01x08 - The New Mr. Franklin (Parent/Teacher Interview)

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]
[laser sh**ting]

[electricity buzzing]

[rocket jets]

[screaming]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Narrator: Kevin was still
being treated by Mr. Franklin's

really mean brother, Mr. Franklin.

Because of Kevin, the first
Mr. Franklin had had a nervous

breakdown, and was on sabbatical
until his sanity returned,

or his paid union sick days ran out.

The new Mr. Franklin
was a whole lot meaner.

[intense music]

All right, you
compassion-less mutton-head.

Today, we're going to find
out how you slid through

the cracks and became
such a worthless freak!

Lie back on this couch,
close your eyes and relax,

you little maggot!

Relax!

Narrator: Kevin wondered
why Mr. Franklin was trying to

hypnotize him again.

[bouncy piano music]
[machine zaps]

Narrator: That was the day
Kevin learned the difference

between hypnosis and electroshock therapy.

Kevin's memories flew out of his head,

almost as quickly as his
body flew around the room.

[machine zaps]

All right, Spencer.

Why can't you fit in?

Where did the system fail you?

Answer me, damn you!

[pop]

[zaps intensify]

[pleasant piano music]

Narrator: It was parent-teacher
night at Kevin's school

and at least one of Kevin's
parents had to show up,

or Child Welfare was going
to put Kevin back into

foster care.

Kevin's last foster family
always took an interest in him.

They discussed his issues and tried to

help him with his homework.

Kevin didn't much care
for that type of stuff,

because it pissed him off,

and usually ruined a pretty
good cough syrup buzz.

Kevin figured he'd better con
one of his parents into going.

He asked his mum, but she
was too busy with her new

phone sex service.

That's right, baby.

I'm a sexy cheerleader.

Now, lather me in corn
oil and call me a tr*mp.

[squeak]

Shut your hole,

I'm trying to watch Cops.

[screams]

Next, on Cops, a fat, drunk
White Tr*sh bum gets busted,

just like every week.

I'm still a handsome man.

[chugging]

Stay tuned after Cops
for America's Most Hunted.

Percy Spencer is wanted
for as*ault, auto theft,

Public drunkenness, and failure
to rewind rented videotapes.

If you know Percy Spencer's
whereabouts, do not

notify the police.

k*ll him immediately!

That camera angle
makes my gut look fat.

Sittin' on ya useless,
unemployed a*s makes ya look fat.

At least I'm gettin' three bucks a minute.

Narrator: Kevin's dad
wondered what it would be like

to get three bucks a minute for sex,

but since that was longer than he'd ever

lasted with a woman, he decided
it was better to earn money

the old fashioned way,

by stealing it from your wife's purse.

Kevin got an idea.

He told the old man there was a

blood donor clinic at school,

and he'd get five bucks if
he came in and gave a pint.

All's I gotta do is
lie about the herpes,

and I got me enough for smokes.

Narrator: The first meeting
was with Mrs. Kilbourne.

She had a really long
list of concerns about

Kevin's behavior.

Violence shouldn't be
the first course of action

when faced with a problem.

Narrator: Percy thought
about what she said,

then he remembered the
last teachers' strike,

when Mrs. Kilbourne threw
a brick at a busload of

scab labor.

Thinking about the man
getting hit in the head with

the brick made Percy laugh.

Then the laughter stopped
real quick when Percy realized

this wasn't a blood
donor clinic after all.

Percy figured he'd pop the boy
a real sweet one in the head,

to teach him lying was wrong.

I'll parent-teacher night
you, you freakin' little a-hole.

[cheerful piano music]

Narrator: It was a good
thing for Kevin that his old man

was an overweight drunk,

because that meant he couldn't
squeeze his fat a*s out of

the tiny grade school desk.

The next meeting was
with Kevin's gym teacher.

Mr. Carty had some concerns
about Kevin as well.

The boy's a loser!

He's always daydreaming or drunk,

or whacked on glue!

Last week, he put a sexual lubricant

on the uneven bars.
[screams]

[cheerful piano music]

Narrator: The only bars
Percy cared about were the ones

that had Happy Hour.

So he wasn't really paying attention.

Percy really wanted to
try out the trampoline,

because it brought back tender memories

of the prison exercise yard.

[thud]

[birds chirping]

Kevin's dad bounced and bounced.

Smokes, liquor, and lottery
tickets filled the air.

It was really fun,

right up until the motion
sickness kicked in.

[retches]

[fanfare]

Mr. Donaldson, the wood
shop teacher, was showing

some other parents how
to tighten the lathe.

We teach kids how to
work with their hands,

so they don't have to ruin
society for the working man

by suckin' the welfare teet.

Narrator: Kevin's
dad hated Mr. Donaldson.

They both hung out at the same strip club,

but all the girls liked
Mr. Donaldson better,

because he was employed,

and he kept his pants up.

Percy figured Mr. Donaldson could

stand to learn a lesson or two.

The shop teacher never saw it coming.

[click]
[dramatic orchestral music]

[squeak]

The lathe pulled off his pants,

and his artificial leg,

and spun them around
like a circus pinwheel.

Percy laughed so hard,
he didn't pay attention

and was kicked, arse over tea kettle,

into the refreshments table.

Percy passed out cold.

When the police arrived,
Kevin told them that his dad

was on America's Most Hunted,

and got $300 for turning him in.

That night, Kevin bought
smokes, cough syrup, and enough

sugar for every gas
tank in the parking lot.

Mr. Franklin thought a drug
detox program might help

Kevin come to terms
with some of his issues.

Kevin agreed to try it,

because he was a federally
incarcerated prisoner,

and pretty much had to
do whatever he was told.

Kevin didn't like the strange,
shaky people in rehab,

especially his dad, whose
DTs were getting so bad,

he could barely light his own smoke

and hold on to his glass
of contraband booze.

Hey boy, light daddy's smoke!

Narrator: The rehab councilor
asked everyone to share

revealing personal stories
about how they started

abusing substances.

That's how they ended up
talking about Christmas.

And I said I wanted
the red truck, but...

I got the blue one! [sobs]

Daddy sold all my Christmas
toys so he could get a wh*re!

I really did see mommy
kissing Santa Claus!

But not on the lips.

Narrator: Then it was Kevin's turn.

He told the story of how he
and his dad went to church

every Christmas.

It was a family tradition,

passed down through the generations.

[glass shatters]

First, they'd check the
parked cars for tape decks.

Then dad would jimmy the lock on

the church's wine cellar door.

Finally, it would be time for

Kevin's favorite Christmas
tradition: holding open the

front doors of the church,
while dad hauled off a few

beauty snowballs into the
caroling congregation.

[congregation sings]
[snowballs thud]

On their way home, they
passed a mall Santa Claus,

looking for donations.

Kevin recognized the Santa

as Mr. Bigass, the school principal.

Mr. Bigass was fulfilling his

court ordered community
service, because the police

had caught him skimming
off the yearbook committee

to pay for a hair transplant.

Help the poor?

I am the poor.

So eff off.

[sad bells chime]

Narrator: When they got home,

Charlie Plunt, Uncle Mike, and
Uncle Frank were waiting with

their usually Christmas greeting.

You owe me $37 Percy,
you dumb fat b*stard!

Give us the money,

or we'll break your foot with this hammer.

I don't got no money, so
shut up and drink a beer.

Narrator: Everyone came
inside and played Caps for hours.

They had so much fun that
Percy nearly lost an eye.

Jeez! [laughs]

I think I'm gonna piss myself!

Oh, my God, wait, I forgot to buy eggnog!

Don't worry, I found
some next to the radiator.

It's still half full.

Narrator: Percy showed
everyone his legendary

Christmas recipe of eggnog
spiked with mouthwash.

Then it was time for presents.

I don't suppose you
brought a Christmas tree too,

ya stupid dink. [giggles]

Narrator: Kevin's dad
surprised everyone with the

decorated Christmas tree
air freshener he had taken

from one of the stolen cars.
[camera shutters]

Kevin's mum got the T-shirt
she had always wanted,

and Dad got a special present,

when Mum tore up the restraining
order she'd had on him

since St. Patrick's Day.

I got you that home
entertainment system I promised.

I didn't get ya nothin',

on accounta we don't have the same dad.

[instrumental Christmas music]

You know, Anastasia,

I don't know if it's the mouth wash

or the food poisoning talking,

but I'd sure like to take
ya over to the mistletoe

and slide down your chimney.

Take a chance, stud.

Narrator: Charlie Plunt
kissed Mum under the mistletoe,

then he kissed her
under the kitchen table.

When he finally kissed
Mum under the apron,

Percy figured he'd had enough.

That there's private parking, Plunt!

Narrator: Kevin's dad
slipped an ashtray into a

Christmas stocking, and popped
Charlie a real sweet one,

right in the crotch.

That'll teach you not to fu-
[crash]

Narrator: The party was in full-swing,

but Kevin wasn't having very much fun.

He was wondering if there
really was a Santa Claus,

and if there was a true
meaning to Christmas.

Then he wondered what would
happen if he put r*fle b*ll*ts

in a kitchen blender.

[blender explodes]

Then he got the spins from
all the booze and cough syrup,

and decided it was time for bed.

When Kevin got to his room,

he discovered Pete Wilcox
had put something special

in his Christmas stocking...

Himself.

Happy birthday, messiah.

Look what I got you for Christmas!

My unflinching loyalty and servitude,

in the name of the almighty...

And some chocolates.

Narrator: Kevin told Pete
the best Christmas present

he could ask for would be to
have everyone in the other room

shut up so he could get some sleep,

and wait for the real Santa.

One silent night, comin' up.

All right, shut up!

Or I'll rip your arm off and
beat you with the soggy end!

Narrator: Soon, the house
was quieter than it'd ever been

and Kevin slept until 3 a.m.,

when he was disturbed by a noise.

[crash]
[moaning]

Narrator: Kevin thought
that maybe it was Santa,

but it was just the old man.

Egg nog and mouth wash
always made him sleepwalk.

And he'd just pulled
up a seat in the fridge

to have a dump in the crisper.

[suspenseful piano music]

Christmas just didn't make any sense.

Kevin headed back to the
church, looking for answers.

When he got there, something
about the nativity scene

caught his attention.

Maybe it was the way
Principal Bigass's car

had collided with it, leaving
the old fart drunk and

unconscious in his Santa suit.

h*, oh, holy son of a...

Narrator: Since he
was already passed out,

Kevin figured Santa wouldn't
be needing his liquor,

or bucket of charity money.

After that, Kevin drank
himself unconscious at the

local landfill site.

It was the best Christmas he'd ever had.

Kevin was catching up on his
shoplifting when he walked into

the Hobbies section of the J-Mart store.

Kevin thought if he had a
hobby, he could share it with

other people, and they might like him.

He almost had a hobby
once when his dad stole

a soapbox racing car from the neighbors.

But before Kevin had a
chance to try it out,

the old man busted it up
trying to outrun the cops

after sticking up a liquor store.

Kevin's dad wasn't too long on smarts.

Just as Kevin was about
to find a quiet corner

to regurgitate years of shame, he noticed

the model rocket engines
in the Hobby department.

Kevin dreamed of all the neat
things he could use these

rockets for.

[rocket booms]

[screams]

Kevin was happy to finally have a hobby.

He was even happier that his
mum was usually so loaded

that she always bought
him the wrong sized pants.

You with the lumpy pants!

If you're not buying anything, get lost!

Narrator: Kevin didn't
much like being talked to

like that, and decided to
find out where the clerk's

car was parked, so he could
try out one of his other

favorite hobbies: key stripping.

But just as he was about
to leave the store,

he noticed something.

Something in the Grocery department.

On a can of whipped topping.

[peaceful music]

You know what that is, taco tripper.

That's the dentist gas.

The magic gas that makes the goose loose!

Narrator: Kevin remembered
how much Alan liked it when he

wore the gas mask at the dentist.

So he stuffed some of the
canisters down his pants.

At first, Kevin couldn't quite
figure out how to get the gas

out of the can without the cream.

But eventually, he got the hang of it,

and decided this was much
better than purposely overdosing

on seasickness pills.

[swoosh]

Stupendorific, my
dysfunctional doppelgänger!

Narrator: Alan loved laughing gas.

Kevin was pretty much
just ambivalent to it,

because he was born without
the ability to feel emotion.

Still, even though he didn't
feel things like Alan,

he still liked the buzz more
than watching television,

because there weren't any
commercials, and he didn't have to

deal with the corporate agenda
during his entertainment.

[swoosh]

Show 'em you can fly, Kevin.

You can fly, Kevin!

Narrator: By now, Kevin
had ingested enough cans

of whipped cream to decorate
an Italian wedding cake,

which is why he figured
Alan's idea made a whole lot

of sense.

He decided to go to
school and show everyone

how he could fly like a superhero.

Then he'd be able to do all the things

other big-time heroes did.

Like fighting crime,

getting naked in phone booths,

and kicking his sorry old man in the a*s.

[inspirational piano music]

Hey, look, it's Santa Claus!

Nah, it's Spencer.

What's he doing?

Narrator: Kevin told the
other kids he was going to

use rockets to fly, so he
wouldn't have to put up with

their crap anymore.

All right, everyone.

You remember the rules for Dodgeball?

[thud]
Oh, okay, good.

Right, that's enough.

[thud]
Ow, knock it off!

Listen, you little peckers!

Hey, what the?

Oh, my God, Spencer!

What are you doing?

Narrator: Mr. Carty grabbed
the rocket from Kevin's hand

just as the fuse lit.

[Mr. Carty screams]

But rather than flying like a superhero,

the heat spot-welded his
hand into a fireball.

He simply writhed in horrible agony.

Kevin was real disappointed.

Kevin decided he'd be
better off sticking with

his old hobbies: swigging
cough syrup and stealing.

It's Career Day again, class,

and I'd like you all to welcome Porn Man.

He's going to tell us
about the exciting world of

video production.

Students: Hello, Porn Man.

Hello class.

I guess you're all thinking,

"No one buys porno now
because of the internet."

You're wrong.

My, it certainly is... hot in here.

My hand!

My hand!

Oh, my God, my hand is on fire!

Call 911!

[students scream]

Oh, now that dude is hot.

[whistles]

What the heck are those
wires coming out of my gas tank?

Hey, it's the lumpy pants kid!

[suspenseful music]

[glass shatters]
[car erupts in flames]

[fire rages]

[lighter strikes]

[fire rages]

Narrator: After the
electroshock, Kevin's memory

didn't work too well for a few days.

This made him happy,

because he had no memory of
how horrible his life was,

and what kind of people he was related to.

Everyone thought he was cured
of his malevolent hatred

for humanity.

You're one of the most
disturbed little freaks

I've ever treated, and to
credit to this institution,

we've decided to release you.

Good luck in your freedom,

and your father wants to say goodbye.

[door slams]

Hey boy, when you's
visit, bring smokes.

Narrator: Suddenly,
Kevin's memories all came back

to him, and when he remembered
just what kind of rotten life

he had, he got real angry.

[grunts]

[screams]

[thud]

[suspenseful music]

As he lost consciousness,
Kevin wondered if he could

break in and use the electroshock
machine in his spare time.

It was a cool buzz.

[bouncy piano music]

Kevin had been undergoing
a rigorous battery of

electroshock treatments,

and they had some temporary side effects.

He kept forgetting what things
were supposed to be used for.

[thud, thud, thud, thud]

[slurping]

[slurping]

The shocks also made him suddenly become

deathly afraid of soup.

And worst of all, they
were really pissing off

Alan the Magic Goose.

Kevin figured he'd better do
his best to avoid getting the

shock treatments again.

Kevin went to the recreation room,

where the other inmates let off steam.

[thud]
[grunt]

[thud]
[grunt]

[squish]
[screams]

[thud]
[squish]

Oh!
Yeah!

Oh yeah!

h*, h*, h*, baby!

Hey loser, I wanna talk to you.

Narrator: It was Pete Wilcox,

but he wasn't being as friendly as usual.

You've been taking advantage
of my weakened mental state.

Well, I'm not gonna be your sl*ve anymore!

Now that I have my sanity back,

I'm gonna do something I
should've done to you long ago!

Narrator: Kevin was scared,

because he expected to
get a holy-a*s whoopin'.

[suspenseful music]

You're a poopyhead, Kevin Spencer!

A poopy-headed meany!

Narrator: Something sure was weird.

Kevin tried to figure
out what could get Pete

all pissed off like that,
when his old man showed up.

Hey boy, I been thinkin'
after all these years

I ain't been much of a dad.

So I'm changin'.

Here's a pack of smokes and
the phone numbers to all my

favorite hookers.

Let's be family again.

Narrator: Kevin didn't understand.

His old man was being real nice to him.

It was starting to make him kind of sick.

Then Slappy Bigelow came in.

[crash]

Hey Spencer!

Why we always fightin' with each other?

Why don't we cut a deal?

Narrator: That's when
Slappy pulled out a crude knife

he'd fashioned from an old toothbrush

and a broken razor blade.

It wasn't a ginsu, but it
could still chop three inmates

in under a minute.

[laughing]

This was terrible.

Slappy Bigelow had cut off Kevin's head.

Pete Wilcox wasn't sticking
up for him anymore.

And his old man seemed to care about him.

But worst of all, he suddenly realized

he wasn't wearing any pants.

That's when he decided
he must've been dreaming.

Oh, look!

The little vermin's waking up.

Thought we lost you, Spencer.

You were unconscious, and
we thought the electricity

had k*lled you.

But obviously you survived.

Guess we'd better turn the machine up.

[machine squeaks]

Narrator: The whole thing
as a pretty cool hallucination.

As he felt the current rattling his brain,

Kevin started to enjoy
the liberating sensation.

Even Alan seemed to be
adapting to the situation.

[giggles]

Righteous!

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[upbeat music]