03x03 - Night School

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[laugh]

[upbeat music]
[birds chirping]

[upbeat music]
[clattering]

Students, students, today
we're going to discuss bullies.

Bullying has become a real
problem in schools today.

[splat]

Yo Yo Yo, I'm down with that.

Like one time, when my boys

and I are tracking to the west side,

we run into a couple a guys
fronting us east coast style.

What's up.

Um, much like a Paulie Shore movie,

bullies make victims of us all.

That's why you should pay
attention to this performance

by the Teens Through
Understanding Players.

[class boos]

[clicking pencil]

I know the secret to friendship.

You have to be a friend, to make a friend.

Now, come on up and help us
sing the Friendship song.

[lighthearted piano music]
[squishing]

♪ You have to be a friend ♪

♪ To make a friend ♪

♪ It's a fun new way to be ♪

♪ It's time to cleanse yourself ♪

♪ Leave your g*n on the shelf ♪

♪ Don't beat up everyone you see ♪

♪ Give a helping hand
don't forget to smile ♪

♪ You have to be a friend ♪

♪ To make a friend ♪

[chuckling]

Narrator: Kevin was
excited about making friends.

[Kevin singing]

and started singing as soon as he got to

the front of the class.

[children laugh]

[lighter flicks]
[laughing]

Intercom: Attention, attention.

Kevin Spencer, principal's office now.

Neil Wilkenson, call home.

Your father was k*lled on

a construction site.

Well anyway, there's been some concern.

[thuds]
[cries out]

[laughing]
[clapping]

Kevin Spencer, Spencer,
Spencer, oh right, the sociopath.

I thought you were dead.

Anyway, there's been some
concern about the poetry you

contributed to the yearbook.

Currents of darkness envelope my dreams,

Crimson joy midst innocent screams,

Rage and atonement blinding my past,

I must take it out on
the shop teachers a*s.

Narrator: Kevin told the Principal

that his palm was making

a compelling statement about
the hierarchy of power within

the public education system.

Yes, well the school
psychologist can decide that.

I'm sure you know the way to his office.

Now, be gone.

Oh my Lord!

[dramatic chord]

Hey, Spencer. You in trouble again too?

I hot linked all the school
computers to a website

that's sold roofies.

This dump has no sense of humor.

Want to go to a bush party this weekend?

It's suppose to be really huge.

If we go, we'll be cool.

Narrator: Kevin was surprised.

He had plenty of experience
drinking in the woods.

He'd just never done it
with other people before.

He liked it because no one hassled him.

And it was easier to catch
city officials doing things

with goats, that probably
aren't covered by

any live stock handling laws.

[goat bleats]

Usually, he only went into
the woods alone at night,

because it was easier to
hallucinate without the distraction

of functioning in society.

Hey Kevin, you should
go to the bush party.

You always saying you
want people to like you.

Though I shudder to think
why you'd want to be part

of that legion of
idiotic, spoon-fed sheep.

[upbeat music]
[Kevin giggles]

Narrator: Kevin was suspicious too.

Normally Timmy only felt
ambivalence towards him,

and Kevin wondered why
he was being so nice.

[ominous music]

[slap]

[thuds]

[dramatic music]

Excuse me but, I think
there's a kid bleeding

to death out here.

[dramatic music]

[car engine]
[birds chirping]

[sighs]

That Spencer boy was just
mentioned on the news again.

Little b*stard torched
a mini putt yesterday.

You can't play with him
anymore cause he's evil.

Narrator: Normally, Timmy
thought Kevin was stupid,

and never hung out with him anyways.

But he was out to prove he had
more ba*ls than his mother.

So, what if I am hanging
out with that spicer kid?

It's Spencer.

Always correcting me, nothing
I do is good enough for you!

[glass breaks]

Where, where are you going?

Out!

[door slams]
[shatters]

I need the Porsche so take the VW.

I don't need you for anything.

You're suffocating me!

You're gonna read about me
tomorrow in the obituaries!

You, f*cking draconia lumpin,
proletarian robber parents!

[cries out]

[door crashes]
[glass breaks]

Hmmm, I don't suppose you want to know

what he just called us?

[tires screech]
[dramatic music]

Little b*stard, took
the Porsche, didn't he?

Why can't you show love, Marvin?

I don't know what to show it, Dotty.

[dramatic music]

[thuds]
[cries out]

[upbeat music]

[rock music]

Narrator: Bush
parties were real popular

with kids in Kevin's neighborhood.

Mostly because there was f*ck all else

to do in the suburbs.

The town use to have a
water-slide park, which had been

constructed from the
city's old sewer system.

Teenagers didn't seem to
mind that they were skidding

through tunnels once
engorged with human waste.

At least they didn't mind
until they had to be de-wormed.

Party!

Party!

Supple Terra f*cking rocks!

Stop everyone.

My friend, Janice is
here and she's written

a song for her guitar.

So, let's give it a listen.

It's about kites.

[record scratches]

[crickets chirp]

[grass rustles]

Supple Terra f*cking rocks!

[morose music]

I dropped out of university.

I was thinking of being a serial k*ller

but, even that's not original anymore.

So, now I just sit at home
and make little plastic

shoe trees for a mail-order company.

Oh, until I have enough
money to get into DeVry.

Narrator: Kevin was pretty
jimmied up on stolen booze

and he was starting to get angry,

because he was surrounded by rich

and middle income and
lower-middle income assholes

who, compared to him, were
all gonna get the world handed

to them on a silver platter.

If it weren't for the fact
that he was eventually going to

break into all their homes
and steal their stuff anyway,

you'd think there was
no justice after all.

My brother's in engineering.

You wouldn't believe what they stuck up

his arse on thrush week.

Let's just say he had to take
engineering just to figure out

how to get it all out again.

[clinks]

I am the master of beer caps.

Let's have sex to
get back at my parents.

Damned it.

Why do all you hot chicks
always hang out with

guys who use drugs?

Don't you know it de-nudes vital

brain cells in the cerebellum?

Shut up as*h*le.

Maybe if your crank was as long as your

sentences, you'd get some
action instead of pulling your

putt on the computer.

Narrator: Kevin told Timmy not to worry

and that he did plenty of drugs

and girls didn't like him either.

He figured if he ever wanted a girlfriend,

he'd just get a hooker like his old man.

But, for some reason, he
didn't feel like it lately.

Mostly because, years of substance abuse

had left him hopelessly impotent.

[rock music]
[chattering]

It's teens!

Martha!

Teens!

[dramatic music]

[keypad beeps]

Teens!

[sirens blaring]
[engines rumbling]

[crowd screams]

[dogs growl]

[thumping]
[screaming]

[dramatic music]

Whoa, hey, at least we saved the booze.

Oh, there's my car.

Let's go find a place to drink this sh*t.

Narrator: Kevin sure was impressed with

Timmy's fancy Porsche.

But there was just no nice
way to tell him that all the

money and privilege in the
world wasn't going to stop him

from being a shitty driver.

Tell me something, Spencer.

You ever have the feeling your

parents don't understand you?

Like you're from another world

and just don't understand your feelings?

Hey boy, I'm taking your Ma
to the drug store so she can

fake a seizure and I'm.

[sniffs]

Goddammit, ma, the kid went

and dug up all the dead
animals in the yard again.

This time he's dressed them
up like Hollywood Squares.

No one thinks I've got d*ck.

Not my parents.

Not those guys at the party.

Timmy's just a nerdy
brainiac who tries too hard.

But, I've got ba*ls, Spencer.

Plenty of ba*ls, wanna see?

[tires screech]

Narrator: Kevin was
smart enough to know

he was suppose to be frightened.

But surprisingly, when Timmy
let go of the steering wheel,

the car drove straighter
than it had all night.

[car crashes]

[bag hisses]

[car hissing]

[whooshes]

Bravo my friend, bravo.

Whoa, that was sweet.

The old man's gonna burst
a vessel on this one.

Let's go before the cops get here.

Narrator: Kevin told
Timmy he knew for a fact the

school didn't have any burglar alarms.

In fact, the only security, was
an old janitor, who happened

to be on the crapper when
the car crashed through the

back of the toilet.

Is that old b*stard dead?

You better hope not.

I'm tired of us getting tried
in adult court all the time.

Hey boy we haven't been
shopping at the high school

for awhile now.

What you say we reap some

of the benefits of a higher education?

[bricks crash]

[upbeat music]

[dramatic music]

Okay, first things first.

Tell the silver spooned p*ssy p*ssy

cry baby he better
report his car stolen so

as we don't take the heat.

You keep an eye on him so

he's don't go soft.

I'll scope out the place

and see if they've re-stocked

the inventory since our last visit.

[dramatic music]

[banging]

[glass shatters]

[valve squeaks]

[dramatic music]

Narrator: Kevin decided to
show Timmy his second favorite

shaving cream joke.

What's your favorite one?

Newscaster: And in other
news, today a two fugitives from

a mental hospital were
apprehended in a local mans shed

[thuds]
[cries out]

Narrator: Kevin put
all the shaving cream from

the teachers lounge into the freezer.

They had some time to k*ll
before they froze solid,

so Timmy decided to do
some redecorating while

Kevin worked on forgetting his life.

[dramatic music]

Narrator: The following stunt

has not been approved
by Drunken Welfare Man.

You'd have to be as stupid

and f*cked up as the boy to
try something this Ret*rded.

So, don't do it cause I'm not

paying off anymore f*cking lawsuits.

[dramatic music]

♪ He's the Drunken Welfare Man ♪

[gulps]

[thuds]

Narrator: When the cans were
finally frozen, they hacked

them open and put the
frozen cream cylinders

into a teachers desk.

And when it thaws out, wahoo, kablooey.

It'll flood out the classroom.

Now come along my delinquent duo.

I found something
interesting in the basement.

[dramatic music]

[groans]

Whoa.

What happened?

Feels like I popped a
roid the size of a, whoa.

Looks like we got some trespassers.

Better 9 11 pronto.

[suspenseful music]

[banging]
[suspenseful music]

[crying out]
[suspenseful music]

[moaning]

Whoa! Mr. Donaldson, I'm sorry.

Goddammit Hector!

Does it look like anything
in here needs to be cleaned?

Yeah, you're three minutes early,

and that's if we do it twice.

Does it excite you to feel my rage?

If I don't feel something
in two minutes, as*h*le,

I'm calling me driver.

Don't worry Crystal.

I got an arrangement with the janitor.

[lighter flicks]

He doesn't tell anyone
about my little rendezvous

and I don't tell anyone about his little

mushroom farm in the basement.

Wow, nice shrooms.

So, you say you're
imaginary friend is a goose?

And he told you there were
mushrooms in the basement?

Man you are out there.

[Kevin giggles]

Boy, if those chicks saw me
now, they'd think I was cool,

wouldn't they?

Narrator: Kevin wasn't
really listening to Timmy's

pissing and moaning on
account the mushrooms were

kicking in and he and Allen
were riding first class

to Kevin's happy spot.

Hey, look what I found.

It's the health films only the

girls are allowed to watch.

[upbeat music]

[electronics whirring]

TV: So you want to put a p*nis

in your vag*na.

Fine.

[babies scream]

Go ahead.

She did.

Doesn't look so fun now, does it?

That's because she did it

without knowing the proper way to do it.

Boring!

At which point the erectile tissue.

Stimulation of the areola.

Labial mucous.

Perfect.

[chuckles] Here's the good part.

Now you're ready for vaginal
penetration as demonstrated

by my colleagues Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones.

So, should I just start f*cking?

Sweet baby, sweet

[moans]

Gross, looks like a
rabbi eating a hoagie.

I can't wait til a girl lets me do that.

Narrator: As Timmy
watched the health video,

he felt his first sexual stirrings.

Kevin didn't notice though because

he was convinced the skeleton
in the corner was an assassin

sent from the under-world
to steal his soul.

Best you go k*ll it
before he get you boy.

Use Timmy's ax.

Jesus Christ, Kevin, did your idiot friend

leave that ax leaning against the door?

Oh, that's just f*cking perfect.

Well, it's gone now

and that can only mean one thing.

The ax monkey is here.

You know something, Spencer?

Maybe I was wrong about you.

You're pretty bad sh*t man.

I never really had

a friend before but, I
know I can count on, hey!

Where'd you get ta ya little f*ck wad?

[eerie music]

Where'd you go man?

The mushrooms are starting to hit me.

You can't leave me here to trip alone.

[electricity sparks]

[cries out]
[ominous music]

No!

No!

[footsteps]
[suspenseful music]

[monkey screeches]

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

You sure are going
to a lot of trouble just

to get some action.

Listen, baby.

Do you know how much a
prost*tute costs on a

school teachers salary?

Now, get over here.

I've got a desk with your name on it,

you naughty, naughty girl.

Oh, you're not gonna
spank me are ya teacher?

Yes I am.

It's gonna, what the hell?

What's wrong?

[suspenseful music]

Maybe we oughta just call it a night.

You still got to pay me though.

[eerie music]

[Kevin giggles]

Narrator: Kevin figured
he'd had about enough fun for

one night so, he decided
to go home and watch TV

and have a few drinks with his parents.

Just to take the edge off.

[clicks]

Dad: Bring daddy a beer broken head.

Holy smokes.

What the f*ck happened to you?

[upbeat music]

[laughing]

Leave Kevin alone
you stupid fat b*stard.

[gulping beer]

Don't worry boy, the big, bad
a*s monkey can't hurt you now.

You said a*s monkey,
you stupid illiterate.

Are you saying I don't know my own boy?

All's I'm saying is I just don't care.

Sit down boy, you're blocking the TV.

Narrator: As he lay
in an embryonic ball,

Kevin contemplated how the
whole evening had given him

a new understanding of friendship.

[crazy laugh]

Timmy, who'd spent six hours bad tripping

and lost in the cold, dark basement,

also had a new understanding
about friendship.

And a new understanding about his parents.

Which is why he knee capped the old man

with a two by four

and got sent to a fancy private
clinic for psychological

assessment and detox.

Kevin went to visit Timmy in the asylum,

because that's the sort
of thing a friend would do

and because he didn't
want to violate his parole

by not showing up for his weekly meeting.

Plus Kevin still believed
that if you really

pretended long enough,
he might eventually feel

the thing normals called friendship.

[phones rattle]

Oh yes, Kevin.

I'm your new friend.

I'm going to be the best
friend you ever had.

[evil laugh]

How about it, Kevin?

[eerie music]

[dramatic chord]

[upbeat music]

That's good thinking Kevin, f*ck 'em.

He's a as*h*le anyway.

You don't need no friend besides me.

Hey, how ya doing Kev?
hey Spenser.

How's it going Kevin?
Woman: hey Kev.

Hello Kevin.
Man: Hi Kevin

Man: Nice to see you Kev.

Woman: Hi Kevin.

Intercom: Doctor Florins,
dial one, two, three.

[giggles]

Uh oh.

[glass shatters]

[crashing]
[crunching]

Pass the ketchup.

[banging]

[squirting]
[banging]

What the f*ck is that noise?

[crashing]

Who cares.

[flies buzz]

[thuds]

You, you eat like a pig!

You look like a pig.

Up yours as*h*le.

Well it's about f*cking time.

That noise was driving me nuts.

That's a short f*cking drive.

Give me a smoke.

Ain't got none, ask the boy.

Hey Kevin, you got any smokes?

[cries out]
[crashes]

[crying out]

[laughing] Good one boy.

Hey, bring daddy a smoke.

[upbeat music]
[crying out]

[laughs] Jesus, I thought you was just

chopping down a f*cking tree.

You want a can a meat boy?

Bring me a can a beer while you's up.

Me too.

Show some f*cking respect broken head.

I'm your father.

You just get us our
beers then go to your room.

[upbeat music]

[whooshes]

[can crashes]

[upbeat music]

[beeping]

[dramatic music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a teen smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Timmy: Man, you are out there.

[dramatic chord]