02x01 - Pigmallian/Bugs the Gladiator

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

PORKY: Many thanks.
Much obliged, ma'am.

-[MUNCHING]
-[RADIO CRACKLES]

CHIEF: Officer Horace.
Officer Horace.
Come in, Horace.

What is it, Chief?

CHIEF: There's
a rogue duck squatting
in the mall fountain.

-Get him out of there.
- You got it, Chief.

-[RADIO CRACKLES]
- Hey, Porky, you think you
could take care of this one?

Uh, but I just started to eat.

Look, Porky,
I'm bigger than you, okay?

And because I'm
bigger than you, I need
more food than you. Capisce?

[STAMMERING]

[SIGHS] Sure thing, Horace.

Thanks, Porky.
Hey, you got this, okay?

PORKY: Keep an eye
on my food for me.

Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Move along, everyone.
Nothin' to see here.

Excuse me, Mr. D...
[STAMMERING]

Shh! Do you mind?
My stories are on.

-[SAD MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
- I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

Can it wait
until the commercials?

I think Ronaldo
is about to confess.

- Hey!
- I'm sorry, Mr. Duck,
but you leave me no choice.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Whoo! That ending was
a real shocker. Whoo-hoo!

[GIGGLING] Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

- Get back here!
- Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

- You have to leave now.
- What's the rush?

DAFFY: You gotta stop
and pamper yourself
every once in a while.

Now you just sit there
and I'll make you beautiful.

[GASPS] Looks like
I spoke too soon.
You're perfect.

[MUFFLED]
My face is down here.

Oops, my mistake.

Yeesh! Looks like I've got
my work cut out for me.

Let's see. Gonna need
a lot of foundation.

A little rouge,
some lipstick...

Man, you still look terrible.

Wait a minute.
I'm not left-handed. Whoo-hoo!

Some eyeliner,
bit of mascara, and voila!

Hmm. Well, I tried.
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

[HORACE NEIGHING]

Well, well, well.
What do we have here?

You know, I happen to be
a very important person
around here.

I'd be more than happy
to show you around the place,
if you'd like.

Uh, Horace, it's me. Porky.

This never happened.
You hear me?

Don't just sit there
lookin' beautiful.
Get outta here!

This never happened.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!

- Yoo-hoo!
-[GRUNTING] Ahhh!

Oh. Baked honey ham.
Don't mind if I do.

[MACHINE HUMS AND DINGS]

Phew. It was like an oven
in there.

Whoo, you weren't kiddin'.
We've gotta cool your jets.

This oughta do it.

[GRUNTING]

Ew. We need to whip
you back into shape.

Pop a squat.

[GROANS]

This massage is just
what the ducktor ordered.

Let's try the Finnish fold.

[GROANING]

Or maybe some Swedish slaps.

[GRUNTING AND GROANING]

- The Hungarian headlock.
-[WHEEZING]

How about
the Turkish takedown?

[SCREAMS]

- Ooh, I know. The Bronx boot.
-[SHUDDERING]

[SCREAMS AND GRUNTS]

Feeling better?

I'd feel better
if you'd leave.

I don't have time to listen
to you drone on and on.

- Speaking of drones. Whoo-hoo!
-[ENGINE DRONING]

[GRUNTS]

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

- You're comin' with me.
- No, I'm not.

- What?
- I said, "No, I'm not."

Why not?

- Because you're
coming with me.
-[SCREAMS]

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

- Watch out for the...
- Whoo-hoo!

- Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
-[PORKY SCREAMING]

[SPLASHING]

Whoo-hoo.

- Ah!
- Aha! Got you now.

Au contraire.
Now I've got you. Whoo-hoo.

[BABBLING]

-[MUMBLING]
- Hey, you're a natural.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BABBLING]

[GROANING]

Time for the big finish.

Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
Just do what we do. Whoo-hoo!

-[GROANS]
-[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BABBLING] Huh?

[ALL CHEERING]

Horace, what are you doing?

What can I say?
I have an appreciation
for aquatic dancin'.

Enough of this.
We gotta get that...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I wouldn't wander off
too far, gentlemen.

You've got another show
starting in 15 minutes.

-[LAUGHING]
- This is our big break.

These two.

The bigger they are,
the harder they mall.

Get it? [LAUGHS]

This never happened.
[GROANS]

[DRUMS BEATING]

[YELLS AND GRUNTS]

[YELLS AND GRUNTS]

Mama! Oh my!
[SPEAKING SPANISH]

I am Cal,
the greatest gladiator
in all of Rome.

- The Colosseum is my zone.
-[SCREAMING]

-[THUDS]
-[CLATTERING]

- My Cal-zone.
-[RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]

[ALL GRUNT]

- Get out of my zone!
-[ALL SCREAMING]

Ahhh! [GRUNTS]

This helmet,
she saved my life.

- Ahhh!
- Boy, these Roman baths
sure are refreshin'.

I feel like
a freshly laundered toga.

What the...
Hey, watch it with that thing.

The impertinence.

You must be my next opponent.

Opponent? I'm just trying
to walk across the park here.

You are not in a park. You are
in my zone. My Cal-zone!

Actually, the Colosseum
is a common area.

-[DRUM ROLL]
- Emperor, should he stay
or should he go?

[DRUM ROLL STOPS]

He goes. He goes!

-[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

-[DRUMS BEATING]
- Looks like I can go now, doc.

If you just show me
the way out, I...

With pleasure. [GRUNTS]

And he begins his swing.

And it's a grand slam.

[SCREAMS AND GRUNTS]

Of course you knew.

This means ancient Roman w*r.

-[GRUNTING]
-[YAWNS]

When is that cappuccino break?

-[FANFARE]
- Huh?

I am Bugsis Bunnyus

and I am here
to reclaim my honor!

What? You're back?
No one reenters my Cal-zone.

-[SCREAMS]
-[GRUNTS]

- Ciao, bella.
-[GRUNTS]

- Here. You dropped this.
-Grazie, signore.

Give it another shot.
And try to focus this time.

-[GRUNTS]
- Oh, no, no, no.

Put your weight
into your back foot

and really
swing through it this time.

Grazie. [GRUNTS]

- That's better.
- Ouch.

I think you're gettin' it.

[GRUNTS] Time out. Time out.

I think I need a riposo.

Well, why didn't you say so?

I got a bed set up
for you right here.

- Now, just close your eyes
and rest your noodle.
- Mmm.

And off to dream land
you'll go.

Aw, he's already asleep.

Didn't even wait
for his lullaby.

[SCREAMS AND GRUNTS]

Where is that rabbit?
[MUMBLING IN ITALIAN]

- BUGS: There he is.
- Huh?

Our next contestant
on Rome's Got Talent,

-the talent show where
the next star of ancient Rome
-[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

-is just waiting
to be discovered.
-[GRUNTS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Yeah! Rome's Got Talent.
I love this show.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
He goes. He goes!

Wait, wait. Not yet.

- But I have no talent.
- Oh, come on, doc.

Everyone's got talent.
All's you gotta do
is sing and dance.

Then prepare yourselves for
singing at a higher Cal-iber.

[CROWD BOOING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ I like my pasta

♪ Mostly linguini

♪ Serve it al dente

♪ Please make it creamy ♪

- See, you're a natural.
Now try some dancing.
-[TRUCK REVERSING]

[SHRIEKS]
♪ I'm getting pinched
by a bunch of crabs

Ouch!
♪ Don't go down there

[YELPS]
♪ They went down there
[YELPS]

♪ Oh, no

♪ These crabs
are getting everywhere

♪ They're even
in my derriere ♪

- Boy, he really hits
the high notes.
-[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

Hey, look who's back.
Mr. Crabby Pants.

[GROWLS AND YELPS]

I will get that coniglio.

Time to get this pasta fazool
back to Sorrento.

- Where do you think
you're going?
- Hi-yah!

-[HORSE WHINNYING]
- Whoa!

-[YELLING]
-[BUGS EXCLAIMING]

Whoa!

-[GRUNTS]
- Whoa!

-[GRUNTS]
-[WATER RUSHING]

That's not good. [YELLS]

♪ There's a place in Rome
[SCATTING]

♪ All the boys call home
[SCATTING]

♪ There's a hole in the wall
[SCATTING]

-♪ Where you can Colosseum ♪
-[WOOD GROANING]

Time for you
to meet your maker.
[YELLS]

- Yikes!
-[CATAPULT FIRING]

[YELLING]

- Incoming!
-[SCREAMS]

Stop! You're destroying
the Colosseum!

[GRUNTS AND GROANS]

And I love it!

-[GIGGLING] Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
-[GRUNTS AND SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

[GIGGLING] Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

I goes! I goes!

Rome wasn't built in a day...

But it sure was
destroyed in one.

[GIGGLING] Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.