03x15 - Dooley and Chubbs

[bunniefuu]

[high energy guitar]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[rock guitar riff]

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[sustained guitar note]

I said your nose idiot

well your O for two,

what do you say we make it a hat trick.

Recite the alphabet from beginning to end.

Your persecuting me
cause you know I can't read.

It ain't not crime to be stupid.

How would I know you can't read?

Well you figure I learned
between now and my last D.U.I?

It's only been four f*ck' days.

Turn around and put
your hands on the car

you're under arrest for
driving under the influence.

What about my family?

[snoring]

If you cared for your family

you wouldn't have been driving drunk.

I never said I cared about them.

I just mean they's as loaded as me so

why aint you arresting them?

Because they weren't driving.

Oh and I suppose
that make a difference?

Just shut up and spread em'.

f*ck that, I aint
goin back to the joint.

[descending harp]

Oh my god!

[somber dramatic music]

Jesus Christ what's all
the f*ck' noise about Percy?

Ma'am, I don't know
how to tell you this

but I'm afraid you husband
just took his own life.

Oh God no!

Who's gonna drive us home now?

Ah sweet Jesus he had
the only set of keys.

Relax ma'am, I'll make
sure another car comes along

and takes you home.

Hey kid, I'm standing right here.

Use your head.

Yeah good luck with that Officer.

Wake me up when my ride gets here.

I'm sorry son, this
must be hard on you.

[groove music]

Narrator: Kevin told
the cop it was nothing



I don't smoke.

Narrator: Then Kevin
called the cop an arsehole

and went back to the car to finish

sleeping off his hangover.

[somber music]

[bright oboe]

[car honks]

Shut up.

Oh right.

[lighter flicks]

Ah f*ck!

[harp descends]

I don't think this f*ck'
day could get any worse.

I mean what could possibly happen

that would make this any worse?

Narrator: Since nothing
happened, Percy figured

he might just as well get down and go

find a way to get his smoke lit.

Quit tryin' to molest me you pervert.

[foot impacts face]

Oof!

[descending whistle]
[Percy screaming]

[water splashes]

[mystical flute]

Narrator: Percy was happy because he

figured now he could smoke.

It didn't occur to Percy that tryin'g

to light a smoke underwater,

probably wasn't going to work so well.

Mostly because he wasn't halfway bright.

Ah f*ck.

[mystical Flute]

Narrator: Then it occurred to Percy

that he was underwater
and he couldn't swim

and was probably going to die.

[water burble]

[dramatic music]

[banjo music]

[boat engine running]

Slow up on the boat Chubbs,

I gots me a big one.

Looks big.

Told you it was big.

What kind of fish you figure it is?

Don't know.

I don't know either.

Yeah, I don't know.

[fishing line clicks]

[banjo strums]

[Percy thuds on ground]

You guys got any smoke?

Uh oh, it's a talkin' sea monster.

What a f*ck' moron.

He aint a very nice
talkin sea monster Chubs.

Fine I'm a sea monster.

Oh I'm gonna get you stupid humans.

[silly shouting]

[exclaims in pain]

I think he was just pretending
to be a sea monster Chubbs.

I know but it was buggin' me.

Hit 'em again.

[man screams]

[playful instrumental music]

Narrator: Kevins' mom had
been up most of the night

mourning the loss of her husband

with a man she met when
she was buying smokes

and she was still sleeping off her sorrow

even though it was two
o'clock in the after noon.

Kevin was sick of
waiting for her to get up

and tell him how to make cereal again

so he figured he'd just take
some money out of her purse

and go buy breakfast at the titty bar.

Good morning Kevin.

I was wondering when
you were gonna get up.

Narrator: Kevin didn't much care

for the man grabbing his arm

but since he was a whole
lot bigger than Kevin was

he figured he was having a seizure

so the man would leave him alone.

[upbeat techno music]

Pretend all you want
son, it's not going to work.

Your mother told me all
about your fake seizures.

Let me know when you're
done, I've got all day.

Narrator: Kevin was as close to fury

as a sociopath could be.

His mother had betrayed him.

Kevin figured he'd get her back real good

the next time he got her alone.

She's your mother, Kevin.

I don't think it would be a good idea

for you to get her back now or ever.

Narrator: Kevin was terrified,

because the man was reading his mind.

[dramatic bell chimes]

Hey Kevin, look at your old pal Allen.

I was just f*ck' with your head.

C'mon get the cash and lets
you and me go to the titty bar.

[fun bouncy music]

[woman snoring]

[Allen chuckles]

f*ck I'm funny some days.

[sustained banjo]

[slow dramatic music]

What the hells goin on?

You fell asleep after Chubbs hit ya

in the head with the boat ore.

I thought this hangover
was worse than usual.

Where the f*ck am I anyway?

No swearin' in the house.

I'm makin' stew.

You want some?

Cookin' aint no job for a man.

What job do you have?

I collect UI, longterm disability,

and welfare under seven different names.

Shouldn't you have a real job?

Look I want a job as
much as the next guy,

but what with affirmative action

g*y action, immigrant action

and me only having my grade seven,

aint no jobs left for guys like me.

Besides I'm Percy Spencer.

The world f*ck' owes me.

[Percy screams]

[intense banjo music]

[soft piano]

[Percy screams]

What's goin on?

Sit down and be quiet
the shows about to start.

[happy upbeat music]

Chub: This mornin'
my friend Dooley and I

got up for breakfast.

Let's have some stew for breakfast.

We always have stew!

I only know how to make stew.

I know how to make biscuits too

but Chub don't like biscuits
so I just make stew.

Any chance on you
guys just killin' me now?

So Duley and Chubs
had stew for breakfast,

and talked while they ate.

Jena Davis is 34ft tall.

That was a movie not actual size.

Why are we havin' stew again?

You only know how to make stew.

Then Dooley and Chubs went fishin.

[upbeat music]

Me and Dooley were in
the boat fishin for bass

but we caught a big sea
monster, not a bass.

Oh no it's a sea monster.

I'm gonna hit him with the boat ore.

[altercation impression]

It wasn't a sea monster, just a big

fat dirty man that smelled like alcohol.

So we took him home.

Does he do this everyday?

Yeah.

And you sit here and watch it?

It helps me remember the good times.

Dooley and Chubs
took the fat smelly man

back to their house so they could begin

to train him to be their servant.

Servant?

f*ck that Percy Spencer don't--

[exclaims in pain]

[slow groove]

You sure you're 19?

Nod ya f*ck' head Kevin.

Well that's good enough for me.

Gentlemen keep it goin for Crystal.

We're gonna be taking a
short break but don't worry

we've got plenty more
ladies desperate enough

to take their clothes off so they can

make ends met coming up later.

Right now here's some TV to watch

so you won't have to
think about how miserable

your life is because lets face it

if you were happy or
successful or involved

in anything meaningful and useful,

you wouldn't be in here drinkin'
on a Wednesday after noon.

Hey, I'm tryin' to run a
f*ck' business here idiot.

[glugs on drink]

Hey, aint that you broken head?

Narrator: Kevin told the
announcer to turn up the volume

so he could hear the TV.

Then he told him his sister was a wh*re

because that's the kind of
thing Kevin thought was funny.

[laughs]

So without further ado,
the winner of this years

Giller prize for fiction
and the recipient of a

$25,000 check is first
time author, Kevin Spencer.

Narrator: Kevin was
surprised because had forgotten

he had written a sweeping
historical drama about

the hardships of pioneer life
for early Canadian settlers.



That's more money than the Popes got.

You and me's got to hightail
it to Taranto before

someone f*ck off with the money.

Let's go steal a car broken head.

Sit down and finish the beer.

How many times I gotta tell you?

Narrator: While Kevin
was finishing his beer

he asked Allen if they should tell his mom

where they were going
because now that the old man

was dead, if they left his
mom would be all alone.

[groove music]

[Kevin chuckles]

Ah, f*ck ya got me.

Jesus Christ I thought you were serious.

Oh, oh, oh, my poor mommy all alone.

[laughs]

[calm violin]

Ow, oh my head.

Hey Percy, bring a Rye and a smoke.

Hey Percy.

Oh right, hey boy!

Bring mommy a drink and some smokes.

Boy, boy!

What the Christ?

You're gonna pay for that Kevin!

[intense music]

[camera flashes]

[people chattering]

What the f*ck do all you assholes want?

Ah, let me guess, Kevin
finally k*lled someone.

You mean you haven't heard?

Your son is the youngest winner of the

Giller prize for fiction.

What the hell are you talkin about?

Kevin just won this countries most

prestigious literary
honor for his first novel.

They give out prizes for reading books?

For writing books.

Kevin wrote a novel.

[laughs]

My Kevin?

He only know the alphabet up to L.

I hate to break it to ya
but somebody's been blowin

smoke up your a*s.

I'm holding a copy
of the book right here.

Gimme that f*ck' thing.

Well I guess you're right.
I just wish I cared.

Now listen, any of you guys seen

that little c*ck sucker?

Stole all my dough and my smokes.

He just won $25,000.

I hardly think he'd bother
stealing a few cigarettes.

$25,000!

Get out of my g*dd*mn
way ya f*ck' leeches.

[banjo music]

That's good stew.

Same recipe I used before.

It was good before too.

That's because I used the same recipe.

How many stew recipes do you have?

One.

Well it's a good one.

Excuse me gentlemen,
I'm sorry to interrupt

your fine meal of stew
but I would just like

to apologize for all the
foul language I was using.

I just hope you have it in
your hearts to forgive me.

So I'm just gonna go now.

You guys have a nice day and
thanks for the puppet show.

It was wonderful.

Chubs: Doors locked.

Why don't you sit down and have some stew?

Look you gotta let me go.

I got a wife and a kid and even though

I don't always show it.

Hey is that booze?

Made it myself.

[banjo music]

Well why didn't ya say so.

[booze sloshes]

Hey don't stiff me on the pour.

It's very strong alcohol
you don't wanna over do it.

Yeah, yeah, that's
generally my rule of thumb

when it comes to drinkin'.

Mind if I help myself to another one?

Watch this.

[banjo music]

Drink up fellas, lets
get this party rollin.

Hey, slow down, not so much.

Just a little bit's fine.

What is it ladies night or somethin'?

Jeez, I thought you guys was
men but I guess I was wrong.

Drinkin' a lot doesn't
make you more of a man.

No, but it makes you stop caring about

tryin'g to be more of a man than you are.

That's good enough for me.

So what, is you guys ret*rds or somethin'?

Oh no, now you done it good.

What?

[somber stings]

[man crying]

That fat drunk man
didn't mean nothing Dooley.

C'mon now Dooley.

Dooley, I made stew.

[somber music]

He didn't know Dooley.

Let me in Dooley.

I'll bring stew if you want.

Dooley: I don't want stew.

Are you sure?

Dooley: No.

What the f*ck his problem.

You're lucky I don't have a pot.

Dooley's sensitive cause he
never finished high school.

Big deal, I barely got started
high school and look at me.

Hey, Dooley stop bein a p*ssy
and let's get a load on.

[man crying]

You go finish your stew.

I have to go in and talk to him.

Suit yourself as*h*le.

[banjo music]

What the hell am I doin?

[bouncing piano]

[music drowns out speaker]

[sinister banjo]

[lock clicks]

[upbeat banjo music]

Hey chubbs.

Chubbs: Yes?

Your stew sucks d*ck.

[man crying]

Quit bawling you f*ck' ret*rd.

[boat engine revs]

[calm harp]

[sinister music]

Did the boy finally k*ll someone?

Why do people keep asking us that?

No, he's just won the
countries most prestigious

literary honor for fiction.

For doing what?

Literary honor, for fiction, books.

So he stole a couple of books.

Big f*ck' deal.

Only assholes read anyway.

You don't read at all, ever?

If it aint on TV its no good no how.

Besides I don't know how to f*ck' read

and so far I aint heard no one tell me

a good reason for learning.

Well that's fantastic.

You should be very proud of yourself.

So what the hell is you guys filmin,

the boy don't talk none.

It's a slow news day,

we have to put something on TV.

Hey, how's about you put
on this kid show I made called

Dooley and Chubbs.

You made a kids show?

Oh f*ck yeah.

Look, i'll give you all


Oh what the hell, I'm a gambling man.

[silly music]

Hey you guys remember that time

six months ago when Kevin won that prize

and I sold all those tapes
of those two weird guys

named Dooley and Chubbs to
that television reporter?

Yeah Percy.

I remember all of that that happened

six months ago.

What did you ever do with the

f*ck' money anyway broken head?

Narrator: Kevin told
his parents that after

a long process of evaluating
the financial options

and weighing the rewards of
short term high risk investment

as apposed to long term
security that he decided

to spend the whole $25,000

on a gold chain with his name on it.

[laughs]

f*ck you're stupid boy.

[laughs]

Shut up TV's comin on.

[childish music]

Are you ready kids?

Here is it, the number
one kid show in the world.

The show that's breaking
all the records and earning

all those millions of dollars.

The Dooley and Chubbs show.

[people applauding]

After Dooley and Chubbs
finish the staring contest

they sat down and ate some stew.

More stew?

Yes.

Was Jenna Davis really 35ft tall?

I don't know, I never met her.

Me neither.

Percy: Man them c*ck like stew.



I made my decision and I stick by it.

Yeah well your decision
means we still poor

and I'm almost out of
Rye so you better come up

with something real quick.

Why don't you just
toss a free on at the guy

at the liqoure store for a bottle.

He cut me off on
account I give him crabs.

Tell him to take a number.

Hey I got an idea.

Let's make the boy write another book.

Narrator: Kevin told his parents that

he didn't even remember
writing the first book.

And it wasn't real likely
he was going to get off

his lazy a*s and write
another one even if he did.

That's the f*ck'
beauty of my plan boy.

Narrator: The more
Kevin thought about it

the more his mind wondered off.

Thinking about girls in tight
sweaters playing Volleyball.

[beach music]

[comic booing]

There he goes again
with the Volleyball.

I told ya you should never
have shown him that magazine.

I'm his father for f*ck sake.

It's my job to teach him
about the birds and the bees

and how to f*ck and all that sh*t.

It aint like he's ever gonna get no one

to sleep with him without payin for it.

So what the hell does it
matter if he's any good?

Just a little something
called the Spencer reputation.

That aint worth sh*t
ya fat filthy drunk.

Well it was good enough
to land you wasn't it?

You got me cause I was young and drunk

and you had a mustache and I
thought you was Tom Sellick.

So did I for a while, big f*ck' deal.

Now can we get on with whoring our son

for drinkin' money or what?

Fine, so what's your big plan.

Load the boy in the car,
I'll tell you on the way.

[upbeat music]

So what's your plan?

I don't know, I forget.

Figures, as*h*le.

I heard that, you're lucky I'm drivin'.

Oh I'm real scared.

Well you should be.

Here I am all scared look at me

I'm terrified of the fat drunk man.

Don't f*ck' push me.

I'll push you right outa that f*ck'

door if ya don't shut ya mouth.

I'd like to see ya try.

[man screaming]

You see that?

I learned him good didn't I boy?

[woman screaming]

[bouncy music]

Do you remember that
time two months ago

when you shoved me out of the car

and the car drove into that big ditch?

Yeah what of it?

Nothin, hey.

What, f*ck!

You ever wonder why all these months

keep going past and the
boy don't get not older?

No.

Yeah me neither.

[upbeat intro music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

[guitar riff]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Percy: Now can we get on with whoring

our son for drinking money or what?

[sustained guitar keys]