01x37 & 01x38 - Dad's Stache Stash/A Root Galoot

[bunniefuu]

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom.
[laughs]

This is my sister.
She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

* *

This is my show!

* *

- Leftover breakfast!

And we're having the best

leftovers of all!

Cold spaghetti!

Dig in!

[all sigh]

Uh, Dad, you weren't sucking

on the spaghetti pile at all.

Is something wrong?

- No, nothing's wrong, son.

I just didn't want
leftover spaghetti.

I wanted lasagna.

Let me just check
the ol' flavor saver.

Aha!

And a cup of leftover chowder.

[slurping]

- [gasps]

- Yummy!
- Oh, yummy and handsome!

Your father just looks
just so grown-up

with his mustache.

- Oh, do I have a mustache yet?

- Let me take a look.

Hmm, nope.

You're smoother
than a baby's bottom.

[slurps]
And so am I.

[snickers]
- Dad, why does GrandPat

have a mustache,

and you have a mustache,

and even Mom has a mustache?

- Ooh!

- And Squidina too!

When am I gonna
get my own mustache?

- Well, I was gonna
wait till you were older,

but, uh, come to think of it,

I was about your age
when I got my first mustache.

So today's your lucky day.

Behold!
- Ooh!

- The Star Family
'Stache Stash!

- Wow!

Whoa!

Waweewa!

- Countless generations

of Star men, women, and beyond

all have their mustaches
immortalized here.

- How do you pronounce this?

- "Cousin Fred."

- Oh, makes sense.

- All of these mustaches
are yours to wear.

- Wow...

even that one?

[thunder booms]

- Oh, that mustache...

that mustache

must never be worn.

- W--w--what do you mean?

[horror music]

- Oh, nothing.

Well, I gotta go groom
my mustache for ten hours,

leaving you
completely unsupervised.

Have fun.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- [laughs evilly]

[suspicious music]

* *

- [suave voice] Showtime.

Hmm?
Radical.

Bodacious.

[normal voice] What else
can these puppies do?

[Viking w*r horn blares]

Ooh, the Viking.

Her dee, her dee, herdee.
- Whoa!

- [yodels]

The Handlebar...

[motorcycle revving]

Hee, hee, hee, hee!

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

The Surrealist.

[grunting]

The Roosevelt!
Gah!

["Hail to the Chief"
by James Sanderson]

[gasps]
Ah!

Big stick!

[grunting]

- Oh!
Ow.

[laughs]

Kids and their mustaches.

- This 'stache.

This 'stache!

These!

Those and dad 'stache

and bad 'stache!

Moose 'stache!

- Err?
- Big 'stache.

Small 'stache.

All 'stache!

[panting]
Well,

that's all of 'em.

Hmm?

Or almost all of them...

[suspicious music]

* *

What's the worst
that can happen?

[grunts]
[glass shatters]

[screams]

[sinister laughter]

[sinister laughter]

- Why are you
laughing like that?

- No reason.

- And why are you dressed
like an old-timey villain?

- No reason.

- And what are you doing
with that rope?

[all grunting]

- [laughs sinisterly]

[grunts]

[sinister laughter]

- Really?

Tying people
to railroad tracks?

Hasn't this been done before?

- Oh, it's been done before--

done to death!

[sinister laughter]

Hey, everybody!

If you're just joining us,

my guest today
is Rube Goldfish.

- Hey, y'all.

- So Rube,

what are your thoughts
on trains?

- Trains?
Oh, boy,

I love trains!

In fact, I wish I was
on a train right now.

- Ooh, how about under one?

- Under a train?

Now, why would I--

whoa!

- Mwah!
- Wee!

Huh?
Whoa!

- Ha ha ha.

[train honking]
- Huh?

Oh, boy!

That's a train horn
if I ever heard one.

- [sinister laughter]

Next up on the program--

a magic trick!

[all cheer]

To perform said trick,

I'll need four victims--

I mean, volunteers...

[all cheer]

Excellent!

Ready, folks?

[all cheer]

Abracadabra!

[giggles]

[suspenseful music]

[trumpet reveal]

[suspenseful music]

[watch ticking]

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a train to catch.

[sinister laughter]

- Are you all as excited

as I am about the train?

[all groan]

- Looking good.

Whoops,
just one last tweak.

[strand yoinks]

Perfection.

Now to check in on Patrick.

[mustache alarm buzzes]
Heavens!

The mustache signal!

Then there must be
mustache-related danger!

[railroad crossing dinging]
Ooh?

Trouble on the train tracks?

[grunts]
Mustache activate!

[grunts]

* *

Huh?

* *

[radar beeps]
Victims!

* *

My family and friends,

don't worry, I'm going to stop

that train before it gets here.

- That's great, Dad,

but maybe you could pull us

off the tracks first?

You know, just in case?

- I would, but that
would strip this story

of any sense
of suspense or danger.

- Honey, seriously?

- Look,
I understand your concern,

but I need you all
on the tracks for motivation.

- Why would anyone wanna stop

a train?

- [laughs]
Rube gets it.

[train honks]

Everybody, hang tight!

[sinister laughter]

[train honks]

- Go, go,
mustache gorilla dash!

[grunting]

[sinister laughter]

[mustache alarm buzzes]
Egad!

The mustache signal!

Hmm?
[grunts]

- [grunting]

- Oh?

Phew.

[mustache cloud booms]
- [snickers]

[old-timey suspenseful music]

Whoever you are,

stop this train at once!

- Never!

- [screams]

[pile squelches]

- [sinister laughter]

- [gasps]
Patrick!

I warned you about that

particular mustache.

Now--now--now,
just take it off, son.

- Poppycock!

- Uh-oh!

- [giggles]

Huh?

[grunts]

- [grunts]

[growls]

[screams]

- [screams]

* *

- Hmph, back in my day,

you never waited this long

to get run over by a train.

[both grunting]

- Whoa!

[grunts]

- [sinister laughter]

- Young man,
there is nothing funny

about irresponsible
mustache behavior.

[grunts]

- [grunts]

Unhand me, you misanthrope!

[clippers buzz]

* *

Yow!

- He who giveth

can taketh awayeth!

- G--get back!

Back, you fiend!
[screams]

[clippers buzzing]

[chomp clanking]

[screams]

I like bubbles.

- Welcome back, Patrick.

- Ooh!
That train's getting

awfully close.

[train honks]
- Toot, toot!

[laughs]

[all scream]

- Well, son, I hope

you'll take your next mustache

a little more seriously.

[all screaming]

both: Huh?
- I almost forgot!

We gotta stop this silly thing!

- Oh!

- Oh!
Oh, no!

The brake broke!

all: Aw!

[all screaming]

[old-timey suspenseful music]

- I hope my 'stache
can handle this!

[grunts]

[mustache and tracks grinding]

[train honking]

[all screaming]
- Amazing!

- [screaming]

- [grunting]

[train screeches]

- Whoo-hoo!

- Guess I picked the wrong day
to groom my mustache.

[laughter]

Hey, how about a family photo?

- Okay,

ready?

Say "cheese!"

all: Cheese!

[train honks]

[happy music]

["The Thieving Magpie"
by Gioachino Rossini]

* *

- Today,

on "Pardon My Garden"...

- [burps]

- We shall explore the joys

of gardening

at home!

I find the hardest part

is getting through
all this carpet,

these stubborn floorboards,

and don't get me started

on all this pesky plumbing!

Tee-hee.
- Patrick,

don't you think
we should film outside?

- Why?

- The light in here is bad.

[electricity crackling]

- You try living
on 40 watts a day.

- Wow, the floor

is much softer out here,

and once we've dug out hole,

we plant a little seed.

- Hey!
- [munches]

[burps]

- Hmm.

Ooh?

[grunting]

[screams]

- [chomping]
- [screams]

- [screams]

- [grunts]
Get thee back, dirt demon!

- [growls]
Fiddle leedle lee!

- Huh?

- I am not your enemy.

A magical Shmandrake root
is what I be!

- Whoa, cool!

Mom!
Dad!

GrandPat!

[audible ruckus]

I found a talking vegetable.

Can I keep him?

all: Ooh!

- Faddle lee la
and fiddle lee low!

I lived my poor life
underground don't 'cha know?

But if you let me

stay in your home

and feed me fine dish,

I'll grant
a single one of you

a wish!

all: Ooh!

- Wait a minute!

Which one of us gets the wish?

- Why, whoever becomes

my favorite.

[overlapping chatter]

[accordion music]

[moans]

- [grunting]

- Ooh, pie?

- [grunting gibberish]

Chair massage?

- File your tendrils?

Ooh.

- Ah...

- Ooh!
- Huh?

- Say, Shmandrake,

would you like this fat,
juicy, delicious fly?

- [buzzing]
[squelches]

- [grunts]
Without gravy?

[snaps fingers]

- Never forget the gravy, son.

Foinsap!

- [yawns]

You folks are okay!

Fiddle to the la

and fiddle lee lee!

It's time for me

to catch some Zs!

Now, if you please,

make like a tree,

and, uh, get out of here.

all: Whatever you say,
Shmandrake!

[all giggling]
- I'm gonna get me

that wish-wish-wish.

- [snoring]

[suspenseful music]

[blows raspberry]

[snores]

- Wee-oo, wee-oo, way!

[moans]

My wish is to be
left all alone.

Whoa,

ooh.
[echoes] Hello?

Anyone out there?

Oh!
- Fiddle lee he he!

Alone you be!

[laughs]

- [sighs]
Thanks, Shmandrake.

[accordion music]

- My wish is to become
a four star chef

with six arms!

[oven dings]

* *

- Bravo!

You're on fire, amigo!

- [sighs]

I'm on fire.

Thanks, Shmandrake.

Hmm...

- [humming]

My wish is to be a superhero!

[grunts]

[heroic music]

* *

- [grunts]
Wee!

Whoo!

Wee!

[grunts]

Thanks, Shmandrake!

Oh!
[loud crash]

[grunting]

[calm music]

- My wish would be,

uh,

uh...

- Well, what's your wish?

- Uh, I wish that
you would tell me my wish!

- You know what would be
really smart?

If you go ask for your wish

before someone else does!

I know a cute little dude

like him is gonna listen.

- [munching]

- Hey, Shmandrake!

- Huh?

- Could I--
[punch dings]

Pretty, pretty please--

get that wish now?

- Get off the TV!

- [shouts] Is over here better?

- [growls]
[doorbell rings]

both: Huh?

- * Pizza delivery *

- Oh, boy, I'm starving!

- This ain't a Patrick pizza.

It's a Shmandrake pie.

- [blows raspberry]

[gobbles]
- Ha ha, how is it?

- It's good.

- Yippee!

[laughs]

- But not wish-granting good!

[sad music]

[gobbling]
- D'oh!

I gotta do something good

to get that wish.

Ooh...

[bell dings]
I'm gonna need my thinking cap

for this one.

Hmm...

- [belches]

- Oh, Shmandrake!

Your mud bath is ready.

Ooh...

Why would he want this?

- I love a mud bath!

But I hate those stairs.

[horror music]

* *

- No problem, Shmandrake.

I'll carry you up.

[grunting]
Someone's a big boy.

Um, how was that?

- Nice, but, uh,

a bit bumpy.

Wah, ah!

- Oh, um,

please be careful
with that mud,

won't you, Shmandrake?

- I like mud.

- Wha--
er...

Why, so do I, Shmandrake.

So you just keep

splishing and splashing

and having a ball.

- I will.

[laughs]

- [laughs]

- [chomps]

[gulps]
- Can I get that wish now?

- Hmm,

no.
- [whimpers]

- [chomps]

- Can I get that wish now?

- No.

[chomps]

- Can I get that wish now?

- No!

- [weakly] Can I...

- [sighs]
Get that...

- [pants]
Wish now?

[all grunt]

- Uh, I'm not exactly done
being pampered.

- I could not agree more,
Shmandrake!

You deserve to be...
d'uh,

to have--

to, uh...

Squidina, I need your help!

How do impress Shmandrake?

- Look, Patrick,

this books says Shmandrake

is just a little jerk

who never grants wishes.

It's just a trick, so people

will wait on him hand and foot.

- You think if I wait on his

shoulders, spine, and back too,

he might grant my wish?

- [groans]
[screams]

- Great idea, sis!

Shmandrake would love that.

[giggles]
- [grunts]

- Huh?
- [screams]

- Ah!
- [grunts]

How did you like that?

The scream and the sheet
were my idea--

and totally not Squidina's.

- [shouts] Why in the barnacles
would I like that?

Ooh...

what is this thing?

- It's a bed

with sunlight.

- Hmm,

I don't get
any sunlight underground.

Let me on it!

- All yours, buddy.

[grunting]

So

can I get that wish now?

- Scram!

- [whimpers]

- [grunts]
Mm...

[all groan]

- Spoiling Shmandrake
makes me so...

[grunts]

- [snoring]
- Gotta get my...

[all snoring]

- [sniffs]
Mmm.

[laughs]

What's that heavenly aroma?

[suspenseful music]

[all gasp]

- We barbecued him!

- There goes all our wishes!

[cries]

- There, there, son.

Hey, maybe we've learned
a valuable lesson here.

[both sniff]
Say,

that does smell delicious.

[all sniff]

all: Mmm...

- Let's eat it!

- [divine vocalizing]

- Yah!
- Mmm, kind of nice

having him feed us
for a change, ha ha.

- It sure is!

Huh?
- [screams]

You maniacs!

You ate me!

[screams] Why?

[crying]

I can't believe
they were so selfish!

[cries]
[grunts]

- End of the line, Shmandrake.

Give me that wish,

or you're going back



- Whatever you want, kid.

- I wish we never found you

in the first place.

- Ah.
[laughs]

Fiddle dee doo--
[laughs]

Fiddle dee done!

- Wow, the floor is

much softer out here,

and once we've dug our hole,

we plant a little seed.

- Phew.
- Hey, look what I found!

- Huh?

- A genie's lamp!

- [groans]

I wish this cartoon

was over already.

[lamp's sparkles jingle]