03x22 - My Kingdom for a Duck/Finders Keepers, Losers Sweepers

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Good evening.

It is I, Elmer Fudderbatch,

the greatest
Shakespearean actor

of all time.

Prepare yourselves
for five hours

of non-stop
theatrical perfection

without intermission.

(SPLUTTERING)

Five hours?

To ensure
I won't be interrupted,

we're locking the door,
so no one can leave.

(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

(DOORS LOCKING)

What the...

Now let the show begin!

"To be, or not to be,
that is the question."

DAFFY:
Here's my question,

where are the exits?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
All right, who's the wise guy

who's ruining my soliloquy?

The name's
Daffy Duck.

And this is the worst movie
I have ever seen.

This isn't a movie.

This is Shakespeare!

Whatever it is,
it's terrible.

How dare you insult
my performance?

No one interrupts
Elmer Fudderbatch.

Now get off
my stage!

(GRUNTS AND GROANS)

Hmm, costumes, props.

I think it's time
for Daffy Ducklivier
to take the stage.

"But, soft! What light
through yonder window breaks?

"It is the east,
and Juliet is the--"

Duck?

A duck by any other name
would smell as sweet.

(INHALES)

(GAGS AND COUGHS)

Whoo! I could really use
some deodorant.

"With love's light wings
did I o'erperch these walls."

You mean,
these walls?

(ELMER GROANS)

"Parting is such
sweet sorrow."

"Sweet sorrow?"
Who wrote this dreck?

Oh, when I find that
duck,
I'm gonna--

There you are!
What are you doing?

You gotta be on the stage
for the big speech from
King Lear.

But I don't have
my costume.

Don't worry.
I've got you covered.

Here's your robe.
And let's not forget
your crown.

Ah! (COUGHS)

Now, get out there,
champ.

"Blow, winds,
crack your cheeks!

(FARTING SOUND)

"Rage.

(FARTING SOUND)

"Blow."

(FARTING SOUND)

"You cataracts and hurricanoes
spout fire!"

(BLOWING)

(RUMBLING)
"Thou all-shaking thunder..."

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

I find his performance to be
long-winded.

You ruined
my storm scene!

We can talk
about it later.

You're going to wear
this kilt for your next role.

Some Scottish guy
name Macbeth.

No! Don't say the
name
of the play.

Terrible things
happen
to those who say it.

Say what?
Macbeth.

Okay, come on.

You gotta get out there
and play the King of
Scotland.

"Is this a dagger
I see before me?

"The handle toward...
The handle..."

Uh, I forgot my lines.
DAFFY: Psst.

Over here, chum.

Thanks, Mr. Duck.

(CLEARS THROAT)
"Macbeth." Macbeth?

Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth,
Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth.

Macbeth, Macbeth,
Macbeth, Macbeth.

(CRYING) Macbeth!

Wait a minute.

Oh, no.

(GROANS IN AGONY)

"Now is the winter
of our discontent,

"made glorious summer
by this sun of York."

Hey, what are
you doing?

Look, bub, this is
the winter of my
discontent.

I'm playing Richard
III,
not you.

I've got a hump.

You call that a hump?

(INHALES DEEPLY AND BLOWS)

This is a hump.

No one out-humps
Elmer Fudderbatch.

(INHALES DEEPLY AND BLOWS)

(LAUGHS)

(INHALES DEEPLY AND BLOWS) Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha-ha!

Ah! (GROANS)

I win.

You may have out-humped me,

but I've got a funny walk.

(GRUNTING)

Well, I've got a funnier walk.

(FUNNY VOICE) Walk, walk,
walk, walk.

(ELMER GROANS)
I've got an even funnier walk.

(GRUNTING)

(DAFFY GROANS)
And I've got
the funniest walk of all.

Walka, walka, walka, (SPITS)
walka, (SPITS) walka.

Walka. (SPITS AND MUMBLES)

Walka, walka, walka, walka.
(SPITS)

You know,
I think he's right.

That was pretty funny.

En garde, knave!

Hey, look,
is that Scott Bakula?

(GASPS)
World's greatest actor!
Where?

Ooh, you got me!

(DRAMATIC VOICE)
I am slain.
(GASPS)

Thou hast made worms'
meat of me.

And I hate worms' meat!

(NORMAL VOICE)
Although it's not bad
with a slice of avocado.

Ooh, I have kicked the bucket!

I've bought the farm!

(IMITATING PORKY'S
STAMMERING)
That's all, folks.

(GROANS)

(GASPING)

(GASPS AND GROANS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)

Oh, you stole
my big death scene.

Listen to
that applause.

That's not for me,
it's for you.

It is?
Oh, thank you.

Thank you. Oh, you like me.
You really like--

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

(YELLING)

Huh!
Guess I was wrong.

It was for me.
Thank you.

A'thank you,
my dearest
subjects.

Oh, you ruined my show!
I'm gonna...

(ELMER SCREAMING)

(ELMER THUDDING)

(ELMER MUTTERING IN PAIN)

In theater, they tell you
to break a leg,

but he just broke everything.

Eye of newt,
two for the price of
one.

Dirty, slimy earthworms,
half off...

And for each toadwart
you buy,

I'll throw in one of my own,
absolutely free.

Oh, dearie, I knocked over
my big box of spiders.

Broom! Get over here,
and clean this up.

Faster, you lazy broom.
And don't expect a thank you.

And while you're at it,

my gargoyle just had
an accident in the corner.
(SIGHS)

So, hop to it!

I love a good yard sale.

You never know
what you're gonna
find.

Well, look at all these
great
Halloween decorations.

(DEEP VOICE)
Beware the witch's
curse.

Or you too will suffer
a fate worse than--

Boring.
(SKULL SHATTERS)

Maybe I should look
for something more
practical.

(EERILY) Beware! Beware!

Well, hey, I guess
I could use a new broom.

How much for this one?

Oh, I'm busy, dearie.

Whatever it is, uh,
just give me a dollar.
I'll take
it.

What a deal!
A new broom
for only a
dollar.

That bunny's got
my magic broom!

No one bamboozles Witch--
(THUDS)

(GROANS AND THUDS)

(GRUNTS)

Oh, would you look at that?

The bridge is out.
I guess I'll have to go
all the way around.

Huh! Whoa!

I'm flying.

Look, Ma, no hands!

(BRAKES SCREECH)

What's up, doctress?

You took my broom from me,
and I want it back.

I didn't take it.
I paid for it.

Plus, I don't think
it wants to be with you.

It doesn't
matter
what it wants.

It's my broom.

Now give it back,
or you'll regret it.

The only thing I
regret
is this
conversation.

Now, if you'll excuse
me,
my broom and I
must be going.

If you don't give me
that broom, I shall put
a spell on you.

Do your worst.

"Spider belly, dragon bone,

"turn this rabbit
into a stone."

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)

Oh, my-- (GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

You know, I've never even
flown a broom before.

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)

WITCH HAZEL:
My wand is on empty.

Okay, okay,
time-out
swamp-breath.

"Swamp-breath"
Ooh, are you flirting with me?

As long as
we're casting
spells,

I bet I can out-spell
you
any day of the week.

Oh, you're on.

No, no, no, no.
Not that kind of spelling,
this kind of spelling.

A spelling bee?

(ANNOUNCER VOICE)
That's right.
It's a spelling bee.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

The first word to
spell
is "Osprey."

Uh, can you use it
in a sentence?

Sure. I'll spray you
with this seltzer
water.

Osprey? Uh...

"A--"
(BUZZER SOUNDS)

Ooh, time's up.

The word for our next
contestant, Bugs
Bunny,
is "Cat."

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Cat. C-A-T. Cat.

(ANNOUNCER VOICE) Correct.
Very good, Bugs.

Okay, Witch Hazel,
your next word is,

"Debris. Debris."

Uh, can you use it
in a sentence?

BUGS: When it comes to cheese,

some folks prefer decheddar,

others like debrie.

Debris.

D-- (GROANS)

Debris. D--
(BUZZER SOUNDS)

Sorry, time's up.
Bugs, your word is,

"ER."

ER. E-R.

That's not a word.
That's an abbreviation!

BUGS: (ANNOUNCER VOICE)
Luck of the draw, I guess.
Let's move on.

"Rhinoceros."

Wait! Don't use it
in a sentence.
I know how to spell it.

No, that's not your word.

I meant, look out
for that
rhinoceros!

(GRUNTS)

Come on, broom,
let's get out of
here.

(WHISTLES)

(GASPS)

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)

(WHISTLES)

(YELLS AND GROANS)

Whoa!
(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Whoa!

(WHISTLES)

Oh!

(GROANS AND BLOWS PARTY HORN)

(PLAYING INSTRUMENTS)

(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)

So long, dearie.

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)
Give me that broom,
you nasty witch!

(STRUGGLING)

(BOTH THUD)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

Look, now you
scared him away.

Me? Look at you!

You look like
a jalapeno pepper that got
run over by a garbage
truck.

Flattery won't get you
anywhere, rabbit.

Stop trying
to steal my broom.

Look, lady,
I paid for the broom,
and he's mine.

I sold him to you by accident,
so he's mine.

Well, why don't we
let
the broom decide.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Uh, I'll take
my dollar back.

All sales are final.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Aw, he's in love.

We can't break up
the bride and broom.

Of course not,
I bristle at the
thought.

Would you
look at that.

He really swept
her
off her feet.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)