05x13 - The Crass Unicorn/Billy & Mandy Begins

[bunniefuu]

[Laughing]

Raggle fraggle. Ronald...

I'm having miguel's baby.

Ugh!

Hey, grim.

Hey, grim.

Pass the popcorn, grim.

So... How was your day, mandy?

Same old, same old.

Spiritually and emotionally
fulfilling in every way.

That's too bad.

And you, billy,
how as your day?

Gimme your lunch money,
freak!

They're right.

You should sell yourself to
science.

"F minus minus."

[Grunting]
give me your lunch money,

Freak.

Loser!

Pretty rad.

And mrs. Butterbean says I get
to repeat the second grade...

Again!

How cool is that, huh?!

I must say, billy,
you have quite a positive

Outlook on things.

Yep.

Things just never seem to get to
me.

You know what they say:
ignorance is bliss.

Well, my day was absolutely
dreadful.

I couldn't find one pair of
matching socks to wear.

See?

This is why I hate it here!

Why are you two always so
negative?

I just wish there were a magical
land where we could go and be

Happy, where all the sorrow and
suffering of modern life could

Be washed away, just like in the
shampoo commercials.

[Sighs]
fine.

Here we are.

The enchanted forest.

[Farting]
[laughing]

Blecch!

Blecch!

Oh, my gosh!

This is the best place ever!

[Munching]
aah.

The clean air,
singing birds,

Happy skipping gnomes...

This place makes me sick.

Oh, too much pie shrub.

But maybe it's not so bad.

I do feel more relaxed.

That's great, grim.

I'm so happy that you're so
happy.

Aren't you happy that I'm happy
that you're happy?

How do you like it here, mandy?

The colors are gaudy,
and there's no tv.

Why aren't you happy?

This place is supposed to be
happy!

You can't force change on
people.

Oh, yes, you can.

You can force change on any...
One.

Why, hi, happy little unicorn.

What's your name?

Oh, what's it to you, you
poop-sniffing baboon?

[Grunts]
hey.

Hey, what was that for?

I don't need a reason.

But if you do,
you're ugly.

How's that?

I know I am, but what am i?

An idiot.

Have you ever thought of selling
yourself to science?

Uh, what's with all the
negativity, little unicorn?

I could give you some long
disenchanted speech about

Horseflies and childhood
hardship...

And how other people can be so
cruel, and how they're always

Trying to take your lunch money
or hit you with dodge ba*ls,

But something tells me it would
go right in one ear and out the

Other.

Did you say something?

I thought unicorns were
supposed to be the ultimate

Symbol of good and beauty.

Well, excuse me for being
different!

Different, huh?

You're my kind of unicorn.

I'm mandy,
and it's barely nice to meet

You.

I'm mary frances.

Likewise.

What to go tease those
leprechauns?

She doesn't fit in here!

She's ruining this paradise for
everyone... But mainly me.

Everything here is beautiful,
sincere, and honest...

Like reality tv.

But that unicorn is rude and
corrupt... Like a cartoon!

Billy, maybe all she needs is
a change of scenery, too.

Oh, I'll change her,
all right.

She'll love lima beans by the
time I'm done with her.

Trust me, billy,
you can't force change.

Well, I used to try to keep
my diapers on, but my mom forced

Them to change.

So, now I just wet my pants.

Stop putting your enormous
nose where it doesn't belong.

Mary frances is who I am.

I'm not changing for anyone...
Especially you.

Now, get lost.

You're starting to stink up the
place.

[Burps]
I'll change her!

You'll see!

She'll see beauty,
good, and happiness

If it's the last thing I do!

There she is... Eating... Again.

So, what's your bright idea?

I think so feel-good exercise
is in order.

And what do you know about
exercise?

Exercise can be painful,
but it's worth it in the end.

Mary frances, I'm here to help.

I'm busy.

Yes, I can see.

You're eating... A lot.

I think you might benefit
physically and emotionally from

Some good old-fashioned
exercise!

[Farts]
[inhales]

And a post-exercise shower!

How do you feel about a
horseback ride?

Huh?!

Oh, dude... Whoo!

Oof!

He was right.

Painful, but definitely worth
it.

Is it time to go home now?

Perhaps it is.

[Muffled grunting]
not yet.

I have another
idea... If I don't die.

I'm not wearing this.

Aw.

Aw, trust me.

How you feel on the inside is
directly affected by how you

Look on the outside.

Fine.

But this is stupid.

[Gasps]
have mercy!

Awesome!
Wow!

That is something!

Yeah.

I don't feel any better,
little boy.

Then let's try on another.

And another.
And another.

And another.

I'm telling you,
I don't feel better.

I don't know what you're
talking about, but I feel great!

Look!

I'm fancy-free!

I'm gonna help you release
this pent-up anger.

Can't wait.

Very good.

Mm-hmm.

I'm going to say a word,
and you say the first thing that

Comes to mind.

Mmm... Ahem.

Sarmadarphilus.

It has to be a real word,
stupid.

Fine!

Ahem!

Happy.

Dookie.

Sad.

Hoop doopie.

Funny.

Cow patty.

Deep.

as*ault and battery.

Guilt.
Food, baby.

Ugly.

Your mama.

You know, I'm just trying to
help!

Well, you... Yo mama is... Wait!

I'm having a vision,
a suppressed memory of my mama.

She and all the other unicorns
fled into the sea long ago when

Darkness came over the land...
That was back when this show

First premiered.

They were running.

There we were running,
running toward the sea.

Mary frances.

Mary frances, you must come with
us.

The sea holds a new life for us
with food, light, and cable.

Won't you come, mary frances?

So, why didn't you follow
them?

I couldn't swim.

That's it?

I wanted a story with ninjas.

Oh, I wouldn't expect you to
understand.

Just leave me alone.

Sheesh!

So sensitive.

It's that whole change thing
you're trying to force onto her.

Don't you ever listen?

What'd you say?

Mary frances,
I bet those unicorns aren't all

Jerks like you.

You just feel left and
abandoned.

I think you're right, billy.

And you feel lonely.

You're right, billy.

And there's still flies
buzzing all round your butt.

Oh, you are so right.

So, I haves an idea.

Let's teach you to swim.

Do you think they would
accept me then?

They won't have a choice,
will they?

I feel so much better now
that I've learned to swim.

Sure!

All you needed was some positive
reinforcement.

And I guess I have you,
billy, to thank for that.

Hey, look, guys!

It's mary frances!

Where've you been,
mary frances?

It's about time,
mary frances.

Late as usual.

"F minus minus" for
attendance.

Give me your lunch money,
dweeb.

Loser!

Oh, look!

She's got monkeys around her
butt instead of flies!

[Laughter]
hey, don't let it get to you.

Those creeps back home say the
same things to me,

And it's don't bug me one bit.

See?

This is why I never came down
here.

These unicorns were all jerks...
Bigger jerks than me,

Than you!

No wonder I stayed back.

No wonder I hate everything.

You just bring back the pain
and sorrow.

Why don't you just go back where
you came from and leave me

Alone!

Ow!

Unicorns are my kind of
people.

There he is.

Billy, you alive?

[Groaning]
what happened?

Hey, where are we?

Some kind of enchanted fantasy
dreamland?

You mean you don't remember
anything?

Who are you?

Hmm.

This gives me an idea.

I wonder if billy is happy.

Who cares?

Good point.

Grim, pass the popcorn.

It's miguel's baby!

He's escaped from prison,
and he's coming after you.

Hey, loser,
how'd you like that speedo

Wedgie.

Yo mama is so ugly,
she could only be yo mama.

Hey, somebody puncture his
inner tube.

Aah.

This place is paradise.

[Pop]

[Roaring]

"Take us somewhere cool,
grim.

Somewhere exciting with giant
sea monsters."

Well, are you happy now?

Um, I wanted to go to the
mall.

I don't remember anyone asking
for giant sea monsters.

How'd we get into this mess,
yo?

This stuff never happens to my
brother.

Well, it all started a long
time ago.

It was in the spring just before
my parents got married.

The stork was making a special
delivery.

Billy...

I don't think we need to go back
quite that far.

Obviously our crazy adventures
began the day we met grim.

Hey, I don't think I ever
heard the story of how you guys

Met.

It all started a long
time ago in a galaxy called

Steve.

This is moon base alpha to
daddy's little helper.

I repeat: this is moon base
alpha to daddy's little helper.

Come in.

What's your 10-20?

Over.

This is daddy's little
helper.

What's up?!

Aagh!

Just then, the doorbell rang.

[Ding dong]
I didn't know that fate was

About to step in and change my
life forever.

Only it wasn't fate.

It was private major mandy of
space patrol.

Good to see you, rick.

I bring good news from home on
earth.

Billy, I may be a c*ptive
audience for your stupid story,

But I won't let you make me look
like that.

Well, what are you gonna do
about it?

[Grunts]
oof!

Sheesh!

Anyway...

Mandy walks in,
and she's a big jerk.

All right, listen up,
ape-face.

I don't like you,
and you don't like me.

I like you.

Shut up.

We've got a special mission
for you.

Check out these
spectro-cosmotographeronicus

Readings.

Hmm.

Hmm!

Mm-hmm.
Hmm.

Just as I thought.

Our deep space moon radar has
revealed the source of ultimate

Power.

Get your bags packed,
major private.

We're going to rome.

Beneath the colosseum is where
we'll find the first bones,

Major privates.

Bones of what?

The first bones of the grim
reaper.

Reconstructing the reaper is the
key to ultimate power.

So, how can I help you?

We're looking for the bones
of the reaper.

That'll be 6 euros.

How about if I trade you this
monkey head?

Are you out of your mind,
you little weirdo?!

Deal!
Ha ha.

Ha ha.
Ha ha ha.

Let's go.

[Laughing]
I've always wanted my own

Monkey head.

Ha ha ha ha.

Next we were off to ancient
egypt to get the robe of ra.

The temple of ra, mandy.

[Sniffing]
ew!

Smells like my grandpa in here.

Let's find this stupid robe and
get out of here.

There it is,
mandy... The death rome of ra.

I gots it!

Hee hee hee hee!

Come on, you mummies!

[Giggling]
ok, mummies,

Let's give them the mummies
curse!

Gimme a "c!"
"C!"

Gimme a "u!"
"U!"

Gimme an "r, s, e!"
What's that spell?!

Curse!

Let's beat it before they do
show tunes.

Heather, I told you,
we're never gonna get to

Regionals if you keep cursing
people.

Next we were off to find
the final artifact.

Next we were off to find
the final artifact.

This is it... The
skull of the reaper.

It's about time I was in this
stupid story.

A bag of sand?

How clever!

And it's just about my weight.

Sand?!

Ultimate power!

Hee hee hee hee!

Now you've gone and done it!

We'll never get out alive.

They'll probably send the great
ball of whoo-whoo.

Whoo-whoo?

Whoo-whoo!

Run!

Aagh!

Aagh!

That is the biggest dung
beetle I've ever seen!

So, that night,
after a long bath,

We put the artifacts of ultimate
power into a hot cauldron.

The bones and the rope
and finally the reaper's skull!

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha!

I'm back!

Oh, thank you, children.

Thank you!

From this moment on, I am your
humble servant,

And I will share with you my
gift of ultimate power!

What is ultimate power?

Why, mandy, everyone knows
that ultimate power comes

From... Dancing!

[Disco plays]

Stop!

That is the dumbest story I've
ever heard.

Oh, right, mandy,
I imagined it all.

Just like I imagined that my
cereal bowl was talking to me.

You did imagine that,
tush-for-brains.

Um, guys, the sea serpent.

Shut up, irwin.

The sea serpent can wait.

The important thing is that you
hear the real story of what

Happened the night I met billy
and mandy.

I had everything a reaper
could want...

Money, power, the life of an
attractive young bachelor.

Great festivals were thrown
nightly in my honor.

We love you, grim!

[Shrieking]
yello.

Reaper speaking.

[Growling]
hmm.

An emergency, you say?

[Growling]
I see.

Well, ok, then.

Thanks, alice.

Ladies and gentle monsters,
an urgent matter has come which

Requires my immediate attention.

There's gonna be a reaping!

Go reap 'em, grimmy!

Tell it to 'em good!

Whoo!

[Cheering]
I'll be right back, people.

Little did I know,
I was never coming back.

Mr. Hobnobbins,
I have come for thee!

Who's a... Huh... What?!

Me hard of hearing.

Come closer so I can smell you
more better.

[Wheezing]
I said, "mr. Hobnobbins,

I have come for thee!"
Now, let's go.

I've got a cab outside with the
meter running.

[Laughing]
now!

What the?!

You've done well, billy.

Really?!

I did good, master?

[Barking]
good boy, billy.

Looks like we've got ourselves
a new best friend...

Forever.

Foolish mortals.

You dare taunt the grim reaper?!

Duh!

It rubs the lotion on its skin
or else it gets the hose again.

Don't worry, billy.

I'll put this bag of bones in
his place.

Ow!

En guard, reaper.

Ha ha ha ha.

Surely you jest.

Don't call me shirley.

[Growls]
behind you, new best friend.

Now you're asking for it.

Suffer, mortal.

Yay!

Do it again.

I love you, best friend.

Ugh!

Let's see your moves, reaper.

I think you'll find my moves
are k*ller.

Try this on for size.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha.

Ah ha ha ha...
Huh?!

Grim, join us...

And be our best friend forever.

I'll never join you!

Step aside, mandy.

[Fart sound]
tagged and bagged.

Good.

Let's get him back to endsville
so he can do the dishes.

And I wash dishes every day...
Forever.

Wow, yo!

That story must be true.

Mandy didn't interrupt once.

[Snoring]
huh?

Huh?

What?

Mandy, the rope is breaking.

The rope can wait, grim.

Billy's story is preposterous.

And, grim, I don't need to be
awake to tell that your version

Is a bunch of hooey.

The way it really happened was
like this.

Grim came to reap billy's


We all sat down and had a tea
party where I challenged grim to

A duel.

He took to limbo for a big
surprise... A game of limbo.

Naturally, grim underestimated
my powers, and we were able to

Defeat him...
Freeing mr. Snuggles and forcing

Grim into a lifetime of
friendship and servitude.

Oh, please, mandy.

That didn't even look like us.

Hey, those are cool stories,
yo, but what I was really asking

Was how we got into this mess...
Like, hanging over this pit on a

Rope and the sea serpent and
all.

Irwin, we only fell down here
about 10 minutes ago.

It is a pretty crazy story
though.

Yeah, it's full of adventure
and excitement.

It all started back when...
[Burps]

[Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group]

Billy, I command you to
destroy.

Mandy says I'm just imagining
you, talking cereal.

Mandy lies.

You must destroy her, too.

[Coughing]
what are you doing?

Stop it.

Don't do that again.

Now, what you must do
is take up the sword against...

Aagh!

[Munching]
I can't hear you.

Stop it, stop it!

I command you!

Cant hear the screaming.