04x03 - The Talented Mr. Spencer

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat whistling music]

[cars crashing and honking]

[R&B music]

All right fellas,

get those dogs a-barkin' for Crystal!

[men hooting and hollering]

[swinging pop music]

Yee-haw!

See her at the novelty bed at the back

to get your picture taken with Crystal!

[piano music]

Next.

[bones cracking]

Narrator: Percy Spencer was one of

the growing legions of men

who cherished autographs from
porn stars and strippers.

Wow, Ms. Chambers, you
sure have a deep throat.

Thanks, kid. You got any blow?

[jazzy music]

Hey, autograph mine, will ya?

Here you go.

She wrote she loved my package.

Now everyone will think
I banged a stripper.

[laughing]

Who'd believe that?

Why would you want such
an uncultured buffoon?

A classy girl like you needs -

How do you want it?

[bones crunching]

[Crystal moaning]

Man On Floor: Hey, I needed that.

Ladies and gentlemen, the
feature act of the evening:

Tina Tattoo from Denmark!

Let's hear it for Tina!

[men cheering]

[sexy music]

Going to pass out in the car, boy.

Well, our car, I'll be
one of them anyways.

You're the designated driver.

Tag, no takebacks arsehole.

[sexy music]

Hi, Spencer!

I got this as my co-op job for school.

You should try it,
awesome way to cut class.

Hey, kid, pay attention.

You don't want to end up unemployed

on a street corner turning
tricks for nickels.

Yes, sir.

[funky music]

First thing you gotta
know is the BPM mix.

Then you crossfade between
the two platters like this.

Narrator: Jimmy explained that

being a co-op student with the DJ

taught him valuable on-the-job lessons.

Kevin was really impressed.

He decided that next time the
school caught him drinking,

he'd claim he needed real-world experience

in a job placement.

I don't suppose a fine,
strapping lad like your self

would be convinced into a table dance?

But remember, I don't put out
for anything under 200 bucks.

Oh, sh*t!

Okay, $150.

[ska music]

Hey, Percy, you gotta
sign something for-

Ah, my freakin' eye!

What the hell's that?

It's a permission slip for Kevin

to go on a school job placement.

Jesus, why don't you watch out?

You nearly blinded me, you b*stard.

Holy sh*t! Don't worry, boy.

Daddy won't let them force you to work.

Hey, get me a beer, will you?

He wants to go!

He says it'll get him out of school.

Frick! Ouch!

I hear that.

Do you think you'll get
a job at the peeler's

like that Timmy kid did?

Save daddy some cover charges.

Hey, don't go gettin' no ideas

about my beer either, prick.

Everything's a big joke to you.

What if you'd blinded me?

Wouldn't that make you
feel sorry or somethin'?

I felt sorry the first time

I smelled your g*dd*mn morning breath.

I had dreams before I met you, you know.

I was gonna be the best
pit fighter in the joint.

But no, you had to live
in a two-story house

like some f*cking millionaire.

Besides, what are you pissin'
and moanin' at me anyways?

I wasn't aiming for your eye.

[heavy falling]

Narrator: Kevin was excited
about having a job placement.

It would be a change of scenery.

And meeting new people always
meant that there was a chance

that they wouldn't know
what a loser he was

for at least a few hours.

What do you think you're
doing getting on the bus

covered in all that sh*t?

Narrator: Kevin's teacher was excited

about the job placement

because she wouldn't have to
face these little b*stards

for at least a whole week.

So, students, it's
time to tell the class

about your job placements.

I'm working with a bunch of ex-cons

at the beef slaughterhouse.

[imitates g*ns sh**ting and cows mooing]

It's amazing!

You should see it!

As you can see, Kevin,

these youngsters have benefited

from real-world experience,

and your job placement
is a very special one.

You'll be working with a
world-famous conceptual artist.

Narrator: Kevin
decided to be optimistic,

and he went to his co-op that afternoon.

He even ended up being
three hours less late

than he would normally have been

just to start out on the right foot.

[doorbell ringing]

Artist: Alright,
alright, enough already!

Are you the Corps' student
who was supposed to be here

seven months ago?

Fabulous.

Unsullied youth like morning dew in March.

I know, you're probably paralyzed

by your feelings of worship for me.

Narrator: Kevin told
the old boozed-up fart

that he'd come for the job placement,

and he asked if he
always acted this fruity,

or just when he answered the door

to scare away sales people.

Rage!

Rage, boy, as nature deems!

[phone ringing]

Oh, that's my telephone.

Well?

Answer it, boy.

Answer it!

Chop, chop!

[funky music]

[phone ringing]

Man on Phone: Hello?

Hello?

Tron, are you there?

Who is this?

Somebody say something!

Hello?

God damn it, you have to face
me sometime, you b*stard.

I don't just go down on every queen

with an Alfa Romeo, you know!

I like your minimalist
telephone manner.

Now, before you try and sue
me for doing anything to you,

you should know,

the whole house has
security cameras everywhere.

Narrator: Kevin asked Mr. Debonair

what an artist does all day.

This, my boy, is the
latest abstract piece.

It's a video tape covered in jam

and then rolled in hamster droppings.

I'm lobbying to have it replace

that stinky old w*r memorial.

You wouldn't believe what
the administrative culture

gave me for that thing.

Narrator: Kevin told
the raving old queen

that he didn't understand a
g*dd*mn word he was saying

and to stop hogging all the liquor.

[dramatic theme music]

What is the nature of your complaint?

Your Honor, this man
told me he loved me,

then he tried to poison me
with antifreeze in my food.

Then he took all my money,
credit cards, jewelry,

and tried to skip town.

And you say you are
presently still with this man?

He's going through a rough period.

I brought a witness, Your Honor.

Look at the dress on that woman.

I bet she's guilty.

Ah, look at the outfit!

See what else is on.

What?

Lost the remote?

No problem.

You'll love this.

[clapping]

[whistling]

[creepy robotic music]

You wouldn't believe the
places that thing's turned up.

Narrator: Kevin
didn't have many friends

with big screen TVs
and it was pretty neat.

Big screen TVs had problems

you didn't typically see in normal TVs.

Like families of vermin
moving into the set.

So whenever they tried to watch porno,

John Holmes wasn't the only one

trying to squirrel his
nuts away from the winter.

What the f*ck?

Come on!

You g*dd*mn chipmunks!

Alvin!

Oh, wait, Alvin was last
year's club student.

Kevin!

Why don't you earn your keep

and do something about
those little monsters?

I'm upset.

I'll be in the boudoir.

See if you can find me some Batman sheets,

for Christ's sake.

In queen sizes this time,
thank you very much.

[funky music]

Narrator: After a few days,

Kevin figured the life of an
artist must be pretty good,

if all you do all day is get drunk

and tell teens to do your sh*t work.

On his third day of moving patio stones,

he asked the artist

when he was going to
do something artistic.

Don't you understand?

You are the art, idiot.

In lifting those patio stones

you're becoming a part
of the bigger canvas.

Now, get the piano into the attic.

There's a good lad.

I need room for the orgy -

Uh, party tonight.

[funky music]

[upbeat music]

Hey, Spencer, you got an
overdue porno I loaned you?

Which one?

Do the words Good Time
Prison b*tch ring a bell?

Hey, that used to be my nickname.

Stuck in that shitty
DVD player you sold me.

That was a CD player

and the movie was VHS, you booze-hound.

Now what the hell you want?

I gotta get something
nice for the old lady.

I just feel kinda bad 'cause
I nailed her with a toenail.

Ooo, better not use a pillow.

Next time, she might k*ll you.

Want some tissue for that nose?

f*ck off and tell me
something nice I could buy her

to get her off my a*s.

She like jewelry?

Some of this sh*t looks pretty realistic.

Just tell me what she likes.

I ain't psychic.

I dunno.

Anything to do with sex, I suppose.

Really, huh?

Hey, Spencer, how'd you
like to make 50 bucks?

Could I take it in liquor?

Hey, that's Charlie's
hydroponics equipment.

I stole that sh*t once.

Let's just say he's
trying to cover his assets.

Why's it smell so weird?

See if you can wrap your
head around this, Spencer.

I was on the internet last year

and I realized I could
buy Nobel Prize sperm

and supermodel's eggs.

So I'm using Charlie's equipment
to incubate a super-baby.

Super-baby?

Holy f*ck, Jimmy.

You sure ain't been the same since rehab.

Should've stayed on the
wagon like I told you.

Hey, I still need a
present for the old lady.

I need human hosts, Percy.

I wanna know if you'll
let me stick some of them

in your wife's ovaries.

I've been looking for volunteers.

What better gift than a super-baby?

Sorry, Jimmy.

Two kids and 47 ab*rtion

have already done a
number on the old lady.

I ain't sitting through
another nine months of my life

taking sh*t from some
fat pig and her hormones.

Narrator: It was the
night of Tron's big party,

and Kevin said he was about due

for a bit of partying himself.

You're a bit young
for this party, Kevin.

He seems quite old enough for me.

No he's not!

For god's sakes, Gunther,
this isn't Thailand!

Come back tomorrow, boy.

It's your last day, so we'll
do something special then.

Do you like sandwiches?

Narrator: Kevin returned
home and told his mom

about the big, g*y, sex orgy
the rich guy was having.

sh*t, I wish I was a rich g*y boy.

I'd drink all day

and bang a different
soccer team every night.

Oh, yeah, man, that'd be sweet.

Hey, baby, look at this.

Classics of Porn.

Like that's supposed to make up

for you being an as*h*le
that nearly blinded me.

I went over there to
get you somethin' nice,

then Jimmy showed me his
baby-makin' sperm machine,

and I got all distracted.

Narrator: Percy told Anastasia
all about Jimmy's scheme.

Jesus Christ, Percy,
we need that sperm.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

If we have a super-genius kid

he'll be able to get rich and employed.

Then we can live like millionaires!

Instead of rottin' with
this unemployed ret*rd.

Hey, I never thought of that.

It's like a sure bet the
kid'll be a brainiac.

I'll go tell Jimmy the deal's on.

You can't tell him.

He'll want to raise the kid himself.

You'll have to steal some.

You came all the way back here

to tell me you wanted to use the bathroom?

You were gone a half an hour.

Yeah, it's a bad one, too, Jimmy.

I can feel the blood leaving my head,

you know what I mean?

[farting]

[sniffing]

[farting]

It's past the point of no return, Jimmy!

Well, hurry up, I'm closing up

just as soon as I finish
testing out these Walkmans.

[mischievous, plodding music]

Thanks for the shitter Jimmy, gotta go.

Hey, what's that on your hand?

Is that my sperm?

Why this... this is spermicide!

You b*stard!

[thrilling piano music]

How'd it go, lover boy?

I got the stuff.

I thought he wouldn't notice

if I tried replacing it with my own,

but he caught me anyways.

Barely got out the door with my a*s.

You're so brave.

What a man of action.

I'm burning up here!

I got the hose that'll
put out that fire, baby.

Oh, Percy, give me
that rich b*stard's sperm!

Maybe I don't want to?

Maybe, maybe I wanna keep it.

Anastasia: Oh, yes.

[moaning]

Oh, yes.

Damn you, give it to me!

Give me that sperm, you b*stard!

We's gonna have us our
own little millionaire!

[both screaming]

Percy: What the?

Now you done it, you stupid b*tch.

I told you not to swallow!

Anastasia: Wasn't that you?

Well I can't see under here.

Well that's just f*cking beautiful.

Narrator: When Kevin
returned to the estate,

the place was messier
than he'd ever seen it,

which was still better than his own house.

Kevin also noticed something
different about the artist.

He seemed a lot deader than usual.

[dramatic piano music]

[phone ringing]

Hi, this is organized crime
with your monthly delivery.

Listen, we're going to be in around 3 PM

to drop 47 tons of Peruvian hashish.

Is someone going to be
there to sign for all this?

Narrator: Kevin said
there'd been a mistake

and they were actually
supposed to drop off 100 tons.

Then Kevin proceeded to
take over the threads

of the departed man's life,
which was pretty easy,

considering the old
b*stard was so reclusive,

no one would really notice him missing

for a few years anyways.

TV Narrator: You are watching

the Arts and Culture channel,
intelligent television

for people who can afford it.

Tonight on the Art and Culture channel,

Tron Deveneer, the artistic rebel

who snagged the largest price
ever paid for an old shoe,

the medium-is-the-message messiah,

is staging a comeback
at the Culture Center.

Seen here receiving the


from the cryogenically frozen
corpse of Howard Hughes,

it is rumored by insiders
that the man himself, Tron,

may make an appearance.

Narrator: It was the day
of the big art exhibition

and Kevin had arranged for all the media

and clients of Mr. Deveneer to attend.

[stuffy harpischord music]

Well, of course.

Warhol's problem was that
he was a better businessman

than he was an artist.

Cheap b*stard, too.

You know, I was in one of his films.

Really?

Which one?

Don't recall.

Something with Dennis
Hopper and a lot of lint.

Guess I don't have to
tell you who upstaged who.

[both laughing]

Narrator: Kevin was excited
because the moment arrived

when Tron was to deliver his next creation

to the art world.

[shocked gasping]

[flashbulbs clicking]

[shocked gasping]

[flashbulbs clicking]

Narrator: Kevin had erected the corpse

of the dead artist himself as an exhibit.

While Kevin was being
beaten and locked away,

for criminal neglect and fraud,

the effect this exhibition would have

on the post-post-modernist scene

was debated heatedly for weeks.

[ominous music]

Narrator: Something
weird ended up happening

at Jimmy's pawn shop.

The closest Percy Spencer would ever come

to having sex with a real supermodel

was the magazine he had shoplifted

from the convenience store.

So when his semenal discharge

was mixed with the supermodel's eggs

it wasn't natural.

In fact, nature hadn't really factored in

a combination for that particular genome,

so it began to mutate.

[ominous music swelling]

[glass shattering]

What the hell?

Don't recall seeing
this strip club before.

[monastic choral singing]

[eerie, mystical music]

Damn, that's fine.

Thank you, and remember:

don't touch the merchandise.

Wow.

That chick's incredible.

I mean, she ain't even human.

Man, she's hypnotizing.

[screaming]

Hey, I ain't paying extra for this.

[screaming]

[upbeat pop music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

Percy: Something's wrong with that kid.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

Anastasia: I don't like him, never did.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

Man: You better not cross his path.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

Second Man: He's a chain
smoking, alcoholic, sociopath!

Percy: I'm so brilliant!