02x07 - The Crime Fighting vag*na

[bunniefuu]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ I don't like ya, never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin',
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[soft music]

[soft music]

- Oh that's right, come to papa.

[bushes rustling]

[dramatic music]

[breathing heavily]

- All's you gotta do is sign
here to file the complaint

and we'll go ahead and arrest him.

- [Male Officer] This Spencer fella,

is he a minority of any kind?

- No.

[sighing]
- Oh well,

you can't win 'em all.

- He's poor and fat, does that count?

- Better than nothin' I guess.

[soft music]

- [Woman On Intercom] Doctor Forest dial


please dial one, one, eight.

- The X-Rays validate what
was my cursory opinion

Mr. Spencer in that the physical signs

all substantiate my original contention

that you were the victim
of another as*ault

upon your pulmonary system,
specifically you're heart.

One more like than you will may

be leaving this mortal coil.

Any questions?

- Why don't you speak
english you f*cking tool?

[dramatic music]
- You're a fat, drunk b*stard.

And if you don't quit drinking, smoking

and eating so much, you are
going to get more bloated

and diseased until you die.

Is that plain enough
english for you simpleton?

- Jeez he told you.

What the hell were you
doin' runnin' around anyway?

- I was stealing the Benson's newspaper.

- What for?

- I wanted to look at the Want Ads.

The government's cuttin' off my welfare.

Sons of b*tches is makin' me get a job.

- You aint got no job skills idiot.

- Shut up and give me a smoke.

- I smoked my last one
comin' up on the elevator.

- Give me a smoke boy.

Hey boy, give me a smoke!

Jesus A*DS, run down to the
store and get daddy a pack.

[soft upbeat music]

He don't talk much eh?

Well we've got some time to k*ll

before Broken-Head gets back.

You wanna tear off a quick one?

- As long as you don't
mind me closin' my eyes

and pretendin' you're someone else.

[chuckling]
- Yeah like I'll be

thinkin' of you.

[laughing]

- You havin' a job.

That's a good one.
[laughing]

[upbeat music]

[sobbing]

[inhaling]

[exhaling]

[sobbing]

[metal clanking]

[disappointing music]

- Oh that's just perfect.

Hurry up and help me get this liver back

in the cooler before someone sees it.

- [Narrator] Normally Kevin wasn't much

for helping out other people, but this was

one of the few opportunities he'd figured

he'd ever have to touch someone's insides

without committing a felony.

[rat squeaking]

- Hey son a b*tch rats!

Oh well.

I'll just go down to the
morgue and get another one.

- [Narrator] Kevin only
knew a little bit about

organ transplant surgery
but he was pretty sure

that just taking any old
liver from the morgue

wasn't going to work.

- Of course it aint gonna work.

But the doctors who
sent it are gonna blame

the doctors who put it in for not knowin'

their a*s from a hole in the ground.

And the doctor's who put
it in are gonna blame

the doctor's who sent it for not knowin'

sh*t from shanola.

I walk away clean.

- She's the perfect woman lunatic.

I think you should ask her to marry you.

You've got a lot to offer a woman, Kevin.

- [Narrator] Kevin thought
his imaginary friend Allan

made a lot of sense.

So he got down on one knee and proposed.

[laughing]

- Go screw yourself Romeo.

[laughing]

- Jesus you're gullible.

Light a cigarette moron.

Allan needs nicotine.

- [Narrator] Since the
whole marriage thing

didn't look like it was going to pan out,

Kevin figured he'd see if she'd just sneak

him into the morgue instead.

- Interested in science are ya?

Ha, what the hell, it's
no skin off my back.

I can't say the same for that guy

that was in the motorcycle
accident though.

[snorting and laughing]

[upbeat music]

- Dear god!

- Yeah!



thing I've ever seen.

- [Police Woman] You're
under arrest for as*ault.

- Hey I wasn't done.

- We don't want any trouble lady.

- I don't give a sh*t who, but somebody's

gonna finish me off or I
gonna tear this place apart!

[dramatic music]

- Hit the lights will ya?

- You got it man.

[screaming]

- Ah it's just some kid.

What the hell are you
doin', ya little freak?

- [Narrator] Kevin hadn't
figured on getting caught.

Fortunately, his years of drifting

in and out of mental institutions

and juvenile detention
centers had taught him

that if you do get caught doing something,

you should just remain
stone faced and calm

and stare people down without blinking.

If you stare at people long
enough, they get pretty scared.

Especially if you have a
history of being violent

and insane and aren't thinking straight

from all the cough syrup and paint.

Which for Kevin, was pretty
much any day of the week.

[soft dramatic music]

[eerie music]

[soft dramatic music]

[screaming]

[g*n firing]

- That's better.

My name is Mr. White, I
run this hospital now.

If you cooperate and do what you are told,

you will all be released unharmed.

If you decide not to
cooperate or try to play hero,

this will happen to you.

[g*n firing]
- Son of a b*tch!

- Any questions?

Mr. Blue Coat?

- Do you only sh**t people in the knees?

- Yes, why do you ask?

- No reason.

- Remain calm and this will
all be over soon enough.

- You son of a b*tches get all the breaks.

[upbeat music]

[elevator dinging]

- Uh oh.

- Try the emergency phone.

- Look out, rat.

[g*n firing]

- Nice shot.

- That's nothing, wait til I reload.

- [Woman On Walkie-Talkie]
All units, all units.

- Hang on a minute.

- [Woman On Walkie-Talkie]
All units, we have a 22-8

in progress at the City View Hospital.

I repeat a 22-8 in progress
at the City View Hospital.

- What's a 22-8?

- Beats me.

- That's an armed takeover
and hostage situation

with more than one assailant.

I've done four years for
that back in the 70s.

- I don't like the sounds of that.

- I'll say.

Come on, let's pop the hatch.

We'll take the ladder up to the roof,

the SWAT team will have
a chopper up there.

- [Kevin] What about me?

- What about ya?

- Aint no way my fat gut's
gonna fit through that door.

- Well then I guess
you're sh*t out of luck

ya fat drunk.
[laughing]

- [Percy] Help me.

Help I'm trapped in the elevator.

And I'm outta smokes.

- [Narrator] Speakin'
of smokes, Kevin thought

he was in heaven.

It was only the property room where all

the personal belongings from
the dead people was stored

but if there was a
heaven, Kevin sure hoped

it was just like this.

[soft dramatic music]

- Christ, you again!

You scared the sweet holy hell
out of me ya little b*stard.

Good, you got smokes.

[dramatic music]

Some assholes are shootin' the place up

and takin' hostages, I'm
holdin' up until they're done.

Screw the wounded, that's my motto.

Yeah, thumbs up to you too,
you spooky little b*stard.

[dramatic music]

- Yeah, well what if we don't?

[mumbling]

[screaming]
- My knee!

[screaming]

- Did you just sh**t a guy
and throw him out the window?

- Yes.

- He means business boys.

Okay, we'll play by your rules for now.

What do you want?

- Five million dollars
in untraceable bills,

a helicopter and enough fuel

to get me to a country
without an extradition treaty.

What?

Just a minute.

And some wh*res.

- Give me a couple of hours.

Son of a b*tch.

Which one of you insubordinate b*stards

took the last jelly?

[g*n firing]

[metal clanking]

[groaning]

- Some of a b*tch.

Hello?

I'm stuck in a elevator.

I'm havin' a heart attack.

Come and help me.

Bring smokes.

Don't forget the smokes.

[dramatic music]

[Sobbing]

- Next.

Hey you!

[glass breaking]
[screaming]

[g*ns firing]
- Hold your fire!

Civilian!

Cease fire!

Civilian!

Attention please, this
is your captain speaking.

Get that body out of here
and nobody saw nothing.

- I just talked to the brass upstairs.

They're not going to release the money.

- Damn it, don't they
know this is a hospital,

not some rundown ghetto
highways full of minorities.

We can't just go in there sh**ting.

- Didn't you get the memo?

It matter who's inside.

We're not allowed to open
fire without provocation.

- Jesus Christ they're handcuffing us!

How the hell are we
supposed to do our job?

- So now what?

- I don't know, I'm all out of ideas.

- I could try talking him out.

- Yeah sure, I don't care.

Sounds good.

Do whatever the hell you want.

I'll be in my car.

[g*n firing]

- Ow!

Watch what you're doing grandpa.

- Hey!

Show some respect rookie.

That man was giving p*stol whippings

to African Canadians back when they

were still called Negros.

- Jeez I'm sorry, I didn't mean nothin'.

- You're g*dd*mn right you're sorry.

Now go get a 40 ouncer
of whiskey, some wh*res

and a phone that works.

It's gonna be a long night.

- wh*res?

I thought we weren't gonna
negotiate with these guys?

- The wh*res are for me.

I'm under a lot of stress.

Now get going.

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] Kevin was having a lot of fun

hiding out with the nurse.

He was also in love with
her because she was pretty

and because she swore a lot and had a key

to the drug cabinet.

- Kevin!

Oh Kevin!

Come out, come out wherever you are.

Kevin!

Kevin!

Focus idiot boy.

She's really pretty
Kevin and you know what

that means don't you?

It means she aint never gonna give

an itinerate little freak
like you the time of day

so ax the wedding plans right now.

Now, since she aint gonna marry you,

it don't matter none what she think of you

or if you have a job.

So how's about taking her drug key

so you and me can get some head candy?

The key boy, the key!

Take the g*dd*mn key, you
broken-headed little freak!

- [Male Officer] Okay double or nothin'.

- Tell you what, I get three shots,

double or nothin' for gettin' it in

and an extra 50 bucks if
I get it through the hole

and hit him in the head, deal?

- Deal.

- Is someone there?

I need a doctor and smokes.

Ow, son of a b*tch.

[laughing]

- Okay one nothin'.

This time I got 50 bucks says I can split

the fat b*stards head open with this

can of drain cleaner.

- I'm in.

- [Man On Radio] Unit


- Sh.

This is unit 429, over.

- Where the hell are you guys?

I've been trying to reach
you for over an hour.

- We're still jammed up
in the elevator shaft.

- What floor are you trapped on?

We'll send some guys in to help you out.

- Nah don't worry about it chief,

we're making good progress.

We'll be out in no time.

- Five, 10 minutes tops.

We'll call and let you
know as soon as we're free.

- See that you do.

We could use every free
hand that we've got.

- Yeah, we'll get right on to that chief.

[laughing]

[kazoo whistling]

- Ah my head!
[laughing]

- Nice shot!

Well maybe we should get going.

- Hey, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

- What?

Oh yeah.
[chuckling]

[dramatic music]

- Wait for it.

[laughing]

[screaming]

[soft dramatic music]

[electricity whirring]

- That'll teach ya to
stay outta my business

stupid g*dd*mn heart.

God, you spared me and
I aint gonna forget it.

From now on I promise I'll...

Hey what you got there boy?

I know you got drugs and
smokes you son of a b*tch.

[upbeat music]

- You don't have more time.

Either I get what I asked for in the next

five minutes or this place is gonna look

like a Chinese embassy after
the Americans have hit town.

- Stupid game.

[g*n firing]

[laughing]
- Hey.

Hey!

- What's doin' chief?

- Hold your g*dd*mn fire
you bunch of useless idiots.

And you, I don't see the wh*res yet.

And until I do I don't want to see you

standing around playing no video games.

Now about this whole hostage thing,

anyone got any ideas?

- How's about we get into position

to look good for the news cameras

and just kind of let things play out

and see what happens.

- You're fast tracking
your way to detective son.

Now, who's got a gum?

[woman screaming in the distance]

- Daddy just wants to talk boy.

You can keep the drugs and smokes.

[dramatic music]

Come out, come out wherever you are.

Son of a b*tch.

Victory is mine!

Give daddy the drugs and smokes boy

and we'll walk outta here all right.

- Hey piss tank!

- Oh Jesus.

- Hey it's time to
finish what you started,

ya useless fat b*stard.

- Oh cripes, where's Charlie
Plump when you need him?

Let's go boy.

You don't wanna get in her
way when she's in a mood.

[soft dramatic music]

Quick boy, in here.

Sh.

- Who the hell are you?

- Quiet, she'll hear you.

- Shut up you fat slob!

I don't take orders from you mister.

- I'm through with the foreplay fatty.

Mama needs some lovin'.

- sh**t me, dear god, sh**t me.

- What the hell's going on?

- All right I got me a buffet.

Who's first?

- And that's why this
reporter doesn't trust

the dutch and never will.

And finally on the lighter
side of today's news,

police and city officials are crediting

a local woman's libido with
ending an armed standoff

between police and a group of t*rrorists

at a local hospital.

We go live to the scene with
Ramona Delohoya Fuente Giovanni

our pretty ethnic woman in the field.

- That's right Steve, a libido.

And police are calling it a miracle.

I am here with the hero of
the hour, Anastasia Spencer,

her husband Percy and their son Kevin,

whom I'm sure you will all recognize

from our weekly crime stoppers videos.

Well let's get right to the point.

Did you ever in your wildest dreams

think your vag*na would
thwart an international

incident and save so many lives?

[machine beeping]

[machine buzzing]

- A crime fighting p*ssy?

Get Spelling on the
phone, I smell an Emmy!

[soft dramatic music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

- [Percy] Help me.

Help I'm trapped in the elevator.

And I'm outta smokes.