03x29 - Cal-umbus/Porky Pigskin

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I've done it!

I, Cal-umbus,

have discovered
a New World
all by myself.

Don't believe everything
you read in history books.

I claim this land
for my show.

My Cal-umbus show.

Look at all these things
I have discovered.

I've discovered this beach.

I've discovered this rock.

I've discovered
this cute little turtle.

What is that, little turtle?

Did you say I'm awesome
at discovering?

I know!

Hey, watch what you're doing.

(CHUCKLES)
I have also discovered
this disappointed rabbit.

I think I will
eat him for lunch

so I have energy
to do more discovering.

Who do you think you are?

I am Cal-umbus.

And I have discovered you.

Finders eaters,
losers weepers.

Wait a minute there,
Cal-umbus.

If you eat me,
who's going to guide you

to all the other
great discoveries?

Ah! I love discoveries!

I even have this
"I'm nutty for
discovery" tattoo.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay.

That's one thing I wish
I hadn't discovered.

Now, follow me.

Okay, you ready to discover

your very own
New World jaguar?

Jaguar?

What is a jaguar?

Oh, he's a beautiful
animal asleep in
that cave over there.

You'll just need to bang
on this pot and pan

if you want
to sneak up on him.

Jaguar!
Prepare to be discovered!

Oh, so that's a jaguar.

(SNARLING)

Why don't we
find you a New World
giant bear instead?

He's right over there
in the bushes.

BUGS: He's very timid and shy.

So, if you want
to sneak up on him,

you'll first need
to put on some camouflage.

Perfect. Oh,
and don't forget
to coat yourself with honey.

Bears love honey.

Now get moving, champ.

(LAUGHS) Prepare to be
discovered, giant bear.

(SNARLING)

(CAL-UMBUS EXCLAIMING
IN HORROR)

I think your camouflage
outfit is broken.

You know, for a guy
who sailed halfway
around the world,

he ain't too bright.

Now I'm gonna take you
to discover the fish
of the New World.

Where are they, rabbit?

Ah, you won't be
needing that net.

All you have to do
is get into the water,

and they swim
right to you.

Let me see.

(SPLASHES)

Fish! Fish.

Yes!

No! Ow, ow, ow!

CAL-UMBUS: (EXCLAIMING)
They're biting me!

(YELLING)

(SPLASHES)

(PANTING)

Hey, Cal, now you're
discovering a crocodile.

A crocodile?

(EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTS)

Now, you're discovering
an anaconda.

(GRUNTING)

The New World
can be tough to swallow,

but Cal is not.

I'm beginning to think
that you are messing with me.

And I'm going to eat you.

If you eat me, then I
can't show you
the giant boulder of gold.

The goulder?

This will be
my greatest discovery yet.

Then let's go.

(TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING)

We've got to
go through the forest
of punching monkeys first.

Monkeys? I am not a-scared
of no stinking monkeys.

CAL-UMBUS: (EXCLAIMS)
Right in my paella.

BUGS: And then the guy says,

"You don't understand.
Chumps is my dog."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(CAL-UMBUS EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

Hey, Cal, when you're
done playing with the monkeys,
come up on the mountain.

CAL-UMBUS: Okay.

One goulder coming up.

Cal, I found
the boulder of gold.

The goulder?

The giant boulder
of gold is mine!

- Oops.
- Oh, no!

(COMICAL INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXCLAIMS)

-(GROANS)
-(THUDS)

(EXCLAIMING)

(SQUISHING)

(SPLASHES)

(EXCLAIMING)

(GROWLING)

(CRASHES)

(GROANS)

I am ruined.

Ruined!

(CRYING)

Explorers leave
no stone unturned.

But sometimes,
they should.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Are you sure you
want to try out for
the football team, Porky?

I'm sure, Bugs.

Ever since I was
a little piglet,

it's been my dream
to play football
for the Fighting Foghorns

Okay, but I hope
you don't get squashed.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

All right, gather around.
Gather around.

So, it looks like nobody,
and I say, nobody
had the guts

to try out for this
finely tuned football machine.

- I'm here to try out, Coach.
- Who said that?

Show your face, spirit.

I'm down here.

I want to play
for the Foghorns.

You?

(ALL LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh.

Oh.

You're serious?

Son, look around you.

All of my players
are big, strong fellas.

Now, look at you.
You're four foot nothin',

three hundred and something,
and don't have a speck
of athletic ability.

Give me a shot, Coach?

Fine, if you want to try
and play with the big dogs,
have at it.

But don't get yourself k*lled.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Hit the ropes!

(YELLING)

Son, I say, son,
you're a real ball hog.

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, don't laugh at him.

He's trying his best.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Nobody asked you.
All right, son.
You had enough yet?

(STUTTERING) No, Coach.
I'm not gonna quit.

Well, have it your way.

All right, boys.
Monkey rolls.

-(BLOWS WHISTLE)
-(THUMPS)

Oh, man, Porky's
getting trounced out there.

I gotta do something.

(GROANING)

It's time to
kick it up a notch.

Circle up.
Tackling drills.

(GRUNTING)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Hold up, Hammy.

It looks like we've got
ourselves a mole
infiltrating our practice.

Hey, what's up, doc?

This field's for
players only, rabbit.

-(YELLING)
-(THUMPS)

Shame. I was going
for a field goal.

-(CHUCKLING)
-(THUMPS)

Heads up, Coach.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)
I done... Gone...
Swallowed... My... Whistle...

Help!

-(COUGHING)
-(THUMPS)

You saved my life, Pig.

So I'm gonna
do you a favor

and save yours in return.

You're terrible, son.

You need to leave
before you wind up
on the injured list.

Go on. Get.

- Porky?
- Not now, Bugs.

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

-(SIGHS SADLY)
- MAN: Why the long face, pal?

Oh, I tried out for
the football team, but I
ain't no good, so I quit.

Well, take it from me.

In football,
quitters never win,
and winners never quit.

Are you a football player?

No, I'm actor Sean Astin,

but I played a famous
football player in a movie.

- Was it Tom Brady?
- No.

- Cam Newton?
- No, he's...

- Serena Williams?
- That's a woman!

- Is it Secretariat?
- That's a horse!

I played Rudy Ruettiger
in the hit movie Rudy.

- I haven't seen it.
- You haven't seen it?

It's "Certified Fresh"
on Rotten Tomatoes.

Roger Ebert said
my performance was
serious and affecting.

Oh. I'll have to check it out.

That didn't sound
very sincere.

And you should check it out.

Because Rudy had a dream
to play football at
the University of Notre Dame.

He wasn't the biggest guy
or the fastest guy,

but he gave it his all,
and he never quit.

Did he make it big
in pro football?

No, his career ended
after one play.

But he worked hard
and he never gave up,
and he made the team

- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, wow!

Now, go be Rudy.

You're right,
Actor Sean Astin.
I'm going back out there.

Hold up.

Can you do me a favor,
and pass these out
to your teammates?

- What are they?
- My headshots.

You never know when
another football player

is gonna need an actor
to play him in a movie.

Okay.
Thanks, Actor Sean Astin.

Porky, what are you doing?

I'm going back to the tryouts,
and you can't stop me.

I just didn't
want you to get hurt.

But if you really
want to do this,

I've got your back.

I'm back, Coach.
Put me in!

No, thanks, son.

I don't feel like watching you
hurt yourself any more.

Put Porky in, coach.

(IN DIFFERENT VOICE)
Yeah, coach.
Let Porky play.

(IN DIFFERENT VOICE)
He's got more heart
than all of us put together.

Yeah, Coach.
Let the pig play.

Yeah, he don't quit.
Put him in!

Porky! Porky!

ALL: Porky! Porky! Porky!

Porky! Porky!

Porky! Porky! Porky!

Fine. You can play.

But when you
get beat like a pinata,

I ain't picking up the candy.

(SCREAMING)

Red Omaha!
Red Omaha!

I'm Red Omaha! Hike!

(GRUNTS)

(THUMPS)

BUGS: Yeah!

You had it in you
all along!

Hey, those are my headshots.

(TRIUMPHANT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

PORKY: Cut.

How was that, Porky?

It was great,
Sean baby.

But I think you need
to stutter more.

(STUTTERING)
You got it.

I really put the pig
in the pigskin.

(CHUCKLING)

(STUTTERING)
That's all, folks.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)