03x08 - Homunculus

[bunniefuu]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Woman: No need to get off the couch!

[water splashing]

Announcer: We now return to

our Lunchtime Matinee,
Explorers of Adventure,

another Canadian cinematic achievement

shot in Montreal during
the tax shelter '70s.

I say, professor,

could this be the legendary
lost continent of Afazia?

[dramatic music]

I dare not believe it, Tompkins.

Hold me so I know it's real.

Closer.

Oh, professor.

This heat's making you starkers.

Perhaps a song will
keep our spirits up.

Give me my ukulele.

[laughs]

[gentle ukulele music]
[birds chirping]

Anastasia: Hey here comes Percy,

and he's carrying a big box of stuff.

He should've gotten some help.

He ain't gonna be able
to open the front door

carrying all that junk.

Ow!

See, I knew that was gonna happen.

I don't know what that
arsehole's thinking sometimes.

Hey look what I got.

Neighbors f*cked over the tax department,

so the government's selling
all their sh*t on the lawn.

Got a wine-making kit, knife, machete,

even some porno and lawn
darts, all for two bucks.

Geez, I should've hung
out with that guy more.

Isn't all that stuff ill*gal?

Just the lawn darts.

Hey boy, wanna have a sword fight, whoops.

sh*t.

[ominous music]

[grunting]

Narrator: Kevin wondered
what it would be like

to be a real swashbuckling
explorer of adventure,

instead of a fat man
with a drinking problem

swinging a weapon in the
poorly decorated living room

of a subsidized house.

[swords clanging]

Aye, argh captain.

I thought we'd go over your
schedule for the week, sir.

At nine p.m. we're gonna get drunk again.

[all cheering]

Tomorrow you'll sack the
Dutch governor's residence

on St. Kit's, free all the prisoners,

and wed your pirate princess.

[all cheering]

And then we'll have sex with
our sexy Polynesian wives.

[all cheering]

Tell us again Walter,

how we'll all get drunk.

Oh yes, captain.

You'll be drinking from the finest liquor

from around the world in sexy bottles

with labels and everything.

[all cheering]

[laughs]

[all cheering]

Narrator: The pirate
scourge of Black Cap Spencer

plagued the Spanish main

and many Dutch outposts in the interior.

Spencer also explored uncharted regions

of South Central America,

until he sobered up in 1639
and revealed he'd actually been

in the grip of an alcoholic
blackout for 12 years.

He was immediately sent back to school.

[ominous music]

It's time to present
your oral assignments

in front of the class.

Kevin?

Narrator: Kevin read his assignment

and told everyone he wanted
to be an explorer of adventure

like Vasco de Gama, or Carlos Castaneda.

[kids laughing]

Oh really, and just what
were you planning on exploring?

There's nothing left, Spencer.

Thanks to satellites, we can see

every square inch of this planet.

[satellites beeping]

There's no more unexplored jungles,

no undefiled tribes,
or unmapped continents.

Wait a minute, there's
still outer space.

It's the final frontier, for
God's sake you pitiful humans!

Should you turn off your
science fiction channel

long enough to find a clue, Bo,

you may remember mankind
hasn't even been to the moon

in 20 years and doesn't plan to soon.

Sorry children, but when
it comes to exploring,

it's been done.

[somber music]

[laughing evilly]

And considering your lifestyle, Spencer,

the only space you'll be
going into is a parking space,

driving the car of someone much richer

and more worthwhile than you.

Narrator: Kevin wanted
to tell the old bag

that he'd be paying her car a
visit in the parking lot later

but he lost his train of
thought before he could,

and wandered away thinking about rabbits.

Now if there are no
further dreams I can ridicule,

let's get back to our creative writing.

Ahem, thank you, thank you.

I've written some free verse
based on Homer's Odyssey.

It inspired me because
James Joyce called Ulysses

the only truly complete man

in the vast pantheon
of Western literature.

h*m*!

I'm not a h*m*, you son of a b*tch!

Who said that?

Bo, Bo!
[laughing]

Whoever said that,
take it right back now!

[crying]

[pleasant music]
[birds chirping]

Narrator: Kevin thought
about what the teacher had said.

[kids laughing]

Could it be the dream of a global village

had a horrible side effect

of castrating the future of any mystery?

Was the teacher just a pessimist?

He decided to flatten her tires,

so at least he'd feel
some sense of empowerment.

He figured that'd make her

reevaluate her worldview right quick.

This young man is about to
suffer a terrible accident.

Hello there, I'm Dr. Walter Penfield

and I'm world famous,

at least in neurological medicine,

for my pioneering work in brain mapping.

Perhaps you've heard of
my Penfield homunculus

used to illustrate sensory
prioritization in the brain?

Well as you can see, this is
how our brain sees our body

with a lot of attention to the eyes,

and variable attention
on the private bitties.

Thanks Tom, they'll
pay you on the way out.

No problem.

[pleasant music]

This young man is about to
suffer a severe head trauma,

a trauma that would k*ll an average person

except for the astounding specifics

of neurological happenstance.

Let's watch.

Any second now.

Horrible.

A terrible head injury.

You may want to ask youngsters
and more sensitive viewers

to leave the room, because
this will be ghastly.

A gruesome brain trauma will happen

any second now.

Okay, here it comes.

[ominous music]

[lawn dart whistling]

Hey boy, I just lobbed a
lawn dart over the house...

Holy f*ck!

I k*lled him.

Okay okay, if I get drunk
now I just might get

seven years for diminished capacity.

f*ck I done it now, old
lady's gonna have my nuts!

Now you're saying, but
that child must be dead!

Am I correct?

Wrong!

Let's look at the precedent.

In extremely rare occasions,
a projectile may enter

through the skull, severing
the corpus collosum,

ricocheting past the
thalamus, hippocampus,

and optic chiasms until
finally leaving the skull,

which as we can see in
this slow motion replay,

it does through the bottom of the jaw.

This is a one in a million injury

with few documented survivors,

but those who do sometimes
wish they hadn't.

Sounded spooky there, didn't I?

[laughs evilly]
[ominous music]

Intercom: Dr. Flores--

Young man?

Oh Kevin?

You have a visitor from

the Volunteer Performers Association.

[robot beeping]

I am SR, a robot.

I can put my head back on, you can't,

so play safe.

[robot beeping]

[upbeat music]

Jesus, there ya are.

You bled like a stuck pig, boy.

Hey nurse, hold my beer.

Got to apologize to the boy.

Listen, I didn't mean
to nail ya in the head

with that lawn dart.

And I'm gonna make it up to ya.

Saved you half my slice.

Anyways, don't tell your ma it was me,

or the lawn dart will be
the easy way out, get it?

Narrator: Kevin suddenly
had a strange feeling.

It was strange, because it was a feeling.

For the first time in his life,

Kevin experienced an emotion.

[eerie music]

[laughing]

Naturally, it was a horrifying
repulsion to his father.

[plucky music]

[gulping]

[plucky music]

Wow, seems like I ain't
been in a hospital in weeks.

Well well, if it isn't Mrs. Spencer.

Yeast infection season comes oh so soon.

Better order some more medication.

Hey b*tch, I'm here to see my son.

So you know where you can stick

your yeast infection medication.

Kevin, oh Kevin it's my boy!

Oh Kevin, Mommy's so
glad to see you alive!

[emotional music]

What are you doing with my son?

Come here, Bradley.

Your son?

But he looks just like my Kevin.

You must have Bradley
confused for someone else.

I guess.

His eyes ain't as bloodshot as my boy,

and it looks like he's
been eating something

besides macaroni and oranges.

Come along Bradley, we still have time

to make our flight to LA.

Holy frig, the hairs on
my neck are standin' up!

[laughs]
[eerie music]

Okay, let's try this again.

Oh baby Kevin, I'm so happy to see you!

Narrator: Kevin started
telling mom and dad

how glad he was to see them.

We're glad to see you too, boy.

Shouldn't baby him so much.

Narrator: Then Kevin climbed
out of bed and hugged mom.

Okay, that's a good boy.

That's right, Mommy loves you.

What the, hey you little fairy

get your friggin' hands off me.

Oh, g*dd*mn that tears it.

[plucky music]

I'm gonna sue you f*ck
for breakin' my kid's brain.

Sir, we barely saved your son's life.

Considering your health
card's a forgery from Nunavut,

I think we're being pretty
nice about the whole thing.

[plucky music]

Well then give me my
lawn dart back at least.

Narrator: Before Kevin could go home,

he had to face several months
of cognitive rehabilitation

to prove he could still
function properly in society.

He'd never functioned in society before,

but he figured if he
didn't tell them that,

they might teach him how to do it,

since his sucky parents and
the shitty school system

weren't exactly busting their humps.

[dramatic music]

Kevin couldn't remember

why this strange duck looked familiar.

Sweet baby, sweet!

Narrator: In fact
there were a lot of things

about himself he couldn't recall.

That's when it occurred to him

that nothing was occurring to him anymore,

and that there seemed to be huge chunks

of his memory missing.

Those would probably be the ones

we washed off the lawn dart.

Here, we put them in a jar for you.

[pleasant music]

[chomping]
[upbeat music]

Narrator: Kevin's
folks were pretty happy

that the boy had survived.

At least at first.

So they figured they'd
do some celebrating.

I'm telling you, this kid
was a spitting image of Kevin,

only he had a nice haircut

and I didn't see no
bugs on him or nothin'.

You don't think it could be?

You said we was never supposed to

talk about that in front of the boy.

Just like that thing about

how his you know what ain't normal sized.

I don't know, I think
he's old enough now

to know about his identical twin brother.

[dramatic music]

Yeah, I guess he is old enough.

Ah f*ck, I just drank his brain.

[both laughing]

Narrator: That's when
Kevin's folks decided to broach

the poignant topic of telling him

about his long lost sibling.

When you were born,
there was two of ya.

But we couldn't afford you both,

so we ditched the other
one with some other people.

And we kept you, our brave little hero.

Yeah instead of the smart one.

I bet he wouldn't try
and catch a lawn dart

with his stupid head.

Narrator: Hearing that he had a brother

really consumed Kevin in
a sudden feeling of hope.

Maybe he wasn't utterly
disconnected from reality.

Maybe if he could find his twin,

he could find a way of
erasing the vacuous loneliness

of being trapped in a
world of his inferiors.

[dramatic music]

[crying]

What the hell's up with the kid?

Used to be you couldn't
get a rise out of him,

now he cries like a big
p*ssy at any old thing.

Narrator: Suddenly Kevin
felt a consuming rage.

For the first time he really felt it,

and he told the old man he'd cry too

if he had parents trying
to shove lawn darts

through his head.

What?

Percy!

He's lying, I'm going drinkin'.

I forgot my coat, but I'm
still really pissed off.

Oh your daddy's sorry he hurt ya, boy.

That's why he sucks back the brewskis

'til he's only feeling sorry for himself.

Narrator: As usual,
Mom was taking Dad's side.

Then he remembered he liked drinking too,

and got ready to head
out and bend an elbow.

It's just embarrassing is what it is.

[crying]

All right, he can come with me,

but he's buying the first round.

[laughs]
[emotional music]

[crying]

[blues music]

Hey Kevin it's your turn.

What's your poison, boy?

I mean, young man of legal age.

I ain't stupid.

By the way, we're promoting this new sh*t

called Bi-Polar Ice Beer.

Supposed to do something to your brain.

[blues music]

Better hope so.

Ain't paying 4.50 a bottle so
they cure my friggin' bunions.

[gulping]

Listen boy, I know
you don't remember me,

your old friend Allen, the
stupendous, transcendent

multi-dexterously resplendent goose,

but I'm warning you, broken head.

Tracking down that old brother of yours

is a dangerous, uncharted road
fraught with emotional peril.

Narrator: Kevin knew that
getting private information

from the hospital was going to be

a monumental pain in the arse.

So he decided on an elaborate plan

for hiding in the building,

so that he could break
into the records after dark

and find out his brother's address.

[dog growling]

Well hello there, young man.

What a wonderful pleasure
to see you again so soon.

I thought your mother was
taking you back to Los Angeles.

We were going to mail these X-rays to you,

but I can just give them to you here.

[eerie music]

Narrator: Kevin packed up
his most cherished possessions

and prepared for the long
journey to find his brother.

Percy: Where's my
f*ck' rolling machine?

[insects chirping]

[people chattering]

Announcer: Attention, the
nine p.m. express to Winnipeg

has disappeared mysteriously.

Repeat, the bus has
disappeared mysteriously.

A new bus will be along
as soon as we hose it out.

Let's see here, Los Angeles by bus.

Our most direct route is via Quebec City,

Bangor, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island,

the Lost City of Gold, and then
transfer in Sault St. Marie,

direct to LA is our express route.

[pleasant music]

Narrator: Kevin asked the
guy in the seat next to him

if he knew when the bus was leaving.

As soon as the bus driver

decides he's finished in the bathroom.

Yeah, whatever.

[pleasant music]

Narrator: Kevin was
hypnotized by the haunting view

of the moonlit forest at night.

Transfixed by the dark cloak

falling across the barren landscape,

he could almost tune out

the as*h*le in the seat next to him.

I said I'm a busker, are you listening?

I'm a busker, damn it,
and I'm not ashamed.

It's an art form, okay?

I've been to Australia, man.

Narrator: Kevin asked
the extroverted jackass

if he knew any sentences

that didn't start with the letter I.

I don't know.

[pleasant music]

[crying]

Hey, relax kid.

Here, I'll cheer ya up by eating fire.

Oh my god, oh dude my beard!

I'm burning!

Narrator: Kevin wanted
to laugh at the as*h*le

for getting what he deserved,

but for some reason
witnessing the horrible agony

simply made him disconnect,

and he sensed that familiar
feeling of nothing.

Listen, broken head.

You keep trying to find your brother

and you won't be happy.

In case you haven't
noticed, you have emotions.

Now you can feel things,
and that's pretty awful

in a shitty world like ours.

Famine, disease, w*r.

Do you really wanna feel all that?

Hey kid, come down here.

Where you headin' kid?

You know, I see a lot of
things driving this bus.

Loners searching for meaning,

people having sex in the back seats,

and I can tell by looking at you

that you got a mind for a wandering.

Look kid, maybe I'm just a
hydrocephalic victim of giantism

driving a bus and posing
for medical textbooks,

but I know one thing for sure.

The Hindenburg was no accident.

Narrator: Kevin was starting to wonder

if searching for his brother
really was such a good idea.

After all, the company sure sucked.

That's about the point the
bus rolled off an embankment.

[people screaming]
[bus crashing]

[dramatic music]

[expl*si*n booming]

[intense music]
[gong crashes]

[glass tinkles]

My god, everyone's okay but the driver.

He didn't make it.

[ominous music]

It's starting to snow!

What should we do?

Everyone inside the bus.

We're gonna have to face
some ugly facts, folks.

Reality check, no matter what happens,

no matter how awful things get,

somehow we have to survive.

I suggest we cannibalize the driver.

[flames hissing]

Narrator: And so the living

were forced to cannibalize the dead.

Feasting upon human flesh to survive

certainly gave Kevin a new
perspective on existence.

He had to emotionally disconnect himself

if he didn't wanna die a
horrible death by hypothermia.

Somehow, he found that insulating himself

from reality felt more comfortable.

Soon the driver had been
completely cannibalized,

which was pretty shitty considering

that they were only a five
minute walk out of town

when the accident happened,

but they were just too damn
lazy to walk back for help.

Whoa, it's been like three hours.

There's no avoiding the
facts, we'll never be saved.

One of us is going to
have to go out there.

Spencer, I volunteer you, dude.

[somber music]

[whistles]

[upbeat music]

[tires squeal]

Oh that's quite a story, cannibalism.

But you know, sometimes when
you're in a tough situation,

you have to make some tough choices.

I come from a country where things

aren't as nice as here.

One time, our elevators
got stuck between floors.

We never thought they'd get us out

so we were forced to drink our own urine

to avoid dehydration.

But sure enough, 20 minutes
later they found us.

Boy did we feel awkward.

Narrator: When Kevin got back to town,

he forgot about the other bus passengers.

He also forgot about finding his brother.

He'd always had a lousy memory

on account of all the substance abuse,

but since getting hit in
the head with the lawn dart,

it was way worse.

As it turned out, Kevin
never even came close

to finding his brother Bradley,

which was probably for the better

because their personalities
were very similar

and they probably wouldn't have
liked each other very much.

Narrator: And it was
discovered that they had to

cannibalize the bus
driver's remains to survive.

And speaking of cannibalization,
here's a 1976 gem

shot in Toronto about cannibal zombies

who start their own carwash.

[eerie music]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Busker: I said I'm a
busker, are you listening?

I'm a busker, damn it!

[rock music]