05x08 - Sore Throats

[bunniefuu]

[water bubbling]

[bell dings]

[squirrel coughing]

[squirrel coughing]

[squirrel coughing]

[truck beeping]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

[water splashing]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[laughs]

[man panting]

[gentle lullaby music]

[Dad snoring]

[tense music]

[Kevin laughing]

[laughing]
[screaming]

[man panting]

[screaming]

Hey look, Kevin, it's your fat daddy.

Here we is, Percy!

Over here!

Narrator: Kevin told his mom

that he couldn't help but notice

that the old man didn't look too happy.

Yeah, well me and the old man gave up

on happiness a long f*cking time ago.

So just shut your face hole
and start the f*cking car.

[tires screeching]

This ain't over.

You hear me, fatty?

As God as my witness I will [screams]

[laughs]

[tense music]

[engine revving]
[parents screaming]

[car crashing]

[upbeat music]

[somber music]

I still say it's a f*cked
up game for a kid to play.

If he was gonna k*ll us he'd
have done it a long time ago.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I'm always right.

f*ck that.

Whatever.

Oh, by the way, this come
for you's today in the mail.

What is it?

f*cked if I know.

What do you know?

Everything.

Fat chance.

You're fat.

[screams]

[laughs]

I told you it wasn't over, fatty!

You's f*cking done for.

Ooh, I'm real scared.

[man panting]

[upbeat music]

[Dad chomping]

[suspenseful music]

[Dad panting]

[Dad chewing]

There.

That oughta brighten the place up.

Plants are stupid.

[suspenseful music]

[Dad screams]

[Mom laughing]

Yeah, you keep laughing,

you f*cking hideously huge fat beast.

You's gonna pay for that.

Bring it on, a*s face.

[upbeat music]

Okay, just so's I got the rules straight,

you win, I owes you 100 bucks.

I win, and you and them
friends of yours gotta do me.

Sure.

What the hell?

You ain't gonna win.

Yeah, we'll just see about that.

Oh, and hey, you two
f*ck start drinking.

I want you's nice and
loaded so you's last longer.

I don't want you's busting a nut

the minute you see my f*cking honeypot.

[Mom farts]

Oh, Jesus, that's repeating.

Excuse me, fellas.

[ba*ls clacking]

[man groans]

No, no!

I'm gonna get me a beer.

You's fellas head to the back room

and start getting undressed.

[upbeat country music]

I see you won again, Annie.

Yeah, it's almost like

that f*cking table's crooked or something.

Oh, you don't say.

A deal's a deal, right?

[laughs]

Don't you worry, Marty.

I'll make sure the hidden
camera gets it all.

Now, how's about you
get me a jug of draft?

[man knocks]

[Annie knocks]

Take your clothes off and come on in.

We're ready.

Man, this is gonna be sweet.

Man, this is gonna be sweet.

Hello, where's the light at?

What the hell?

Ah, sh*t.

[truck beeping]

Yeehaw!

What the?

[Annie screams]

You's a f*cking dead man, Percy!

[man panting]

[g*n firing]

Narrator: Kevin was playing
his favorite video game.

It had over 100 different levels,

but Kevin had never made
it past the first monster

because he wanted to make sure

the son of a b*tch was good and dead.

Hey, Kevin, where the
f*ck's your daddy at?

Narrator: Kevin thought
about it for a minute,

then he told his mom he
pretty much didn't care

where the fat prick was

and that, come to think of it,

he could stand with seeing a
whole lot less of her as well.

Yeah, dig that hole
deeper, smart mouth.

I'll deal with you later.

In the mean time, when you see
that sack of sh*t I married,

tell him he's done for.

[controller clicking]

Narrator: Kevin had forgotten

that fatty had unplugged his game,

and he was plenty pissed off.

He was going to plug it back in,

but then he got to thinking

that it was a whole sh*t load of work,

getting up and going all
the way across the room.

So he figured he would just sh**t

his own reflection in the TV.

[g*n firing]

[electricity shorting]

Hey, hey!

Only one clip, boy.

We ain't the f*cking Rockefellers here!

Kevin hated the one clip per day rule

so he threw his g*n through the television

in a pointless expression
of adolescent rebellion.

Then he ran out the door,

and he figured he'd keep right on running

until all the problems
of his past disappeared

or until he collapsed with exhaustion.

as*h*le!

Narrator: Kevin made it

almost all the way to the sidewalk.

Then he hammered back half
a bottle of cough syrup

and fell asleep with a
lit cigarette in his hand.

[squirrel chittering]

[squirrel coughing]
Hey!

Get away from him, cancer squirrel.

f*cking idiot.

[Annie farts]
Say that again.

I just farted real loud,

and I didn't hear ya.

All right, fine.

I'll drop the money off later today.

Lord thundering wide load,

what's it take to get you's
into the f*cking bathtub?

You still smell like sh*t.

That's because I just
cracked one, ya A hole.

I'm as clean as any other overweight,

alcoholic welfare mother you's ever met.

Got it?

Nah, I wasn't really listening.

I'm going drinking.

You got any money?

In the words of Winston
Churchill, f*ck off!

Who's this Churchill as*h*le?

I suppose you been
stepping out with him too.

He's dead, you stupid, dumb idiot.

Lucky for him.

Otherwise he would've
been, courtesy of me.

Where's your purse at?

Nowhere.

[tense music]

[twinkling music]

[tense music]

[screaming]

[Percy laughs]

Perfect.

Everything exactly the way I planned.

[squirrel chittering]

Hey, get the f*ck away from my smokes!

[squirrel chittering]

[squirrel coughing]

Narrator: Kevin had just woken up

from his fourth cough
syrup nap of the day,

and he was feeling pretty
lightheaded and dizzy.

He figured a smoke would
help that right quick,

but he was all out.

No smokes?

Well isn't that a fine, how do you do?

Narrator: As near
as Kevin could figure,

life wasn't worth living without smokes.

And he was going to end it all

when he saw a fat, straggly squirrel

running across the yard
with a pack of his brand.

Kevin was excited.

He'd often dreamed of a magical world

where giant squirrels
brought you cigarettes

and exploding goats
would duel to the death.

[goat explodes]

[Kevin laughs]

Holy f*ck, just get the smokes, boy.

[upbeat music]

[squirrel chittering]
[squirrel coughing]

[man panting]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, as*h*le.

You better be there or I swear to f*ck

I'll smash your god damn
face in with my f*cking boat.

[phone slams]

Ah, Jesus, I hate
organizing family reunions.

I hate eels.

Give me a jug of draft.

Think they're better than snakes

just because they can swim underwater.

Assholes.

Not until you's pay for the
damage you done to my place.

Why, I don't know what
you're talking about.

You filled the storage
room full of raw sewage!

Cost me 400 bucks to get the place clean.

What we got here, Marty,
is a simple misunderstanding.

'Cause when you think about it,

it was really all fatty's fault.



Fine, here's my credit card.

Who the f*ck's Charlotte Podunk?

I changed my name.

How the hell could you
afford something like that?

I used my credit card.

La dee dah!

Don't make you no better
than the rest of us.

Yes, it does.

[man panting]

[phone beeping]

[man panting]

[man knocking]

Yeah?

Someone just used
that stolen credit card

you asked me to keep an eye out for.

Where?

Camel Toe Inn.

Did you send some
uniforms to pick the perp up?

Not yet.

I wanted to make sure
I kept you up to speed

on any new developments.

Well thanks, but you
better get some of our boys

over there pronto before
the perp takes off.

Will do.

Thanks.

[man panting]

[phone beeping]

[sirens wailing]

[Marty laughing]

[customers screaming]

[Percy screaming]

[upbeat music]

All right, you's just make
sure he gets stuck in a cell

with that guy who's in
the papers everyday,

and I'll make sure you's get the cash

and them pictures of you
putting the blocks to me

will all be destroyed.

They better be, and
any copies you made too.

Put him in cell four.

Cell four?

You're kidding, right?

Do I look like I'm kidding?

But he'll be--

Just do it!

So what's the big
f*cking deal with cell four?

That's where they're
holding Lucas Taylor

until he's transferred.

Who the hell's Lucas Taylor?

A serial k*ller, the cannibal!

They found body parts all over his house.

And I gotta share a cell with him?

Yep.

f*ck, I hope he smokes

because my pack's on
the bar back at The Toe.

This is a no smoking facility now.

No!

Really?

That's fantastic!

I can't wait!

I'll be there for sure!

Sounds like you got some good news.

Suck my d*ck, f*ck face.

Well, well, well.

And here I thought I'd already
been served my evening meal.

Hey, this is a non-smoking place.

I told the guys they
were more than welcome

to take them away from me.

None of them seemed to
want to get that close.

That's 'cause all cops is pussies.

So can I have one?

Sure.

Come get one.

Closer, closer.

[tense music]

[man screams]

Sounds like trouble in cell four.

We better get down there.

His wife only paid to have him hurt.

I mean, I wonder what's going on.

[suspenseful music]

He fell down.

A lot.

Look, Percy, this has
all been a big mistake.

You can go, and listen, friend,

if anyone ever asks, we didn't
take the crazy serial k*ller

out of solitary and put
him in a cell with you

because your wife had pictures
of me having sex with her

and I don't want my wife to see them.

I mean, you were never here.

Narrator: Kevin was fascinated
by the smoking squirrel.

Kevin didn't know much
about chemistry and biology,

but as near as he could figure,

any squirrel who smoked
as much as this one did

must be chock full of nicotine.

So Kevin ate him.

[Kevin belches]

Annie: That was a good one, boy.

[funky music]

Narrator: Having a live squirrel

f*cking around inside
you was the kind of thing

that pissed Kevin off.

So he figured he'd
learn the son of a b*tch

some manners right quick.

[funky music]

Kevin didn't know much
about anatomy either

or else he probably wouldn't
have punched himself

in the liver that many times.

[squirrel chittering]

[squirrel splatting]

[tires screeching]

What the f*ck's on?

Uh, um, uh, well uh,

[upbeat music]

What the?

[upbeat music]

That better not have been that
Winston Churchill b*stard.

Nah, it was just some Jehovah

selling titty clamps door to door.

I let him use the toilet.

Well, that makes sense.

What, did you forget to f*cking flush?

Geez, you don't look so good, boy.

But uh, hey, since you're up,

why don't you get us a couple of beers?

as*h*le kid.

Ain't that the truth?

Listen, Percy, maybe this
whole practical joke thing's

got out of hand.

So's, uh, how's about we call it off?

Yeah, I guess you's right.

And the winner of
tonight's $10,000 first prize

on Canada's Funniest
Security Camera Videos is

"Fatty Takes a sh*t Bath"
from Marty the bartender.

[laughs]

Look at you!

f*ck, you're huge.

[laughs]

Ow!

You's gonna pay for that.

Ooh!

I'm real scared.

[parents punching]

[Percy screams]

[Annie laughs]

[upbeat music]

[Annie laughs]

[Annie screams]

[Percy laughs]

[Percy screams]

[TV crashes]

[lighter clicks]

[squirrel chitters]
[squirrel coughs]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

Percy: He fell down

A lot.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[water bubbling]

[bell dings]