[gentle playful music]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a chain-smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath ♪
[gentle music]
- [Narrator] It was time for Kevin
to appear before an appeals court again.
Every few years, he was allowed
to stand in front of the
judge and promise that,
even though his criminal
needed a small forklift
in order to be entered as evidence,
he was all better and wouldn't
do any bad things again.
- Alright.
Stand up as the judge enters.
- Yeah, we know the routine.
- The court will be hearing
the case of Kevin Spencer,
appealing his sentence of 900 years
without possibility of parole.
Judge Guacamole presiding.
- Your Honor, I'm here
to prove that my client
is an innocent, naive young cherub
[fire explodes]
who's been led down a road of corruption
by a bad family and upbringing.
- Proceed.
And, uh, get a fire extinguisher in here.
[fire extinguisher hisses]
- Your Honor, I call the
boy's alleged father,
Percy Spencer, to the stand.
[soft sad music]
[crowd whispering]
[gavel banging]
- I been telling people for years
the little freak's head don't work right.
- Mr. Spencer, how has
your son's incarceration
affected your familiar circumstances?
- [Narrator] Percy
didn't know what in hell
the lawyer was saying,
[light playful music]
so he decided to lighten the mood
with some of his patented armpit playing.
[armpit farting]
- Okay, let me rephrase the question.
Mr. Spencer, what's it been
like having your boy in prison?
- We're turning his bedroom
into a microbrewery.
- Your honor, I put it to you
that this youngster is swimming upstream
against genetics and circumstance.
How can we stand in judgment
just because he finally
reached the breaking point.
Who knows what torments he's had to endure
with this man as a father?
[playful music]
- Look, Ma, I'm in court again.
- You sure are, baby.
- [Narrator] Percy Spencer
was a hard-drinking
chain-smoking drug-abusing ex-convict.
So when the traveling
carnival came to town,
he was made supervisor.
[triumphant fanfare music]
- You're perfect to operate
our most dangerous ride,
the Regurgitator.
It used to belong to Nassau,
but they thought it was too dangerous.
Any questions?
- When do I get the money?
- Good question.
Any others?
- Can I get drunk while I work?
- Hey, this is a very dangerous ride,
so only drink vodka.
If something goes wrong,
the cops can't smell it on your breath.
- Gotcha.
[upbeat lively music]
- [Narrator] Because Kevin's dad
was working for the carnival,
Kevin got free admission.
Kevin decided to drop
by and enjoy a few rides
and see if he could screw
his old man out of his paycheck.
[screaming]
When he arrived at the Regurgitator,
he found that his dad had
already gotten bored and left,
leaving a group of people
stranded on the ride
for over an hour.
Then he noticed something unusual.
Every time the ride went past,
something flew out of the
pockets of the people onboard.
Coins, wallets, shoes,
even a nifty, artificial glass eye.
Kevin thought the glass eye
would be a really cool keychain.
He figured it was easier than working,
so he decided to sit tight and
see what else he could catch.
Kevin learned right quick
that some things are more
fun to catch than others.
[bouncy brass music]
[crashes]
When Kevin came to, he figured
he better go find the old man
and start working on his paycheck.
[bouncy music]
Kevin found his dad hanging out
in the beer tent with the freaks.
And things were getting pretty rowdy.
Percy was helping the
Human Pinhead rehearse.
- I done this to a guy once
before, but it wasn't a show.
- [Narrator] Kevin tried
to catch his old man's eye,
but his dad didn't pay any attention,
because he was really hammered
and trying to get it on
with the Siamese twins.
[gentle romantic music]
- Hey, baby, I think you
meet the height restrictions
to hop onboard my ride.
- Not a chance, you fat piss tank.
- Besides, we're shacked
up with the Rubber Man.
- Come on.
Only lovin' I been gettin'
is when the Dog-face Boy
starts humping my leg.
God dammit, there he goes again.
Get!
Get off me, ya effin' prick.
Get, get.
[hand smacks]
[dog yelping]
- [Narrator] Suddenly, the
whole beer tent went silent.
[drums rolling]
- We represent a community
group which is outraged
by the exploitation of
these so-called freaks.
Who are you to label someone
as the world's fattest lady
or smelliest man?
- I ain't no freak.
I work the rides, ya friggin' arsewipe.
- We're not going to let you
continue this exploitation
by letting people stare and gawk.
We're going to show the community cares
by putting them all in hospitals
where they can be unemployed and lonely.
- [Narrator] The council
threatened to come back
the next day with a
cease and desist order.
- Canceling our freak show?
- [Narrator] The carnie
manager was really upset.
[sad music]
This was the biggest tragedy
since the fire eater got diarrhea
and accidentally k*lled six people.
Kevin didn't quite
understand what was going on,
but he could tell by the way his old man
was stealing half-cold beers
that he'd already blown his paycheck.
So they both decided to check
out the rest of the carnival.
They found Mom at a
guess your weight booth.
- I guess your weight to be, hmmm,
- Gosh, you must be psychic.
- He must be effin' blind.
She's a quarter ton easy.
Hey, look, there's Charlie.
- Hemp shirts, hemp soap.
Everything you can imagine made from hemp.
Mirror with a marijuana leaf on it?
If it's made of hemp, we got it.
- Got any for smoking?
- Gosh, can you smoke it?
[gentle playful music]
- [Narrator] Finally, Kevin and his dad
arrived back at the Regurgitator.
The city council members
from the beer tent
were all standing in line to ride.
- Well, I hope this is
finally some acceptable
good-natured family fun.
[soft sad music]
- [Narrator] Kevin
couldn't help but notice
all the toys, prizes, jewelry, and purses
they were bringing with them.
And he told his dad to jack up the speed
as soon as he started the ride.
[electricity buzzing]
[screaming]
[gentle music]
It started raining valuables.
Kevin caught jewelry, wallets,
and other great stuff.
[tense music]
Then there was an enormous crash.
The ride had snapped from its moorings
and flew off into a nearby swamp.
[water splashes]
- That was a hell of a good plan, boy.
I doubt we'll be hearing from
them shitty councilors again.
- [Narrator] Kevin didn't know
what the man was talking about,
but because people seemed to like him,
he just nodded his head and smiled
so they wouldn't think he was a moron.
- Kevin Spencer, king of the freaks.
[joyous fanfare music]
- [Narrator] And that's
how Kevin saved the freaks
from being committed
to the state hospital.
It's also how he got convicted
of criminal negligence
causing bodily harm.
[tense organ music]
Kevin was in appeals court
trying to get a few years
knocked off his sentence.
His lawyer was convinced
that he could get his term
reduced to 500 years with good behavior.
- Your Honor, I'd like
to call my next witness,
Mr. Franklin, Kevin's psychiatrist.
[light music]
- Mr. Franklin, do you
promise to tell the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing
but the truth, so help you God?
- Truth?
Truth?
What is truth?
It all comes down to
interpretation, doesn't it?
The Jungian approach of a
synchronous-weaved reality,
contrasted with the
schisms of the Freudian--
- Just say I do.
- Theoretically, I do.
- Mr. Franklin, is Kevin Spencer,
as so many have asserted
in the past, a lost cause?
- Nobody is a lost cause.
Ah, is a landmine evil?
It certainly exists for an evil purpose,
but in and of itself, it is not conscious
of any evil intent.
It's merely fulfilling its purpose.
- Your Honor, if you had to listen
to this pompous idiot all day,
don't you think you'd find
yourself acting out fantasies
as a way of coping?
[soft discordant music]
[mysterious music]
- [Narrator] Sometimes,
when you're a chain-smoking,
alcoholic sociopath, you run into problems
remembering things,
like where you are and how you got there.
Kevin was having one of those days.
[garbage shuffles]
Things got even more mysterious
when he realized just
how far from home he was.
The Mexican border.
[soulful brass music]
It took two days, but Kevin
finally hitchhiked home.
- There you are, you little b*stard.
What the hell happened to you?
- [Narrator] Kevin told
his dad about Mexico
and asked him if he knew anything
that might Kevin remember what happened.
- You were supposed to be
going to the liquor store
for me and the old lady.
- [Narrator] Kevin's dad
told him about his plan
to break into the liquor store.
First, they gathered up a week's worth
of empty beer bottles, hid Kevin inside,
and took him into the store
to return the empties.
After the store closed for the night,
Kevin could emerge and open the door,
so that Percy could pull
up in a stolen truck
and load up the booze.
Percy thought this was a perfect plan,
mostly because he was stupid
and drunk most of the time.
The first problem was
they couldn't find a truck
powerful enough to carry
a week's worth of empties.
So they could only carry a
couple of days worth of bottles.
[playful music]
- I like to open these cases
and make sure they're all full.
- [Narrator] Percy hadn't counted on that.
He was about to make a run for it
and leave the boy to the cops
when he came up with an idea.
[alarm blares]
He pulled the fire alarm,
so everyone would have
to run out of the store.
Kevin heard the fire alarm
from inside the beer case
where he was hiding and
wondered what was happening.
He got even more confused
when fire extinguisher foam
kept sh**ting through the cardboard.
- There ain't no fire in here.
Whole damn thing's a false alarm.
- Damn, and now I have a drippy hose,
and I'm all covered in white stuff.
Yuck.
- Grab a case of beer.
We'll drink it after the shift.
The pricks owe us for wasting our time.
[light lively music]
- [Narrator] The fireman
picked up the case
with Kevin inside and
threw it on the firetruck.
Before the firetruck could
get back to the station house,
they received another call.
[radio cracks]
- [Dispatch] Truck 23, respond
to a fire in Junkieville.
A rowdy mob has set fire to a crackhouse.
- We're on it.
[tense music]
[siren blares]
- [Narrator] When they
got to the crackhouse,
things really started kicking.
Junkies and p*mps were
brawling with vigilantes
and members of local senior
citizens associations.
- Take that, and that,
and here's another one
for Harry S. Truman.
Now there's a President
who knew about hats.
- [Narrator] Kevin took
advantage of the commotion
to sneak out of the beer case
and hide in a nearby composter.
[deep breathing]
- Hey, man, are you a narc?
[sniffling]
- [Junkie] 'Course he's not a narc.
He's a little kid, man.
- I don't know, these narcs
can be pretty sly, man.
- [Narrator] Normally, a composter
wouldn't hold so many people,
but luckily, most
junkies subsist on a diet
of bread and fast food ketchup envelopes.
So, they all manage to
fit into the same one.
[shivering]
- Those freakin' people
torched our house, man.
- Yeah, we lost everything,
the CD player, the Neil Diamond albums.
- The only thing we didn't
lose was this pile of drugs.
[heavy breathing]
- [Narrator] Soon everyone in the bin
was cranked up on something sweet.
And they talked about their
hopes and dreams in life.
- Wouldn't it be cool to go on vacation
in some place like Mexico, you know?
- [Narrator] Kevin told
them he'd been to Mexico
on his honeymoon with a prost*tute,
and that it was pretty cool.
Kevin was happy, because the junkies
really seemed to like him.
He was about to tell them another story,
when the dump truck came
and emptied the dumpster.
Kevin and the junkies were
thrown into a large bin.
And the truck rolled
away to dump its cargo
in a water reservoir in Mexico.
Lying amidst the discarded eggshells
and women's hygiene products,
Kevin thought how this
whole thing happened,
because he'd listened to
his jerkoff of an old man.
Kevin figured he'd never
be that stupid again.
Kevin had just fallen asleep
when the truck ground to a halt.
- I'm Officer Santiago with
the Mexican Border Patrol.
We much search your truck.
- [Narrator] When the
guard searched the truck,
they found Kevin and
the two junkies asleep.
- Hey, look at this, Carrado,
more wet gringos trying to
sneak into Mexico to find jobs.
It's sad, amigo.
All because of that NAFTA agreement.
- [Narrator] The guard told the driver
he couldn't enter Mexico
with the gringos onboard.
So, the truck dumped
Kevin and the two junkies
in a nearby dumpster.
Sometimes, when you're a chain-smoking,
alcoholic sociopath, you run into problems
remembering things like where
you are and how you got there.
This was one of those days.
[mysterious music]
[gentle music]
Kevin's mom decided that if
someone was going to bring
some money into the house,
it would probably have to be her.
So, she attended a rigorous
two-hour training session
and got her accreditation
as a licensed ScamWay
Cosmetics sales professional
and lingerie model.
- Kevin, baby, your momma's goin' to work.
Can you help me carry
some of my heavy stuff?
[dissonant piano music]
Look, just pick up the damn suitcase,
or you can sleep at the mission
like your old man did last night.
- They give me free soup and a hat.
[light lounge music]
- [Narrator] Kevin's
mom walked up the street
to her designated sales area
and knocked on the first door.
Kevin couldn't believe his eyes.
It was the nurse from
the dentist's office,
the woman he'd worshiped
from afar for so long.
[enchanting music]
- I'm Anastasia Spencer,
your local ScamWay sales representative.
Hey, you sure got a lot of
pretty stuff in your house.
- I'd love to buy some cosmetics,
so long as they're all animal-friendly.
- I guarantee that no animals were harmed.
We get these so cheap,
'cause of child labor,
not animal testing.
[laughs]
- [Narrator] Kevin watched
as his mom and the assistant
tried different cosmetic products.
- Try this.
[nozzle sprays]
- That's nice.
But what do you think about this?
[nozzle sprays]
- That's nice, too.
Now, try this.
[nozzle sprays]
- That's great, like musk.
But does it work with this?
[nozzle sprays]
- [Narrator] It went on for hours,
and Kevin started to get bored.
Then he noticed that all the perfume spray
was filling the room
and starting to give
everyone a really neat buzz.
Mom was already screwing up her metaphors.
- I'll tell you why I married the b*stard,
because I like my men the
way I like my sandwiches,
stupid and lazy.
- You wanna talk about men?
I once had sex with my
boss in the dentist chair.
- You don't say?
- [Narrator] Suddenly, Kevin found himself
very interested in what was going on
and listened intently to the juicy tidbits
about her wild on-the-job passions.
But just as it was started
to get interesting,
Kevin's cigarette ignited all
the fumes in the living room
and blew out all the windows of the house.
[amusing brass music]
- Oh well, I guess now
is as good a time as any
to let you try on the lingerie.
[relaxing music]
- [Narrator] The dental assistant
tried on the whole range of
ScamWay skanky summer wear.
And Kevin's heart was starting
to beat out of control.
He decided he'd better go to
the bathroom and calm down.
Once inside the bathroom,
he pulled out a bottle of cough syrup
and drank himself up some courage.
But he couldn't get that imagery
of the sensuous, young dental
assistant out of his mind.
[relaxing music]
First, his mind raced with the images
of the sloping enclaves
of her supple body.
Then his mind raced with a
good, hard cough syrup buzz.
Then he passed out.
Soon, his mom started wondering
what was taking the boy
so long in the bathroom.
[knocking]
And she assumed the worst.
- [Anastasia] You think I don't know
what you're up to in there?
I know what you're doing.
Get out of there right
now, you little pervert.
- What's going on?
Why did you call him a little pervert?
You're not suggesting...
Oh my god, that's disgusting.
How could you bring that little
degenerate into my house?
- Hey, that's my degenerate,
you little hussy.
And maybe he wouldn't be in
there pounding the knockwurst
if you weren't dancing around
like the little tr*mp you are.
- That does it.
I'm calling 911.
[gentle music]
[machine whirring]
- [Narrator] When the
rescue squad showed up,
they had to get Kevin out of the bathroom
with the Jaws of Life.
Then, they had to get Kevin's mom
out of the latex bodysuit
with the Jaws of Life.
That's when Kevin's mom decided
she didn't like working for ScamWay.
So she just worked long enough
to be entitled to unemployment benefits,
and went back from knocking on
doors to screwing the system.
But not before finding someone qualified
to take over her sales area.
[relaxing music]
- Good afternoon.
I'd like to show you the
full line of ScamWay products
for men and--
[door slams]
[light jaunty music]
- [Narrator] It was almost
time for closing arguments
in Kevin's appeal, and it
was looking pretty positive.
Everything about Kevin's life made it seem
as if he was the victim of an upbringing
that left him completely
irresponsible of his actions.
- I don't wanna get your hopes up, kid,
but I think the judge is
on our side this time.
You could walk out of here a free man.
- [Narrator] All of a
sudden, Kevin did something
that stunned everyone, even his lawyer.
He called a surprise witness.
- Surprise witness?
I'm your lawyer, and no one told me
about any surprise witness.
- [Narrator] As a character witness,
Kevin called up Alan the Magic Goose.
- Kevin is a good and wonderful kid
who only wants to fit in.
He's the victim of a careless society
and a stifling upbringing.
That, and his head don't work right,
because it's crazy as sin.
Tell 'em that, boy.
Tell 'em how you can't help yourself,
because you got no conscience.
[laughs]
You broken-headed freak.
- [Narrator] Kevin knew that
no on else could see Alan,
so he told them everything he was saying.
The court sat in stunned silence
as Kevin ruined his own airtight case.
Well, not quite stunned silence.
[laughing]
- Again with the magic goose.
I'm laughin' so hard I'm gonna hurl.
- They're gonna toss your a*s
right back in the joint, kid.
Right back in the joint.
[laughs]
- [Narrator] Dad wasn't
any Rhodes scholar,
but he sure was right this time,
because that's exactly what they did.
[crickets chirping]
[sad music]
Kevin's two weeks in solitary were up,
and he was allowed back
into the general population.
While he was in solitary,
his Uncle Phil had been reincarcerated,
because he violated his parole
by failing his drug test
and because he held up a gas station.
- Long time no see, Phil.
How's it goin'?
- I was framed.
[laughing]
Uh, what's the matter
with your boy, Percy?
He don't look so good.
- He ain't used to the sun,
on account of always being in solitary.
- [Phil] That little freak looks sick.
- He ain't sick, unless
you count his head.
[laughing]
- I keep forgetting that
he's mentally wrong.
Too bad you ain't sick, boy,
because if you get sick,
they take you to the infirmary
and give you a nice bed,
lots of drugs, and a nurse.
[enchanting music]
- [Narrator] That night,
as Kevin stood over
his new cellmate just to
make him really uncomfortable
and scared during his
first night in prison,
Kevin decided he'd try and
fake being sick the next day
to see if he could weasel
a trip to the infirmary.
Kevin thought long and hard
about what kind of illness
he wanted to fake.
It wasn't the first time
he'd faked being sick
to get what he wanted,
but the last time he'd done it,
he'd made a big mistake.
And he didn't wanna go through that again.
[whip cracking]
- Take off them pants, Spencer.
- [Narrator] Kevin was getting bored
just looking at the new guy,
so he decided to make a lot
of quick jerking movements
towards his new cellmate
to see if he could make
him cry like a big baby
and wet his pants.
[screams]
Then, Kevin decided to go over everything
that had had happened the
last time he faked being sick
to see if he could figure out
where he made his mistake.
[upbeat electronic music]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a chain-smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath ♪
[metal sliding]
[metal clanks]
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