♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ I don't like him, never did ♪
[bleep]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath ♪
[birds chirping]
[upbeat music]
- Oh, g*dd*mn syringes.
Ow, son of a wh*re.
- [Narrator] Kevin is
taking the day off school
to go shopping with his dad.
He figured the guy who lives in this place
must've been pretty rich
because all his booze
came from bottles that looked
like fancy hotel lamps.
- Oh man, this guy smokes Slims.
Jeez, you don't know what
kind of losers you live with
until you dig through their garbage.
- [Narrator] Kevin liked digging through
his neighbor's garbage because
it helped him learn stuff
about the people who lived around him,
like how much everyone
owed on their credit cards,
and which of his schoolteachers
wore adult diapers.
[slow funky music]
- Holy cripes, look at
these empty pill bottles.
I bet the old bag that lives here
is as hammered as a floor nail.
Come on broken head,
let's bust into her garage
and see if she got any sniffin' paint.
Jackpot!
Hey look boy, Hustlers from
back when Larry was walking.
[playful music]
[laughs]
They're called stubbies.
We used to call it drinkin'
from the brown tit.
Come on, help me get
the tarp off this car.
[angelic choir music]
I ain't never seen a car this old before.
Running boards, crimson red shine,
high gloss rear view mirror.
How do you not steal it?
That's the question.
Come on boy, we're gonna
do up some joyriding.
Where the hell's the
ignition wire in this thing?
[playful music]
- Dear Sir, your recent
advertising campaign
said that your soup was
better than Grandma's.
Well, you're full of sh*t!
If I ever get my hands on you,
you'll wish you died during childbirth!
[car engine revving]
Goodness me, that sounds
like my automobile.
[car engine chugging]
- Pump faster boy, thing's
gotta turn over eventually.
- Get out of the car
you freaking Communist!
- Get lost you old bag,
you'll give yourself a stroke.
[car engine chugging]
[g*nshots fire]
Get in quick, Kevin.
The old lady's gone nuts.
[energetic jazzy music]
[woman shouting]
Look at me, I'm driving Miss Daisy.
That makes you Miss Daisy, boy.
You little fruit. [laughs]
- [Narrator] It occurred to Kevin
that the old man would
get the two of them k*lled
if he didn't lose the
old b*stard right quick,
so he told him to drop him off at school.
[energetic jazzy music]
- Spencer, do you know who has
the worst attendance
record in this school?
Do you?
It used to be a boy named Shawn Jerkovitz,
but it turned out he had an excuse.
He was kidnapped by his real father.
You're not that lucky.
You've actually been absent
more often than in attendance.
I want an explanation, damn it!
- [Narrator] Kevin said
he found the curriculum
a tiresome repetition
of moronic exercises,
geared solely towards dehumanizing him
into a mindless consumer.
- Always with the smart
a*s remarks, you punks.
You're all deaf, and fly,
and getting down with the
hip cats at the clambake.
You want out of school so bad?
Fine.
You're gonna work on our
Meals On Wheels programs
bringing food to the elderly shut-ins.
[dramatic music]
- We built a van for the
Meals On Wheels program.
My finest shop students put in
a lot of weekends to build it,
but it's still basically a piece of crap.
It used to be an ambulance
for The Humane Society,
you'll get used to the smell.
- [Narrator] Kevin was nervous.
He didn't think the van was very safe,
mostly because it was
built by kids he knew
from juvenile detention, and
drinking down by the docks.
- I hope you know how
to tuck and roll, kid,
because I give this junker two days
before it's splattered
across an intersection.
Keys are inside.
[funky rock music]
[energetic music]
- Son of a b*tch.
[slow rock music]
- Thank you for this lovely meal.
Could you please help me grind it up,
so I can digest it through
my feeding tube here?
[slurps loudly]
Oh, that's the sweet stuff.
[slow rock music]
- And that's when that Cecily Montague,
she told me her hip
surgery was unnecessary.
Can you imagine that?
[slow rock music]
[thumping]
- Hey, long time no see Kevin, buddy.
Thanks for the food, but what
I really need is some heroin.
I'm jonesing bad, buddy.
Think tomorrow you could bring
a fix for your old pal, Beau?
Think about it Spencer,
I got plenty of money 'cause I'm still
on my Public Service
Union disability leave.
- [Narrator] Kevin didn't
figure it made much sense
to risk going to prison
for drug possession,
especially if it wasn't his drugs,
but Kevin took the money anyway,
because he figured he could outrun Beau,
on account of having legs.
Kevin was tired and bored,
and hammered on rye.
He was down to his last
delivery of the day,
and he wasn't much looking forward to it.
[thumping]
- 'Bout g*dd*mn time you got
here, you little b*stard!
You're slower than my nephew Chip,
and he grew up in a
house full of lead paint.
Speaking of poison, what
the hell kind of swill
you trying to pass off on me now?
Everyone's out to k*ll me, you know?
Some hippies stole my car.
[playful music]
- [Narrator] Kevin was nervous at first,
but luckily the old
widow was so medicated,
she didn't recognize him.
[sniffing]
- It's a conspiracy, first
Kennedy, then my car.
Police said they'd look for it,
fat chance of that happening.
Sit down already, you're
making me nervous.
Don't sit there!
That's Herman's chair.
Herman, my husband.
Can't you see him?
Ungrateful little brat,
best part of you ran
down your father's, oh.
[timer beeping]
It's time for my medicine.
- [Narrator] That's when Kevin
noticed something familiar.
More pill bottles, just like
the ones from the trash.
He realized that the widow Coleson
was the most delusional old
person he'd seen all day.
Kevin liked the fact
that she was delusional,
because that meant they
had something in common.
- Listen boy, I've been
thinking of retiring
my old Smith Corona, the cops
could match the keys too easy.
I'm thinking of getting jacked
into that there internet.
My friends say I can
write more death threats
and get them delivered with email.
I'll pay you the going rate.
[snoring]
[slow rock music]
- [Narrator] Kevin figured
since he was done work
for the day and since the
old widow was sleeping,
he'd have a look around the
house and do some shopping.
[springs squeaking]
[slow rock music]
- [Widow] Hey kid, you
can get started tomorrow.
- [Narrator] At first, Kevin's
old man was pretty excited
at the prospect of owning a vintage car,
but soon he realized it had its drawbacks.
[engine chugging]
- f*cking pile of junk.
- [Narrator] He also learned that the car
didn't have a very good suspension.
This made it hard pulling
into the driveway,
which hadn't been paved
since the flood of '46.
- Oh, that's just perfect.
[playful music]
[water dripping]
[energetic music]
[bell rings]
[people shouting]
- Can I help you, sir?
- Car wash wrecked my smokes
and all my lottery tickets.
- Was your window open?
- No.
- Then how did all the water get in?
- Through the window, I mean door, roof.
Just don't let it happen
again, you son of a b*tch!
[playful music]
[bell rings]
[laughing]
[glass shatters]
[energetic music]
[brakes screeching]
Hey give me some free food, boy.
- [Narrator] Kevin told Percy
he was perfectly capable
of getting off his fat a*s,
and that the food was
supposed to be for shut-ins.
- I am a shut-in.
I gotta stay outta
sight 'til it gets dark,
then I can ditch this f*ck' car.
- [Narrator] Kevin said he should take it
to Jimmy's Pawn Shop.
Jimmy had a way of sorting things out.
- You're right, maybe
he'll let me trade it back
for my black velvet poster collection.
Thanks for the idea, boy.
Now give me my free meal
you little punk b*stard!
[energetic music]
- I'd like to have my ZZ Top CDs,
my lava lamp, my antique shoehorn,
and my silver plated set of
matching hot knives, please.
- Listen, you're just gonna
come back here in two days
and give all this junk back to
me so you can buy more drugs.
Why don't you just leave it here?
I'll cut you a deal on
a small storage fee.
- No way, man.
I need my tunes at least once a week.
Oh yeah.
♪ Every girl's crazy 'bout
a sharp dressed man ♪
[humming]
- Sorry Percy.
I can't give you your black
velvet poster collection back,
sold it to the Legion two days ago.
- Oh well, I get drunk there too.
Listen, I gotta get rid of a car.
Normally I'd just go
joyriding and ditch the thing,
this one might be worth something.
- I'm listening.
- Well, stop listening and come outside.
I'm not gonna drive the
f*ck' thing in here.
- I can give you 300 bucks.
- 300 bucks?
It should be in a museum.
At least you can strip it for parts.
- Oh, that's your answer
for everything ain't it?
Cars, bikes, exotic
dancers, and chicken wings.
Just strip something and problem solved.
Well, it won't work this time.
I can't front that thing.
Vintage car parts are rare,
everyone will trace 'em back to me.
- What the hell am I
supposed to do with it?
- I have a friend who's a mechanic.
He might be able to help you out.
Meet me after closing time
and I'll bring you over.
Maybe you can sell it
overseas or something.
In the meantime, you
better keep out of sight.
Cops are always checking my place out.
[energetic music]
- [Narrator] Kevin was still pretending
to set up the old widow's
computer and internet,
but every once in awhile he'd take a break
to try randomly experimenting
with her medication.
[tense piano music]
First he tried some blue pills,
and they made him real paranoid,
so he hid in the clothes
dryer for a few hours.
There were some multicolored pills
that slowed his heart
rate down so severely
that he had to smoke two packs
just to feel like himself again.
Then he tried some red pills.
They made all the lights
really, really bright
and he had to squint all the time.
Then he thought he was
going to stop breathing.
He liked the red pills most.
He took some green pills,
but they didn't seem to
have any effect at all,
at least they wouldn't until
he tried to have children.
It may have seemed dangerous,
but Kevin took the pills anyway,
because it helped him to not concentrate
on the old widow's stories about her life.
- My husband Herman and
I came to this country
onboard the Titanic.
That's right, I was onboard the Titanic.
[people screaming]
I was the only person with any guts
on that shipload of wimps.
I had to order the sailors
to kick all the third class passengers
out of my lifeboat before I got in.
They didn't wait for the rescue ship.
I just made Herman row his
lazy a*s to Newfoundland.
That's where we became
famous as Herman and Lille's
Good Time Husband and
Wife Folk Music expl*si*n.
But then, tragedy struck.
Herman suffered a
horrible accordion mishap,
which took his life.
[sobbing]
I couldn't carry on my
music career without Herman,
so I moved to Montreal
and became a radical member of the FLQ.
I specialized in blowing up mailboxes.
Then I had a torrid affair with
music superstar Rene Simard,
but my political beliefs
eventually pulled us apart,
them and the vice squad. [giggles]
Enough joking around, get
going with your chores!
[slow rock music]
- [Narrator] Kevin was
starting to like the old woman,
so he began to do other things
around the house to help her out,
like tending the shrine to her husband
that she kept in the closet.
It was surrounded by candles
and Polaroids with the
eyes mysteriously cut out.
[ominous music]
He also learned the difference
between American soap operas.
- Veronica, Steve is having an affair.
- [Narrator] And British soap operas.
- Hilda, Bobby's gone
and got his a*s stuck in the loo again.
- Jesus Lord, get a load of the teeth!
No wonder the Krauts bombed you.
[snoring]
- [Narrator] After stealing
her medication for a few days,
Kevin started to think the old widow
might notice her pills were missing.
So whenever she fell asleep,
he replaced them with candies.
- What can I do for you, sir?
- I'm here for the school bus
I dropped off earlier
for the safety check.
- Sir, I can't let you drive
this bus out of the garage.
The tires are bald, the
steering column's messed up,
and it's got more emission problems
than a baboon at a bean
dinner, it's a deathtrap.
- Well, how 'bout if I give you 50 bucks?
That's twice as much as I paid
for the Meals On Wheels van.
- Here's your safety
certificate, happy motoring.
- Yeah, like I'm getting behind the wheel.
I'll have the driver pick it
up before his morning route.
[laughs]
[playful music]
- What can I do for you boys?
- I stole an old car and
now I want to get rid of it.
- Let's have a look see.
[playful music]
Whoa, this here body yours?
- Christ almighty,
I knew there was something
screwy about that old bag.
- Whoa!
Must've been in there a long time.
- Well, what do you
want me to do with this?
Don't think my dogs
would be very interested,
they ain't too active no more.
[siren wailing]
[dramatic music]
- Freeze, this is the police!
- No sh*t, bonehead.
What the hell do you want?
- Do you deny illegally selling
vehicle safety certificates?
- Yeah sure.
- Wrong answer, pal.
We have recordings of you doing it.
- Oh, well then why the hell
did you even bother
asking me, you dickhead?
- [Police Officer] Shut
the joint down, boys.
Everyone's under arrest.
- Hey chief, get a load of this.
- Jimmy did it, I seen him.
[laughs]
- What a crew, this calls
for some shrewd police work.
Okay you guys, what's
the deal with the bones?
- I don't know, I just stole
the car from the widow's place.
- You just made your
first mistake, Spencer.
[dramatic music]
[shouting]
You know it's gonna be a pleasure
bringing your murderous
confederacy of scum to justice!
[dramatic music]
- [Narrator] Kevin started to notice
that the widow was acting
stranger every day.
- Hey! Hey!
Hey, come here right now!
I can see ya, you ain't fooling anybody.
- [Narrator] He thought it was probably
because she wasn't getting her medication.
- Communists, Communists
and h*m* hippies.
They're all trying to steal the corn
out of my vegetable garden.
Stocking up for their revolution.
[g*nshots firing]
- [Narrator] Kevin
decided that maybe working
for the widow Coleson wasn't
as much fun as he thought,
even counting the free drugs.
He told the widow he was done
and that he was never coming back,
because she was insane and frightened him.
- Good, now I can email
my late husband Herman.
Finally he'll tell me what I should do.
It can be like the old days
when I didn't have to think
for myself all the time.
Always thinking.
[g*nsh*t fires]
Thinking!
[g*nshots firing]
- [Narrator] Kevin left just in time
to watch the police come
and arrest the old woman
under suspicion of manslaughter.
It was quite a day.
[zapping]
[shouting]
[teeth chattering]
[energetic music]
- No, I don't want any more
of your drugs, you idiot!
You've been selling me estrogen.
They're hormone replacement
pills for postmenopausal women.
Now I've got breasts like Pamela Anderson.
When I get my hand on you, Spencer!
- Kevin told Beau he
didn't have any hands.
Then he laughed at him and left.
[slow rock music]
[dramatic music]
- Welcome to Court
Television, the game show!
With your host, Judge Anderson.
- It's time to play...
- [Audience] Let's make a plea bargain!
- Let's meet today's contestants.
- Our first defendant is a pawn shop owner
who likes long walks and quiet times.
Here's Jimmy.
Our next defendant is a decrepit old widow
with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
Widow Coleson.
[audience cheering]
Our newcomer contestant
is an auto mechanic
who says he likes his justice
the way he likes his women,
bold and brassy. [laughs]
Auto mechanic Butch Crankhammer.
[audience cheering]
And our final player is a welfare case
who says his favorite
hobby is drinking himself
to the point that his
wife looks good again,
Percy Spencer.
[audience cheering]
- Okay Jimmy, you won the toss.
You've been charged
with criminal pandering.
What ya gonna do?
- I'll take plea bargain for 200, Alex.
I mean, Your Honor.
I get immunity and I'll
testify against the mechanic
for running a chop shop for stolen cars.
[audience booing]
- I want a plea bargain.
That Percy Spencer guy
is the one who brought in a stolen car.
I'll testify for immunity.
[audience cheering]
- Are you f*ck' doolie?
[audience booing]
- Stolen car, huh?
Okay, it's a deal!
[bright music]
[audience applauding]
Percy Spencer,
you are going down for grand theft auto
unless you can...
- [Audience] Make a plea bargain!
- I'll testify about the body
in the old woman's car for immunity.
- Okay, you can take immunity
or what's behind door number two?
[audience shouting]
- Door number two, door number two!
[audience cheering]
- Okay Percy, behind door
number two is a pack of
rabid raccoons.
[audience cheering]
- I'm not a criminal, General.
- So you deny k*lling the person
whose unidentified remains
were discovered in the trunk of your car?
Perhaps this will refresh your memory.
[shouting]
- Oh my god, it's Herman!
What are you doing with Herman?
- Who's Herman?
[crying]
- Herman's my husband.
When he died, he wanted to be buried
with the thing he loved most,
his vintage Model T Ford.
- But the car was still in your garage.
- Hey, I had to use that car for chores.
Okay, so I never got around to burying it,
what are you gonna do?
Put a helpless old widow in
jail for being forgetful?
[cell door slams]
[Percy laughs]
- They threw your old a*s in the slammer.
- You Honor, we have one
more case before the court.
Defendant Kevin Spencer
stands charged with vandalism.
[audience booing]
- And so Jimmy and the
mechanic were free to go.
Widow Coleson got three
months for criminal neglect,
but it was reduced to time served
with psychiatric observation.
- What does this ink
blot look like to you?
- Like the last X-ray
they did on my colon.
- [Announcer] And now some previews
of next week's exciting episode.
- What do you mean, 17?
- I thought he was reaching for a g*n.
From where I was standing,
it looked like he had arms.
- [Beau] I can give you
the name of my dealer.
- Turn off the TV.
I don't feel right doing
it in front of the boy.
[heavy rock music]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ His head don't work and never did ♪
[bleep]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath ♪
- [Lille] Communists, Communists
and h*m* hippies.
[light music]
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