04x12 - BUZZ

[bunniefuu]

[whistling tune]

[shatters]

[bouncy music]

I thought we were supposed
to be in Ottawa by now!

Darin: Yeah, we would be if Jeff knew

where the hell he was going!

Hey, Jeff!

You're the biggest,
stupidest, worst driving,

dumb-a*s, c*ck-sucker I've ever had

the misfortune of meeting.

[tires screeching]

I don't need this sh*t in my life!

From here on in, you two are on your own!

[horn honking]

[tires screeching]

What the hell we gonna do now?

Ah, f*ck em.

We'll make the show ourselves.

Let's just get this
shitbox to the nearest town

so I can find a bar.

[slow music]

[birds chirping]

Geez, look at the time.

I better hurry up and get ready for work.

[curious music]

[laughing]

That's funny!

Let's go upstairs and f*ck.

[upbeat music]

Mom: Oh yeah.

[tires screeching]

For the last f*cking time, shut up!

One more word outta'
you and I swear to God

I'll punch you in the face!

What'll it be?

A jug o' draft and two glasses.

Sitting in a bar drinking, all day,

isn't gonna get the show made.

Hey, man, we got plenty
of time to make the show, K?

Check this out.

Will you please quit talking to me?

[scratching]

Don't say I didn't
warn ya' man number two.

[punches]

[laughing]

Narrator: Kevin
wondered what the two guys

were laughing at.

He was going to ask
them, but then he figured

he wouldn't understand anyways,

and probably wouldn't care even if he did.

So he just ordered his
usual and thought about

all the good times he
would have in a few hours

once the alcohol obliterated any sort of

cognitive recognition he
might have of his own life.

[thudding]

Jeff: I'm headed back to Toronto.

So, you know, as close you
could take me, that'd be cool!

Driver: I like your
shoes, are they Cuban?

I got them at the mall.

[creepy laughing]

That's funny, let's trade souls.

[electric music]

[tires screeching]

[suspenseful music]

[screams]

[bed squeaks]

[off-tune tuba]

Mom: Oh yes, baby.

Oh, f*ck.

What's the matter, baby?

I left my smokes
downstairs, go get em' for me.

Get them yourself!

Come on. Woman, it
won't take 'bout a minute!

Hey, that's 30 seconds longer than you!

You're lucky I got it
up in the first place!

Now, go get my smokes!

I ain't f*cking moving an inch.

Well, I ain't moving neither.

Well then, I guess we're
just both gonna sit here

until we rot, and die.

Look's like it, fatty.

Up yours.

Don't talk to me no more, ever!

Narrator: Kevin didn't much care

for the two losers sitting next to him,

or their long-winded bullshit stories

about being big-time celebrities.

But, since they were buying,
he figured he'd play along.

Hey, I think it's time you
bought a round, marker face.

Narrator: Kevin
figured he better come up

with a plan right quick, or
he'd have to start paying

for his own liquor.

So he told his new friends, Darin and Moe,

that he knew where there
was a secret entrance

to the bar's storage room
and if they followed him,

they could all steal as much
booze as they could carry

and then go get loaded in an alley.

And that way no one would
have to buy anything.

Now that's good thinking,

why can you be more like that Darin.

Because, I'm not a white
trash teenage alcoholic.

[laughs]

Narrator: Kevin didn't
laugh along with them

because he didn't think
there was anything wrong

with being a teenage,
White Tr*sh, alcoholic.

Then Kevin thought he saw a baby werewolf

on his leg and fell off his
stool trying to slap it away.

[playful music]

[laughs]

[radio chatter]

[buzzes]

We got the ID, photo matches the one

on his driver's license.

Jeff Pamplemousse.

Isn't that French for Grapefruit?

Yeah.

Stupid name, did you call in the clown?

Yeah, boy that's some job, huh?

[doorbell rings]

♪ Hey Mr and Mrs Pamplemousse ♪

♪ I'm sorry to have to say
your beloved son Jeff ♪

♪ Won't be coming home today ♪

♪ He's been the victim
of a violent as*ault ♪

♪ That resulted in his
death and now you'll have ♪

♪ To make some arrangements
to lay his soul ♪

♪ To rest ♪

[cries]
[honks]

[Cries] Is this some kind of sick joke?

No sir, it's a new departmental policy,

we did a focus group and
resolved that people like clowns.

And we think it helps ease the
grief of losing a loved one.

[laughs] yup.

[slams]

[ska music]

I'm dizzy.

That's 'cause you aint had
no food or booze in four days.

Now if you want to feel
better alls you gotta do

is haul your fat a*s down
stairs and get my smokes.

Not f*cking likely.

Stubborn f*cking cow.

I'm bored.

I think I'm gonna sh*t the bed again.

Well that's just perfect.

[upbeat music]

Narrator: Kevin and
his new friends had spent

the last three days sitting
in an alley drinking



And he was feeling pretty
good about himself.

He didn't think his new friends
were feeling quite the same.

But thankfully he didn't
give a rat's a*s about them.

So he kept on drinking.

We gotta sober up and we
gotta finish making our show,

or the Comedy Network's gonna
have our a*s in a sling.

We can't even remember

where we left the camera.

It's in the van.

f*ck.

We can't even remember
where we left the van.

[gulps]

Hey that'd make a
great idea for a movie.

Dude, where's my van.

That's got comedy
gold written all over it.

Narrator: Uh-oh Kevin
thought, werewolves.

[eerie music]

Hey we should write that down.

[yawns]

Maybe after a little nap?

Yeah, a little shut
eye, that sounds good.

[upbeat music]

So when the body of
cameraman Jeff was found,

Darin and Moe still out
there, at first I thought

it was a kidnapping of some
crazed fan stalking them,

but no one has sent any demands.

I want you to find them.

Two young men, lost, perhaps

in the clutches of some mad man,

one would have to not possess a conscience

to remain idle under such conditions.

[farts]

I, Vernon Shalibois, will
rise to this challenge,

rest assured Darin and
Moe will once again nest

in the comfort of their former lives

unscathed by the brutal hands of evil.

[farts]

[farts]

[shatters]

[upbeat music]

Jesus Percy we's gonna die like this.

So?

I always thought when
I died it would be cooler.

Like a racecar crash, or stroking out

doing some guys or something.

I always figured I'd
die in a knife fight

with Charlie Sheen.

That aint never gonna happen.

It will if I ever meet him.

That guy f*cking do.

What if you don't never meet him?

Slow debilitating liver
failure from the booze.

Just like daddy, [laughs]

You're old man aint dead yet.

No but he's close, [laughs]

See we can still have good
times together like we used to,

now how bout getting them smokes?

Ah Jesus Percy, what
the f*ck, you win baby.

Jesus Lord, help me Percy,
I'm too f*cking weak to go on.

[clatters]

Oh aint that always the way,

fine I'll do it my f*cking self.

But you owe me.

[inspirational music]

Go Percy, Go, run like the wind baby

and bring me some smokes.

Percy: Get your own fatty.

[soft music]

Boy this is the f*cking life aint it,

the only thing missing is some hoes.

Narrator: Kevin told Alan he was sorry,

but that he'd spent the wh*re money

getting the words, Big
Tattoo, tattooed on his back.

You always was a literal b*stard Kevin.

So what you wanna do with them two guys?

Narrator: Kevin really
didn't have any long range plans

for his new friends, he
just figured he'd keep them

tied up long enough to
use their camera equipment

so he could put himself in their show.

That's good thinking Kevin,
the ladies love famous people.

What the hell are we gonna do man?

He's crazy, look at him over
there, talking to himself.

Maybe Jeff will send help.

Yeah maybe.

[eerie music]

Ah yes, the bleak doom
of the k*lling field.

[sniffs]

ah-ha, hmm, what strange
brew is this, blood.

The co-mingled sweat of
two men and, [slurps]

whoa nelly, what's this?

A human hair, and not from
the owners of either sweat.

[chomps]

Hmm, nicotine, after shave,

paint thinner, several types of alcohol,

a hint of marijuana, a
smattering of prescription drugs

and what's that, do my senses deceive me?

No Vernon they do not, the
subtle taste of a urinal puck.

To the nearest city Vernon.

Geez I feel like sh*t,
well this ought to fix me up.

One Percy-nater special coming up.

Add a little mint flavor and voila.

[whirs]

[gulps]

Shazaam.

[pounds]

Can't, heart, hardly chest pounding,

must get more smokes.

[clatters]

If yous going for
smokes bring me a cotton,

oh and a f*cking doctor too.

Percy.

What?

Help me, I'm dying
Percy, for the love of god,

I've seen the monsters of
sobriety and it frightens me.

Some please can you just
crawl up in the backyard

so you don't stink the
place up when you rot.

[laughs]

Oh that's it, sweet sweet
rage, give me some energy,

just enough to get
Percy, that's all I ask.

[dramatic music]

Come on you son of a wh*re,
I know you're in there.

[moans] Too much urinal puck.

Smokes, there is a f*cking God.

Oh yes, I can feel the
life coming back into me.

Oh now to take it out
on that fat prick Percy.

Holy f*ck, if I don't
get some booze into me soon

I'm liable to, [smacks]

I told you you couldn't fly
but oh no, Kevin knows best.

Now come on, if we're
gonna steal their camera

and make a TV show we aint
got time for no concussion

induced pussying out.

[upbeat music]

[farts]

Ah man's best friend.

You foul, hideous, creature.

Alas, I suffer from a
gastro intestinal ailment

my dear woman.

It has affected me since
childhood but rest assured,

Vernon Chalibois is no harm to you

or your four legged friend.

Perhaps you're being a
local, you could help me?

[sprays]
[screams]

Die homeless person, die.

Man, I never figured
I'd go out like this?

Me neither.

I always figured I'd die of old age.

Old age?

That's not very glamorous.

Who wants glamor?

I just don't want to be dead.

Well unless someone finds us soon,

it aint gonna matter either way.

[upbeat music]

Okay, I'll stand
guard while you bust in

and get the stuff.

Narrator: Kevin
wondered if it was possible

for an imaginary friend
to actually stand guard,

since he was a
manifestation of Kevin's own

disassociated psyche he
would only react to stuff

Kevin saw in the first place.

Then Kevin thought he saw
some werewolves coming

and figured he'd be a whole
lot safer in the van anyway.

[shatters]

Geez, you know Karate,
Kevin, aint that convenient.

[soft music]

[playful music]

[whirs]

Narrator: Kevin and
Alan were all set to make

the next episode of Buzz, but they figured

they'd better spend 10 minutes brushing up

on the basics of television production

just so they wouldn't look like morons.

Holy f*ck, all them
fellas do is walk around

with a camera making fun of people

and acting like goofs
and they get paid for it?

That's a better racket than welfare fraud.

Let's just you and me
finish this round of drinks

and then get started on making
the next episode of Buzz.

[sniffs]

Finally the hunter closes in,

it won't be long now, Darin and Moe.

[farts]

Damn this infernal gastro
intestinal condition.

Damn you to hell!

[bell rings]

Watch where the f*ck
you's going asswipe.

[soft music]

Do you think he's dead?

That would be so cool, I
wonder what that would be like?

Who cares, let's just
kick him in the head and run.

[whacks]

Ow.

Damn you disenfranchised youth.

Son of a b*tch, I need a drink.

[glugs]

Uh-oh, it's fatty.

See you broken head.

Where's my smokes
at yous ignorant f*ck?

Oh, look at all the
beer, momma forgives you.

[gulps]

[glugs]

Hey you two, lousy,
backstabbing, b*stards.

Oh beer, daddy forgives you.

You best keep 'em coming
boy, you f*cking owe us.

[gulps]

It's that f*cking rummy
that was passed out outside.

Some peoples got no f*cking class.

What'll it be pal?

Might a weary traveler trouble you

for a pull of water?

I tell you what, I'll
give you a drink of tap water

if you promise to quit talking
like some limey fruitcake

and f*ck off as soon as you're done.

My good man that would be splendid.

[gulps] What's this?

Tap water, you stupid as*h*le.

More than that my
good man, more than that.

I believe you have solved the riddle

that has been perplexing me.

I only hope my arrival is
in time to salvage the lives

of those two young men.

So what's the camera for boy?

Narrator: Because
Kevin was kind of bloated,

and didn't have enough ambition to lie,

he decided to tell his parents the truth.

Wow, a real live TV
show, can I be on it?

Every TV show needs a
glamorous femme fatale.

Yeah and I can be
like the master criminal

or the guy with the huge
wang if it's a porno.

Hang on Darin and Moe, Vernon's coming.

[inspirational music]

Did you hear that Moe,
we're gonna be saved.

Hey boys, it's quitting time.

[splashes]

Narrator: Since walking
around the town lugging a camera

seemed like a whole lot of work

it wasn't as close to a keg
of beer as they already were.

The Spencers just figured they'd sh**t

their episode of Buzz, right
there at the bar table.

So what, say something funny.

Any hotties looking for
good time call Percy Spencer,

I got a huge rod.

[bangs]

[clatters]
OW.

[Growls]

Mom: Christ.

[moans]

sh*t.

[tense music]

There he is, get the little freak.

As soon as I had tasted that water

with it's subtle melange of big city smog,

cheap cologne and inherent sweaty filth

of those involved in the
entertainment industry,

I knew Darin and Moe had
contaminated the water supply.

That's swell, now piss off.

We've got TV business to take care of.

[farts]

[bangs]

Well guys, Jeff's dead, and what's worse,

those drunken, white
trash hillbilly freaks

used your camera to film themselves.

But we got the camera back.

This is Canadian TV,

we can only afford so many tapes.

If it's been shot it goes to air.

That's just the way it is.

Okay, I thought that whole,
no matter what gets shot

it goes to air thing, was just a myth.

Have you ever seen Danger bay?

I don't care what's on that tape,

just find a way to use it in your show.

Well that's just f*cking perfect.

Who the hell in their
right mind wants to watch

a comedy show about some
fat, alcoholic, unemployed,

White Tr*sh parents,
and their psychotic kid?

Not even in Canada.

[bright music]

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His a teen, f*cking,
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Man: The M the I the S
the T the A the M the O.

[guitar riffs]

[bubbles]