[upbeat music]
[bright whistling]
[car engine revving]
[feet tapping]
[teens laughing]
Teen: Yeehaw.
[tires squealing]
[lively music]
[whistling]
[glass shattering]
Narrator: Long, long ago,
in a land now forgotten and on a planet
many galaxies away where
the three suns shone down
like scolding beacons,
there arrived a child.
This was a child only imagined, conjured
and created from the mind of this man,
Arthur Molten, a junior bank teller
from Plainsfield, Ontario.
Let us go forward in
time before we go back.
Arthur was a nobody, struggling his way
through the work-a-day
world of modern man.
He spent his nights alone in his basement
building and perfecting a time machine
that would enable him to
enter the fourth plain of
consciousness and teleport himself to any
destination in the universe.
After many years of
struggle the machine worked,
and Arthur was sent to
this far away planet.
Unfortunately, Arthur forgot to transport
another time machine with him.
So, the only one in existence was still
in his basement, in Plainsfield.
Arthur had doomed himself to die alone
on some distant planet
and thus in a delusional
craze of heat-stroke and despair,
he did imagine a friend.
A friend of immense power who
would travel back in time,
and infest the minds of mankind.
Behold!
The Octa-Baby!
[eerie music]
[upbeat music]
c*ck-sucker!
I wasn't talking about you lady
unless you's interested. [laughs]
Well, I never.
Well then keep walking,
don't matter none to me
I been shot down by better
looking women than you.
Jock one up for the personator!
Now, what the f*ck was I doing?
oh yeah right, c*ck-sucker!
Yes?
Oh geez, sorry I thought
you were somebody else.
Are you still gonna be here in 15 minutes?
I need you to read me this letter.
Well bring it up here!
You come down here!
No!
I don't do stairs no more!
Jesus, woman you know I got a bad heart,
why you think I sleep on
the couch all the time?
Because you're a fat, lazy, drunk!
Well, that too just get the f*ck!
What the hell?
[screaming]
[laughs]
You should have seen your face!
What the f*ck happened?
Gravity, you fat slob.
I think there's a ghost
in our house, Brycie.
I swear to Christ it felt
like somebody pushed me!
[eerie music]
I only wish I cared.
Now are you gonna read
me this letter, or what?
It says you gotta
go to job re-training,
or they's gonna cut off your welfare.
They can't make me work,
I'm on longterm disability.
No you ain't!
Phillip Johnson is!
Who the f*ck is Phillip Johnson?
That's the name your
forged on them forms to get
a long term disability!
[kid screams]
Oh that's right, I'm me.
Well I guess I better go
get my good clothes on,
and get this f*cking sh*t over with.
Give me that other letter!
Oh!
Ms. Anastasia Spencer,
now that's f*cking classy!
Son of a c*ck-sucking wh*re,
I got f*cking jury duty!
Swear all you want,
but that's 35 bucks a day.
That's the best job you ever had!
Looks like I gotta get
my fancy clothes on, too!
[playful music]
[upbeat music]
Sit your GED holes down
and put a lid on the hoo-ha!
Alrighty then, I guess
most of you figured out
why you're here by now.
Damn, the has-it must be
thicker than a pole-cat's knob.
Most of you are failures
or you'd already have jobs,
the rest of you are just
trynna screw the system
that's fine as far as this lady goes
because as long there are losers like you
in a world, I keep getting a paycheck.
[screaming]
[crashing]
[yelling]
[classroom gasps]
[dramatic music]
What?
You're late and disruptive!
And you're ugly and fat!
So where is that legal?
I would suggest you
mend your attitude if you
expect to actually find
gainful employment.
All's I'm looking for is my 20 weeks,
so I can get on the UI gravy train.
You're a leech on society.
Yeah, tell me something I
don't know, girl pants! [laughs]
I'm not wearing girl's pants!
Don't ever talk to me again,
or I'll tear you a f*cking new one!
Okay fellas, pissing match is over,
so zip-up and shut up!
The first thing we're gonna do,
is fill-out this aptitude questionnaire,
so we can get a better idea
of what type of employment best suits ya.
Does everyone have a pen?
What about you mister, uh?
Percy B. Spencer.
And, I don't need no pen,
on account I can't read or write nothing.
[classroom laughing]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, laugh
all you f*cking want!
While you stupid morons been
working all these years,
I've been drinking and
sleeping with wh*res,
so who's smarter?
You can use this one, Percy B. Spencer,
and just fill-out as much as you can.
Okay, let's try this
from a different angle,
even if I could write, I
don't need no f*cking pen
because I ain't filling
out no f*cking form anyway!
Ah, Jesus you're making me piss my pants!
I'll see ya tomorrow!
It's an all-day class, Mr. Spencer.
Just go home, and change, then come back.
Oh, that's fine and dandy,
for all you rich folks with
your highfalutin wardrobes.
But, I only got the one pair of pants.
So, like I said, I'll see ya tomorrow!
Well, who's laughing now?
At least I didn't piss
my pants, ya fat drunk!
[disjointed music]
[man screaming]
Ugh, well that's f*cking fantastic!
[motivational music]
[heavy breathing]
[melancholic music]
[heavy breathing]
[wheelchair buzzing]
[playful music]
Man, this is f*cking sweet!
You funny walkers get all the breaks!
I can't walk at all
you insensitive cow!
[frantic music]
[screaming]
Get the hell of of me and walk!
Lord knows you could use exercise.
Yeah?
Well maybe this'll learn you some manners!
Please, help.
Thief! [yells]
Yeah, well maybe that'll teach ya
how to treat a f*cking lady!
[upbeat music]
[funky music]
Kevin had finally
finished painting his room.
And, he was pretty proud of
himself, for a job well done.
Then, he got scared and ran away,
vowing never to come back again.
[intense music]
Kevin made it all the way to the kitchen,
and he figured that was plenty far enough,
especially since it was real
close to the beer fridge.
[panting]
[monster yells]
[body thudding]
Even though, Al and the Magic Goose,
was Kevin's imaginary friend.
Kevin had forgotten he'd left
him hiding in the fridge,
and was so scared when he popped out,
that he had a stroke and died.
What the?
Dead?
Well, that's just perfect!
Now, what the f*ck am I gonna do?
[melancholic music]
What the hell happened to you, Percy?
The f*cking government done this to me!
Man, they got it in
for you some kind of bad.
Don't they?
I'll say!
Gimme a draft and a triple Ryan Coke,
and hurry up, I gotta get back to class!
Of all the f*cking things,
there are days and there are days.
[metal clanging]
[dramatic music]
Hey Jimmy, how's it hanging?
I aint here!
You never saw me!
Whatever you say, Mr. Hoffa.
[dramatic music]
[upbeat music]
Shove off, Grandpa!
I wanna sit here.
But, I'm the foreman, and
this is where the foreman sits.
Well tough sh*t, I wanna
be closer to the pisser,
so hit the bricks!
But I'm the--
Not anymore, pal!
I'm the new jury foreman,
and if you got a problem with that,
you can take it up with my foot,
which is gonna be up your
a*s in about three seconds!
If you don't wanna high-tail
it the f*ck out of here.
[playful music]
[ominous music]
Oh geez, what a f*cking hottie!
For God's sake!
He's on trial for m*rder!
I ain't said I wanted to marry him!
Just that, I wouldn't
mind smoking his pole,
if you know what I mean.
You're disgusting!
You think that's disgusting?
Try this on, for size!
[farting]
[crowd gasps]
All rise, for the honorable judge,
Wilhelmina Rock, presiding.
[dramatic music]
[crowd gasps]
[sighing]
Good morning, ladies and...
[wood crashing]
[laughing]
[ground rumbling]
[playful music]
Teach me a f*cking job!
You got 20 weeks, that
the world f*cking owes me!
[body thudding]
[soft music]
[birds chirping]
[dramatic music]
[crow caws]
[playful music]
So then, I told the
commissioner that as far as I knew,
there wasn't such a thing as a mafia.
And, he called me a liar,
so then I paid $10,000 to have him k*lled!
[laughing]
[eerie music]
[animals grunting]
[dramatic music]
Thanks, Willie.
How are you f*cking doing, anyways?
Not too shabby.
So, what happened to your host?
The little f*ck had a stroke!
[laughing]
Yeah, it was funny.
How 'bout you, who was you with?
Jeffrey Dahmer.
Ooh, that's a sweet gig.
Ain't he died a long time ago?
A few years back.
And, you still ain't being re-assigned?
What the f*ck's going on with that?
Well, they's all backed up, up there.
Most of them assholes don't
know sh*t from Shinola.
I hear that!
Bureaucratic c*ck-suckers can blow me!
[laughing]
And, on the night-in-question,
you were assaulted, is that correct?
That is correct!
And is the man who assaulted you
in this courtroom, today?
That's him, right over there!
[dramatic music]
Let the records show, that the witness
pointed his stump at the defendant.
I have no more questions, your honor.
Let's quit playing games sir,
and get down to brass tacks!
Why should the jury not believe
the testimony of my client,
and trust your version of events?
I'm telling the truth!
Your truth?
Sure!
But, is your truth the same
truth as the rest of our truths?
Or is your truth a different truth,
based on things which you
would have us believe are true,
but which may not be?
[keys clicking]
[sighs]
I, I don't understand the question.
Exactly!
And yet, you expect us to believe you,
even though you are clearly confused,
and have been convicted of
fraud and perjury in the past!
I've never been convicted
of fraud or perjury!
I have no more
questions for this witness!
Jeez!
He really stuck it to stumpy, huh?
What he said didn't make any sense!
Weren't you even paying attention?
No, not really.
[ominous music]
[evil laughing]
[dramatic music]
What?
Hey, I got needs!
Ah, f*ck all of yous!
[birds chirping]
Okay class.
Today, we are going to work
on our practical skills.
Specifically, how to conduct yourself
during a job interview.
I will be playing the role
of a prospective employer,
and each of you will have a turn,
at a simulated job interview.
Percy B. Spencer, why don't you go first?
First off, while I do
appreciate the effort,
when I suggested you come
dressed for a job interview,
I didn't mean to such an extreme.
There is such a thing as being too well,
or should I say inappropriately
dressed for a job interview.
It's the only suit I had time to steal.
I mean, my other suits
are at the cleaners.
Just a food-for-thought.
Okay!
Why don't we begin?
Lets say, I am a prospective employer,
and you have just arrived at my office,
and are seeking employment.
Go ahead.
Hey, what's up?
You f*cking hiring?
[laughing]
Okay, let's pause here.
Class, can anyone tell me
what was wrong with
Mr. Spencer's approach?
He said the F word.
That's right!
In the politically-sensitive
work environment
of the modern world, it is important
that proper language be used at all times.
Anything else?
He's drunk.
So what, I'm always drunk.
Percy, put yourself in
the position of the employer.
Would you hire someone
who showed up drunk,
wearing a tuxedo and using foul language?
Yes.
Percy!
Look lady, I'm only here because
the f*cking government is making me!
You and me both know I
ain't cut out for work,
and since jobs are for assholes,
and Percy B. Spencer
ain't no f*cking as*h*le,
I just want my 20, so that
I can get back on pogey.
And, it's your job to re-train
me, so that I can work.
I don't care what f*cking
job, I don't care where it is,
and I sure as Christ
don't give a rat's a*s
if I'm any good at it.
Just do your f*cking job, and
find me a f*cking job, f*ck!
Ah, son of a b*tch!
You made me do it again!
Fine, just go home and change.
No!
I ain't going nowhere,
if you don't like the smell of my piss,
then get me a job and I'll leave.
[pants squishing]
[flies buzzing]
[eerie music]
[screaming]
[body thudding]
You take that back!
Or, I'll slice you from t*ts to testicles!
You aint got the stones,
you dumb, drunk bird!
[groaning]
Alan!
What the hell are you doing here?
Oh, hey!
Octo-baby!
This ain't what it looks like!
Me and Wille were just
f*cking around like old times.
That don't mean nothing!
I asked you a question!
Well, my host died,
so's I come back like I was supposed to.
Kevin's dead?
Yeah, he had a f*cking
stroke this morning.
Jeez, he went early.
Well who knew?
Have you been to
re-assignment desk, yet?
Well, I kinda started
screwing around with Willie here,
and I was just about to head on up there.
[crunching]
[burping]
[playful music]
[dramatic music]
I'd like to change my
plea to guilty, guilty!
I did it!
Please take me to jail!
Oh that's just beautiful,
ya f*cking coward!
I hope my Percy sticks you
with a shiv in the joint.
[gavel bangs]
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
given this sudden and
strange turn of events
so near the end of the episode,
I think it would be best if
you all just excused yourselves
in an orderly manner, and
got on with your lives.
Bailiff, transport them
back to their homes.
[eerie pulsing]
[laughs] Screw it!
[playful music]
Hey fattie, I didn't see ya walk in.
Why are you dressed like an as*h*le?
f*ck job!
Apparently, the only
thing I'm qualified for
is being a movie usher.
[laughs] Jesus H., when do ya start?
Yep, about three hours ago.
Oh hey, did you see the boy's dead?
Yeah, I took his lighter.
What if the cops try and pin it on us?
f*ck, I ain't never thought of that!
What should we do?
We could ask that magic wizard,
who's always hanging around out back.
Maybe he can help.
Can't hurt none, I guess.
[playful music]
Hey!
There he is!
Hey Wizard!
Can you bring someone back from the dead?
Sure!
Great!
Thanks, Wizard!
Now get out of my house, and
stay the f*ck out of my yard!
Alive again!
Well, how about that?
[eerie pulsing]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a chain-smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath ♪
I ain't here.
You never saw me.
[bubbles popping]
[bell dinging]
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