01x03 - Life Lessons

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]
[laser beams zap]

[static crackling]
[rocket whooshing]

[lighter crackles]
[screaming]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath, sociopath ♪

[bright piano music]

- [Narrator] When Kevin was in grade six,

the school nurse sent him to the dentist,

because his parents had
never gotten around to it,

and because almost all of his teeth

were riddled with cavities,
and really stained

from all the cough syrup and nicotine.

- Mr. Spencer!
[dreamy music]

- [Narrator] Kevin thought
the dental hygienist

was prettier than all
the prostit*tes his dad

had ever brought home, put together.

- Hop on up here sport, and Dr. Melthorp

will be in to see you shortly.

[playful music]

- [Narrator] Kevin's parents
had never read to him,

or put puzzles together with him,

or anything else that required
Kevin to concentrate much.

So after about a minute
Kevin got real bored

because he had no attention span.

Kevin thought there were a lot

of really neat-looking things in the room.

He decided to steal what he could,

and play with the rest of it.
[water spraying]

[drill whirs]
[thumping]

[creaking]
[crashing]

Kevin heard footsteps
running towards his room.

[quick footsteps]

He wasn't done stealing stuff yet,

so he figured he better hop back

in the chair so he wouldn't get caught.

- Is everything alright in here Kevin?

Now, you be a good boy and stay

in the chair, and don't touch anything.

Some of the equipment in
here can be very dangerous.

[bubbling]
- Hey psycho!

Even if you were older,
she'd never go out with you.

I bet she's laughing at you right now,

because she thinks you're afraid
of all the dangerous stuff.

- If you want her to respect you,

go figure out what that mask is for.

- [Narrator] Kevin wasn't so
sure that was a good idea.

The hygienist had looked pretty serious.

- Go on, boy, what the hell
has she ever done for you?

- Please Kevin, go try on
the mask for me, please!

- [Narrator] "Come to think
of it," thought Kevin,

she never had done jack squat for him.

- Damn straight, now come on, let's you

and me get it on, crazy man.

- [Narrator] The mask was
hooked up to a big canister

of laughing gas.
[heavy breathing]

The gas made Kevin feel real light headed,

but because he was a
sociopath who was born

without the ability to feel emotion,

Kevin didn't even break a smile.

Allen sure had a good time, though.

[dreamy tune]
[whooshing]

- [Dental Hygienist] Kevin, Kevin!

- [Narrator] The
screaming dental hygienist

snapped Kevin back to reality right quick.

While the hygienist held his
arms, Dr. Melthorp yanked

the mask right off Kevin's face,

and turned off the
canister of laughing gas.

Allen was sad to see the good times end.

[low groggy tune]
- Aw, crap!

- Damn you, and damn your teeth and gums!

You can rot in hell with the non-flossers!

- [Narrator] Kevin spent
the rest of the morning

in a nearby park drinking
with some hobos and runaways.

He was still pretty mad at
the dentist for embarrassing

him in front of the hygienist,

and ruining any chance
he had of marrying her.

- Straighten things out.

- [Narrator] Kevin figured
he'd straighten things out,

so that night he broke
into the dentist's office,

and got himself good and
jacked up on laughing gas.

He figured that oughta learn
Dr. Melthorp a thing or two.

Then he broke a bunch of the machines,

and carved his father's
name into the wall,

figuring that the cops
would bust his old man,

and get the useless prick out
of his hair for a few months.

Kevin was about to leave, when
he found the medicine cabinet

with a bunch of little
bottles with rubber tops.

Kevin knew that the rubber
tops were used to fill needles,

because he recognized them
from the daily doses he used

to get when he was in
the mental institution.

Kevin didn't know what
Novocaine was, but he figured

if you take enough of anything, it's bound

to do something to ya.
[playful music]

Kevin figured he better get out

of there before the cops came,

but because he'd frozen all his limbs,

and his head, he couldn't move a muscle.

This really upset Kevin,
because he couldn't

lift his arms to light his smoke.

- Oh my lord!
- Do you think he's dead?

- [Narrator] Dr. Melthorp called

the police.
[emergency sirens]

It took the two cops about


Because Kevin was so
young, and really groggy

and disoriented, neither
of the cops expected him

to come up swinging.
[punch smashes]

Kevin landed a couple of real
sweet left hooks before one

of the cops cuffed him across the back

of the head, and put him in handcuffs.

[phone ringing]
When the police

phoned Kevin's parents
from the juvenile hall

to tell him what had happened,
Kevin's dad laughed so hard

that he woke up the hooker.
[laughing]

- Oh, what's so funny?
- My dumb boy,

don't matter how many
times I tell him the rules

of life, it just don't sink in

on account of his effing head's broken.

[mischievous music]

If you're stealing drugs or booze,

don't take it while you're still

in the building you broke into.

Go find a park or something.
[playful music]

[emergency sirens]
[alarm blares]

- [Narrator] A lot had gone
on during the two weeks

Kevin was in psychiatric isolation.

The prisoners had formed a Union,

because they weren't
happy with their food,

living conditions, and
basic cable package.

Everyone was tense, and the prison warden

was afraid that a riot might break out.

Kevin didn't much give a damn,

since the living conditions were

better than they were at his house,

and their TV hadn't worked in nine years!

But Kevin went along with everyone,

because he wanted to fit in,

and because the whole riot
idea sounded like fun.

- Everyone shut the damn well up,

or I'll gut stab you with my shiv.

We're here to elect the union president.

I nominate Slappy Bigalow!

Before Slappy gives his speech,

I'd just like to take
this opportunity to say

that if anyone opposes the nomination,

I'll gut stab them with my shiv!

- [Narrator] Slappy had returned

from the prison hospital
while Kevin was in isolation.

Slappy was still pretty
sore from the beating

Kevin's best friend, Pete
Wilcox, had laid on him.

[background conversation]
He was plenty angry as well.

Slappy had heard about
Kevin taking control

of the black market trade
while he was in the hospital,

and Slappy aimed to set things straight,

so he'd be the big shot again.

- Nice to see all you folks again!

As your union representative,
I'll take affirmative action

and work in conjunction with the warden

and the penal system as a whole.

[crowd boos]
In my endeavor

to improve living
conditions, I'll demand an

increase in wages for the laundry

and machine job guys, up to $1.50 a day.

This increase will cover almost

all my kickback money,
leaving the working man

with more disposable income for smokes,

and subscriptions to the
porno magazines of his choice.

- Sweet.
- I will take the initiative

to have the number of
conjugal visits moved up

from once every three
months, to 10 times a week.

For those of you who haven't
yet found a desperate pen pal,

or who don't have a legion
of groupies attracted

to their twisted celebrity
because of the heinous nature

of their crime, I'll see
if I can get some hoes.

[crowd cheers]
I will also demand

that the warden subscribe
to the MeTV package,

giving us access to 16 new channels

that can only enrich our lives and aid in

our rehabilitation.
Now, on the subject

of bootleg liquor!
[playful music]

- [Narrator] The other inmates seemed

really excited by Slappy's ideas.

This yanked Kevin's chain,
because he really enjoyed all

the extra cash and stuff he got
from controlling the prison.

Normally, no one would
have sided with Slappy,

because Kevin's friend Pete would have

knocked them three ways sideways.

But Pete was still in the psychiatric ward

for holding down the guard Kevin attacked,

and because he thought
he was a Border Collie,

and kept trying to herd the
other prisoners like sheep.

Kevin figured he'd better
do something right quick,

so he snuck out of the meeting

and went back to the cell block.

Kevin went through all the
other prisoners' cells,

and stole their porno magazines,
smokes and family pictures.

He kept a few of the
nice ones for himself,

and then hid the rest in Slappy's cell.

Kevin figured that oughta
straighten things out.

Kevin was getting pretty close to puberty,

and because his old man
didn't want him turning g*y,

he decided to take the boy on a

hunting trip to learn how to k*ll things.

- This here's the
trigger, alls you gotta do

is just keep pulling it,
and pointing the g*n.

Me, I find it helps to swing
the barrel around a lot

so you make sure you hit something.

That's why we use automatic weapons.

[g*n loads and clicks]
[rapid g*nf*re]

- Keep it the Christ down!
Aw, Jesus, Percy!

You remembered our effing anniversary.

- Don't let no one ever tell
ya I don't love your old lady.

Now here, you practice while I tear

a quick one off with your mother.

[harp strums]
[upbeat banjo tune]

- Top me up, Phil.
- Geez, we oughta do this

more than once a year!
- g*ns, booze, and no broads!

You tell me this ain't the high life,

and I'll kick your a*s clean off.

- Top me up, Phil.

- After you, I'd cut me off.

The prick said I've made
no effort to find a job.

- Ain't no jobs there for a man

that wants to do an honest day's work,

because the immigrants took them all.

That's why I ain't had
no job for seven years.

- How old's your boy, Percy?

- I don't know, 10, 12 maybe?

- Yeah it's time he learns some hunting.

- Make him a man is what it's gonna do.

- Damn straight. Top me up, Phil.

[g*nshots]
[hollering and cheering]

[crashing]
[g*nshots]

[hollering and cheering]
- Nice shot, Phil.

Alright boy, the first
thing you do whenever

you go hunting, is sleep off all

the booze you drank driving up to camp.

See ya in the morning.
[upbeat country tune]

[g*nshots]
[birds chirping]

[owl hooting]
[g*nshots]

- [Charlie] Good job
boy, you keep practicing!

[g*nshots]

- [Narrator] Kevin had
stayed awake all night,

because he was scared by
all the strange new sounds

around him, and because
every couple of hours,

one of his dad's friends would wake up

to go to the bathroom,
and fire off a few rounds

just for kicks.
[g*nshots]

Kevin's dad and his friends
woke up just before noon,

and settled in to have a big breakfast

and some boiler makers
just to take the edge off.

Kevin was pretty excited, he was really

looking forward to
sneaking through the woods,

trying to find things to sh**t.

He told everyone how excited he was.

Dad and his friends all laughed.

- Ain't you taught the boy nothing, Percy?

- He's young yet, and his
head don't work right besides.

That's why he's always in
and out of the nut house.

- Good thing you brought him along

since we can learn him a thing or two.

Make sure the boy grows up normal.

- Kevin's old man and
his friends told Kevin

that hiking through the
woods carrying all the g*ns

and stuff was too much like work,

and if they wanted to work
then they'd have jobs.

- Trick is to let the
animals do the work for ya.

That's what separates us
from them: we're smart.

- Phil and Charlie set up four lawn chairs

in front of the cabin, while
Kevin's dad moved the fridge

outside so they wouldn't
have to get up for more beer.

- Deers like salt, so the
trick is to make a really

big pile that they can't resist.

- If all you gotta do is
sit in the chair and wait

for them to come, you can get
a lot more drinking done than

if you had to go through the
woods and try and find them.

- [Dad] Look at this, boy.
[laughter]

Watch how high Phil can jump!
[rapid g*nf*re]

- Mind you don't break my
beer, you stupid dings!

[laughter]
[g*nshots]

- [Narrator] It was almost
four in the afternoon,

and not a single deer had shown up.

Kevin was pretty disappointed.

The other guys didn't
seem to mind as much,

but Kevin had figured that was

because they had been hunting plenty

of times before, and were used to it.

And because they were all so
loaded that they'd pretty much

forgotten why they were there anyway.

- Hey Percy, 10 bucks says you can't

sh**t the side mirror of the car!

[rapid g*nf*re]

- [Charlie] Good thing the car's stolen!

I'd hate like hell for that to be mine.

[chair thuds]

- Don't look like no deer are coming.

Let's go into town and
get some prostit*tes!

[upbeat banjo music]

[laughter]
- Kevin's dad said he'd have

to stay behind, because he was just a kid,

and because he only had
enough money for one hooker.

Kevin had nothing else
to do, so he decided

to have a few drinks and
practice his marksmanship.

But pretty soon he got
bored sh**ting stuff

that didn't move.
[harp strums]

- Ostriches are your
dad's favorite animal!

- Kevin figured he'd straighten
things out right quick,

so he hitchhiked 70 miles to
explore Ed's Safari World,

and whacked an ostrich in only 47 shots.

[g*nshots]
Kevin figured he could

have it stuffed and give it
to his dad for Father's Day.

[playful music]

[ominous music]
- Aha, now we're

making progress!
Do you see, Kevin?

k*lling the ostrich was a cry for help!

On the one hand, because of
your father's abandonment,

your ego sought revenge by
destroying something he'd love.

Yet on the other hand,
that very act of destroying

was in your mind a step
to vote reconciliation.

That was your head at work,
directing an act whereby you

could present your father with a gift

of his favorite animal
in the hope that he would

in turn grant you the
affection and love you wanted.

- [Narrator] Mr. Franklin sure

liked to use a lot of big words.

Kevin wasn't very good
with big words, so instead

of paying attention, Kevin just
nodded his head up and down

like he was listening, and
thought about all the good times

he was going to have when
he got out of prison.

[dramatic piano tune]
[expl*si*n]

[sensual music]

- Boy, it sure gets hot
doing your taxes all day.

- Yes, yes it does, because you're so hot.

Why don't you take off your shirt,

while I discuss something with
my maid over by the couch?

- I'm very hot as well, I think
I'll take my shirt off also.

- We are all hot.
- It is also very hot work,

working as an assistant tax auditor.

- Maybe you should take your pants off.

I will take mine off as well,

so you won't feel uncomfortable.

- I think that will make me hotter.

[moaning]

- [Narrator] Because Kevin
liked the fictional world

in his head a whole lot more than reality,

he figured he was real lucky
to be doing 25 to life,

because that left him
plenty of thinking time.

[exciting music]

- Come on, daddy needs
a new carton of smokes!

[angry clucking]

Peck him in the head, you dumb nasty.

Peck him in the head!
Chickens are so stupid.

- [Narrator] Kevin and Allen sure had

some good times together.

Kevin remembered when he was younger,

and he thought everyone
had an imaginary friend,

and that everyone could see Allen as well.

He also remembered the day
he learned that wasn't true,

and that his brain didn't work

like the other kids' brains did.

[suspenseful music]

[children laughing]
[playful music]

It was the second week of grade five.

Kevin thought he was the
coolest guy in school,

because he was bigger
than all the other kids,

and because this was his third time

in grade five, so he figured

he'd know more, and be a lot smarter

than his classmates, except for

[glass shattering]
the ones who could read.

The first week of school
had gone by really quickly,

because Kevin had skipped it,
and stayed at home smoking

and watching Showgirls over
and over again with his dad.

Kevin figured if he sat
at the back of the room,

Mrs. Kilbourn wouldn't see him,

and he wouldn't be called
on to answer any questions.

It would've been a pretty good plan

if Kevin wasn't a foot
taller than everyone else.

- I'd like everyone to
welcome our new student,

back for another kick at
the can: Kevin Spencer.

- [Narrator] Not many of the
kids waved or looked at him,

because they all
remembered him as the bully

from last year who'd
beaten most of them up

at one time or another, because
the people he really wanted

to hit were a lot bigger than him.

It was only five minutes past nine,

and Kevin was already bored,
because he'd lost track

of the lesson plan on
account of his hangover,

and his short attention span.

- [Allen] Hello, is Kevin home?

It's me Allen, Allen the Magic Goose!

Can Kevin come out to play, hello?

- [Narrator] Kevin wanted
this to be his last year

of grade five, so he tried to
force Allen out of his head,

and concentrate on what
the teacher was saying.

- I've got cough syrup and smokes,

and two front row tickets to Showgirls!

Ooh look, Elizabeth
Berkley's shirt got wet,

and she doesn't have a clean one!

I wonder what she's gonna do?

- [Narrator] Kevin figured a few minutes

of Showgirls wouldn't hurt him
if he buckled down afterwards

and focused really hard on his studies.

[upbeat music]
[clock ticking]

- That's it for today, kids!

Remember your homework, neatness counts.

Also, the three students whose turn it is

for show and tell tomorrow
are Debbie Murphy,

John Rocks, and Kevin Spencer.

- [Narrator] Kevin had forgotten
all about show and tell,

just like he had the last two years.

[mischievous music]

That night at the dinner
table, he asked his parents

if they had any ideas
about what he could bring.

- Hey, I know, why don't
you parade your useless,

unemployed as*h*le of a
father in front of your class?

You can show all the kids what impotence

and no job skills looks like.

- Hey boy, anyone in your class ever asked

what a washed up rodeo
clown groupie looks like

after it gains about a hundred pounds?

Because brother, have I
got a specimen for you!

- [Narrator] Kevin figured
that the next time he wanted

some advice, he'd wait until
his parents were done fighting.

[crashing]
[glass shattering]

That night Kevin lay in bed

with his stomach full of butterflies.

He really wanted the kids
in his class to like him,

and he figured it would help
a lot if he brought something

for show and tell that was
really cool and impressed them.

It was a little after two in

the morning when it came to him.

Kevin had thought of the
perfect thing to bring!

He slept really soundly
for the rest of the night.

- Thank you John, your
grandfather's Purple Heart

and the story of his courage will

inspire us all for years to come.

- [Narrator] Kevin was really happy.

He was sure that what he brought would

impress the kids way more than a medal.

He just hoped it would be better

than what Debbie had brought.

He was pretty nervous, but
the cough syrup helped.

- Debbie, you may begin!
[upbeat music]

- These are some of my
friends, the pre-fabricated

one hit wonders, and the
same thing, only with girls!

And that guy over there is
the NBA scoring champion,

but he's hard to see because he's behind

the archbishop's big hat.
Any questions?

- [Narrator] Debbie's turn had lasted

for over two hours because
the kids and Mrs. Kilbourn

were so excited, and
had so many questions.

After things finally calmed down,

Mrs. Kilbourn sent
everyone out for recess,

and told Kevin they would begin

with his show and tell subject
when everyone returned.

Debbie had really pulled
out all the stops.

Kevin was really nervous, so
during recess he knocked back

half a bottle of prescription cough syrup,

and k*lled a few smokes,
just to take the edge off.

By the time everyone returned to class,

Kevin was pretty loaded, and
he was feeling real confident.

- Kevin, you may begin!

- [Narrator] Kevin was
loaded more than he thought,

because he fell a few times on

his way up to the front of the class.

When he finally got
there, he turned around

to face everyone, and was
about to begin speaking

when he suddenly froze up
with self conscious fear.

"What if they don't
like it?" thought Kevin.

Part of him wanted to run
away and never come back.

But Kevin knew if he did this,

he would just end up dumb and
unemployed like his father.

[silly tune]
[loud flatulence]

Kevin decided to take a
deep breath and go for it.

He stepped off to one side,
and with a big, dramatic

sweep of his arm, he introduced
Allen the Magic Goose.

Kevin told everyone
about his friend Allen,

and about all the good times
they had together going

to ill*gal c*ck fights
and massage parlors.

Because Kevin was so
wired up on cough syrup,

he didn't notice all the kids
laughing at him right away.

Then Mrs. Kilbourn stepped in.

- That will be quite enough, young man.

I suppose you think this is funny?

Well, just you wait until I tell

your parents, I bet
they won't be laughing!

[laughter]
- It was a good thing

Mrs. Kilbourn hadn't put money on it.

- Oh Jesus, that's funny,
I wished I coulda seen it.

"Hi my name is Kevin,
and this is the goose

"that lives in my head, none of you

"can see him though,
because you're all sane!"

[laughter]
[coughing]

- His head's broken, has
been since he come out.

- I really don't think your
attitude is helping matters.

- Look at me everybody, I'm a magic goose!

[laughter]

- [Narrator] Kevin sure
didn't like the way

all his classmates and
parents had laughed at him,

so he decided that he'd
slash all the tires on

Mrs. Kilbourn's car,
because she was the one

who made him do show and tell.

Kevin figured that oughta
straighten things out.

[playful piano music]

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath, sociopath ♪

[cell door slams]
[upbeat music]