sure all the parts
get covered up pronto.

That's what I do.

Oowhee!

I always wanted to be a carnival worker.

I hear they get more tail than rock stars.

[upbeat music]

And that's why this reporter will never

buy a black car and why, in my opinion,

people that do are worthless scum

who aren't worthy to bathe in the sweat

of a dirty mule's a*s crack.

Back to you, Steve.

Thanks Jim, as always your editorials

provoke thought and discussion.

And in local news, police
are looking for your help

to bring a lost boy home.

Young Kevin Spencer has been missing

for almost a day.

There is a $5,000 reward

for any tips that may
help his grieving parents,

seen here in a file photo.

[dramatic music]

Five grand?

Man, that's enough to live on forever.

We'd have to bleed him out

at least three times to
get that kinda scratch.

The only problem is, that
farting guy is gonna find him

and he's gonna collect the scratch.

Maybe not.

What, youse gonna do it?

Youse would be too
stupid to find your d*ck

if it didn't itch.

Oh yeah, if I haven't said so already,

thanks for that.

Youse a real f*cking peach.

Don't look at me.

Talk to your as*h*le friend, Marty.

You've been doing Marty again?

Why, why no.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Hey, I thought we was
trying to figure out a way

to get the five grand.

Now remember?

You said you was gonna
do it, but then I said

you was too f*cking stupid to do it.

So now what?

Oh I may be too stupid to do it,

but I have a feeling I know who can.

Where's my superhero costume?

I taped it to the bottom of the toilet

'cause it was leaking.

Oh that's just f*cking
perfect, thank you very much.

How do I look?

Well go f*ck a duck, and here I thought

I could never find one
more reason to regret

I ever f*cking married you.

Haha, I'm gonna find the boy

and when I get the five grand,

don't think for a f*cking minute

youse gonna get a dime of it.

[dramatic music]

[somber music]

Oh yes, my senses would not betray me.

This is the definite aroma
of a young and troubled man

permeating this shrine of refuse.

Hello Martha!

What's this?

[Vernon chewing]

just as I thought.

Oh yes!

Young Mr. Spencer did
this very place reside,

mere hours ago!

[Vernon farts]

[trash rattling]

But where did he go from here?

That my friends, is the question.

Where indeed, what's this?

Well, this is certainly
an interesting pickle.

Definitely an 18 wheeler,

weighing considerably less upon departure.

Three grown men, but these
two unwashed webbed feet

on this one, several missing toes,

oh yes Vernon, your skills
have met the challenge

once again, carnival workers.

[triumphant music]

[upbeat music]

[Percy knocking]

Open up, Buck, I'm on
official superhero business.

Yeah what?

You, what?

Can I, something you want?

I'm looking for my kid.

Mute little freak in an
orange shirt and a black hat?

He took off in a garbage truck,

so's I figure he ended up here.

Oh well I don't know,
I didn't see nothing.

Well, maybe this
will fix your eyesight.

[ominous music]

Ah, my ankle!

The kid hopped in the back of a truck

headed for the carnival.

To the carnival!

Hey, sorry about the ankle
thing, youse got any smokes?

No!

Ah, my other ankle.

[dramatic music]

[carnival music]

Step right up!

Step right up!

Hey you, yeah you, you, young man, you.

Come here.

Everyone's a winner!

Narrator: Kevin asked
the man why if everyone

was a winner, then how
come he had only six teeth

and he smelled like grease and urine?

Look kid, you wanna play or not?

Narrator: Kevin told
the man that all he

wanted was to find a
nice, quite place away

from his family where he
could smoke and get loaded.

So you want a job as a carny.

Just fill out this application.

Narrator: Kevin told
the carny he could only

read and write a little bit.

A little bit?

Sure, fancy pantsy college boy.

It don't make you no
better than the rest of us.

You're hired, I'm gonna
go get high, run the game.

Narrator: Kevin was
surprised that the carny

had trusted him with
so much responsibility.

Then Kevin got to thinking
the game was pretty

much self explanatory if
anyone wanted to play,

so he decided to take a nap.

Yes, he's definitely been here.

But damn these other odors.

All Vernon can smell is the overpowering

hideous odor of carnival people.

If only--

[Vernon farts]

[people screaming]

Relax everyone, it is merely my

gastrointestinal malady that has

been my curse for time immemorial.

However, I am here for reasons

not associated with my rectum.

I am in search of a young
man who has gone missing

from the loving arms of his family.

He answers to the name Kevin Spencer.

There is a reward of $5,000

that I would gladly share
with any of you kind people

who could assist me.

Five grand Kevin,
that's the most money ever.

And that gas spewin' as*h*le

is tryin' ta screw you out of it.

Narrator: Allen was right,

as near as Kevin could figure,

he probably had the best shot of

finding himself out of anyone.

They ain't gonna
give you the five grand

for just turning yourself in, boy.

We've gotta get us a plan.

Narrator: And a wolverine, said Kevin.

Yeah, but let's work on our plan

and steal this here f*ck'
carny's money first.

Then we'll talk some
more about the wolverine.

Always with the wolverines.

f*cking idiot.

[plucky music]

Well, well, well.

Sleeping on the job.

Then robbing me and trying to
sneak out the backety back.

Look like someone gonna have
to teach you a lesson, kid.

Narrator: Kevin told the carny

that a lot of different
people had spent years

trying to teach him stuff,

but none of them had been successful,

and that just about all of them

were a whole lot smarter
than a fat useless prick,

who was all grown up,
but too f*cking stupid

to get a real job,

so they had to spend their life

humping around the country
from sh*thole to sh*thole

running a two bit piss poor
excuse for a carnival game.

Why you!

Narrator: Kevin could see
the intelligent summation

of the man's life had failed
to achieve it's intended

purpose of enlightenment,

so he decided to take
a different approach,

and headbutted the
carny right in the nuts.

You, god dang!

Narrator: Kevin figured he'd better get

as far away from the carnival as he could.

Then he saw the beer tent.

[dramatic music]

You seen this kid?

Yeah, he was running one
of the games earlier today.

Tight.

Superhero's coming through,

official superhero business.

Let's go, move,

superhero, f*ck off!

[Vernon farts]

Vernon, that gives me an idea.

The child will be fine, my dear woman.

You see, I'm stricken by a most uncommon--

You just farted on
my boy's candy treat.

As I was saying, I beseech
you for any help you may have

in aiding me to find this young man.

I suppose you're gonna fart on him too?

Oh no!

I mean I might, but not on purpose.

Go to hell, you freak!

Oh it is a cruel, cruel world.

It matters not good people,

for I have given my word
and Vernon Shalabois

always gets his man.

And when you do, I'm
gonna be there to hit you

on the head with a piece of lumber

so's I can collect the money.

[Percy chuckles]

Mommy, look, that ballet
dancer wet his pants.

Ah, son of a b*tch.

[suspenseful music]

Vernon Shalabois, you must
have the luck of the Irish.

[man screams]

Hang on boy, daddy's coming.

[both gulping]

Alrighty!

[Kevin gulping]

[intense music]

Unhand this boy!

I've been entrusted to return him

to the loving arms of his parents.

That was a mistake, my friend.

[intense music]
[fists pummeling]

Rest easy child, old Vernon is here

and he's come to take you home.

First things first though,

there's a little reward to accept.

Narrator: Vernon
was nice enough to stop

and collect the award on the way home,

which when you think about it

was a pretty big mistake,

since the minute they were alone again,

Kevin blindsided him with
a broken off chair leg,

and took all the money for himself.

Then Kevin bought himself
some brand new shoes.

Then Kevin had to get a bunch of stitches

and rabies shots and spend
a week in the hospital.

Wolverine, shoe!

Wolverine, shoe!

f*cking idiot, shoe, wolverine.

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

Woman: And then I watched it again,

and again, and again,
and again, and again!

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[water burbling]