01x13 - Keep the Home Fires Burning

[bunniefuu]

[lighthearted bell music]

[zapping]

[yelling]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[bars clanging]

[light upbeat music]

- [Narrator] Kevin was
enjoying some quiet time

in solitary confinement

because he'd gotten a little too curious

about what would happen if
you light a can of hairspray

with a butane lighter and
pointed it at one of the guards.

Kevin found out that
you got hit pretty hard

with a nightstick and
had to spend a long time

in solitary confinement.

Which was pretty much what
he expected to happen,

since that was what happened
last time he did it.

Mr. Franklin, the prison psychiatrist,

came to see Kevin in his cell.

- Now Kevin, it would seem
your fascination with fire

has increased in the last little while.

I'm curious as to it's origins.

Perhaps there was an event
during your childhood

associated with it that
you'd like to discuss.

[thoughtful music]

[groaning]

- You've got your butane, your kerosene,

and your good ol' gasoline.

Now technically speaking,

you're supposed to use the butane,

but in a pinch the other two'll do.

- [Narrator] Kevin was nine years old

and his old man was teaching him

how to refuel and flint a lighter

so he wouldn't have to
get off his fat lazy a*s

and do it himself.

That was the kind of thing that made sense

to Kevin's dad because it left him more

free time for drinking
and because as parents go,

he wasn't a very good one.

- [Kevin's Dad] Clock's ticking boy.

[clock ticking]

- [Narrator] Kevin was trying
really hard to do a good job,

but he was nervous.

He'd never used a lighter before,

because he usually lit his
one smokes off the stove.

He was also pretty hungover

and had a bad case of the shakes.

And that sure wasn't helping.

[exploding]

- That ain't right idiot.

You best keep practicin'.

- [Narrator] From that day forward,

Kevin decided he'd try extra hard

to learn how to work the lighter.

He didn't much give a damn [exploding]

about sparking up smokes for his old man,

but he'd sure liked that
expl*si*n [exploding]

and Kevin wanted to learn
how to make explosions

[glass breaking]

happen on purpose instead
of just by accident.

Kevin decided he'd go to the library

and learn everything he could
about fire and pyrotechnics.

[cheerful music]

- [Narrator] Kevin had never
been in a library before,

and he was really amazed
that someone had written

so many books.

It was pretty confusing,

and he didn't know where to start looking.

He recognized some of
the kids from his school

and decided to ask them for help.

- Haven't you ever heard of
the Dewey Decimal System?

- You have to be able to read to use that

and everybody knows Kevin can't read.

- Didn't your parents ever
teach you how to read?

- My dad's a doctor.

- Both my parents have PhDs
and have written articles

for the most respected
literary journals in the world.

- My mom won the Nobel Peace Prize

for her work in biophysics.

- [Narrator] Kevin
really wanted to fit in,

so he told the other kids that
his family held the record

for the number of consecutive generations

of a single family to be on welfare.

He figured that oughta
straighten things out.

The other kids all laughed.

[laughing]

Kevin started to laugh along with them,

then he realized they were
just making fun of him.

That was the day the other kids learned

that Kevin's family had
a pretty long history

of street fighting as well.

- Children, children, that's enough.

Now either you all behave and get along

or your library privileges
will be indefinitely suspended.

Now what's the problem?

- [Narrator] Kevin told the librarian

that he was trying to find some books

about fire and explosions.

The librarian thought it was wonderful

that Kevin was so interested in science.

Mostly because she was used
to dealing with smart kids

and not ones who were
sociopathically insane.

[exploding]

And because of this,

it was beyond the comprehension
of her life experience

[exploding]

to envision that a child as young as Kevin

was interested in explosions

[exploding]

because he one day hoped to grow up

and destroy many of the good things

[exploding]

civilization had built over the years.

Along with a lot of the
people who built them.

[exploding]

- The creation of the Dewey Decimal System

is the single greatest event
in the history of mankind

and will only be outdone
by the return of Christ.

Now, you're interested in expl*sives?

[playful music]

- [Narrator] Kevin had a hard
time making sense of the books

because they were written for people

who had a strong background
in science and who could read.

Lucky for Kevin, though,

most of them came with pictures.

Kevin took the next
couple of weeks off school

and studied as hard as he could.

[upbeat music]

- Just fill a cardboard
box full of gasoline

and set a match to it.

I promise you it'll blow up.

Now how's about giving your old pal Allen

some liquor and nicotine?

I'm in a hurtin' way.

- What in the name of
Christ are you doing boy?

- Aw hell, he's reading!

If Charlie and Phil find about this

they ain't never gonna
let me live it down.

- Shut your cakehole, idiot.

Maybe he's gonna be the first Spencer

to get his high school.

- Alls I'm sayin' is they
better be porn books,

otherwise he's goin' fruity.

And I ain't havin' no son of mine

readin' no books and goin' fruity.

Come on boy, put them books down.

Daddy'll take you downtown for a wh*re.

- I don't mind one for the boy,

but even think about
gettin' one for yourself.

- I wouldn't have to if you'd drop a few.

- How's about I drop a few knuckles

down your effin' throat?

- I ain't afraid of you, Tubby.

[groans]

f*cking do.

You see what trouble books cause boy?

[groans]

- [Narrator] Kevin's first b*mb worked out

better than he'd expected.

[exploding]

Hunting with expl*sives
was a whole lot easier

than using g*ns.

[squishing]

The deer's head was stuck on so tight

that Kevin couldn't get it off.

He figured he'd just have to go back home

and hope his parents were
still sober enough to help him.

Kevin finally made it back to his house.

He was really relieved

because he was getting pretty sick

of having the head of a
wild animal stuck over his

because it made it really
hard to smoke and drink.

- You don't know jack squat, idiot.

- Alls I'm sayin' is there ain't no way

Planet of the Apes was
based on a true story.

I been to the zoo once

and ain't none of the effin' apes talk.

- Jesus H okay, so it was all made up.

I don't know nothin' 'bout apes.

- Get out of the way, Ma.

[suspenseful music]

[g*n blasting]

- Your son's very lucky to be alive,

but what I want to know

is just how exactly this all happened.

- [Narrator] Kevin told the doctor

all about wanting to make things blow up,

about the library, and
the deer, and everything.

The doctor was pretty horrified,

especially because Kevin's parents

thought it was one of the
funniest things they'd ever heard

and kept laughing at Kevin.

- I told ya books weren't
no good for nothin'

maybe now you'll realize
who's the smart one.

- Your dad shot you in the head

on account of you read
that book, ya get it?

- [Narrator] Kevin
decided his parents were

a whole lot smarter than
he'd given them credit for,

so he promised them that
no matter what happened,

he'd never read another book again.

- That a boy.

Tell ya what, when you get better,

Daddy'll take you downtown for a wh*re.

[sentimental music]

- Alright now boys,

today we're gonna learn
some football skills.

The greatest game ever invented.

Some might tell you that
honor belongs to hockey

or basketball, but they're wrong.

- My dad says baseball
is the greatest sport.

- Well then, he's an ignorant as*h*le.

Maybe that's why your mom is
always sleeping with other men.

You're suspended, Johnny go home now.

Any other questions?

Good!

- Mr. Black isn't a very nice teacher.

- I heard he once made
a boy do so many sit-ups

that he started to have
stomach convulsions,

and threw up his own spleen and died

right in front of everyone.

- And then Mr. Black cut his head off

and nailed it to the
wall in the locker room,

so for the rest of the year,

no other boy in gym class would dare

question his totalitarian approach

to youth sports.

- The Board of Education feels

that I should teach a
broad curriculum of sports.

I disagree!

I'm going to teach football
all year, every class

and you can complain all you want

to your idjit liberal parents

and they can b*tch all they want

to the principal and Board of Education.

But ain't nothing going to change

'cause no one's got the
nuts to come down here

to my field and tell me different.

Alright pussies, give me ten laps.

[wheezing and crying]

- [Narrator] Kevin didn't
much care for football.

Then again, he didn't much
care for any of his classes,

so he usually skipped most of them

and spent the day drinking and hanging out

in a nearby arcade.

Kevin sure wished he was
playing arcade games right now.

Then Kevin wished he could
magically leave this world

and spend the rest of his life
living inside an arcade game,

fighting evil and anything
else that got in his way.

[g*n blasting]

[bell ringing]

Kevin must have been a little drunker

than he normally was the day before

because he'd spent the
whole night passed out

against his locker.

The school bell had woken him up

and that meant it was time for gym class.

Kevin figured he'd better
get out of there right quick,

so he wouldn't have to spend another class

with Mr. Black.

- First one changed, good job Spencer.

Too bad the rest of you ladies
aren't as eager as Kevin.

Hurry up and get changed,

last one out on the field
gets used as a tackling dummy.

You got til three.

One...

Two...

Three, get him, get him, get him, get him.

[laughing and crying]

[upbeat music]

- So I said to the guy,

I oughta get the ribs for free

on account of him taking
longer than 30 minutes.

- You thinking about pizza,
that don't work with ribs.

- I weren't done talkin'.

- [Narrator] Kevin was
having trouble at school.

Mr. Black was really mean and
he frightened all the kids.

Kevin really wanted to ask
his parents for some advice,

but he wasn't too sure
this was a good time.

- It don't work with
ribs you dumb b*stard.

- How'd you like me to
work your ribs, Fatty?

- Bring it on you stupid,
unemployed, son-of-a-b*tch.

- [Narrator] Kevin wasn't
big on family traditions,

so he was getting pretty sick and tired

of watching his parents throwing haymakers

every night at dinner.

Kevin figured he'd try
and change the subject

before they really got into it.

Kevin told his parents about Mr. Black

and asked them what he should do.

- It's like a life test boy,

if you quit, that means you's a failure.

- Hey, I quit football.

- You got cut 'cause you weren't no good.

- That's 'cause I couldn't
handle my booze as good

back then as I can now.

- The only thing you ever
handled back then was yourself.

- Yeah, well that's 'cause the lineup

to get to you was too long.

- Your friends didn't mind waitin' then

and they still don't.

- What the hell did I tell
you about banging my friends?

- Well, I wouldn't have
to if you wasn't impotent.

- I ain't ever had no
problems with the hookers,

so it must be seeing you
naked is what does it.

How 'bout that, Tubby?

- How's about we see if you
still got a glass jaw as*h*le?

[fists smashing]

- Alright pussies, today we're
working on skill development.

Little things win football games,

special teams, focus,

and hitting the other team's
quarterback in the knees,

so he's left as a crippled
shadow of his former self.

Today, we're going to work on kicking.

Spencer, I like your enthusiasm.

What I don't like is you, Donald

because you can't take a hit.

That's why you get to hold the ball

while all the other kids
have fun trying to kick it

through the goalposts.

Line up, you little pansies.

Oh, that's a real nice kick p*ssy.

Why don't you take a moment

to think about how bad you suck?

Tell you what, you can do it
while you're giving me 40 laps.

Nice try, Donovan, tell you what,

why don't you pick yourself
up, dust yourself off,

and go get some pompoms?

You've got all the makings
of a cheerleader, Fruitcake.

Next!

Shouldn't you be at
home watching Star Trek?

Start running!

- [Narrator] It was Kevin's
turn and he was pretty nervous.

He'd never been good at sports

because of all the smoking and drinking

and he figured there was no way

he would be able to kick
a football that far.

Kevin figured he was
looking at doing some laps

no matter how hard he kicked the ball,

so he figured there was no point in trying

and decided he'd just go ahead

and kick the kid holding the ball

in the side of the head
as hard as he could.

Kevin was pretty upset,

he must've been drunker than he thought

because he missed the
kid's head by a mile.

- I want to talk to you, Spencer.

The rest of you pussies can do laps

except for Donald.

You keep holding the ball.

- But we didn't get a turn.

- Alright that's
backtalk, you're expelled.

Go get changed back into
your dress and go home.

Let's see if you can
do that again, Spencer.

- [Narrator] Kevin was really excited

to be singled out from
the rest of the class

for his athletic ability

because that meant he was
gonna get another chance

to kick Donald in the head.

- Keep going, Boy.

Every year the Canadian Football League

has a national field
goal kicking competition.

Kids from all across Canada compete

and the winner gets a $10,000 check

for college or university.

Since you ain't bright
enough to go anyway,

I figure we can split the
check 70/30 in my favor.

And everyone's a winner.

- [Narrator] Kevin
didn't know what to say.

He was going to tell Mr. Black

that he wasn't even trying
to hit the football,

but then he got to thinking
that $6,000 was a lot of money.

Mostly because he'd never
done too well in math.

Before Kevin could compete
in the national finals,

he had to win the City Championship

and the Provincial Championship.

Kevin was pretty nervous

because he didn't like doing things

in front of large crowds of people

because he sucked at most things

and usually just embarrassed himself.

Before his turn, Kevin had a few hits

off the bottle of Rye he'd
stolen from the teacher's lounge

just to take the edge off.

- Our next competitor,
representing H.L. Lucas High

is young Kevin Spencer.

- Just like we practiced, Spencer.

I've even got Donald to
hold the ball for you

just like always.

- [Narrator] Kevin lined up the ball

and concentrated as hard as he could.

Six grand sure was a lot of money.

Then Kevin got to thinking,

money doesn't mean a whole lot

if you steal everything anyway,

so he figured screw the competition.

Kevin decided he was gonna see

if he could kick Donald's head clean off,

just like in his dream.

Kevin won the City Championship,

now he was competing in the
Provincial Championship.

It was down to Kevin and one other boy.

The other boy had missed
his try from 40 yards,

and if Kevin made his kick,

then he was gonna get
the chance to compete

for the $10,000 national title.

- This is a walk in the
park for you, Kevin.

Just focus on the ball and follow through.

I know you like to drink
a little beforehand,

so here, I brought you some vodka.

- Let's go, Kevin, you can do it.

- [Narrator] Kevin wasn't
used to his classmates

being nice to him,

so he figured Donald was teasing him.

Kevin wanted to kick Donald in the head

more than he'd ever wanted
anything in his whole life.

Kevin took one last good
luck mouth full of vodka

and ran towards Donald.

[cheering]

- 30% of ten grand ain't 6,000, Idiot.

- How would you know?

- Put it in park, Cow, I'm
talking to the lunatic.

- It's more like only five
or something you fat drunk.

- Either way it's a lot of scratch,

we could stay loaded for
a couple of months easy,

and still have enough for
smokes and bail for one of us.

- [Narrator] The National
Championship was in three days,

and Kevin was already nervous.

He didn't like crowds,

and this time he was
going to have to compete

during half-time of the Grey Cup.

Which meant that he
was going to have to be

in front of almost 3,000 people.

- The family's counting on you, Boy,

so don't screw it up by
getting tanked or nothin'.

- [Narrator] Kevin didn't feel
like talking about it anymore

so he went out back to his
favorite tree to have a few.

[guzzling]

It was the big day.

The organizers of the competition

had flown all the contestants

and their parents to
Calgary for the big event.

All the kids at Kevin's school
had organized a fundraiser,

so that Donald and his family

could fly to Calgary with the Spencers

because Mr. Black said that Donald

was Kevin's good luck charm,

and if they didn't then
he would personally

kick each and every one of them in the a*s

so hard they'd have to take off their hat

to go to the bathroom.

- One minute to half-time, kids.

Good luck to all of you,

and may the best boy win.

- Alright, Spencer, according
to my scouting report

the longest kick any kid
in this room has made

is 42 yards.

That's sweet FA compared to you,

so all you have to do is stay focused,

and kick that ball like you
do every day in practice.

If you do that, we're both
going to walk out of here

rich men.

- Ladies and gentleman, for
your half-time entertainment,

we present some future CFLers,

could you please put your
hands together and welcome

the Provincial Champions of the

Field Goal Kicking Competition.

Today, they will be competing
for the coveted title

of National Champion along
with a check for $10,000.

- Man just think of what you
can do with that kind of money.

- Our first contestant, hails
from the Province of Ontario.

Good luck, Kevin Spencer.

- [Narrator] Kevin stood frozen in fear.

The whole crowd was silent,

even Kevin's parents who
had come out to watch

because the manager of the bar

had thrown them out for fighting.

- Come on, Kevin, you can do it.

- Focus, Boy, it ain't no
different than practice,

except for the ten grand.

Just do what you've always done.

- [Narrator] Because
Kevin wanted to do well

and win the prize,

he hadn't had a single drink all day.

It was the first time in years
that Kevin had been sober

and he was amazed at
how well he could walk

without falling down and pick
up things on the first try.

Kevin took a deep breath and
began his kicking routine

by visualizing what it would be like

to kick Donald's head clean off.

Then he counted as high as he could,

which was usually around seven.

Then Kevin ran towards the
ball as fast as he could.

[crowd cheering]

[screaming]

- [News Man] Stupendous!

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Somethings wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath. ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪