01x11 & 01x13 - Just in Time for Christmas/Klopnodian Heritage Festival

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, I'm Patrick Star,

and I live with my parents.

Ow.

This is my dad.

[upbeat music]

This is my mom.

This is my sister.

She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room.

And this

this is my show!

[festive music]

- [humming melody]

Yep.

[chainsaw buzzing]

- [screams]

- Merry Christmas.

[electricity crackles]

- [screams]

[electricity crackling]

[grunts]

[laughs]

- Huh?

Odds Bodkins!

A severed telephone pole?

Why, that means

it's Christmas Eve!

I'm missing it!

[screams]

- Hmm.

- Hey!

Oh!

- [buzzing and grunting]

- Oh, yay!

- Yay!

Nice job

lighting the star, son.

- Ugh.

Whee.

- Don't hog the punch, dear.

Get your presents for everyone

and put them under the pole.

- And we're all expecting

better gifts this year,

big brother.

They better be awesome.

- Ooh.

[soft dramatic music]

Oh, no.

I forgot

to get anyone anything.

There's gotta be gifts

around here somewhere.

Huh?

[chuckles]

Mm.

[grunts]

[chuckles]

Half-chewed candle, gift!

Fully-chewed candle, gift!

Ooh, petrified underwear.

Gift!

Gift, gift, gifty gift

Gonna give a gift --

Ow!

- [barking]

- What's that, boy?

You say you stopped me

because I'm

about to give my family

garbage for Christmas?

- [barks]

- You're right, Ouchie.

I gave everyone

the same garbage last year.

You heard Squidina.

This year has to be awesome.

Oh, if only I had more time.

- [barks]

- Oh, yeah!

The time closet

will give me enough time

to find perfect Christmas gifts

for everybody.

[laughs]

[chuckles]

First, I'll get Dad

the latest shaver

from the future.

Boop, boop, boop, boop,

beep, bop, bop.

[soft dramatic music]

- Uh-huh, mm-hmm.

Look alive, Pat-Tron.

We need a Christmas tree,

and this planet

is crawling with them.

Behold!

Hm?

- Wild trees

are very dangerous, Captain.

According to my calculations,

your only chance of cutting

them down is with one of these.

- Put that baby toy away,

Pat-Tron,

and watch in awe as I hogtie

these prickly beasts

with my bare musclebound hands.

[grunting]

[screams]

Ah!

Whoa!

[grunting and screaming]

- Greetings, future guy!

Can you help me?

I'm looking

for the latest electric shaver

to give my stubbly old Dad

for Christmas.

- Oh, give him this.

Captain Quasar doesn't need it.

It'll shave anything.

It's cutting edge technology.

- Wow, thanks!

- Mistletoe proximity alert.

- Hm?

Oh.

[romantic music]

Well, nice doing business

with you too.

- Ow, ow, ooh, ah.

Ugh, ah, ow.

Pat-Tron, forget what I said.

I need the laser!

Pass me the laser!

Baby wants his laser!

[screams]

- Dad's gift is in the bag.

Next on the list is GrandPat.

Hm, I wonder

what old people like?

- Who hungry?

Me cook food with fire.

Me got pterodactyl wings

and dino egg omelets,

all with a side order of fire!

So come on down

to Caveman Jenkins Farms

or Sun God will destroy us all

with fire!

- Come to

Caveman Jenkins Farms

where our motto is

- Fire!

[laughs]

- I bet GrandPat

would love some vintage food

from his old neighborhood.

Leedle, leedle, leedle, lee!

[bluegrass music]

- [grunts]

- [moos]

- [screams]

- That looks--ooh.

Mmm, lizardy.

I don't think

anybody would mind

if I took just one little egg.

- [clucks]

- [screams]

- [clucks]

- Ah, perfect!

Now it'll be easy

to grab an egg!

- [clucks]

- Shh!

I guess it takes a smart cookie

to fool a dumb animal.

Hm?

- [squawks aggressively]

- [chuckles]

[screams]

I didn't mean you!

[screams]

- [screeches]

I spy mistletoe.

Mwah!

- Yuck!

Why does everyone

keep kissing me?

- [barking]

- Ow!

Oh, you're right, Ouchie.

I do need to stay focused.

Hm, Mommy is next on the list,

and this year,

I want to give her

something really fun.

What did she

always used to say?

- There's no place more fun

than a carnival.

- Thanks, Mom.

- You're welcome, dear.

Ooh, mistletoe!

Mwah.

[laughs]

- Mom!

Beep, boop, boop.

Cool, smells like freaks.

The Bearded Blowfish?

Cool.

The SpongeKrab Twins.

What?

Fiji Mermaid?

Now I've seen everything.

Mom was right.

This is really fun.

Aw, but I still don't know

what she wants for Christmas.

The Tattooed Fish?

I'll get Mom a new tattoo

for Christmas!

- Ooh!

Break time.

- [chuckles]

- Mmm.

- Ow!

Man, getting a tattoo hurts.

- We're under the mistletoe.

How dare you?

- How dare who?

- [chattering]

- Hello there, cutie pie!

Aw, you look like

a perfect gift for Squidina,

and you just saved me

another trip.

I did it, Ouchie.

I got something

for everyone on my list.

I gotta get these gifts

under the pole.

- [French accent]

The next morning.

- I hope you all

like your gifts.

- Ooh.

- It's an electric razor

from the future, Dad.

- Hey.

Wow!

Now that's a close shave.

Thanks, son.

- Ugh, I hope it's not

another chewed up candle.

A dinosaur egg?

I haven't had

a pterodactyl omelet

since I was a cave boy.

Thank you, grandson.

- [caws]

- Oh!

[grunting]

[relaxing lullaby]

Wake me

when it's New Year's.

- Merry Christmas, Mom.

- Ooh!

A new tattoo?

[gasps]

How did you know?

- I love your gift,

big brother!

I'm calling him Maurice.

I've already taught him

a few tricks.

[whistles]

- [chattering]

- What I don't understand

is where you got

all the money to pay

for these extravagant gifts.

- Yeah, right?

[laughs]

What's money?

- That kid

stole my Laser Phaser!

- That kid stole my tattoo!

- He steal egg.

- [squawk]

- Oh,

so that's how you got 'em.

[together]

And we want 'em back.

- Happy holidays,

time travelers!

You're just in time

to open your presents.

- Gifts for us?

- Oh, you didn't

have to do that.

- Fire?

all: It's what I always wanted!

all: Thank you, Patrick!

- I'm glad somebody appreciates

my thoughtful gifts.

all: Patrick's under

the mistletoe.

- Stay away from me.

Stay away.

[screams]

- Oh, Patrick, if you don't

want people to kiss you,

don't wear a mistletoe hat.

- Oh, huh, I thought it was

because I'm so handsome!

Thanks, sis.

- Oh, whoa, ah, ah!

- Photo time!

Everybody say,

"Merry Christmas".

all: Merry Christmas!

[upbeat music]

- This is Perch Perkins

coming to you live

from the umpteenth annual

Klopnodian Heritage Festival!

Here you can taste

strange foods,

play bizarre games,

and ogle the freaky costumes

on display in broad daylight.

So bring the whole family down,

gawk at the screwballs,

and maybe try

a traditional fried mud pie.

Good Neptune!

That's real mud!

[laughter]

- I'm so happy to be sharing

my Klopnodian culture

with my family.

- According to this pamphlet,

Klopnod is the silliest place

in the ocean.

- And the weakest too.

In the 12th century,

my army invaded

and conquered Klopnod

in half a day.

- It says here

that your army lost,

and they named

a cream puff after you.

- GrandPat cream puffs.

Get your GrandPats here!

- More like cream tough!

Well!

- And here we have some more

traditional Klopnod dishes.

Hundred-year-old bread.

- [chomps]

- Phony bologna.

- Ah.

[grunting and struggling]

[grunting]

Whoa.

- Ow, my leg!

- And this one is my favorite.

Rock Soup.

- Uh

- Oh, Bunny?

Is it okay if I wear this

"Kiss me, I'm Klopnodian" shirt

if I'm not Klopnodian?

- No, wait, stop!

I'm married!

[screams]

- I'll show these Klops

who won the w*r!

- My other leg!

- Ugh!

[grunting]

Hm?

Name a cream puff

after me, will you?

- Loser!

Hmmph!

- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- Hey, kids, I've got

a wonderful surprise for you.

You're going to be initiated

into the wonderful ways

of Klopnod.

It's what we call Gashpluckt.

I'm so proud of you two,

participating in

this family tradition

just like I did as a child.

- Father and son, come with us.

- Mother and daughter,

come with us.

[together]

Uh

- This is The Flop Sweat Lodge.

Klopnodian males

are afraid of everything,

and so we sweat.

This practice

is called Gaplork.

Now, let us perspire.

- [shivers]

- What's the matter, son?

Go ahead and sweat.

- Mm.

I can't do it.

[whispers inaudibly]

- Oh.

It seems the boy is sweat shy.

Would you mind turning away?

[grunt together]

- [inhales deeply]

[grunting and straining]

- Phew.

[together]

Mm-mm.

[dramatic folk music]

- In Klopnod, it is tradition

that only women folk

are allowed to swat sea flies.

The reason has been lost

to the ages.

We call this practice Foinsapp.

- Ooh.

- Uh

- It takes skill and artistry.

Observe.

- Oh!

[together]

Foinsapp!

- Foinsapp!

Foinsapp!

Foinsapp, foinsapp, foinsapp!

Foinsapp!

- Now it is your turn.

- But you've swatted

all the flies.

- [chuckles]

- Go ahead, dear.

- Foinsapp!

Foinsapp!

Foinsapp!

[grunts]

Ugh!

[screams]

[screaming]

- In Klopnod, all shelves

are 30 feet high because--

I don't know.

All Klopnodian boys

must master the shelf pole.

We call this Spladap.

The wooden objects on the shelf

go into the corresponding holes

in the table.

This you do

without leaving the pole,

assisted only

by the pole holder.

- Okay, here goes.

- Ooh!

- Put it in the round hole!

[upbeat folk music]

The round hole in the table!

- Okay, son.

Nice and easy.

- Nice and easy.

Whoa!

How'd I do?

- Wow, I did not even know

we had a square hole.

One more to go.

Get the star.

- That's it, son!

Just--yikes!

- [screams]

[grunts]

- Eep!

- Ah!

- I can't hold on!

- I'm peeling out!

[screams]

Spladap?

[whimpers]

[dramatic folk music]

- You will now learn

the proper folding and raising

of the Klopnodian flag.

This is called Katoof.

- That's not a flag.

It's a tablecloth.

And it's got

mustard stains on it.

- No, no, no.

- All right!

All right.

It's a flag.

- This is how we fold.

- You fold the flag,

and then you raise it?

[martial music]

Hm.

[grunts]

- [gasps]

It unfolded!

So disrespectful!

- Aw!

- Sis!

both: Aww.

- I'm so glad that's over,

big brother.

It was horrible.

- Thank goodness we'll

never have to do that again.

- And now it's time for you

to do that again.

You will show us

all you have learned

during the traditional

Klopnodian folk dance.

It is called Thewholeshebang!

Curtains up!

[crowd roaring]

- Do you hear that?

- Uh-huh.

- Our country's yards

are filled with clods

Dear old Klopnod!

Our country's yards

are filled with clods

Dear old Klopnod

- Foinsapp!

- [screams]

- [screams]

[crowd booing]

Hey!

Whoa!

Whoa!

all: Spladap! Spladap! Spladap!

- I don't wanna!

- Come on, kid.

Whoa, whoa!

- Wha--oh!

[folk music]

- Uh

[crowd chanting]

Katoof, Katoof, Katoof!

Katoof, Katoof, Katoof!

- [grumbles]

[crowd booing]

It's a table cloth!

[crowd booing]

- I'm Kloppin' outta here.

all: Gaplork!

All: Gaplork, Gaplork,

Gaplork, Gaplork!

- Sweat, son!

You have to sweat!

For dear old Klopnod,

Gaplork, son!

Gap that lork!

- I want to,

but everybody's looking.

[shivering]

- People of Klopnod

and Klopnod people,

my son would love

to sweat for you all,

but the boy is sweat shy,

so if it wouldn't be

too much trouble,

give the boy some privacy

while he sweats?

Would you mind?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Well, sure.

- The boy is shy.

- I'm sweat shy too!

- Yeah.

- [breathes deeply]

[straining]

[crowd gasping]

[enchanting orchestral music]

[cheers and applause]

- [screams]

Throw down your cream puffs,

you Klopnodians!

You're all my prisoners now!

[laughs]

After thousands of years,

I have my revenge!

[laughs]

- [gasps]

- Sea fly!

[together]

Foinsapp.

- Huh?

[screams]

I surrender!

I surrender!

- Wow, what a Gashpluckt day.

- I'd rather walk them

than swat them.

- Mmm.

- How do I turn these off?

- Son, it's time

I introduce you

to the wonderful world

of underarm corks.

[laughter]

- Foinsapp!

[upbeat music]