03x16 - Pat-riot-ism

[bunniefuu]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[laughing]

[playful upbeat music]

Boy, these new clothes
sure make you look g*y,

but the price is right.

We certify that all our children's wear

is guaranteed cool, or the
store will pay for the therapy.

[playful music]

Announcer: Please notify security,

we have a suicidal man in sporting goods.

A suicidal man in--

[bang]

Clean up in aisle seven,
clean up aisle seven.

[alarm blaring]

What the hell, cash?

Wow, so that's what it looks like.

Hey, does that security
guard, Brent, still work here?

What a stack.

I used to shoplift from
here just for the frisking.

There was an ugly incident.

But management didn't want any bad press,

so they gave him a promotion.

[laughs] Maybe mommy wants
to sit on Santa's knee too.

Excuse me, it's June.

[dramatic music]

Can't afford it, boy.

Now I gotta go find your father.

You can come with me or
wait in the toy department.

[upbeat music]

Hey ma, the marshal's upstairs

dressed like Santa, and
it's the middle of June.

He just gave me that new
Barking Dogs' Christmas Album.

I wonder how they make
them yelp like it's music.

[barking]

sh*t, this is just an Alanis CD.

You know, the first one she
don't talk about no more?

[dramatic music]

[monkeys howling]

We have to make room for the new stock.

Throw out those frigging diaries.

Nobody ever buys them.

Yes sir, it'll be a pleasure.

It's a pleasure to do
anything here at Value-Dump.

When a customer's needs are--

And you can knock off that sh*t too.

[upbeat music]

[dramatic music]

[monkeys howling]

Gotcha, you little b*stard.

I'm actually a floor walker.

Hey, I remember you last month.

Busted you when you
shoplifted that smarty.

Up to your old tricks, eh?

Narrator: Kevin said,
all he did was steal

from the garbage, and what
the f*ck's the big deal

about that anyways?

Saucy talking too, huh?

The boss is gonna love this.

What the hell?

I left him in the toy department

and he promised not to get lost.

Let's ditch him.

He's got my lighter, we gotta find him.

Awe, can't I go play
in the liquor store?

[chiming bells]

All right baby, but don't
you go getting lost too.

Just in my own alcoholism, baby, wee!

Announcer: Mrs. Spencer,
please come to customer service,

we have your son, Kevin.

[whistling]

Madam, your son was caught stealing

from Value-Dump Incorporated.

Says all he did was take
some sh*t out of your trash.

Madam, that garbage

is the exclusive property of Value-Dump.

How can you own the garbage?

Because if we'd known
somebody still wanted it,

we wouldn't have thrown it in the garbage.

Okay, now you're just f*cked.

Come on, boy.

We haven't resolved this, madam.

We could prosecute, we could sue.

You can also kiss my a*s.

There's two beers left in our
fridge, they're all yours.

You can have the f*cking
fridge too, for that matter.

[footsteps]

You're not going anywhere, lady.

Ow, ooh, ow, ooh, ow.

[dramatic music]

Ahh!

[upbeat music]

Holy f*ck, a bottle of
wine that costs 30 bucks?

I heard about stuff like that,

but I ain't never seen one before.

[playful music]

sh*t, if I drank
that, it'd work out to...

f*ck, I can't do math.

Welcome to Boozeland, may I help you?

Yeah, I'll take that
Texas Mickey of Alcool.

Woman: Percy, I'm in trouble!

Have the car ready and we'll
meet you in front of the store.

I can't steal a car on
short notice like this.

Narrator: Percy's license
was still under suspension,

and it would take him a
lot more than a few minutes

to hot wire a car from the lot.

So the best he could do for a getaway

was a stolen shopping cart.

Sometimes when he was
shopping, Kevin noticed

that other people kept
journals of their feelings.

When he saw the diaries at the store,

he decided he'd try it,
thinking that if he kept at it

long enough, he might eventually develop

some feelings himself.

Though it was mostly self-indulgent sh*t,

to his teenage sensibilities,

it was a compelling
representation of his inner drive,

and he felt the world deserved to know.

[upbeat music]

Yes, spend this weekend with us

for full coverage of the fourth of July.

From Washington to Philadelphia,

the Liberty Bell to Love
Canal, God bless America.

Hey ma, must be Canada Day soon.

I always remember 'cause of the commercial

for the fourth of July.

What do you wanna do this year?

Same as always, get pissed
and go see them sh**t off

the Roman candles at the community center.

If you was allowed to
drive, we could actually go

to Ottawa for the big celebration.

I hear they got Anne Murray
and Alanis this year.

It's always my fault.

What do you need them skanks for anyway?

We got the Jug Bande
from the old folks home.

Narrator: Percy liked Canada Day a lot,

because he was a real patriot.

Hey, what are you rotten punks doing

skateboarding on a w*r memorial?

Don't you know people
died so you could be free?

Bunch of frigging punks.

[vomiting]

Narrator: In fact,
sometimes Percy even regretted

being kicked out of the army.

Usually whenever he
heard about some scandal

involving hazing with human feces

or soldiers trying to
poison a commanding officer.

Holy Christ, I can do that.

Jeez, this new army's awesome. [laughs]

And for bravery and smearing
human feces on the enemy,

we are proud to present Private Spencer

this medal for courageous
use of human waste.

And to think I've been
wasting it all these years.

Narrator: Kevin learned
that diaries have many uses

besides embarrassing
you when you're older.

Sometimes it helps to see
just how pathetic you are

from a different perspective.

For example, he made a
list of all the things

he tried to make friends.

Then he started to write about
how much he hated everyone

because they didn't appreciate him,

and because they were
all b*stards too anyway.

He wrote very personal things
about everyone he knew.

And somehow, he was
conspicuous of not really

feeling any different by doing it.

Then one day, Kevin
came home to find Percy

and Anastasia reading his diary.

They'd been reading it for hours,

despite only being halfway down page one.

[laughing]

Jesus.

Kevin, the sh*t you say about people

in this here diary is hilarious.

You should be like a writer or something.

You called your teacher stupid.

Said that you should be teacher instead.

That was a good one.

sh*t, you're a mess, boy.

What else did he write, ma?

It says, it says, but by far,

the stupidiest of everyone

is my fat-a*s welfare parents.

[dramatic music]

Your what?

Narrator: When Kevin's
parents got to the part

where he wrote about them,

suddenly it wasn't so funny anymore.

You call us drunken fat
stupid morons, you little prick.

I lost three pounds in the last month

with my new diet shakes.

Frigging ought to give
that kid's head a shake

writing sh*t like that.

What if the neighbors get ahold of this?

They might lose respect for us.

Like that time I passed
out and set fire to the bed

and had to push the mattress
out the second floor window.

Don't worry boy, I'll
give your diary back.

Just as soon as I finish
photocopying it at the library

and circulating a few pages around town.

That'll fix your wagon,
talking about us like that.

Maybe you'll learn a valuable lesson.

And I'll pick some sh*t
up at the store, too.

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

Sorry Spencer, I'm
not fronting stolen goods

for you no more.

Not since you think I'm
a derivative whiner.

Maybe you can find
another derivative whiner

to buy your stolen CD Walkman.

Now if you'll excuse
me, I'll be over there,

whining derivatively.

[guitar music]

I read your diary.

You like a girl and now everyone knows it.

[laughing]

[dramatic music]

Let's swarm the sh*t out
of this lame-oid. [laughs]

[dramatic music]

[punching]

[sad music]

Narrator: It seemed
everyone in the community

had read Kevin's diary.

So you think I'm a drunken bum, huh?

Got any change?

Even Alan wasn't
letting him off the hook.

So, you think I'm a pontificating fowl?

Well, maybe a little
time out will help you

see the error of your ways.

[dramatic music]

Narrator: Suddenly, Kevin
didn't feel like his writing

was that important after all.

He tried to explain that
as a violent sociopath,

he didn't really have any feelings,

and that what he'd written
was simply cheap mimicry

of other people.

But that didn't seem to matter to anyone.

[dramatic music]

Time for you to plunge
the artistic depths, p*ssy.

[whistling]

[upbeat music]

You're listening to KLAP69 talk radio,

where we just don't know
when to shut the hell up.

Today we're broadcasting
live from the drive through

at Muff Burgers, to pull
another one of our [laughs]

legendary stunts on an
unsuspecting customer.

Here comes one now.

Sir, sir, you don't have a car.

f*ck suspended my driver's license.

Well why don't you just
come into the restaurant?

Well why don't you just
live my life for me, prick?

I'm only used to using the drive through,

so just give me two
cheeseburgers, fries, and a Coke.

We got a live one here, folks.

Listen as we dupe this schlub

with our hilarious AM radio prank.

Sir, could you repeat your order?

Two burgers, fries, and a Coke.

Sir, could you repeat
your order? [giggles]

Two burgers, fries, and a Coke.

Sir, could you repeat your order?

Two burgers, fries, and a Coke.

Sir, could you repeat your order?

Sir, could you repeat your order?

Sir, could you repeat your order?

What's your f*cking problem,
making me say this sh*t

over and over?

I'm coming up to the window,

and if you don't got my
burger, it's showtime.

Stay in the car, I'll sort this prick out.

We don't got a car, idiot!

Shut up, it's a reflex.

So you got my burger?

[laughing]

Sir, you've been a good sport.

So I should tell you,
you've been the victim

of Howe and Hank's hilarious hijinks

on the KLAP69 AM radio brunch.

So the answer's no.

[dramatic music]

[punching]

[yelling]

[chewing]

Jesus, my feet is k*lling me.

Ah Christ, there's
something in my burger.

Frigging-- oh, it's a prize.

That's okay then.

Hey, I won the lucky burger.

Read it, will you?

It says you won a dream
getaway on a houseboat.

Holy sh*t, this is sweet.

I'm not allowed to drive, but
my probation don't say sh*t

about taking a boat.

We can go down the Reto Canal to Ottawa

for the Canada Day show.

That's the biggest
m*therf*cking party since,

I don't know what's the biggest party

in Canadian history, anyway.

Yeah, like I'd know.

I remember something in
school about a big blast

in Halifax once.

Hey, let's go cash in that prize.

Narrator: As Percy and
Anastasia went to cash

their prize, they decided
they wouldn't tell the kid,

and simply abandon him so
they wouldn't have to put up

with his sh*t while they
had a nice little vacation.

It was the way Kevin's luck had been going

ever since the contents of
his diary had been revealed.

[dramatic music]

So, you think our g*ng is
simply a thinly veiled excuse

for h*m*, eh?

[dramatic music]

[footsteps]

So, you think our Christian
dogma isn't flexible enough

to cater to the modern requirements

of the spiritually needy, eh?

[dramatic music]

[mumbling]

k*ll him!

Cast him out, cast him
out, afflict him, afflict him!

[dramatic music]

We were trying to sneak
away without telling you.

He said they tried to k*ll him

'cause he called the village people g*y.

The village people are g*y.

Not the band, those people on shore.

Oh, them.

Guess they read your
little diary. [laughs]

They're just arseholes, boy.

You were right in
your little book, boy.

They're a bunch of jerk offs.

[upbeat music]

Hey Percy, this boat
cruise is a great idea.

How long will it take us to get to Ottawa?

Let me check with the navigator.

He fell overboard trying
to take a crap in the river.

Well, what about this map?

Looks like we're using the same route

the explorers used to
find Circus of Smokes.

Percy: Good, we'll need smokes.

[chiming bells]

[airplane engine roaring]

[cheering]

We're back with our live coverage

of Canada Day celebrations.

Let's go live to Parliament Hill

and see what's happening.

[crickets chirping]

As usual, f*ck all.

The canal seems to be full
of patriotic boaters, d*ck?

That's right, Buck.

Yes, every year a proud
floatille of boaters

pack the canal to celebrate
our nation's birthday.

These floating flag wavers
define the laid back

summertime spirit that is Canada Day.

[splashes]

Oh no, my little Kevin's
drowning himself in the water!

Pollution will get him first.

Go save your son
you lazy piece of sh*t.

Holy frig, my smokes.

[whistles]

Okay folks, there's too many boats.

We're opening the locks.

[dramatic music]

Oh my God, it looks like pirates.

Worse, it's a bunch of
drunken engineering students

dressed like pirates.

And they're heading this
way with a boarding party.

Alas there, landlubber dudes.

Got any brewskies?

We had to ditch our keg
when the cops chased us.

Holy frig, they're after the
beer, we gotta do something.

Where's Percy?

[dramatic music]

[groaning]

Where the f*ck am I?

Holy sh*t, nice hotel.

Maybe I can sniff out an open bar.

Where do you think you're
going, you fat drunken idiot?

[sad horn music]

Excuse me, my apologies, sir.

Go ahead in.

Don't talk to Mr. Watsman
like that, you idiot.

[classical music]

Everyoen knows the American
Embassy throws the best party

for Canada Day.

Why do you think they built the place

with such a good view
of the fireworks, huh?

I'd be there now, if I was still rich.

Hey, it's Anne Murray
going to the bathroom.

I gotta go get her autograph.

[creaking]

[rock music]

As the sun set, the air
filled with anticipation.

The crowd knew the fireworks show

wouldn't be long in coming.

[engine roaring]

[rock music]

[splashes]

[bang]

[engine roaring]

[upbeat music]

Narrator: Kevin was hypnotized

by the elaborate pyrotechnical array,

mixed with shooters he'd
been having all day.

He decided he'd stand
near the biggest rocket,

and when it tried to take off,

he'd grab onto it and go for a ride.

[upbeat music]

You know, I always just
sort of thought of you

as this old broad.

Then you made this one
video where you were taking

your clothes off in slow motion.

That was pretty hot.

Heard you had a guy stalking you once.

Kind of a coincidence, 'cause I got busted

for stalking once.

[gasps]

Hey, I think they're
about to do the fireworks.

Not like the fireworks I get in my pants

when I look into your glistening t*ts.

We're cleared for blast off.

[beeping]

[dramatic music]

[whistling]

[dramatic music]

[bang]

[screaming]

[whistling]

[bangs]

[dramatic music]

[whistling and bangs]

Don't worry baby, my heart will go on.

[screaming]

[whistling]

Ladies and gentlemen,

Canada's singing legend, Rita McNeal.

[cheering]

Woo.

[thumps]

It's okay, I'm fine.

[funk music]

[dramatic music]

[gulping]

[upbeat music]

[soft piano music]

[beeping]

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wring with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Announcer: Please notify security,

we have a suicidal man in sporting goods.

A suicidal man in [bangs]

clean up in aisle seven,
clean up aisle seven.

[rock music]