[rock music]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a chain-smoking,
alcoholic sociopath, sociopath ♪
[rat squeaking]
[dramatic music]
- Ya got the stuff?
- Just like I promised,
handheld m*ssile launchers.
- Let's see it.
- Not until I see the money.
I got strict orders.
- That guy there is Skinny Lou.
Me and him got a deal.
I let him move his g*ns
through here on my watch,
and he throws a few hundred
bucks my way every week.
I figure who is it gonna hurt, right?
I mean the government lets
licensed dealers sell g*ns, right?
So, it's not like you
can't get a g*n anyway.
They just make it ill*gal
for unlicensed dealers to sell g*ns,
because they don't get to
collect any taxes on those,
and that pisses them off,
because they need the tax money
to make their monthly
payments to the aliens,
because if they don't, then kapow!
The whole planet gets
blown to smithereens.
Oh geez, here comes Lou.
Get the hell out of here, Kevin.
Use the back door.
Hey, Lou, how's it going?
- [Narrator] Kevin had never
been on a big boat before,
and he was curious about
what it would be like.
He was also curious
about what kind of things
you could steal off a big boat.
[council members chattering]
- Attention please, attention.
I'd like to call to order
this emergency meeting of
the neighborhood council.
- As you know, we've been
circulating the petition
to try and get the Spencer family.
Now, while I would like to
thank everyone for signing it,
I must also point out that
my lawyer has advised me
we can't have the Spencer's
kicked out of the neighborhood
just because we don't like them.
- I don't want to come off
as some knee-jerk elitist,
but if we can't have them thrown out,
then maybe it's time
we just excepted the
facts of the situation,
and hire someone to k*ll them.
[council members applauding]
- As much as we'd all like to k*ll them,
I don't think we can, Steven.
- Hi, everyone, I'm Steven
Dobbs, the Benson's attorney.
Jane's right, you can't just k*ll them.
That is against the law.
- Even if they're poor and stupid?
- And don't keep their yard up?
- Even though.
- God damn liberals.
- Now everyone, let's not all start acting
like a bunch of tradesmen.
Let's hear Steven out.
[Percy grunts]
- See you in a couple of months, loser.
[crickets chirping]
- I knew the boy was too stupid
to remember to come and get me.
Little b*stard, just wait
till I get my hands on him.
- [Narrator] The whole
stealing plan hadn't worked out
as well as Kevin had hoped,
mostly because he found some
booze and gotten so loaded
that he passed out cold.
- In here, boys.
[dramatic music]
Now let's hurry up,
and get them crates loaded onto the truck.
- Sure thing, boss.
[forklift humming]
- [Narrator] Kevin wasn't
sure what was happening.
He thought maybe his imaginary friend,
Allen the Magic Goose,
might be able to help, but he was wrong.
- Leave me alone, you psychotic
little freak, I'm busy.
[dramatic music]
- Oh, sweet Jesus, please
stop and give me a ride.
Kiss my a*s, you sons of b*tches.
[dramatic music]
[glass crashing]
[tires screeching]
Uh oh!
[dramatic music]
[Percy gasping]
[g*ns firing]
- You think we got him, puddin'?
- I don't reckon.
Let's just hope Mr. Heston
don't hear about this.
That's all I got to say.
Come on, let's go find us
one of them Oriental buffet houses.
Big Daddy's got a hunger on.
Ignorant Canadians!
[birds chirping]
[dramatic music]
[Percy groans]
- Jesus H, what a day I'm having.
[dramatic music]
[Percy gasping]
[Percy screaming]
[Percy grunting]
That was close.
[dramatic music]
Uh oh.
[lively music]
- Who the, who the hell are you?
- Are you Anastasia Spencer?
- [Anastasia] Yeah.
- You're being served.
- Served what?
- Papers, you're being sued.
[lounge music]
- Ew!
- My husband's in jail.
You wanna come in for a drink maybe?
- God, no.
- Then piss off!
- [Officer] Bite me, you ditch pig.
- [Charlie] [burps]
whatcha got there, sweetie?
- I'm being sued.
- What for?
- Looks like they figure we're
lowing the property value,
because we don't keep the yard up,
and because cops is always here
arresting Percy or the boy.
- That's a lot of lawsuit.
What're you gonna do?
- I'll bet it's those son of
a b*tch Benson's behind it.
They've always had it in for me and Percy.
They're jealous of our love,
and the way we sometimes expresses it
in the backyard after we've had a few.
Ha ha, oh, sorry, Charlie.
I know you don't like me talking about
banging my husband in front of you.
- I'm still better though, eh?
- Baby, you're one of the
best I've had in years.
- I find that drinking
helps me last longer.
- [laughs] Gotta be more to it than that,
otherwise, Percy's last forever.
as*h*le Benson's, well, they're
now looking for a fight,
and they damn well gonna get one.
I got a feeling the unwelcome wagon's
gonna be paying them a visit real soon.
[dramatic music]
- State your business, trespasser.
- I just got out of the joint.
My as*h*le kid and fat
wife forgot to pick me up,
so's I was walking home.
Then this other son of a
b*tch in a car blew me off,
so's I busted out his back window.
Then the b*stard chased me in
the woods, tried to sh**t me.
- State your name and the
reason for your incarceration.
- Percy Spencer, DWI,
driving without a license,
grand theft auto, resisting
arrest, running a red light,
improper lane change, and solicitation.
- You were involved in a high speed chase,
and you stopped to try
and pick up a prost*tute.
- And I offered one of the cops 30 bucks
if she banged me in
the back of the cruiser
on the way back to the police station.
That's how I got this scar.
- [Man] Ooh!
- Just a minute, prisoner Spencer.
[dramatic music]
You sound like our kind of people, Percy.
You wanna join our militia?
- Sure.
[dramatic music]
Hey, any of you guys got smokes?
- Over by the keg, follow me.
[dramatic music]
This here's Brad Palmer, Sergeant at Arms.
Lucas Vertz, Treasurer.
Arnold Vitner, Communications.
And last, but not least, Derek Melcher,
who takes care of the
cooking and beverages,
and me, I'm Hank Weatherman,
I run this outfit.
- We're not gonna lie to ya, Percy.
- Yeah, we ain't the government.
- You tell it, brother.
- Things could get outta control.
- Just like big brother looking
over your shoulder, man.
- Amen, brother.
- What the guys are trying to say
is that no noble cause
is achieved without risk.
- Don't do the crime if
you can't do the time,
and if you ain't willing
to drop your pants in a public washroom
and take one for the Regiment of Doom,
then you're not our kind of people.
I, I, I mean the government sucks.
- Oh yeah!
- [Derek] You said it!
- Right on, yeah!
- [Derek] Right on!
- So, what do you say, Percy?
You got the stomach for it?
- [gulping] You guys have
a keg at every meeting?
- Oh, yeah.
- Then you can count me in.
[men chattering]
- Well, it's getting a bit late in the day
to accomplish to much.
I think it would make more sense
to start fresh in the morning.
I make a motion that
we adjourn the meeting,
and go into town and get some wh*res.
- Is this heaven?
- Therefore, it is my opinion
that the community would be best served
by the implementation of
a strict code of conduct
that smashes the fist of assimilation
right into the ignorant faces
of those who defy what we define is right.
I further suggest that those
who don't adhere to the code
be forcibly exiled to a community
better suited to their poorness.
No wait, ah, ah, I mean
ethnicity [chuckles].
No wait, I mean, ah hell,
you know what I mean.
[clears throat] Thank you.
[audience applauding]
- Thank you, Mr. Jackson.
Now on the rebuttal side we have,
well, it would appear
there's only one person
that wishes to offer a
rebuttal, Mrs. Spencer.
[dramatic music]
- This here's a free country,
so if you don't like
the way my yard looks,
tough sh*t and kiss my fat a*s,
'cause it ain't changing,
accept that it'll probably get worse.
- Mrs. Spencer, I will not
tolerate off-color language.
- Up yours, hypocrite.
You don't seem to mind
the dirty talk so much
when you're putting the blocks to me.
[council members jeer]
- Jesus, him too?
I'm starting to think our
love doesn't mean nothing.
- Well, we've heard from all sides.
We'll make our decision
soon, meeting adjourned.
[audience applauding]
[ducks quacking]
[mellow music]
[bear growls]
- And cut, tranquilize the bear,
and get him back in the cage.
Fox TV's sh**ting an episode
of When Animals Attack,
and they need to end before
the public beach closes.
[speaking in foreign language]
That's some good bear attacking.
Say, there's some talent.
Maybe they'd like to be in my next movie.
[mellow music]
[horn blowing]
- Keep it the Christ down.
Some of us are trying to sleep.
- [Narrator] Percy wasn't too happy
about being woken up before noon,
but he figured since he was up anyway,
he might just as well see
if he couldn't find
some more booze to drink
before the other guys got
up and forced him to share.
[horn blowing]
[dramatic music]
- Right on time.
Up and at 'em, boys.
- Good to see ya, Hank.
- This here's our newest
member, Percy Spencer.
- How's it going?
- I got everything you ordered,
except for the plastic expl*sives,
but I got a rain check for them though.
- Well, let's have a look.
Open up the cases, boys.
[dramatic music]
- Hey, hey, hey, I want a g*n too.
I want a g*n too.
- Hang on a minute, nobody move.
That crate's smoking.
I make a motion that the new guy
has to open it as part of his initiation.
- [All] I second it!
[dramatic music]
- Hey boy, you got any smokes?
It's okay, fellas, it's just my dumb boy.
- Take a g*n, kid.
We're gonna overthrow the government.
- [Narrator] Kevin was pretty excited.
He'd always wanted to
overthrow the government
in a violent coup,
so he could seize power of the country
and rule with an iron fist.
[dramatic music]
[crowd cheering]
- Hey, idiot boy, you got any smokes?
- You ain't gotta take
that in your kingdom, boy.
I think it's high time you learned
that son of a b*tch a thing or two.
[dramatic music]
[Percy screaming]
- All right, troops, gather around.
It's time we got down to business.
First things first.
Let's pick us a target to blow up.
[dramatic music]
[birds chirping]
- Up yours, prick.
- Personally, I don't
give a damn what you do.
All I'm saying is by the
terms of the court order,
you've got 10 days to
get rid of all this crap,
or the city will appoint
someone to do it for you,
and stick you with the bill.
- Be my guest, as*h*le.
I just won't pay the bill.
- Then we'll come and arrest you.
- Jesus H, you can't arrest me.
I got a son to raise.
He needs me.
- Where's the boy at now?
- I don't know.
I ain't seen him for a few days.
- [Officer] Just clean
up your damn lawn, lady,
then all of this will be over.
- I don't see how anyone's
got the right to tell me
what I can do with my own property.
- We don't make the laws.
If you got a problem with it, lady,
take it up with the city.
- Yeah, take it up with the city.
- Maybe I will!
- Yeah, you do that.
- Don't you think I won't.
- We're cops, lady.
We're not paid to think.
Come on, Bill,
let's go threaten some
prostit*tes with arrest
so they'll have sex with us.
- You didn't hear that.
Stupid rookie!
[dramatic music]
- Now what?
- Now if they don't clean up their yard,
they'll get a fine.
- But even if they do clean it up,
they'll still be living there.
It won't solve anything.
- Well, there's always plan B.
- We're listening.
- I represented a man a few years ago who,
how can I put this, who's
an exterminator of sorts.
- You mean a hit man?
- Yes.
- Correct me if I'm wrong,
but aren't you breaking the law
by suggesting we hire a hit man,
and by providing us the information,
so we can contact him?
- I'm a lawyer, pal.
Your laws don't concern me.
- This man, does he have a name?
- Jane, we can't.
- They're poor, Arthur, and
they have drinking problems.
Is k*lling them really so wrong?
- Well, since you put it that
way, no, I guess it isn't.
- Good, the guy you wanna talk
to is Hank, Hank Weatherman.
[dramatic music]
[Hank murmuring]
- I oughta get me one
of them cellular phones.
I bet I miss a lot of important calls.
- Attention, attention,
gather around, men!
Providence is upon us, gentleman.
I've go the perfect plan
that allows us to k*ll
two birds with one stone
and make $10,000.00 in the process.
Money that we can funnel
back into the cause
for more weapons and kegs.
- Don't forget the wh*res.
- Oh yeah, and wh*res.
Let's load up, boys.
I'll fill you in on the way.
[dramatic music]
[whimsical music]
[mailman moans]
- Get your a*s outta bed, Charlie.
Welfare's in and you
gotta pretend to be Percy,
so we can cash his check and get hammered.
- Hey, you remember where I left my pants?
They's in the backyard,
right where we started.
Now hurry the Christ up!
I ain't had my morning liquor.
[dramatic music]
- So here's the deal.
I got a client who wants
me to whack this broad
that's been ruining her neighborhood.
- Geez, I didn't know you
guys were hired K*llers too.
- Is that a problem?
- No, I just didn't know is all.
Hey, Lucas, you got any smokes?
The boy's out.
- Don't you never buy none of your own?
- I just got out of the joint.
I had to give all my
smokes to my cellmate,
so he'd quit having his
way with me sexually.
Then I run outta smokes,
so I started doing it
with him to get some back.
Then he got paroled,
so I started doing it
with my new cellmate,
till I found out he didn't smoke.
- Both of you shut up.
We're almost there.
Here's the plan.
My sources tell me the woman
cashes her welfare check
first thing every second
Wednesday morning,
then she heads straight
for the liquor store.
- Sounds like my kinda girl.
- So, are we gonna take her out
on the way to the liquor store?
- Nah, we're going to do one better.
The government makes millions of dollars
a year taxing liquor.
I say we hit them in the pocketbook.
We'll wait until this
Anastasia Spencer lady
is in the liquor store,
then we'll blow the whole
damn building to kingdom come.
[dramatic music]
Okay, guys, get the handheld
m*ssile launchers ready
and wait for my command.
Arnold, when I give the signal,
you slide the side door
open, then hit the ground,
and roll under the van for cover.
Lucas and Percy, as
soon as the doors open,
count to five, let Arnold get clear,
then blast away, one shot each.
As soon as the shots are fired,
get out from under the van and get in.
I'll drive away.
Yes, Percy?
- Liquor store don't open
for another 20 minutes.
I gotta take a leak, so does the boy.
- God damn it, can't it wait?
- You don't know my boy.
- All right, but hurry the hell up.
If you're not back,
we're leaving you here.
[dramatic music]
- I never thought I'd be saying this,
but I'm calling the cops,
and turning them sons of b*tches in.
- [Narrator] Kevin was really surprised.
He was also kind of happy.
Leastwise as close to
happy as he could get,
considering how screwed up his head was.
Helping the police went against
everything Percy believed in,
so that could only mean
that Percy really loved
Kevin's mom after all,
and didn't wanna see her get hurt.
[dramatic music]
- Here they come, boys.
[dramatic music]
[sirens wailing]
- We have you surrounded!
Come out with your hands
where we can see them!
[dramatic music]
- I wonder what that's all about?
- Uh oh.
- What?
[dramatic music]
- You been keeping time
with my old lady, Plunt?
- No, we just bumped into
each other, duh, that's all.
It ain't what it looks like.
[glass crashing]
- I'm keeping the booze, you prick.
- Hey, where'd you find the boy?
- In a crate full of g*ns.
- Hey, Percy, this ain't over!
You're on my list!
- Kiss my a*s, you son of a b*tch!
- What the hell's that all about?
- Me and the boy was in their militia.
They were gonna blow up he
liquor store and k*ll you,
so's I turned them in.
- Oh, Jesus, Percy, you still love me.
- I suppose, not half as much
as I love having this liquor
store so close to home.
- Crate of g*ns, eh?
Damn it, he's stupid.
- Yeah, but he's always got smokes.
[whimsical music]
[rock music]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a chain-smoking,
alcoholic sociopath, sociopath ♪
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