05x09 - Sleeping It Off

[bunniefuu]

[water burbling]

[truck beeping]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[both screaming]

[Kevin giggling]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[Kevin giggling]

Narrator: We asked Anastasia Spencer

about how her family
keeps its laundry clean.

My husband's always
gettin' his clothes filthy.

Look at these stains.

Vomit, blood, dog sh*t from
passing out in the park.

What'll the neighbors think?

Narrator: So what do
you do, Anastasia Spencer?

Do?

Nothin'.

I don't do freakin' laundry.

I get by on my good looks.

Hey, hey you can't
f*ck' lie on television.

Narrator: How would you like to try

El Presidente laundry
detergent for one week?

For free.

Tell you what, we'll come to your house

and do your laundry for you.

Look at them now.

They're cleaner than when
I got 'em at the Goodwill!

Is this voiceover as*h*le
gonna follow us everywhere now?

Gettin' so's I can't even
use the bathroom anymore.

Narrator: We asked
Percy Spencer which brand

of sensitive two ply bathroom
tissue helps him stay dry.

Do you mind, b*stard?

I'm trying to lay cable.

[owl hooting]

Come on, baby.

Gimme some sugar.

I don't feel like it.

Narrator: Periodic
penile problems, Percy?

f*ck off and leave us alone already.

Narrator: Viagra can help
deal with those flaccid bouts

of frustrating erectile dysfunction.

Anastasia: Why don't
ya just turn it off?

The voice will go away
if you turn off the TV.

Percy: Well now you're
just talkin' crazy.

Maybe somethin' else is on.

Narrator: Dreamland's Cable
in the Classroom presents

Pop Soda's Delicious
Science Student Achievers.

Yes, the students at Generic Public School

have gone out of this world,

and we don't mean they're high on crack.

No, they've created a realistic Mars base

right in their classroom.

Let's join Miss Calhoun for more.

Our entire eighth grade
supplemental education class

is so proud.

They worked for a week to
create this Mars base, and...

[wonky music]

I'm not sure they'll need a
bartender in space, young man!

She's been livin' in a dreamland.

I've been in space plenty of times.

Quantum space, inter-dimensional space,

handicap parking space.

Every one of them had some
sort of bartender nearby.

Kevin Spencer, space bartender.

The first person to bring
cough syrup to aliens.

And, thanks to the fine
people at Dreamland Cable,

we've connected a live internet hookup

with handicapped children in Finland.

Now, we can exchange data.

[somber music]

Narrator: Kevin asked
what kids in Finland

had to do with a Mars probe.

About as much as a bartender
in space, you trailer troll.

Narrator: Today's Science Achievers

were brought to you by Pop Soda.

It won't change the color
of your stool anymore.

Narrator: Kevin was
excited to show his parents

his first project for
which he'd ever received

a respectable passing grade.

[Percy glugging]

Way to go, rugrat.

Let me see that paper.

Oh wait a minute, I get it.

You hand me some c*ck and bull story

and next thing I know, you're
serving me some subpoena.

Nice try.

Hey look what I learned to do today.

I noticed that if you pushed the buttons

on the telephone the right
way, you can play a tune.

Listen.

[phone beeping]

Recognize that?

It's "Purple Haze."

Man: Hello, who is this?

Why do you keep calling me?

[Percy laughing]

Finally I can be a famous rockstar,

and tear one off with all them groupies.

[crowd cheering]

[phones beeping]

[crowd cheering]

Oh Percy!

You push all my buttons.

Let me satisfy your desires.

Think I'm getting a cold.

Got any menthol?

[phone rings]

Why's the f*ck' line
been busy for three hours?

I've been writing a song, listen.

[phone beeping]

Knock it off!

Stupid f*ck' b*stard, what
the f*ck is wrong with you?

[phone beeping]

What are you bawling about?

I'm trapped in an
all night adult theater.

I think, I think I've
been sleep walkin' again,

and I'm naked.

Holy sh*t.

Buck naked downtown.

Well don't worry, hang tight.

Me and the boy will get you
first thing tomorrow afternoon.

What?

Come down now?

I just took my shoes
off, I'll catch ya later.

Anastasia: Help me, you gotta help me!

[glass tinkles]

[phone rings]

If she's so naked,

where is she gettin' all
them quarters for the phone?

[glass tinkles]

[low key music]

[steam hissing]

[plucky music]

Nice of ya to pick me up, as*h*le.

I was on my way to the driveway.

Here, I brought something for you to wear.

A tablecloth?

I'm not carrying a
bunch of girly clothes

around like some fruitcake.

Just get me home.

You bet, right after the drag races.

Charlie's got a funny
car he built himself,

and he let the boy do the paint job.

It's awesome, with skulls and dead people.

No sponsors yet, but plenty of booty.

Narrator: Kevin was
filled with anticipation

to see his artistic achievements

rocketing down the jet
funny car drag strip.

He wasn't as excited to
have his naked mother

wrapped in a tablecloth in
a cramped, overheated car.

It was a layer cake of unfortunate

Freudian imagery and body odor,

and Kevin wanted out.

So what's the deal with
all the sleep walkin'?

I've been sleep walkin'
all kinds of crazy places.

Last week, I woke up and
I actually had a job!

No sh*t.

Maybe you better get your head checked

at the nut house, uh hospital.

[engines revving]

[crowd cheering]

Hey g*ng, thanks for coming out.

Your boy sure did a great
paint job on my car.

Percy: Yeah, you don't see Trudeau

on a funny car that often.

Real patriotic.

Narrator: Kevin worked very hard

on the intricate artwork on Charlie's car.

In fact, he gave painstaking attention

to almost every detail,

except properly closing the boot latch.

[engines roaring]
[intense music]

g*dd*mn!

Frig!

[metal crashing]

[crowd cheering]

[siren wailing]

Hey Charlie, I caught your wallet.

I put it in a bucket with your arm.

[Charlie groans]

Thanks buddy.

[speaks in foreign language]

[Charlie groaning]

[rock music]

[Percy snoring]

[ominous music]

[glass tinkles]

[Percy coughing]

What in Christ are ya doing?

What the?

You were chokin' me ya f*ck' skag.

Oh, I must have been
doin' it in my sleep again.

Hey, wait a minute.

Don't ya know you're not supposed to

wake someone up when
they're sleep walking?

That's a f*ck' bullshit rumor.

You could've k*lled me.

[Percy glugging]

Holy, holy sh*t, you're asleep again.

No I'm not.

I just want ya to pay attention,

'cause I'm going to a specialist,

just as soon as the
healthcare can take me.

Narrator: The hospital suggested

that the whole family
come in for a sleep study,

to see if they could find
anything in their sleep patterns

that might be causing
Anastasia's problems.

Did you abstain from
alcohol like I asked?

Yeah, I've been sober for three days.

Me and the boy only
been drinkin' light beer,

and no name cough syrup too.

Okay.

Then you'll notice something unusual.

You'll start dreaming again.

What's that?

I ain't had a dream I remembered in years.

As your substance abuse wears off,

you'll notice something
called REM rebound.

You'll have very lucid, powerful dreams

as your brain becomes aware
that it's sober again.

Now I want you all to sleep well,

and we'll see if anything unusual occurs.

Goodnight!

Thanks for slamming the door.

How are we supposed to sleep

with all this sh*t in our heads?

What do ya think, baby?

[Anastasia smooching]

Doctor: Mr. Spencer?

Any sexual activity can
disrupt the reading.

Fine, I'll just stay in bed then.

Doctor: Any sexual
activity, Mr. Spencer.

I wasn't doin' nothin'.

These are infrared
cameras, Mr. Spencer.

Your groin is a red hot flaming wad.

You ain't kiddin'.

Wait'll the booze starts to kick in.

Oh yeah, there it is.

[Percy snoring]

[gentle music]
[clock ticking]

Hm, so far the only problem

has been Mr. Spencer's night terrors.

[Percy screaming]

Look at all the funny monkeys.

[plucky music]

[monkeys screeching]

Mrs. Spencer, you're about to take part

in an exciting experiment.

[monkey grunting]

Why is that monkey carrying a big ax?

[monkeys screeching]
[ominous music]

I'm from the Federal Bureau of Fun.

I don't think you're
enjoying yourself enough.

Why not try our little secret device

to help you enjoy yourself?

[funky music]

[birds chirping]

[rooster crowing]

So, what's up, Doc?

Well, we noticed Mr. Spencer

suffered from severe night terrors.

[Percy screaming]

Holy sh*t, I knew I shouldn't
have switched to light beer.

I'm going back to self-medicatin'.

[Percy glugging]

But I'm afraid, Mrs. Spencer,

your study didn't show any

significant somnambulistic situations.

I had a bunch of weird dreams.

All about the time when my dad

sent me to the mental hospital.

[Percy chuckles]

You told me about that.

Your dad says you were a big old wh*re,

and you had to be institutionalized.

Can you believe she actually told me

she was a virgin when she met me?

You told me you was in the army!

Boy, our relationship is
sure based on a lot of bullshit.

Mrs. Spencer, your problem
may have a psychological basis.

I'll be referring you to a therapist.

The grandparents are
not expected to live.

And now, on a serious note,

a bizarre crime spree

has been affecting a specific
group of local sportsmen.

We go now to Scott on the spot.

Hey boy, come see.

Charlie's on the idiot box.

Today, jet funny cars
aren't so very funny anymore.

In fact, they're very depressing.

A thief has made these brave dare demons

cry big sissy tears,

because a culprit has been
stealing their thunder.

Someone broke into the garage

and stole all the jet
engines for our funny cars!

My insurance is gonna k*ll me!

Legally I'm not even
supposed to be driving.

Oops, ah, there goes lefty again.

Reporter: And a rash of
murders in the community

is making police scratch their heads.

No clues or leads, or ideas

amongst our uninspired
criminal law enforcement.

Hey boy, you been ripping off

all them funny car motors, ain't ya?

Well, you're cuttin' Daddy in on the deal,

you little snot wad.

Show me where they are.

I got connections who can
sell them outta country.

[upbeat music]

Okay, so where's the engines
you little, holy sh*t!

[dramatic music]

Boy, you've finally done it.

You finally built your own rocket ship

just like you're always bitchin' about.

Hey, you'll be the
first Canadian in space.

Narrator: Kevin pointed out

that there'd already been
plenty of Canadians in space.

Yeah, and my nuts are
just hairy strawberries.

Let's check out the
upholstery, Buck Rogers.

Might make a sweet
little bootleggin' shack.

Suppose this button's
supposed to make it fly.

[engines roaring]

Four, three, two, one,

ignition, liftoff!

Liftoff!

[rocket roaring]

[intense music]

So, Mrs. Spencer, from
your reference I'm told

that you've been suffering
from sleep disorders?

Well, we're gonna take you through

a rigorous regiment of gestalt, scream,

and various other forms of therapy to, hm,

I don't remember leaving that window open.

[therapist screams]

Hide, hide my porn.

Is this part of the therapy?

I have the target.

We'll reconvene at base point delta.

So, you think you can write

anything you want in the newspapers?

Well, you're gonna print
a retraction tomorrow,

or you're gonna have an accident.

What are ya talkin' about?

I don't write for no newspapers.

You don't?

I think I got yours, let's trade.

You're Anastasia Spencer?

Well, we have to talk.

Wow, this is like that show

where the gorgeous chick is a spy.

You know the one, where the
guy has a phone in his shoe?

[rocket roaring]
[dramatic music]

[alarms blaring]

Where's the beer fridge
in this piece of sh*t?

Narrator: Kevin tried
to explain to Percy

that they were in real trouble,

because they might not be able

to escape planetary gravity
with his fat a*s on board.

You callin' me a fat a*s?

Besides, this thing ain't such hot sh*t.

None of the TVs even
get the sports channel.

[alarms blaring]
[dramatic music]

[glass tinkles]

[rocket whirring]

I wonder what alien
planet we landed on, boy.

Maybe one with all kind of chicks

like in those old movies
they're always showing

on the neighbor's cable.

Well, guess we'd better go open up

the old diplomatic relations
between our two worlds.

Narrator: Kevin and
Percy didn't realize

that they'd landed in Vulcan, Alberta

which is a hotbed of science
fiction convention freaks,

so they weren't surprised

by the bizarre alien life forms they saw.

[speaks in foreign language]

That is our traditional greeting.

Welcome to Spacebowl 2003.

Your recreated rocket ship
is a very impressive effort.

Yeah, I worked real hard.

The boy helped a bit,
but it was mostly me.

Come with us to enjoy

the most spectacular
convention in the universe!

[eerie music]

So, Mrs. Spencer.

We meet again.

Who the f*ck are you?

God, your brain is that shot?

I've dealt with you at least three times.

When you were kidnapped?

I never heard of ya.

Mrs. Spencer, I believe
I can shed a little light

on your sleep problems.

In the 1960s, the American government

was experimenting with LSD

in Montreal's psychiatric hospital,

the same one you were staying at.

Yeah, I remember that.

It was pretty good sh*t, too.

Yes, except we then trained you

to be a hired k*ller, an assassin.

You're the one who's been
murdering government officials.

What are ya nuts?

I couldn't m*rder my way
out of a wet paper bag!

It's all very easy to understand.

You see, it was just after the Cold w*r,

and fear gripped America
from all quarters.

Oh Christ, how long is this gonna take?

[eerie music]

This must be where all
the other space aliens

meet to talk about sh*t.

Hey look at those sorry old f*ck.

How's it going fellas?

We're from planet earth.

[speaks in foreign language]

What, these guys all
sound like the ret*rds

in my literacy class.

He said you looked familiar.

Were you at Spacebowl '99?

What about Space Con '74?

I've got you all beat.

I was at the original Space
Trek Convention Bowl '68.

Oh!
Whoa.

Yeah, well I had a girlfriend once.

Oh, you b*stard.
b*stard.

Time to go.

Brent Spiner is going
to make another speech

about how much he hates
being a rich TV celebrity.

Ooh, I love him.

Is he the one who paints?

Narrator: Kevin thought
all the space travelers

were real depressing,
so he decided on a plan.

[electronics whirring]

Because if there's one thing he'd learned

from years of beer commercials,

alcoholism is the panacea
for cultural boredom

throughout the known universe.

[intense music]

Boy I bet you could suck
your way into a lot of trouble

with a blower like that.

Excuse me, is this your Martian bar?

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

I thought of it myself and everything.

I represent the candy company

that owns the copyright
to the name Mars Bar.

You'll have to close
down this establishment.

Besides, there's no smoking here.

What, what?

What did you say?

In space, no one will let you smoke.

It's showtime, f*ck.

[upbeat music]
[people yelling]

[guard sighs]

Why does this happen every year?

Because they're idiots, Frank.

Neurotic, eccentric, pathetic idiots.

Come on, let's bash some alien rubber.

I've set my laser to stun!

Yeah, and we've set our
tasers on shut the f*ck up.

And of course, under Castro's Cuba,

Nixon couldn't take any chances.

[Anastasia snoring]

Yeah, listen.

I know we're not supposed to be here,

but can we join our fight
team with your fight team?

I could use some help with
these freakin' aliens.

Sure thing, sweetheart.

It's all probably a dream anyways.

[upbeat music]
[people shouting]

Narrator: From that
day on, Anastasia promised

to only go to bed drunk
for the rest of her life,

so she'd be too uncoordinated
to do any damage to anyone.

[Anastasia glugging]

It's a sacrifice, but
I make it for my family.

[Anastasia glugging]

Narrator: Yes, you Anastasia Spencer

are this week's Pop Soda
Delicious Science Achiever.

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

Guard: Yeah, and we've set our tasers

on shut the f*ck up!

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[water burbling]