02x11 - Test of Time/A Kick in the Asgard

[bunniefuu]

[Evil laughter]

- Give me a cheeseburger
with no onions,

A small order of fries,
and a soda.

[Rooster crows]

[Whistling]

[Cow mooing]

[Chickens clucking]

- Don't forget that
your reports are due
tomorrow, children.

[Groaning]

- Boy, I hate history reports.

- Duh. Only a real dork
would like doing homework.

- Oh, I can't wait to give
my history report tomorrow.

I like homework.

- See?
- Ha ha ha!

- So, aren't you
going to ask me

What history book
assignment I got?

- Uh, no.

- It's on
the canadian revolution.

Do you know what language
they speak

In certain parts of canada?

- Ooh! I know!

They talk turkey.

- French.

- D'oh!
I was gonna say that.

- And do you know what
french is the language of?

- Oh, yeah!

It's the language
of turkeys.

- It's the language of love.

- I think I'm going
to be sick.

- What assignment did you get?

- "Drum music
of the american revolution."

- Maybe you would like
to have a study partner,

Say, moi.

- The canadian revolution,
you say?

Well, you may not
be canadian,

But you sure are revolting.

- Touche.

- Gesundheit.

- What did you get, pinhead?

- "A not so brief
history of time

By steven hawkwing."

- I think it's a horror story.

Ooh!

- It's not a horror story,
you idiot.

Steven hawkwing writes
about theoretical physics.

- Ooh!

- Well, my cherie,
I must be going.

I bid you adieu.

- Gesundheit.

- Pinhead.

- Time, time, time.

"T" by "x" over "y"
plus "m" divided by 365

Divided by "e" squared
by pi.

Of course!

Pie!

[Ring]

Hello?

Hello, this is
the billy residence.

This is billy speaking
on the phone.

Whom may I say
is calling, please?

- It's me... Irwin.

Just checking to see
how your report is going.

- Can't talk. Studying pie.

[Dial tone]

- Now when trucks go crazy!

[Ring]

- Hello, please.
This is the house
of billy's residence

With billy
speaking on the phone.

Who is calling may I say
on the phone it is?

- Hey, billy. It's me... Irwin.
How's the report going?

- Can't talk right now, irwin.
Too busy watching television.

- Eh?

[Quack quack]

- Aha!

[Ring]

Look, irwin.

I'm in the middle of something
important right now, so...

- Irwin, sweetie.

Better get back to work
on that history report.

- Ah! Sure, dad.

I was, uh,
just taking a break.

[Whistling]

- Hey there. Ooh! Eek!

You look different, irwin.

- Oh, you must have
noticed my large

And rather bulbous cranium.

It's swollen from all
of the studying that I did

For that big
history report today.

Well, looks like I wasn't
the only one

Hitting the books last night.

[Laughing]

- Hey there, pinhead.

Looks like you missed out
on studying last night, billy.

- Hey.

Wait a minute.
I know what's going on here.

This is all just a dream,
and I should be waking up

Right about...

This is no dream.

This is no dream!

Grim! Grim? Grim!

Grim. Grim!

- Billy.
- Grim!

What's all the yelling about?

- My brain is too small.

- You don't say.

- I didn't study
for my history report,

And now I've run out
of time.

You'll help me, right, grim?

- Um, well, i, uh...
- Right, grim?

- Uh... I can't, billy.

My, um...

I've got to wash my hair.

- Really?

Oh, man.
What are the chances of...

Hey, wait a minute!

Do you think I'm stupid?

- Well, you're...

- When I asked you to be
my tango partner yesterday,

You said that you couldn't
because you had to
"wash your hair."

Nobody washes their hair
that much.

- [Whistling]

- Hey! You better help me,
grim, or else.

- Or else what?

- Or else I won't
stop doing... This!

- Wow. That's...
- Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!

Pbbt!

[Clucking]

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh! Ooh!

Ehh!

- Ok! Ok!

- Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

- Ok!

- Thanks.

Awesome!

We're gonna watch tv?

- This is not
a television remote.

It's a universal
remote control.

- Whoa! That's great!

- We'll take
that unicorn remote

And whack my sister's
teacher on the head

And then she'll go
unsubconscious and faded,

And you and I will
head for the border
and hide out in belgium.

So we steal this
truck and drive all night

Like two escaped converts
on the lam,

And then when we get to bolivia,
we begin a new life,

And we start
a flying mackerel farm.

[Clucking]

- No, billy.

This remote controls
the space-time continuum.

We can turn back time with it,

Which means you have
all the time you need

To study for your
history report.

- That's great!

Ha ha ha ha!

Huh? Huh?

- So now you see, billy.

With this device,
we can get back more time

For you to work on that report.

- Or we can have a ton of fun.

- Come on, billy.
Hand it over.

- Yeah, right. As if.

- Why, you little...

- Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Metronome ticking]

Good evening, andy.
How are you this fine day?

- Pinhead.

- Hee hee hee.

- Pinhead.

- Ha ha ha!

- Pinhead.

- Ha ha ha h* hee!

- Hmm. Deja vu.

- Hee hee hee!
Gesundheit.

- Hmm. Deja vu.

- Gesundheit!
Ha ha ha!

- What's this?

- Hey, that's mine!

- Hmm. This is a space-time
continuum remote control

That you got from grim,
isn't it?

- Yes, it is.

- Is this
space-time remote mine?

- Yes, it is.

- This thing may come in handy

For my history book
assignment.

- Hey! That remote control
is mine.

I want to see the dinosaurs.

- I think you're forgetting
the little conversation

We had earlier.

This remote is mine,

And I'm going to see
the revolution.

- Righty-h*, gentlemen.

Let's defeat
these revolting yankees.

- All right,
fellow american dudes.

Let's kick some limey butt!

[High-pitched voice]
ow!

Take this,
you filthy limey...

- Treasonous yankee blighter.

- Now where
is that drummer boy?

Figures.

- Come on.
Let's get out of here.

This is boring.

[Drumming]

Huh huh hee hee!

Awesome! Ooh!

- Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

- Ooh! Monkeys!

Ha ha ha!

- Ok. I've had enough of this.

It's time to get back
to the future.

- Hey, wait!

I want to play
with the monkeys.

- Too bad.

- Give it here!

Whoa! This must be
the future.

- Look. There's your house.

- Ooh! Let's go inside.

Hey, who is the old dork
with the cool clothes?

- That's you, pinhead.

- Oh! Ehh!

- It's taken 42 years,
but I finally finished.

If only there was a way
that I could go back in time

And give this report
to my, uh... Teacher.

- I got an idea.

- Hey!

[Flushes]

- Hee hee hee!
Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

[Laughter]

- Where do you think
you're going?

- To the revolution.

[All shouting at once]

- Something's not right.

[Screaming]

Billy must have the remote.

- Where are all the monkeys?

Oof!

Do you know what language
they speak in canada?

- Hey there, billy.
- Hey there, irwin.

Are you ready to give
your history report?

- Ha ha ha! No.
Too busy watching television.

- Me, too!

[Laughing]

- Yeah. We were too busy
eating pie to study.

[Laughter]

- Hey there, pinhead.

Mandy! Are you ready
to give your history report?

- Ha! Yeah, right.

[Laughter]

[Thunder]

[Electricity crackling]

- Cool!

Hee hee hee!

Ha ha ha!

- Aah!

- Hee hee hee!

[Snoring]

- Aah!

- Hee hee hee.

Shocking development.
Hee hee hee.

- Ok, grim.
When the rainbow appears,

You take me to the end,

And we shake down
the leprechauns
for their gold.

- [Whistling]

- Hey, dudes. Uh, what's up?

- What are you up to, billy?

- Oh, just... This!

- Ouch.

- I zapped grim!
I zapped grim!

- Yes, yes, you zapped me.

Now take your stinky
static-charged hands
off my scythe.

Help me pull myself together

Before my ash
gets washed away.

- So where'd billy go?

- The scythe was overloaded
by all that static electricity

And sent billy
to the great beyond.

Oh, this kind of thing
happens from time to time.

It's no biggie.

- Should we go
to the underworld...

I don't believe
I'm saying this...

And try to bring him back?

- The underworld?
Mandy, please.

There are hundreds
of different great beyonds,

And billy could have been
sucked into any one of them.

We'd be much better off
going back to your house

And ordering a pizza.

- Ok, then.

- [Speaking
foreign language]

Aah!

- Great. This is the stiff
that billy replaced

In the great beyond.

- Ugh!

- Yay! Sprinkler!

- Get off my lawn,
you filthy kid.

- Aah! Aah!

[Man speaking
foreign language]

- Apparently,
he has a decided dislike

For topiary.

- Quite.

- [Speaking foreign language]

- This is going to be
a paperwork nightmare.

- So, how do we find billy?

- Pbbt!

- Hi, pony!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hi, pony.

Did you come to help me?

Oh. Should I grab your tail?

- Ahem. Welcome to asgard,
brave and mighty norseman.

Have you traveled far?

- I like ponies. Vanilla?

- Taken a few too many knocks
to the old melon, have we?

Not to worry. We see a lot
of that here in asgard.

- Come, little
brain-addled norseman.

Let me show you your new home.

Asgard.

These are the valkyries

In the fountains
of bubbling nectar.

- Wha... What? Who?

- As a norseman of asgard,

You have unlimited access
to the fountain.

[Gulping]

- Cool! It's root beer.

[Burp]

[Slurping]

[Gulping]

- Come, young norseman.

[Gulping]

There is much more
to behold.

[Burp]

- Didn't you say I had
unlimited access

To the fountain?

- Yes, but...

- But nothing!
I am still accessing.

[Gulping]

- Oh.

- [Giggling]

- Well, I guess
a little break won't hurt.

[Cuckoo clock]

- Odin will have my head
on a pike.

Surely a warrior
with such a mighty thirst

Must have a hunger to match.

- Food? Well,
that's all you had to say.

- You get to eat
in odin's hall...

Valhalla!

[Men grumbling]

- In valhalla, you find food
like you've only dreamed of.

Pork that literally melts
in your mouth.

Lamb that falls off
the bone so tender,

A toothless baby
could chew it.

All this is yours
to share with your...

Where did he go?

- Ha ha ha!

I think he understands.

- [Gulping and chewing]

- Let's hope
he is as savage a fighter

As he is an eater.

- Fighting is wrong.

[Chewing]

Because some people
can get scraped knees.

[Laughter]

- I am odin.

Allow me to introduce
a few members

Of the norse pantheon

Who will help you
settle in here.

- Uh, just... Just a second.

Ok.

- My son thor,
god of thunder.

Loki the prankster.

Loki, cut it out.

You remember what happened
last time.

- [Humming]

- Hey! Oh, that's how
you want to play?

Bring it, chump.

- [Speaking foreign language]

- Tease.

- Mom, grim and I
will take it from here.

- Ok, honey.

- Have your little friend
put away my mop

When he's done playing.

- [Speaking foreign language]

- Norse warriors were
an unruly lot, to say the least.

Yuck.

Norse warriors
can be quite fierce.

It would be unwise
to stand between a norseman

And something he wants.

- Aah!

- Evidently, it's also unwise

To stand next
to something he wants.

- [Speaking foreign language]

- He's a brute.

- He's just out of his element.

- You think?

[Chewing and gulping]

- Uh, we've got to do something
to keep him occupied.

What do norseman do for fun?

- Fistfight, pillage villages.

That sort of thing.

- In local news,
a man's prized topiary

Was savagely attacked.

- Oh, there you are, billy.

Your mom's almost
got dinner ready.

Come on in.

Now there's a boy
with an appetite.

- Oh!

I couldn't eat another bite.

Well, maybe one more bite.

Ugh! Ugh!
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Hee hee hee!

- Battle time.

- What's going on?

- This is what happens
in valhalla.

You feast till
you're ready to burst,

Then you go to the courtyard
and fight to the death!

- What a pain in the neck.

- Aah!

What is your need,

My new and gluttonous
little brother?

- You don't always
have to settle your problems

By fighting.

They can be solved
by talking things out,

Or by buying expensive gifts.

[Arrows fall]

- Uh, are you ok?

You don't look so hot.

You're not respecting
my personal space!

Ugh!

- See, billy,
there's no problem here.

We fight for fun
in valhalla,

And if we are slain,

We end up back here
in the feast hall.

- Cool! Let's eat!

- Hey! My brain was in there!

- Put me in the freezer.

- Young man,

You can be rude,
break furniture,

Run up phone bills,
shave the cat,

And even harass your mother,

But when you touch the pomp,
it's go time!

- See, harold? I told you
it was not a good idea

For billy to have doughnuts


- [Speaking foreign language]

- Well, that covers elysium,
shang ti, and lower heck,

And still no billy
to be found.

- Did you learn nothing
in nirvana, mandy?

Billy is everywhere.

He's in the birds,
in the trees, in your socks.

- How about you put a sock
in your cake hole

While I figure out
where we are?

- Could you tell us
where we are?

- You're in asgard.

- Any sign of a kid
with a big nose
and a baseball cap?

- Bit soft in the noggin?

- Bingo.

- No. I believe
his name is billy.

- Let's go collect
our miscreant.

- The fountains
are reserved for residents.

- [Shouting]

- Aah!

- Grim! Mandy!

This is just like
a video game, only it hurts.

Hee hee hee!

I think that was a home run.

- Billy, you don't belong here.

- It's not your time yet, billy.

- Sure feels like my time.

- He does have quite the arm.

- Yep.

- Come on. Let's find out
who's in charge around here.

Hello?
Could we get some help?

- No!

- You're gonna let that shrimp
run roughshod over you?

- The kid is too darn good.

- Daddy, he took my hammer,
and I just had it cleaned.

- There, there, my boy.

- Looks like
you're our only hope.

- You're right.

- It's time I put
me bony foot down.

Excuse me. Pardon.

Now see here, young man.

You're going to put down
that hammer and...

- Hee hee hee ha ha!

- How's, uh, billy?

- They don't seem to notice
the difference.

[Video game playing]

- Aah!

[Speaking foreign language]

- In the grand scheme
of things,

It's pretty much the same.

- Hey, billy,
want to go for ice cream?

- Ooh!

- So did billy conquer
all of asgard,

And having no further concern,

He ate many chickens
and drank much soda.

Honor and fear
were heaped upon his name.

In time, he became a king
by his own hand,

But that is another story.