05x09 - Dumb-Dumbs and Dragons/Fear and Loathing in Endsville

[bunniefuu]

[Laughing]

Ordinary morality
is for ordinary people.

[Grunting]
this is for

Not returning my lawnmower!

Ow!

Always give back the things
that you borrow.

[Groaning]

Oh, that hoss delgado!

I want to grow up to be just
like him!

You mean a sad, pathetic,
muscle-bound, dumb-as-rocks,

Middle-aged mama's boy?

Yeah!

He's a true hero!

Bah!

He's no hero.

That term has been so twisted
that nobody even knows what it

Means anymore.

Hey, billy!

Guess what, yo!

My mom says it's safe for you to
sleep over now.

I'm over my special problem, yo.

You're a hero!

Ugh!

I just ate 12 pizzas without
throwing up!

You're a hero!

I just popped a huge
pus-filled pimple on my back.

You're a hero!

See what I mean?!

Back in the old days, you'd have
to do something really

Exceptional to be called a hero,
like slaying an evil wizard

Or rescuing a princess.

But the one sure-fire way of
instantly becoming a hero was to

Fight a mighty dragon in a
one-on-one battle.

Ok!
I'll try that!

Try what?

Fighting a dragon!

So that I may become a hero,
too!

You wouldn't last one
one-trillionth of a second.

Oh, please, grim.

I wants to be a hero, too!

As much as I'd like to see
you get ripped to shreds by a

Dragon...
Ok!

You can do it.

And I know just the person to
train you.

Where are we, grim?

We're in the middle ages,
a time when noble knights put on

About 20 extra pounds and
decided to buy fast horses so

They could still impress the
damsels in distress.

So, when are we gonna find a
dragon, grim?

First, billy, you must learn
from the greatest dragon-slayer

Who ever slew a dragon.

Good old boss del...
Aagh!

[Grunting]
hey, punchy?

What is it, little boy?

We need you to do something
for us.

What do you want?

We need someone to turn this
pathetic, sad, idiot of a boy

Into a pathetic sad
dragon-slayer.

I have a strict policy.

Ow!

Ha ha ha ha!

I don't work with idiots.

All right.

I'll cut you a deal.

You train billy to last at least
one minute against a dragon, and

I'll let you beat the snot out
of grim any time you...

Deal!

Mandy!

He looks just like...
Don't remind me.

All right, listen,
if we do this,

We do this my way or not at all.

But, be warned:
the training will be long,

Grueling, and painful...
Like when I make a stinky.

But I will guarantee you this:
after the agonizing, torturous

Training is complete, maybe,
just maybe... If you're lucky...

I'm not making any promises,
but if you play your cards

Right, you might... Just might...
Probably... Probably...

Become a hero.

But most likely not.

Yay!

Wait a second.

Prepare to scythe wipe.

Now listen, albert,
before we get to the actual

Combat training, first things
first.

I need this list of chores done.

But I want to learn how to
k*ll!

In due time, albert.

Start the training montage
footage.

[Farts]

Aah!

Now the armpits.

[Sighs]
I take it you're upset by

Something.

Oh, yeah!

I'm tired of doing your stupid
chores for you!

You said you were gonna teach me
how to slay a dragon so that I

Could become a hero, but,
so far, I haven't learned

Jack squat!

I say you have learned
jack squat.

Grab that sword next to you.

Show me fan the flies.

Show me scrub my back.

Now show me chop the wood.

Oh, I get it!

By working me nearly to death
doing all these chores, you were

Secretly teaching me combat
training.

You are the greatest
dragon-slayer in the world!

Now, bobby,
before you go and challenge any

Dragon to deadly combat, you
must first learn about your

Enemy.

Can I just find a dragon and
chop its head off and eat its

Skin and wear its bones like
a hat?

Not yet.

Now, listen carefully.

There, beyond those hills,
lies the last living dragon

And goes by the terrible name of
killdozer.

[Gasps]
I want you to go there and

Observe him in secret.

Find his weakness.

You must remain out of sight,
for he won't hesitate to eat you

Whole.

Then can I eat his skin
and wear his bones like a hat?

[Sighs]
yes.

[Buzzer]
who is it?

It's me, billy!

I came to secretly observe you
so I can find out your

Weaknesses so I can eventually
chop your head off and eat your

Skin and wear your bones like a
hat.

Hold on.

Hi, billy.

Welcome to my home.

My name's... Uh,
um... Harold. No, no, no.

Irving.

Sylvester?

Ricardo.
Samuel?

Ponch... Jamal!

Hey, killdozer,
what's with all this exercising

Junk?

I like to work out.

It keeps my mind sharp and
focused.

You like shakes?

I like shakes!

Say, you want to try one of my
health shakes?

Nah, not right now.
Ok.

I'll go get you one.

Here you go.

Good, huh?

Let me get this straight.

You like to work out all day and
night and drink these gross

Healthy shakes.

It's no wonder you're the last
dragon alive.

All the other dragons have all
been out partying it up,

Living their lives to the
fullest.

It's time to start
living it up...

Billy style!

Aagh!

Yeah!

[Retching]
[burp]

[Tarzan yell]
[laughter]

[Techno playing]
wow, billy.

This is the most fun I ever had.

You're the greatest!

No, killdozer, you're the
greatest!

It's too bad I gotta slay you
tomorrow so that I can finally

Become a hero, or else we could
hang out all the time.

Bye, killdozer.

So, did you learn that
vicious dragon's weakness,

Billy?

I sure did.

Are you ready to be a hero
then?

Yes!

Good.

Then your journey is almost
complete.

Only one thing remains.

[Ringing]
hello?

Hello, vicious dragon.

This is sir boss del guapo...
You may have heard of me,

The world's greatest
dragon-slayer.

No, sorry.

No?

Your friends never talked about
me?

No.

I... I don't think so.

Huh.

Anyway, I called to challenge
you to a fight.

The thing is,
I'm not feeling too well at the

Moment.

I had a late night last night.

Well, according to the dragon
code of honor, any dragon must

Accept any challenge made
against him no matter what the

Cost.

See you at tartarus, dragon!

Tell killdozer I said hi!

No!
Get away!

Tell him!
I said no!

Hi, killdozer!

Get away from the phone,
you little...

All right, russell.

You ready to become the hero you
were born to be?

Hi, billy!

Hi, killdozer!

Oh, man!

Cut that out.

Now, attack the dragon and bring
me back his head.

Yes, sir!

Billy, are you sure you want
to go through with this?

I have to, grim.

It's the only way of becoming
a true hero.

Now, step aside.

I can't do it!

I knew he didn't have it in
him.

Enrique, what are you doing?!

Slice his head off with your
sword, man!

No!

I won't do it!

Dragons are our friends!

Well, if you won't,
then I'll have to do it myself!

Die, vile dragon!

Quick, grim,
your scythe.

Yeah, what about it?

Throw it to billy, quick.

Oh, right.

Billy, catch!

Billy, you saved my life!

You're my hero.

Hero?

Do you mean it?

Mandy, grim... I'm a hero!

I'm a hero!

You're no hero, billy.

You're just a boob who got
lucky.

So, where did boss go to, grim?

I don't know, mandy.

The scythe could have completely
obliterated him, or zapped him

Into some freaky dimension.

Egg rolls!

Half off today only.

Egg rolls, half off!

Hello, kind sir.

Would you like to come in and
try our new egg rolls?

Hmm?

Egg rolls, huh?

Sounds good.

Man, that guy was ugly.

Oh, I hope dracula likes
these peanut butter and blood

Cookies I made him.

I'll take cancelled tv shows
for 300, alex.

See you later, kids!

I'm off to bother some old
people.

Hey!

This show starred a bear with
an evil brain attached.

Bye!
Oh, come on.

Surely someone has seen that
show.

I guess not.

This neutral country is famous
for swiss cheese, swiss

Chocolate, and swiss bank
accounts.

What is peru?

What is switzerland?

Switzerland.

Dracula knew that.

Hey, dracula.

How's my favorite retired
monster?

Who you supposed to be?

Uh, I'm the grim reaper.

You ain't gonna take dracula
without a fight.

Dracula still got lots of ladies
to love.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm your friend, remember?

Here.

I brought these for you.

What them?

Cookies.

Look more like a box of pity.

Dracula don't need your pity.

[Sobs]
sorry to bother you, dracula.

I just wanted to do something
nice is all...

'Cause you're my
childhood hero...

The guy I always looked up to...

Almost like a father-figure.

The one...
Let dracula see what you got.

Dracula hate peanut butter.

Oh.

Tell you what, though.

If you want, you can go with
dracula to the early-bird dinner

At fanny's cafeteria.

Dracula love the early-bird
special!

Especially the fried fish!

What are you doing?!
Uh...

I was gonna drive.

You think dracula too old to
drive?

Move over.

Dracula show you he still got
juice in his caboose.

[Groans] hey,
dracula, are you ok?

Do dracula look ok to you?!

Are we near fanny's cafeteria?!

I don't think we're near
anything.

Why we out here?!

You were the one driving.

I thought you knew where you
were going.

If you don't like the way
dracula drive, then you take the

Wheel.

Hang on.

I'm gonna teleport us home.

Oh, wait.

Don't tell me I forgot to charge
up this stupid scythe this

Morning.

Well, I guess we're walking
back.

Dracula getting a tingling
feeling.

Hmm.

Must be dracula's bladder acting
up.

Here.

Let's keep you out of the sun.

♪ Through miles of sand
and bleached white dirt

They shambled on
till their ankles hurt

The buzzards sailed high
overhead

Riding on currents of thick
hot dread

And the sun burned their hearts
like an angry woman

It scorched their souls
like an angry woman

Oh
like an angry woman

And then out of the west
blew a breeze of luck


♪ An angel of mercy

What was wrapped in steel
with an unwashed man

Stinking up behind the wheel ♪
♪ and the road stretched on

Like an angry woman
and the cab smelled like

French fries like an angry woman
phew

An angry woman ♪
what's that smell?

You know...

Everybody thinks that once a
fingernail falls off, it's

Useless.

But that's wrong, see.

I've been writing a book about
fingernail arts and crafts.

Yeah.

Take a look at this.

What's that?

Fingernail sunglasses!

The hardest part is finding the
fingernails, so sometimes I

Substitute toenails.

Don't tell no one.

Say... You got some nice hands.

Dracula gonna get the heck
out of here!

Dracula don't want end up in
lancaster!

Calm down!

We'll be at the diner soon.

Hey!

You two ain't gonna steal my
fingernail book idea!

Is you?

Uh, no.

I promise, it's all yours.

Don't nobody tell dracula
what he can or can't do.

Dracula is all man!

If dracula want to steal
something, then dracula gonna

Steal it!

Dracula, hush, please!

[Stammering]
we're not gonna steal

Anything.

Speak for yourself.

Stop it!

Great!

Now I'm mad.

And when I'm mad,
the only thing that calms me

Down is... The game.

Oh!


I win again, see!

This is a fun game.

Hey, just a thought,
but if you're here,

Who's driving the truck?

[Tires squeal]
[screaming]

Oh, give me a break!

Well, fellas,
I think I'm gonna...

Go on my own way.

No offense,
but you two kind of creep me

Out.

Great.

Now how is dracula supposed to
get to the early-bird special?

This is all skeleton man's
fault.

Dracula wanted to call a limo.

There aren't any limos in the
desert.

You can't tell dracula what
is or ain't in the desert.

Ok.

Then show me a limo.

There.

Dracula see a limo.

That's a cactus.

This limo hurt dracula's
butt!

♪ The sun dropped low
down in the sky

Like a pair of pants
on an urban guy

Their stomachs cried out
with a rumbling roar

Till they just pert near
couldn't walk no more ♪

♪ They tried to eat a cactus
like an angry woman ♪

♪ And scorpions chased them now
like an angry woman ♪

Aagh!

♪ An angry woman

All this stomping make

Dracula even hungrier!

If only there was something
to eat.

Pass dracula some more of that
cajun spice.

[Crunch]
mmm!

Tasty.

My babies!

Well, maybe if you didn't
make your babies so delicious,

Dracula wouldn't have had to
eat 'em!

Aagh!
Ow!

Aagh!

You leave dracula alone!

Aagh!

I didn't mean jab me, dang it!

Aagh!

Oh!

Aagh!
Oh!

Aagh!

Aagh!
Ow!

Oh!

Aagh!

Aagh!

Ow!

Oh!

Oh, now you're scared of
dracula.

You afraid to find out what
dracula made of 'cause dracula

Made of... Oh!

Dracula.

Dracula!

Hurry.

I'm in terrible pain!

You gotta suck out the poison.

Uh-uh!

Dracula don't suck.

You're a vampire.

Vampires suck... Blood.

No, see, that's a myth.

Dracula scrape with his fangs
and lick up the blood.

Like this.

See?

Scrape and lick.

[Groaning]
scrape and lick.

But what about my poison?

Didn't you just hear dracula
explain the scrape and lick?

Dracula gonna tell it again for
dummies that don't pay

Attention.

Scrape and lick.

[Groans]
scrape and lick.

Scrape and lick.

Scrape and lick.

Dracula think your cookies
nasty.

[Burp]
need cajun spice.

[Laughter] life begins,
life ends.

We are all spokes on the wheel.

We are all hollow men.

[Groaning]
dracula?

Aah!

Dracula sleep underground,
get his strength back.

Kind of hard though
with skeleton man yelling all

Night.

"Oh, the pain!

Ooh, it hurts so bad!

Somebody save me!"
Ha.

Skeleton man never shut up.

Well, I would have been quiet
if you had just sucked out my

Poison.

Dracula don't suck!

Dracula...
Scrape and lick, I know!

Now, get your butt up.

Dracula still gotta make it to
the early-bird special.

Why are you such a selfish
old man?!

What you say?!

Nobody calls dracula old!

You care more about that
stupid buffet that ended

Yesterday than you do about me!

What do you know about me?!

Nothing!

You don't even know my name.

You're name
is dummy!

And if you knew anything about
anything, you'd know there's an

Early-bird special every single
day of the week!

You just don't understand!

You'll never understand!

Never!

[Sobbing] no fried
fish for dracula then.

Raggle-fraggle!

Aagh!

A sand bandit!

Um... Actually,
we prefer people of sand.

And after all the nice things
I did for him, he still acts

Like a big jerk!

I'm sorry to hear that, grim.

Still, you're pretty lucky
having someone to look up to.

Out here, I don't have anyone.

It's just me.

It gets lonely... So very,
very lonely.

Do you ever get lonely, grim?

Hey, those microwave pizzas
must be done by now.

Oh, I'll go check!

Why is my arm all itchy?

Those look like... Scrape marks!

Then that means...

Dracula sure hope nobody see
him do this.

I gotta go!

I gotta go find dracula.

Here.

Take my car.

Thanks.

♪ He drove fast
♪ he drove far

♪ He busted them dunes
in his big old car

The buzzards fled
at the sight of him ♪

♪ The sight of the one
that they call grim ♪

♪ They went over the speed limit
like an angry woman

They caused property damage
like an angry woman

Oh, man
just like an angry woman ♪

Aah!

That was some mighty fine
fried fish.

Yes, it was, dracula.

Yes, it was!

Your check, gentlemen.

Thank you, baby.

How much do I owe?

Oh, no, no, no.

This one on dracula.

Thanks, dracula.

Dracula pay it up front
so we can get going.

What a swell guy.

Hey, grim.

How was... I don't
want to talk about it.

It's useless.

But that's wrong.

The hardest part is finding the

Fingernails, so sometimes I
substitute toenails.

Ha ha.

Don't tell no one.