03x45 - Substitute Porky/Viktor the Psychic

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Thanks for coming
on such short notice, Mr. Pig.

(STUTTERING) There's no group
of students that the
right teacher can't engage

in the wonders of edu...
(STAMMERING) Learning.

There's no group
of students, we just
got one student.

Once I open this door,

there's no going back.

He's been held back, a lot.

(SHAVER WHIRRING)

(STAMMERING) Don't worry,
I won't let you down.

-(DOOR SLAMS)
-(YELPS)

(STAMMERING)
Good morning, student.

I will be your
substitute teacher
for the day.

And my name is Mr. Pig.

Hmm. Uh,
"Mr. Pig is lame"?
(CHUCKLES)

Oh, I... I'm afraid
you're mistaken.

You know, my legs
are quite spry
and healthy.

Sheesh. This guy
doesn't even know when
I'm making fun of him.

Okay. We'll start with
some American history.

What United States President

delivered the Gettysburg Address?

I don't know. (CHOMPS)

But I know who
delivered this pizza.

And... And no food
in the classroom.

Clearly, you're forgetting
about the first amendment.

The right to free cheese!
(CHOMPS AND GULPS)

Just take out your books
and turn to the page 26.

Uh, I don't have page 26.

- Eh, why not?
- Because I ate it.

(CONTINUES CHOMPING
AND GULPING)

Stop eating your book!

Here, take my book.

Now, what do you
see there on page 26?

I see nothing
because I lost your book!

Oh, fine.
Take this one.

Now, be careful
with it because it's
the last one I have.

- Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
- Daffy?

I lost your book again.

What!

Oh, there they are.
They must've
gone to recess.

I'm gonna show you
how to make
an electromagnet.

You wrap a wire
around the metal rod,

then attach the battery
to the wire.

-(ROD BUZZING)
-(CLINKS)

A-ha! Science!

That's it? You'll
never make science
popular that way.

You have to give 'em a show!

You use these trash cans
and some jumper cables.

You know, that's
very inventive, Daffy.

Where did you find
the jumper cables?

From your car.

- Huh?
-(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

Huh? (GROANS)

Here comes the bust
of Rutherford B. Hayes.

PORKY: Ouch!
Thank you, Mr. President.

- Look out
for the filing cabinet!
- PORKY: Oh, no!

Oh, no!
An entire box of thumbtacks.

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

(PORKY GROANS)

I believe that
should be everything.

(WHOOSHES)

Oh, look, your car.

Okay, time for some Alge...

(STUTTERING)
Time for some math.

- If 5
- A plus two equals 22,

what is the value of "A"?

I have no idea.

Here, let me give you
some scratch paper.

Great! 'Cause I've got
an itch right here.

(MOANS IN RELIEF)
That hits the spot.

You work out
the equation on the paper
until you solve it.

Ooh! So,
it's like a mystery?

All right, Equation!
Where were you on
the night of January 26th?

I've got an eraser
and I'm not afraid
to use it.

Knock it off!

Let me show you
how you do it.

If five times four
equals 20,

which means
"A" equals four.

Four? This is a fore.

(YELLING) Fore!

(SQUEALING)

That's it.

(STAMMERING) That duck
is gonna learn something,

if it's the last thing I do.

- How many golf ba*ls
did you hit at me?
- Ten.

- And how many did
you start with?
- Sixteen.

- So, how many golf ba*ls
do you have left?
- Six.

I believe that's the answer!

I got the right answer?

That's never happened before!

Let's see if you can
do it again. Here.

Wet this paper
and throw it
at the ceiling.

(SLURPING)
Chuck! Chuck!

Now, launch
these spitballs
at the chalkboard.

(CHOMPS)

- How many wads of paper
are on the ceiling?
- Seven.

- And how many did you
launch at the board?
- Thirty.

- What's 30 plus seven?
- Thirty seven.

Look at the addition!

Now, read this copy
of Hamlet and I'll
let you eat the book.

Done. (GULPS)
And done.

What is the most
famous speech
in Hamlet?

"To be or not to be,

"that is the question."

Now, we're gonna
launch a vinegar-rocket.

Step one, fill bottles
with vinegar, our acid.

Step two, drop in
baking soda, our base.

Step three!

Stand back
and watch the show!

-(PORKY SQUEALS)
-(DAFFY EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY)

So, Daffy, why are these
bottles exploding?

Because carbon dioxide gas
is released by the combination
of the acid and the base.

So, basically,
the bottle passes gas.

PORKY: And you
pass my little class!

What is going on here?

Can you believe
this ducky graduated?
He is a total success.

He graduated?

Everyone, we don't
have to deal
with him anymore.

Thank goodness, our long
national nightmare
is finally over.

(SNIFFS) He graduated.

Congrats, Daffy.

And since you're
the only student
in my class,

you are the
vale-duck-torian.

Some people
go back to school...

And some go
"quack" to school.

Crystal ba*ls, tarot cards,

I see the future.

Viktor the Psychic!

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL: Oh, Viktor!
You're amazing!

- These guys are so phony.
- Whatever.

Viktor the Psychic
can see into your future,

read your aura,
and communicate with
those from the great beyond!

For a small fee, of course.

Who would be
gullible enough
to believe the--

ALL: Me! Me! Me!

You, sir! I am sensing

that there is someone
in your past here
with you tonight.

It is your grandmother

and she's with us now.

Yeah, she's sitting
right next to me.

Wow.

I'm sensing great pain
in your future.

Actually, I feel pretty good.

(SCREAMS) Ow!

Wow, you were right.

-(ALL CHEERING)
- Oh, come on!

Now, who wants me
to take a look-see
into their future?

Oh, me! Oh, me!
Me, me, me!

Have a seat,
Mr. Squirrel.

Watch and wonder
as I gaze into your future
with my crystal ball.

Hmm. (GASPS)

Soggy-stroodle.
Your future is sad

- because in the
not-so-distant future...
- Huh?

You will lose
all your money!

I am Viktor Psychic!

-(ALL CHEERING)
- ALL: Oh, Viktor!
We love you.

Okay, I've seen enough.

You're taking
advantage of all
these innocent patriots.

You're a fraud.

(DRAMATICALLY) Oh, I'm sensing

that you will not be
with us for very long.

Eh, what are you
talkin' about?

(SCREAMS AND GROANS)

- Of course you know this--
- This means w*r?

I knew you were
going to say that
'cause I'm a psychic!

(READING)

Now, I need a victim...

(NERVOUSLY)
Uh, I mean, volunteer

for a reading of
the invisible energy field
that surrounds us all.

An aura reading.

BUGS: Did someone
say aura reading?

(WHOOSHES AND POOFS)

- Who are you?
- It is I, Bugsito the Psychic.

I've never heard of
Bugsito the Psychic.

I'm such
an amazing psychic
that in my presence,

even a non-psychic
can see auras.

CROWD: Ooh!

Ah, yes. Your aura
is very bright.

Suddenly, I feel very warm.

Yes, it has
a little red in it.

(VIKTOR SCREAMS)

Now, your aura
is black and blue.

The Bugsito is amazing!

Argh! Friends, maybe our guest
can help your see auras,

but only I can read palms
and tell your future.

Then why don't you
read my palm?

I am not scared
to read another
psychic's palm.

- BUGS: Here you go, Doc.
- Okay.

I see that you're
sort of furry...

(SNIFFS) Very smelly

and you need
a manicure. Hmm?

-(GROWLING)
-(VIKTOR GROANS)

I, Bugsito, will read
your future using
only these cards.

Not so fast! I am
the one who reads
the tarot cards.

I don't use tarot cards,
I use greeting cards.

"Sorry for your loss"?
I didn't lose anything.

(CHUCKLING)
Yes, you did.

-(SQUEALS)
- You just lost your dignity.

Read this one.

"Get well soon"?
But I feel fine.

-(GROWLS)
- VIKTOR: Beaver skeever!

(READING)

(QUIVERING IN FEAR)

Sorry for the interruptions.

Now, we can begin
the spookiest
part of the show

where we can make contact
with the other side!

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL GASPING)

Spirits, I beseech thee

to speak of secrets
left untold
from the other side!

BUGS: (SPOOKILY)
Yes! I have many
secrets to tell!

Many dark secrets
about you, Viktor!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(NERVOUSLY)
What do you know?

I know that your wear
extra-extra small
tighty-whities.

It's true.

BUGS: And I know you
swindled that poor squirrel
out of all his money

by pretending
to see the future.

(SOBBING) It's true!
I am a swindler.

A phony, a fraud!

(BAWLING)

-(ALL EXCLAIMING IN HORROR)
- I'm not Viktor the Psychic,

I'm just Viktor,
the lying person.

-(ALL JEERING)
-(VIKTOR GROANS)

We're not mad!

Just deeply disappointed.

BUGS: Now, make amends
for this great evil
thou hast done.

I'll do whatever your say,
most merciful spirit.

-(SCREECHES)
- What the...

-(VIKTOR SNARLING)
-(SQUIRREL SCREECHES)

Uh, ignore the rabbit
behind the curtain.

(VIKTOR SCREAMS)

-(ALL JEERING)
- VIKTOR: Can't see
where I'm going.

- Whoa!
-(SNARLING)

(GROANING)

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
I am Johnny Grambus

and I own this TV station.

In light of tonight's events,

I have decided to cancel
this fraud's TV show.

But, tune in tomorrow
for my replacement show,

Bear on a Ball.
It's sure to be a hit.

-(VIKTOR GROANS)
- Told ya'.

How did a psychic
not see that coming?
(CHUCKLING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)