Torching 2024: A Roast of the Year (2024)

[bunniefuu]

You're torching 2024.

You got Sam Morril, Tim Dillon, Ms. Pat,

Mark Normand, Hannah Berner.

Any predictions?

Ooh! Vicious roast!

[smooches]

Love you too.

[audience gasps and laughs, applauds]

-[lively music playing]

-[audience cheering]

[man] What's up, everybody!

I'm your bad boy for life, P. Diddy.

Now, let's get this party started!

Please welcome my b*tch for tonight,

the Roastmaster General,

Jeff Ross!

[crowd cheers]

[music continues]

Crappy old year!

Welcome, welcome, welcome

to Torching 2024!

How 'bout a hand for

the Squid Game guards? Great job.

[audience cheers]

Am I r*cist if I say they all look alike,

those Squid Game guys?

This is gonna be a wild night.

Oh, look at this!

Dude, we got Diddy bartending,

he brought his lawyers with him.

What's happening, fellas?

Take a bow, guys.

[mixed applause and booing]

This is great.

Got him on bail for the night, huh?

Maybe it's time to change

Diddy's name to Definitely.

[comic sting on drums]

Yes, we're gonna roast

all the big moments and trends of 2024.

Uh, Diddy, can I get

a, uh, baby oil on the rocks?

Thank you.

Hey, Diddy, if you're here,

who's getting strangled in your cell

while the cameras malfunction?

[audience groans, laughs]

Too soon?

Not on this show. [laughs]

Aliens over New Jersey,

Diddy's in trouble,

big year for a**l probes.

[amused groans]

[Ross laughs]

This is cool, man. What a year.

What a f*cking year.

-So--

-[audience cheers]

Gonna be incredible.

So many twists and turns.

Turns out the election wasn't fixed,

but the boxing match was.

[comic sting]

Which reminds me,

if you're just tuning in,

Netflix is fine. It's not buffering.

I really look like this.

[sympathetic sounds]

I know I look like Bruce Willis

if his trainer also had dementia.

-[amused groans, laughter]

-[bass plays descending notes]

I look like the kind of guy

who watches Squid Game

hoping it's about calamari.

[comic sting]

Thank you.

My fellow Americans,

yes, we remain a divided nation.

But I think we can all agree on one thing,

the silver lining of the election,

is that Ellen DeGeneres left the country.

[laughter, cheering]

Let the healing begin.

Living in England's gonna be

kind of confusing for Ellen,

you know, 'cause they drive

on the other side of the road there,

and they only call you a c**t

when they like you.

[comic sting]

[gasps, cheering]

[Ross] Yeah! [laughs]

Big year in music.

Diplo, what the f*ck, are you serious?

-Diplo's here! What's going on, buddy?

-[audience cheers]

This is so cool, all my friends are here.

Simon This is cool.

Diplo, you're one of my favorite DJs.

You know, Diplo's not short for "diploma",

I'll tell you that.

-Nothing?

-[plays sliding note]

-All right.

-[comic sting on drums]

It was a big year for music.

Shout out to Taylor Swift, who just ended

her billion-dollar Eras Tour.

[cheers and applause]

I went to the LA show. Did you go, Diplo?

I went. It was amazing.

It was so emotional.

I even got my period for the first time.

But for me, no moment encapsulated

the insanity of this year

better than when Donald Trump worked

a drive-through window at McDonald's.

Wow. Even Grimace was like,

"That guy's got a weird-shaped body."

[Ross laughs]

Yeah, but you gotta admit,

the biggest rise of the year

has to be the Hawk Tuah Girl.

[laughter, groans]

Remember Hawk Tuah Girl? [laughs]

it was a real gags-to-riches story.

By the way, Haliey, Hawk Tuah,

if you're watching,

humanity owes you a debt of gratitude.

Your video made blowjobs so popular,

even the Yankees blew the World Series.

[uproarious laughter]

[bass plays comical slide]

[drums playing comic response]

Ohtani! Ohtani!

[crowd joins] Ohtani!

Sure, Oppenheimer won

all the Oscars this year,

but Ohtani should've won best actor

for pretending he didn't

bet against the Yankees.

That's the nicest joke you're gonna hear

about Oppenheimer and a Japanese guy.

[scandalized, amused groans and laughter]

[audience member whoops]

Definitely the wildest news of the year,

Elon Musk bought the United States.

Wow!

We are a fixer-upper, I guess.

Now we're supposed to trust him

with the government

even though the Cybertruck

got recalled six times this year.

But hey, at least it's soundproof,

which is great,

so when you pull out of your driveway,

you can't hear

your own kids laughing at you.

[Ross laughs]

The Cybertruck doesn't come

with a spare tire, but

apparently Elon does.

[laughs]

Look at that little belly.

He wears those little t-shirts

that are too short for him.

Forget Mars,

maybe he should explore a Planet Fitness.

[chuckles]

It's only ten dollars a month.

[audience cheers]

2024 was so crazy,

Even Kanye went quiet.

That's how you know things are bad,

when Kanye's like,

"No, I'm gonna sit this one out."

Yep, Kanye went to Japan,

Beyonc went country,

and any chance of a One Direction reunion

went straight out the window.

[audience groans, laughs uncomfortably]

[drum plays womp-womp beats]

-Yep.

-[audience still groans]

Diplo, you're not involved in this beef

between Drake and Kendrick at all,

are you?

No, you don't want any of that sh*t.

These two guys released

17 diss tracks back and forth

insulting each other.

Even Hamas is like, "Let it go already."

"Jeez! Get a room, guys!"

Call me sentimental,

but I miss old-school hip-hop

when rappers would just sh**t each other.

Poor Drake, he's the only Jew

who lost a w*r this year.

[laughs]

You liked that one?

Of course we couldn't torch 2024

without two of its breakout TV stars.

Give it up for Erik and Lyle,

the Menendez brothers.

[audience cheers]

Great to see you guys.

Thank you.

How'd you get those k*ller seats?

When you were driving here,

did you argue over who'd get shotgun?

What a story.

Anybody watch that Netflix show

on the Menendez brothers?

-[scattered cheers]

-What a story.

Too bad your lawyer couldn't do

what your dad did.

Get you off.

[amused groans]

Oh, you think that's bad?

Wait till this one.

Menendez brothers,

I know your parents were ver [laughs]

[drum plays]

I'm going to Hell for this one.

Maybe I shouldn't do it.

[audience] Do it!

Menendez brothers,

I know your parents were very religious,

but thanks to you guys, they became

the two holiest people in Beverly Hills.

-[groans and laughter]

-[drum plays]

Hey, who else saw the Wicked movie?

I loved it so much.

[audience cheers]

Yeah. I enjoyed Wicked so much,

I questioned if I was g*y.

Then I saw Gladiator II,

and I knew I was g*y.

After Wicked, there were so many

women and g*y guys crying in the lobby,

I thought Trump won again. [laughs]

[chuckles]

This is fun.

Oh yeah, look at this!

The star of the Summer Olympics is here.

Give it up for

Australian breakdancer Raygun!

Hi, Raygun!

-[hip-hop music plays]

-What's up, what's up!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Hey!

If your name's Raygun,

why do you dance like you're being tased?

[drum plays comic sting]

[music stops]

A 2024 legend who got

the Olympic breakdancing canceled.

Raygun, your moves were so bad,

when the Special Olympics saw them,

they were like, "You know what?

It's okay to say the word 'ret*rd' again."

-[drum plays]

-[cackles]

[music starts again]

Raygun, everybody!

Hannah Berner!

She'll be back in a little while.

-Wow!

-[music stops]

And I gotta say, I'm really honored.

This is, uh, really incredible

that this person's here.

Our current president,

-Joe Biden's here. Mr. President.

-Hey, good to see you, America!

-How you doing, America!

-Mr. President!

How are we feeling? Happy early Kwanzaa!

[Ross] Thank you for coming!

How we doing? Yeah, doing good.

I can't stay long, though, Jeff.

I've got a big election coming up.

-Come on!

-[Ross laughs]

I beg your pardon?

Sure, ain't no problem, how many you need?

I got pardons for days.

You get a pardon,

you get a pardon, you get a pardon.

Hey, you get a pardon.

I'm gonna give Diplo a pardon

for those sunglasses.

-There we go. Everybody gets a pardon.

-[Ross laughing]

Hey, tell P. Daddy over there,

if you go and make me a gin and tonic

with no funny business,

I'll give you a pardon too.

-[drums play comic sting]

-[Ross laughs]

-Oh!

-[Ross] What else? What else?

Holy dandruff, Jeff,

who's that hot lesbo playing drums?

[Ross cackles]

[Adam Ray as Biden] Oh!

I'd love to sniff her head!

That's our band leader for tonight,

the great John Stamos!

-[audience cheers]

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-[Ray] Have mercy.

Look at this guy!

Thank you for being here, John.

You're amazing. You're-you're aging

like fine Greek yogurt.

Hit it, baby!

[playing ending]

Whoo!

Ladies and gentlemen,

let

the torching

-[music stops]

-begin!

[crowd cheers, applauds]

[band playing funky beat]

Our roasters are backstage getting ready.

They can hear you,

so make some noise, roast fans!

[audience gets louder]

f*ck yeah!

First up are two of

the hottest solo acts in the game,

but tonight, they're doing a double-team.

Here they are, straight from a freak-off,

to perform at our joke-off,

my friends Sam Morril and Mark Normand!

[both greeting audience]

What's up?

-Hey, hey!

-Oh my God, hey!

-Comedy, huh?

-Hey.

Jeff, you look amazing.

You look like the Great Gout-sby.

[Ross laughs]

[Normand] I know, Jesus.

Who wrote your jokes, FatGPT?

You look a photo negative of Steve Harvey.

Ah, Jeff, you're anti-vax

but you're provolone.

Oh Diddy, help, help!

[Morril] Jeff, you look like

a fat Jewish dictator.

You're like NetanYoo-hoo.

Guys! Take it easy. Mercy, guys, mercy.

It's been a rough year.

I had cancer this year.

-Oh jeez!

-Aw, sh*t.

-Tomorrow's my last day of chemotherapy.

-[Morril] All right.

-[Normand] All right, all right, okay!

-Thank you.

-It's crazy.

-[Normand] Wow!

I'm gonna be okay, don't worry about me.

-All right.

-I'm gonna be okay.

This is very cathartic. I love you guys.

-[Morril] Love you, man.

-Hey, I'm glad you beat cancer

'cause even cancer hates you as a host.

[Ross laughs]

Jeff, you're pretty fat

for a guy who beat cancer.

You sure you didn't eat cancer?

If Jeff were the McDonald's sh**ter,

when he was leaving, he'd have said,

"Leave the g*n, take the McFlurry."

-We should do some Luigi jokes, right?

-Yes, do Luigi jokes!

Luigi!

Apparently on the shell casings,

the b*ll*ts said, "Delay, deny, defend."

On Alec Baldwin's, they just said, "Oops."

And hey, that Luigi, he's a hunky guy.

No h*m* I mean,

no HMO.

Yeah, he got popped

by a McDonald's employee.

Should've gone to Popeyes,

they don't snitch.

A McDonald's employee turned in

sh**ter Luigi Mangione

in Altoona, Pennsylvania,

when he became suspicious

there was an attractive person

at McDonald's in Altoona, Pennsylvania.

[Normand laughs]

Hey, they say

he's going to jail for a long time.

But come on. Luigi?

He'll escape through the pipes.

[guitar plays

Super Mario Bros. Underground Theme]

Apparently he had back problems

and was pissed about it.

I have back problems too. I think that's

the difference between Jews and Italians.

We complain.

You guys actually do something about it.

He was Italian.

He was so Italian, his g*n was homemade.

He was a professional sh**ter,

but his dad called him a "prosciutt".

[Jeff cackles]

That's true, but either way,

he's still a better sh**ter than Bronny.

[indignant groans, laughter]

But look, I get the feeling, you know?

I lost 20K on that Hawk Tuah coin.

I wish he'd sh**t her.

But she's already

used to taking shots on the back.

[loud tapping]

-Oh jeez.

-[Normand laughing]

Jeff dropped his butt plug.

[both laugh]

Hey, all right.

Speaking of people going to jail soon,

crazy of all the groups Diddy produced,

he wasn't involved with Boyz II Men.

Hey, I read that entire indictment

from Jay to Z.

[audience] Oh!

Yeah.

He was a great collaborator.

R. Kelly did all his r*pes himself.

At least Diddy shared. Just sayin'.

Ashton Kutcher and his wife are actually

moving to Europe to avoid Diddy drama.

That is a bad sign when your wife asks

how close you were with Diddy and you go,

"Let's leave the country."

Diddy's about to feel like

one of his songs in prison, 'cause

he's about to get sampled, all right?

Ain't nobody gonna hold me down

Oh, I think they will.

Diddy's kids got handcuffed this year too.

King and Justin, those are their names,

I think he favors one of them.

But, uh

I wanna do that to my kids

just to ruin their childhoods.

"These are my sons,

Big d*ck Legend and Ralph."

"I love them equally."

[Normand laughs]

All right, let's change gears.

How about that Taylor Swift, huh?

Oh yeah, that, uh

That Eras Tour was huge.

Those stadiums were filled with

more 13-year-old screaming girls

than a Diddy party.

Taylor did so much this year.

She's the hardest-working Taylor

in show business,

except for the person

who does Lizzo's outfits.

Hey, Lizzo got canceled this year,

but I stand behind her.

You just can't see me.

[Morril] Let's lighten it up.

Stephen Hawking.

-So

-[all laughing]

The Epstein list was revealed this year,

and some of the names were surprising.

These are just allegations.

Stephen Hawking was never charged,

except for when his battery ran low.

[Normand laughs]

That must suck for these kids.

Imagine being on Epstein's island.

You already hate vegetables.

Tough one. How do you punish a guy

who's already spent

his entire life in an electric chair?

Look, you know how hard that is in

his condition to get to Epstein's island?

That is one horny paraplegic, huh?

[Morril] Yeah.

He deserves a round of applause.

-I agree. Yeah.

-Yeah!

-[Normand] Come on!

-Yeah.

This guy loves vag*na.

You could see it as a crippling addiction.

Okay, I feel bad making fun of the guy.

He can't even drive,

but he loves to traffic.

[groans and laughter]

Look, I get it.

He does have an incurable genetic disease.

He's a pedophile.

[both] Allegedly.

You know,

they interviewed the Epstein pilot,

and he said every underage person he saw

on the flight was with a parent or adult,

and I was like,

"Yeah, those are two different things."

Can't go to the playground

"Is that your son?"

"It's a kid."

-Thank you very much, guys. Good night!

-Thank you, good night!

Give it up for f*gg*t and Costello!

[Normand laughs]

I love you guys.

Mark Normand, you're amazing.

-Thank you.

-Sam Morril, love you so much.

You're amazing, buddy.

-[Normand] Thank you.

-[Ross] Incredible, guys.

I was laughing so hard.

You having fun up there in the balcony?

Everybody good?

[people cheering]

All right.

You may know our next roaster

from her hit sitcom

or her sold-out comedy tours.

Tonight, she's here

to bring the year to its knees.

The Southern belle from ATL,

make it loud for Ms. Pat!

[band plays lively music]

[music stops]

So this year, y'all, I made a mistake

of caring about what people think.

After I did Club Shay Shay podcast,

I read the comments section,

and it f*cked me up.

I've never been called fat

so much in my damn life,

just from Shannon Sharpe.

And people went crazy

with Ozempic this year.

I'm not ashamed to say it. I tried it.

It didn't work for me.

Apparently, you gotta sh**t it in your a*s

and not put it in your milkshake.

Aren't y'all tired of

all of this fake-a*s body positivity sh*t?

And these people who preach

this body-positivity sh*t

is the first ones that turn on you.

Look what happened to Lizzo

after she had that scandal

with her background dancer.

At first, everybody was like,

"She's so brave

to put on that damn two-piece

I mean, eight-piece swimsuit."

As soon as they learned she liked

eatin' bananas out of stripper pussies,

they let her have it.

Everyone was like, "Oh hell, no."

"What the hell that knock-kneed,

flute-footed, sagging a*s, Paul Bunyan,

extra greasy,

built like an uncle b*tch do."

White people, you can laugh.

She ain't gonna see this.

[audience laughs]

Y'all know Hollywood started

this body-positivity trend,

and they don't even

cast fat people anymore.

They let Colin Farrell play the Penguin.

Where that sh*t at? This

Look at this man right here.

And look at Jeff Ross tonight.

Tell me he ain't the damn Penguin.

I saw Jeff Ross backstage

eating fish out of a damn bucket.

In 2024, y'all,

celebrities spent all this money

to lose weight.

Look at Adele a*s,

looking like a Canadian Wonder Woman.

And look at Jelly Roll a*s,

looking like a big back Post Malone.

And look at Ice Spice.

Her a*s done melt away.

Can somebody please tell this Orphan Annie

she don't rap good enough

to have a flat a*s?

That's why I f*ck with rapper Dave Blunts.

He's a Look at his big a*s.

You see him? Here.

White dude,

you see that big n*gga back there?

He's an unapologetic diabetic.

It's easy to make fun of Dave,

yes, it is, 'cause he's a 500-pound,

sitting on the couch with an oxygen mask.

The only problem is,

is he got a white woman by his side.

Must you b*tches take all the good ones?

But one thing I can tell you,

you never see an episode of

600-lb Life where they by themselves.

They always got somebody there

to kiss them goodnight.

To take them to the local car wash

to get a shower.

And they always got a woman

who willing to kick 'em in the stomach

so they d*ck pop out like a cash register.

I need some help understanding something.

Why was everybody hating on

the nepo babies this year?

My son worked on my sitcom.

I hired and fired him every damn season.

If successful parents

don't help their kids out,

they might end up a damn criminal,

or worse, asking us for our damn money.

Ain't that right, Joe Biden?

Yes, Queen.

You do know I ain't Queen Latifah, right?

Hey, I don't see color.

-Come on.

-Come on up here.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for

the sleepiest president in the world!

Joe Biden!

-Hey.

-You all right?

I can't see. Happy early Kwanzaa.

You know, I get a lot of

I get a lot of crap for pardoning Hunter.

He's not a nepo baby.

He's a nepo man, baby!

Nobody has ever said

anything nice about my boy.

A lot of you guys don't know this,

but Hunter

bought that crack with his own money.

Oh, there's no way Michael B. Jordan

would have been in those Rocky movies

if his dad didn't play for the Bulls.

[mumbling]

I mean, come on, you can do anything when

your dad's friends with Scottie Pippin.

Well said, Mr. President.

Come on, let's do a cool Black handshake

and get out of here.

No, y'all white men

don't wash your hands after y'all piss.

-All right, rain check, rain check.

-[Ross] Wow.

I seen y'all n*gg*s go to the bathroom.

Give it up for the President

and his new nurse.

[Ray] Oh wait.

Mr. President, are you having fun so far?

I'm having a blast, Jeff.

Hit me, Uncle Jesse.

[Ross] Wow.

[band plays slow tune]

Live from New York, it's Saturday night!

-This way, Mr. President.

-We got a great show for you.

Coldplay is here tonight!

-This way, Mr. President.

-Cold

Who just sh*t my pants?

This way. Pat, help him.

-[Ray] Hey.

-[Ross] Wow!

Wow.

-Incredible.

-[music ends]

Comedy, bringing people together.

Roasting, healing the world.

Right now, there's

a profound division in this country.

-[organ plays]

-And I think a lot of that is because

we don't listen to each other

until it's too late.

Sometimes people take matters

into their own hands,

like Luigi Mangione.

I heard Luigi's new nickname is

the Uni-brower.

But who better to heal us

and remind us we're at our best

when we're united

than the former UnitedHealthcare CEO,

yes, back from the dead,

the late, great Brian Thompson.

[band plays "Funeral March" by Chopin]

You lousy socialist pigs!

Is this what you want?

Laugh it up! Here's a

Here's the free medicine, there you go!

That's fentanyl, have as much as you want!

It's fentanyl laced with more fentanyl.

I'm Brian Thompson.

[laughs]

I [giggles]

I'm going to Hell for this,

you might as well laugh. I

I

I'm the CEO of UnitedHealthcare,

and I understand

a lot of you are happy I'm dead.

-[hesitant whoops]

-Yeah, I read the tweets.

Yeah, I read the tweets.

You don't think they have X in Hell?

That's all they have in Hell.

Half the people commenting on there

are burning in a pot of boiling oil.

Let me tell you something, your reaction

to my m*rder makes me sick.

And not the type of sick

I would immediately deny

for not having the proper paperwork.

You gotta have the paperwork!

You should be thanking me for what I did.

I'm the hero.

In fact, as I was laying there

with that hunky,

unibrowed Italian kid,

Linguine Mascarpone

standing over my bleeding body,

my last thought was, "I love my job."

I do. Because I help people.

Not by giving them healthcare,

but by denying it.

Oh, your nana needs her insulin?

Your nana needs her insulin.

Maybe your nana needs

to make better choices.

Maybe one less

Little Debbie cake after dinner,

and you wouldn't need

Big Pharma to bail you out

of an early grave.

But you didn't think about that,

did you, you selfish b*tch?

But what do I know?

I only ran a company voted

America's most innovative provider

by Fortune Magazine three years in a row.

That's right. Innovative.

When you submitted a claim,

other companies said no.

We said,

"f*ck no!"

You think we put you on hold too much?

We think you call too much.

How 'bout that?

Oh, your daughter has leukemia, huh?

Just yours?

Just yours?

And if you love her so much,

why don't you get off the phone,

take her for ice cream,

take her wig shopping?

He's dead. Now

The truth is, without people like me

f*cking over people like you,

to help people like me,

this country would fall apart.

And that's on you.

And look at yourselves

dancing in the streets,

because that guy, Tortellini Mozzarella,

took me by surprise

like an unexpected medical bill

and shot me in the back.

Apparently, he had his own back problems.

I'm sorry, Luigi,

but nobody feels bad

for a thin guy with back problems.

Claim denied!

But if you're happy I'm dead,

the joke's on you.

Most people think

I'm out of the game right now

because I'm rotting in Hell.

Wrong! I'm working remote.

And harder than ever.

Just the opposite. Where do you think

the UnitedHealthcare headquarters is?

That's right, down there

where the market's always hot.

Right next to BlackRock and Ben & Jerry's.

The Devil is on the board

of UnitedHealthcare,

and now I've got his ear.

And if you think I'm gonna hold back,

you're dead wrong.

I'm taking healthcare

to a new level of Hell. That's right.

The machine keeps rolling. Rolling on,

just like your uncle's wheelchair

we no longer cover in his plan.

Deny, defend, decompose!

I'll see you at the retreat,

and I'll see you down here very soon,

Hawk Tuah!

Goodnight, everybody!

[Ross] Tim Dillon, everyone!

Holy sh*t!

Now the new CEO of UnitedHealthcare,

Tim Dillon.

That was a great DEAD Talk.

Amazing. One more time

for our friend Tim Dillon.

That was f*cking crazy.

You may know our next roaster

from her hit Netflix special,

or as Raygun

at the beginning of this roast.

Here to torch Tinseltown

is the amazing Hannah Berner!

[band playing funky music]

[music stops]

You guys, welcome to

the Temu Tom Brady roast!

[Ross chuckles]

It is so nice to be in LA

for the final season of Hollywood,

'cause it's a mess out here.

Megan Fox and Machine g*n Kelly broke up.

She claimed she found

"disturbing material" on his phone.

I'm guessing it was his new album.

You know, the broke up two weeks after

her pregnancy announcement.

Such an American story.

A machine g*n ruining a family.

Drake did a diss track on Kendrick

this year, and then sued him,

which is exactly what you'd expect

from a Black Jew.

The word "c**t" was trending this year.

I don't think Blake Lively was that bad.

Luigi's so hot right now.

Who knew, besides Travis Kelce, that

you could become so popular with women

by sh**ting loads into a billionaire?

[groans and laughter]

Now, I think girls love Luigi

'cause he made a plan,

he showed up on time,

and engraved messages

in every single b*llet.

Can you imagine what he would do

for your anniversary?

Oh my God.

You guys, nowadays,

anyone could become a star.

A woman made $41 million

on OnlyFans this year.

That's the same salary as Aaron Rodgers,

except she sucked less ba*ls.

I'm so serious right now,

he's the worst Jet to come to New York

since 9/11.

I can say that 'cause

I'm from New York, you fake f*ck.

Chappell Roan says

she "doesn't want attention"

while dressing like

a colorful Big Bird in heat.

Look, I don't know

what a Chappell Roan is,

but I definitely don't want her

reading to my kids.

John Stamos is here! I'm so excited.

He's the only uncle

that I ever wanted to touch me.

[plays sting]

You know things aren't great

when kids are safer in the Gaza Strip

than at the Nickelodeon

Kids' Choice Awards.

Someone just said, "Jesus."

Be with you.

Actors are struggling so bad

to stay relevant

that a few of them are looking forward

to being named in the Diddy case.

There was a lot of news this year

about a dancing wicked witch, but then

Ellen moved to England.

No, but look at the celebs nowadays.

Gypsy-Rose, the Menendez brothers.

It seems like the only way

to get a show on Netflix

is to m*rder your parents.

Someone tell Barron Trump

I could make him a star.

Thank you so much to Netflix!

Thank you, Jeff Ross!

And thank you, Beyonc!

Thank you to Beyonc!

-Give it up for Hannah, everybody!

-Thank you! Thank you!

There are so many amazing things

that we all forgot about in 2024.

So now I wanna do a little g*ng roast of

some of the stuff that happened this year.

Anybody remember

the eclipse happened in April?

Did you forget already?

[surprised murmurs, whoops]

I knew they shouldn't have booked Lizzo

for a daytime outdoor concert.

Tim, did you do anything for the eclipse?

Yeah, it's the perfect adventure

for somebody too poor and lazy

to see the northern lights.

Real scum.

I feel like the sun went light to dark,

and back to light again,

like Ariana Grande.

Oh, I thought that was Jesus' booty hole.

-[comedians laughing]

-[Ross] Yes, the eclipse!

I'm getting eclipsed

by Ms. Pat right now. Wow.

I didn't even remember this happening,

but somebody was telling me

that when the movie Dune came out,

the popcorn buckets were very provocative.

-[Normand] Oh yeah.

-[Berner] Yeah.

If you eat it correctly,

it butters itself. What are you gonna

Looks like Ms. Pat bent over.

[comedians laughing]

-[Berner] Get him, Ms. Pat!

-[Morril] Oh sh*t! Okay.

That look like the p*ssy Jeff Ross buys.

Cheaper than a prost*tute,

and if you break it,

you don't have to bury it in the woods.

This is what all vaginas look like to me.

[Ms. Pat giggles]

Yeah, it's just like I tell my Fleshlight,

"My body, my choice." Come on.

[Normand laughs]

Man, you got more lines than your son.

[Ms. Pat cackles]

-[Ross] Hey, that's good!

-Take that back, Mark Normand!

-[Ross] Hey, that's good.

-[Ray] Hey.

I'll come over there and [stammers]

I'll come over there and

Hey, you're a good guy.

You're a good guy. I like him.

That guy over there,

it's the first g*y guy I ever met live.

Speaking of kids

ruining their parents' lives,

did you guys follow this at all?

Did you watch the Gypsy-Rose

-Do you follow her on TikTok?

-[Dillon] I love her.

I will always support

a woman's right to choose

to k*ll their mother.

Black parents lock their door.

You can't get to us that easy.

We'll f*ck you up.

"Parents"? There's no dad.

[Ray] Oh sh*t.

-That was funny.

-[Ross] Jesus.

Mark Normand, ding, ding, ding, ding!

[Ms. Pat] No Ah!

That was tonight's

Doritos Joke of the Night!

January 6th was more planned than this.

That's probably true.

-[Morril] Jesus Christ.

-[Normand laughs]

I don't give a sh*t about this.

-Can I do a drones joke?

-[Ross] Yes.

-Please, 'cause mine sucks.

-Yeah.

-You saw the drones in Jersey?

-[Normand] Yeah.

Usually when a guy from Jersey says,

"What is that thing?"

he's talking about a trans person.

That's tonight's

Fruit by the Foot Joke of the Night.

-[Morril] Boom!

-This guy over here.

Here's one that really confused me.

John Krasinski, is that his name?

He was named

People Magazine's

Sexiest Man Alive this year.

Look at this guy.

I like that he's sad on the cover.

That's how I look right after

I whack off to pictures of his wife.

Like, even he knows he doesn't deserve it.

[Stamos] Bullshit!

-Luckily no one cares about this stuff.

-[Stamos] I care about this stuff.

What?

Krasinski wasn't even

the sexiest man on The Office.

Everyone knows it goes

Carell, Craig Robinson,

the dude who played Meredith,

-then Krasinski.

-Right.

-Sounds like somebody's jelly!

-No!

Are you jealous because

you've never been named Sexiest Man?

No!

Come on, Stamos.

-Little bit.

-Really?

Those f*cking people at People

had me on a 30-year losing streak.

You know who loves me

who doesn't know Krasinski exists?

Women that still buy magazines.

Who else?

g*y guys who still buy magazines.

-I'm an ally.

-You certainly are.

By the way, I'm so proud of you

and I'm so happy you're in recovery,

-in remission.

-Thank you, man.

I can't lose any more funny people.

The world can't.

This looks like

the before and after of Ozempic.

I just realized

this is Jeff's Make-A-Wish.

This is so cute.

Let's be honest,

this was the election result

that pissed most Americans off, but

next year we'll take back what's ours.

Let's make America sexy again.

Stamos 2025!

-[all cheering]

-[Ms. Pat] Yeah!

-I love you, John Stamos!

-I love you, Jeff.

You're a legend in my life.

Play something sexy for me.

Play one more sexy thing for me,

all right?

-[Stamos] What do you got?

-I love this band.

[piano playing]

Now it's time for us to honor

some of our fallen celebrities

that we lost this year.

O.J. Simpson.

If the casket don't fit,

you must acquit.

O.J. was known

for his rushing and receiving.

But this year, way more fans

celebrated his passing.

O.J. died peacefully, surrounded by

his very gullible friends and family.

When I first heard that

country star Toby Keith passed away,

I cried a little bit, and then I realized

I was mixing him up with Keith Urban.

One of the biggest music producers

in the world, Quincy Jones,

we lost him at 91 this year.

People don't realize this.

Quincy's middle name was Delight.

De light is also what he saw

right before he died.

Quincy Jones was also

a legendary jazz producer.

In fact, his last wish was

to have his ashes scatted.

[scatting]

Quincy composed music

for award-winning films,

but he always said his greatest score

was the heroin he got from Ray Charles.

We also lost another award-winning talent

in the great actor James Earl Jones.

He was amazing.

Give it up for James Earl Jones.

[cheers and applause]

But on the plus side,

at least he doesn't have to sit through

that new f*cking Mufasa movie.

James Earl Jones

was a walking contradiction.

He was a strong voice

for the Black community,

but he also played Darth Vader,

the most famous deadbeat dad of all time.

James Earl Jones won an Emmy,

a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony,

otherwise known as an EGOT,

as in, "EGOT diabetes and died."

[drum plays sting]

We also lost fitness guru Richard Simmons.

Remember Richard Simmons?

I loved him!

Seventy-six years old.

In his old age,

Richard got a little testy.

"A little testy" also describes

what was always peeking out

of those tighty shorts of his.

Richard Simmons never

officially came out as g*y.

But if he wasn't, then

we really have to rethink what g*y is.

Earlier this year,

a biopic about Richard Simmons

was announced,

starring Pauly Shore.

So we cannot rule out suicide.

And in case you hadn't heard it,

world-renowned sex therapist,

Dr. Ruth Westheimer

finally cl*max.

Dr. Ruth is survived by two children,

four grandchildren,

and one dresser drawer

that they're all terrified to open.

Born in Germany, sex therapist

Dr. Ruth survived the Holocaust,

and I think we can all guess

how she did that.

Yeah.

Legend has it she was the only person

at Auschwitz who insisted

her number be tattooed on her lower back.

She called it her "camp stamp".

Everyone, bring me a drink.

Come out here, guys.

Let's all raise a glass, roasters,

to my friends Richard Lewis,

Bob Newhart, San Francisco,

and all the other greats

we lost this year.

How about a big hand

-[band plays lively music]

-for our roasters!

Adam Ray, Ms. Pat,

Tim Dillon, Hannah Berner,

Sam Morril, and Mark Normand!

John Stamos! Wow, I love you guys!

Shout out to my amazing family, our crew!

Thank you, Netflix!

We're almost out of time! No, wait.

-Bring it down.

-[band plays softly]

Shout out to

the Baltimore Bridge disaster.

You were incredible.

Exploding beepers in the Middle East,

you guys came out of nowhere.

Astronauts stuck on the space station,

we'll get you next year, I promise.

Aaron Judge, see you at the ball drop.

Gypsy-Rose, sorry about your dad.

Pete, Gisele,

we left you out of this roast.

You're welcome.

To all my Haitian friends in Ohio,

next time, dinner's on me!

To Justin Timberlake, drive home safely.

Taylor and Travis,

I got a diamond guy if you need one.

You can find him

in the Jewish tunnels of Brooklyn.

To JoJo Siwa, Moo Deng, Lizzo,

and all the other Costco Guys,

stay demure, stay mindful,

and I hope you all find

a nice guy in finance,

trust fund, 6'5", blue eyes.

To my fans,

I'm sorry I had to bail this year.

I'll be back on the road doing my show,

Take a Banana for the Ride, real soon.

Come see me.

Go see all these comedians live.

They're all incredible.

Incredible.

And if anyone's thinking

about sh**ting a CEO

to get mentioned on our show next year,

don't do it. That's so last year.

Happy New Year!

[band playing rock version of

"Auld Lang Syne"]

[music ends]